My liar's chair

So apparently I'm a liar. I apologize to whoever is out there. I've lied about being in pain all the time. I've lied about having COPD and cancer and bone spurs/arthritis in my spine. I've lied about having depression and anxiety and panic attacks and every other illness or condition that I've talked about. I'm just a big fatass liar.

That's how I fucking feel. I'm so tired of being treated like I'm just making shit up. Why you ask? I complain for years about pain and being fatigued, and never ever having any energy. I tell my doctor, just this past Friday, that I can do 30 minutes of light to medium housework and then my lower back is hurting so bad that I have to take pain pills and I'm out for hours. Then, because my neuropathy and pinched nerves from bone spurs make my legs and feet hurt so bad, and my legs and feet start to swell, that I have to keep my legs propped up just to be able to stand it. But apparently I'm making that shit up too. Because according to her I am completely able to hold down a 40 hour a week job with no restrictions or concerns whatsoever. Answer me... who the fuck is going to hire me when I tell them that I can't stay on my feet for longer than 30 or 40 minutes before having to rest with my legs propped up? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that I have to take numerous bathroom breaks a day, sometimes every 15 minutes or half hour, because my IBS-D has kicked in and I'm constantly having to shit? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that I have brittle diabetes and that from time to time my sugar will bottom out or skyrocket and I have to check my blood and either eat or take insulin sometimes half a dozen times a day? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that I can't  be around anyone who wears perfume or smokes, or chemicals, or extreme temperatures, because my lungs might start freaking out from the COPD and I then have trouble getting air and have to take multiple breathing treatments from my nebulizer? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that sometimes I get panic attacks or just start crying for no reason at all? But yeah..... sure. No problem. There are employers out there just itching to snap me up.

All of my life I've been treated by doctors who just wanted to blame me for everything because I'm fat. I had no control over being fat. I was fat from the time I was in preschool. I'm pretty sure that I was either over, or damn near pushing, 100 lbs at 8 years old. I was the ONLY fat one in the family, and until my parents hit their 50's and got that normal 'middle age spread' that has held true. (Even now they're not really that big.... my Dad weighs around 200 and my Mom weighs around 180, and I don't ever remember my brother being big.) We have pictures of me where I was this cute, skinny kid and then pictures of me when I was just a bloated pig. No in-between. No transitioning photos. It was just like one minute it's there, when the minute before it was not. I was like 5.... I don't remember it happening. Now that I'm an adult, I've tried to lose weight. I've dieted; I've worked out; I've done my best to eat healthy. I have no metabolism! I have no energy!

I was a military brat, so we went to the military doctors. They didn't want to mess with me and so the answer to everything was 'it's because she is fat'. I swear to you I went one time for a crushed finger that got caught in the door and the doctor blamed it partially on my weight. When I got older and became an adult I had to get my own doctors and I went through three or four who didn't want to mess with me. Again, everything was because I was fat. Lose weight they said. I tried. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing happened. For 20 years I was bleeding like someone had ripped my innards apart and passing blood clots the size of my fists. I was bleeding almost every day. And I mean EVERY day.... practically 325+ days a year. Those giant pads they give pregnant women? Yeah, I used those for 20 years and bled so heavy that I would sometimes go through four of those in an hour. Some days I couldn't even leave the house because I would be bleeding so much that no pad could keep me from bleeding through my clothes. The doctors response? Oh... some women just do that. They didn't want to test me for anything. They didn't want to do any exams. They didn't want to TOUCH me and on some occasions acted like they hated to even look at me. They treated me like I was a walking case of blubber with leprosy and sent me on my way. And eventually, oh guess what? You've got endometrial cancer. Whoopsie! We shoulda caught that huh?

So yeah I have a hard time trusting doctors. Lose weight, they keep telling me to this day. I'm tired of hearing it. They act as if I haven't tried; like I enjoy being in this body and not being able to do things that normal people can do. It's truly a JOY to have to be nervous about breaking furniture or going out places and wondering if I can use their bathrooms or if I will be able to fit in their seats. It's DELIGHTFUL to be stared at, pointed at, laughed at, made fun of, yelled at, be sneered at, to be discriminated against, and to not even be considered as a human being every time you step out of the house. I YEARN to feel like a failure and a disappointment, like an outcast, like a loser, like my life has meant nothing. Every day of my life I DREAMED about not being able to have children, to never be married, to not have someone in my life to share experiences with and to always feel alone. I've always been ECSTATIC that I can't do the things I'd love to do like travel, and go to theme parks and ride the rides, or simply sleep in a bed. It's been a goddamned PLEASURE I tell you!! I'm living it up EVERY DAMN DAY!

I told my therapist last week that I'm just tired. I truly am. I've been saying it for years now and it's more true now than it's ever been. I told her that I've always been scared about being put on heavy anxiety or anti-depressants because I know people who have been on them and they become zombies. I've always said that my mind was the only good thing that I had and for that reason I didn't want any of those types of drugs in my body. Well, I've lied in that too it seems. Because I would welcome it right now. I would much rather be a zombie whose mind is completely clouded and dumbed down. I wish she had the ability to load me up like a freight train with heavy mind-fucking drugs. Hell, if I could afford it I would find them myself. Dreams and hopes apparently just aren't meant to be in my wheelhouse, and once again life has shown me that expecting something different just ends up disappointing me more. Einstein said that doing the same things and expecting different results was the definition of insanity. I keep hoping and trying to stay positive that things will change but the results are never different. It always comes back to me that apparently I'm a liar. If the doctor says that I am perfectly fine and that all of these conditions obviously don't make any impact on my body or my life then that must be true. After all; she's the one with the medical license. So it must be the way it is. And that means I'm faking it. I'm a liar; a useless habitual liar. I guess everything is really fine after all. I'm tired of trying to get anyone to understand otherwise.

In the words of one of the best authors of all time, “How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.”  

You win, shitty life. You win.

Hot pokers and Humpty on the wall...

Yes my friends, insomnia has struck again. My mind feels like it's in a slightly liquidated state, as I have taken my nightly meds and they have fully kicked in at this point. One would think that this would make me go to sleep, but alas.... tonight my body just won't turn off and it SUCKS. My main issue is my legs and feet. It is hard to describe the feeling but I can try my best. Once, when I was about ten years old, I was outside in the backyard and unknowingly stepped in a huge bed of fire-ants. The feeling of them biting me was like having hot pokers stuck to my legs and feet repeatedly. My Mom picked me up and immediately stuck me in the small plastic pool that we had in the yard, and the ants flaked off into the water. Now, after about ten minutes or so the initial burning died down and what was left was like a numbed down version of those hot pokers stabbing me. It was like the nerves in my lower limbs had been so overloaded that they were only registering half of the pain. That is the exact feeling that I am having in my legs and feet over the past week or so at night. So yeah, not fun at all.

In other news, I had another appointment with my therapist today. Again I say, I really like her a lot. She doesn't sugar coat things and talks to you like you're just out having a lunch somewhere as friends... not condescending at all. I respect that. Anyway, we talked about putting me on some low-dose anti-depressants and I think that I'm finally at the point where I can admit that I think I need them. I'm having too hard of a time lately and it's frustrating. I've been having panic attacks again, although thankfully not as bad as before. It's hard for me to really open up to anyone because although I can pour out emotions and mental states in writing, it is really difficult for some reason to express those in words. I think maybe it's because I know that if I let a small crack in the facade that I will completely crumble and possibly not be able to put the pieces back together again. Let's just call it Humpty Dumpty syndrome, shall we?

Sometimes I really envy those that are insane or just have sociopathic tendencies, (like my father). I envy the freedom that they have as a result of not having a conscience and just not giving a shit at all. How nice it must be to simply act or feel or think without concern or worrying about the outcome of things. Now don't get me wrong.... I know that they also have issues that come as a result of how their minds work; but I still am jealous of the delicious absence of constant morality that they have. It's like that line is so thick in my mind, and I am always standing on the edge of the cliff looking down and wanting so bad to just let go and jump.... but always there's this harness that holds me back. It is a good thing to have a conscience... I totally understand this; but when you're living with these feelings of depression, hopelessness, failure, loneliness, pain, and just pure torture - well it's like someone standing at your back with a straight razor just slowly slicing and dicing pieces of your soul away while you stare into an abyss that offers both comfort and the threat of losing yourself completely. In my next life I really hope that I am living a completely different existence as the one I've experienced this go 'round.

What else... what else is going on... Hmmm. Not much really. Trying to stay cool. My car said the temperature outside today was 105! What the hell man?! I mean I lived in Arizona and it once got to 120, but it was dry heat so it wasn't nearly as bad as the weather here in SC with the damn humidity. If I was to win the lottery (which is pretty slim chances because I haven't played in forever hah), I would move somewhere else where the weather is cooler and there are actually four seasons instead of just the two we have here which are: winter and hellfire. I joke and tell my Mom that I have reverse seasonal depression. Most people get depressed in the winter but my hard time is the summer. I love the other times of the year but ugh.... summer is so hard on me. I go outside for a few minutes and the heat just zaps all of the energy out of my body. I'm praying for an early fall. LOL!

That's about it for now I guess. Mainly just wanted to log in and record how I'm feeling right now my friend, the head shrink, who is supposedly going to read my blog. Peace out!

Just Around the Corner!!!!!

Yep, school is just around the corner. I'm "officially" a senior this year, although technically I have these last two semesters plus two classes left to take. The last two are going to be taken at the local technical college hopefully though, so it will be cheaper as my financial aid will be over and done with by then. I'm sort of dreading this semester because one of my classes is in Spartanburg and that means I will have to drive back and forth 3 times a week, on I-85 during rush hour in the mornings. I HATE HATE HATE that road! And morning rush hours are going to be hell, because anyone who knows me understands that I don't fully wake up until after the noon hour. So I'm super stressing it but there's nothing that can be done about it. I just pray that my car can take it.

Other than that, it's still hot as hell here. My brother moved into a place with central air though, so I'm getting the window units that were in his old place because they belong to my Mom and she said I could use them. Thank goodness! So hopefully next week I will have a bigger window unit in the living room (the new landlords put a new one in but it's a size smaller than the one that died and doesn't cool the room b/c it's not the right size). I'm moving the smaller one into the kitchen and then I'll have a small one for the bedroom as well. Yay!!!!

This week I'm working really hard to keep my sugar levels down and see if it makes me feel any different. So far I've been doing fairly well actually. (Except for today; I made cookies and had a cup of milk with some.... so we'll see how much that impacts my glycemic levels.... but DAMN I haven't had anything chocolate in a while and wanted a sweet snack; plus the cookies were already out of date and were going to have to be thrown away if I didn't cook them soon.) I actually cooked some roasted veggies today that were to DIE FOR and for lunch I eat almost the whole sheet pan full hahaha! It was about two cups or so; not too bad. There was zucchini, squash, tomatoes, carrots, and a little broccoli. Mixed up some olive oil, balsamic vinegar, Mediterranean spice mix, pepper, salt, and then topped them off with some fresh dried basil from my plant. Then roasted until they were nicely carmelized........ YUMMO!

Mood wise, this last week has been MUCH better than the few prior. I was sick again when I was back in Sumter to help Mom after my Dad's surgery. I'm beginning to really believe that the house and my body just are like two magnets trying to repel each other. Seriously! Oh, so yeah my Dad had surgery on July 6th to remove a mass from his arm. It went well but of course he's being a huge baby about everything. This weekend he has electrodes all glued onto his head and has to carry around a little satchel with a monitor in it so that the doctors can record and look at his brain waves. They cancelled out mini-strokes b/c his MRI showed no lesions that would have been a result of this. So now I think they're trying to figure out if he has onset Alzheimer or dementia or if it's something else in his brain out of whack. I hope they figure something out definitively soon because we all need to figure out what to do. I told him this past trip that if it comes back that whatever is going on is going to get worse, that he has to make some hard decisions because I'm not moving back to Sumter and I will not allow Mom to deal with him all alone. She cannot mentally take it. So either he has to start helping her slowly go through and get rid of things in the house or he had best plan on being put into the VA hospital or a VA home. (They're both packrats, especially him, so it's going to take a long time to get through all the mess they have built up.) He didn't like that of course but the truth is the truth.

In other news, I've been selling as much shit as I can on ebay to help pay the bills until I get my school refund money next month. My Lord of the Rings collection has been doing pretty well with me selling it off piece by piece. I've already went through most of the DVD's and BluRays that I own though, so I'm quickly running out of things to sell. Just trying to hang on.... please please please don't let them up the rent when my lease is up at the end of September. I cannot get that off of my mind and it is terrifying me. Ugh.

I haven't been to my therapist in a few weeks. She had vacation, then I was gone to help with Dad and so the next appt. they had for me was the 19th. I have always had severe trepidation about being put on any kind of anxiety/depression drugs because of a couple reasons.... 1) I know or have known so many people on these types of drugs that turn into complete braindead zombies, and 2) There are so many horror stories about people who have major problems when they finally attempt to come off of the drugs. As I told her when she's asked about them, my brain is truly the only good thing about me and I don't want to fuck it up. But I am having so many issues with stress, anxiety and depression that I think I'm going to talk to her about them next week. In the past few weeks I've had some panic attacks, which I haven't had serious ones since just after surgery... but for some reason they returned. I guess it's just stress bringing them on. It's been affecting my sleeping too. So maybe it's time to at least start a conversation about them. For some reason though I feel like I've failed myself because I can't handle things by myself.... although I know that is a stigma in my mind and that it's ok to ask for help if you need it. So we'll see how that goes next week.

That's about it for now so I'm outta here!! Stay cool in these hellish temperatures!!

Holy shitballs... Can I catch a break please!!!???

Seriously.  It feels like every week there's something new that fucks up. I'm really getting tired of this cycle repeating itself. My stress levels look like Mt. McKinley on acid.

My Mom and I were talking last week and she mentioned that she wished we could get a good fishing day or two in before my Dad has his surgery on July 6th. So I made a special point to drive in Friday night and visit with them over the weekend. So Friday morning I wake up and it's sooooo hot in the house. I noticed my A/C unit wasn't on.... but whenever we get a power surge it often turns off so I just figured that happened while I was sleeping. So I turn it back on and go to the bathroom. I come back and it's off again. Damnit. I'm thinking to myself, maybe I need a better surge protector. I know that the unit is supposed to be plugged directly into the wall, but I live in an old mill house and there are only 2 power outlets in the living room, and neither of them are anywhere near the only window (where the unit is). So I go to Home  Depot and buy a heavy duty power surge protector ($40 damn dollars eeek!). I plug it in and it seems to work great. After half an hour of watching it I go ahead and pack my car up and head out. In the meantime I call a friend who has a key to my place and ask him to check on it over the weekend, which he does and messages me Saturday that everything was good.

Fast forward to this past evening. I get home at about 9pm (Monday) and walk into the house. The a/c unit is running but it's not putting out any cold air. What it's spitting out is barely cool air and the house is over 87 degrees. DAMNIT! So once again I clean the filter, which I had already done, and reset the unit. I try everything that I can think of, and that Google can tell me to try, to get it working. The fan works but the compressor doesn't seem to be kicking on. Lovely.

And now my maintenance request is in at the new property manager (which are so new I haven't even paid rent to them yet), and their website says that it could be up to 14 business days before they can get out and then they may or may not decide to fix/replace the a/c. Holy Jebus. In the mean time, there's a fat-ass, menopausal woman who does NOT do well in the heat at all. I don't mean that I don't do well because I don't like it.... I mean my body reacts in a VERY non-pleasant way. I start to overheat very quickly because I don't sweat as much or as often as most people do. (I have no clue why but it seems to be genetic.) And it's been over 95 degrees quite a few days lately. Oh yeah, and I can't open any windows because they've all been screwed/painted shut for years before I got here. YAY!!!!!!  These next couple of weeks are not going to go well my friends; not at all.

You know I have tried and tried to stay positive. I know that the Universe is going to give me what I am focused on the most. But it seems like no amount of my trying or focusing on positive things can overpower the bitch that is my subconscious mind, (which apparently is not only an annoying bitch but also a masochist). I guess I should have assumed this all along; after all I was a cutter for many years. Bah. Wish me luck that I can handle this until some resolution is reached.

3am ramblings

Lion King was awesome! I kept wondering how they were going to take animated animals and tell a story as humans. They did it beautifully and I think that Mom really enjoyed the show. They even came down the aisles and made the audience feel like they were a part of the production. We had GREAT seats, (I had bought seats on the platform for those with a handicap/mobility issue) and could see everything pretty well. We took a cab there and back so we wouldn't have to fight for parking. That was an experience in itself. I've not been in a cab too terribly often in my life, but it seems that the usual thing now is just for average people to drive their own cars and call it a business. Welcome to the age of uber drivers.

The other big news is that I now have a stackable washer and dryer! YAY! Mom happened to find one at a yard sale for cheap and took a risk that it would work. After having one of her friends drive it up here (he just moved to my town), I paid Bobby and his son to move it into the house and hook it up. After cleaning it up a little bit it looks brand new and works like a charm! My god it is so great to be able to wash a load of laundry at 2am without having to wait for a machine, listen to screaming little kids running around, or have to deal with puddles of water on the floor. It's the small things in life.....  I really hadn't planned on getting one until after I found out if they were going to up the rent when my lease is up in September, but it really was a steal so there ya go. I truly am stressed and worried about them changing the rent and me not being able to afford it. I can barely afford it now and have been selling everything I can to pay the bills. The property management company has been changed AGAIN so I just had to go through the entire process of getting approved to access my account online. With all of this shuffling around of landlords it makes me nervous. Fingers crossed that they just keep things the same and let me sign another 12 months lease. Please!!!

While Ma was here we also went to see Wonder Woman. It was such a good movie! When we were waiting in the theater for the movie to start, Mom was telling me how she remembered when I was a little girl and I used to love the tv show. She asked me if I remembered running around the house flicking my arms all around and playing like I had Wonder Woman's bracers on my wrists/arms. I said yep, I totally remember that. Little Wonder Woman; that was me! It's nice for little boys and girls today to have a strong, capable female super hero that gets things done by herself and doesn't depend on a man for anything to look up to. It really was so encouraging and inspiring to see.

Once again my sleeping is entirely fucked up. I should just be used to this fact by now. The past few days I've been in a funk and not feeling well. Some of it is mindset and some of it is just not feeling good. I used to have migraines in high school... we're talking serious enough to have CT scans, a neurologist, and medication that put me on my ass almost instantly. As I got older they slowly faded away, but I've had a wicked headache for the past two days. I don't know if it's blood pressure, stress, sugar fluctuating up and down like mad, or something else entirely. BUT IT SUCKS!! I'm so ready for this headache to be gone. Ugh.

I think this post has been long enough and I really don't have any witty things to express at the moment, so this was primarily just an update for my therapist to be aware of how I'm feeling at the moment. So there ya go. Until next time..... stay out of the heat!

It's so hot even my salt lamps are sweating...

I shit you not. Yes, I realize that it's normal for salt lamps to sweat and leave salt on the table around them. But DAMN it's been hot lately! I hate summer, truly. For those of you who have never had the privilege of living in the deep south, (and by that I mean DEEP SOUTH, namely... SC, NC, GA, TN, and AL) you will never understand the true hell of 100% humidity on a sweltering hot day. I've lived in Arizona, a mere 30ish miles from the Mexican border in the middle of a desert, where it was 120 degrees in the shade... and it still was more pleasant than a hot summer day in SC. Yuck. Bring on the fall and winter please!

It was a pretty bad day today. My mood was not the problem but my body was. Every week and a half or so it gets to the point where I have a day where my body just doesn't seem to want to function. I am so exhausted and icky feeling that I just can't stay awake. So most of the day I spent trying to stay in the dark, coolness and get some energy back. When I finally did wake up I watched the Jeff Sessions hearing which I had DVR'd and was totally disgusted. I really dislike that man. He reminds me of what would be produced if a Keebler elf and this aggravating little ass from the Hitler youth army had a love child.

 

Seriously. Like WTF man? Anyway, this entire political year has been ass-backwards and it's easy to get worked up over the idiots that back this hateful rhetoric. I can only look forward to the next elections when we can reverse this idiocracy that exists now.

I really wanted to get a few things accomplished this week, but for the most part I didn't get as much done as I should have. I did get my cutting board put together and sanded down, and now it's ready to stain. I sold a few more things on ebay and offerup, which will help pay at least one bill. I still have some more things to put up but I still have to take pictures.

Tomorrow I have a dr. appointment and I have to attempt to figure out where I'm moving some things in the kitchen to. I have to clean out the area in the kitchen in order to get to where the connections for the washer/dryer are. When your apartment is so small though it's an act of congress to figure out where to move anything to, even just temporarily.

I'm looking forward to Friday. Mom is coming back up for the weekend because we have tickets to go see the Lion King live! We've had tickets since before the new year, as they were a Christmas present. I don't know what we're going to do about parking yet but we shall see. I hope that we can just pay to park somewhere close and not have to do a lot of walking, as hiring an uber or a cab will cost almost 30 bucks! Which, by the way, I think is totally ludicrous. I hope Mom really enjoys the show. She has never seen a Broadway show (neither have I actually), but I have always loved the theater plays that I've seen and I also love musicals for the most part. I just want her to have fun and enjoy it.

So I guess that's about all for now. I hope that tomorrow I am feeling a bit better and that my body has some energy. It really does suck to feel like your body is just a lifeless husk. Bother.

Bruce Lee Kicked my Ass

Once again it's been quite a while since I've been here. No excuses; it's just the way it is. Last year I was working with a therapist that I called "Rhea" who was appointed to me from the cancer center. She met with me a few times and told me that she wanted me to journal again and so I did. Eventually she just never returned my call or set up a new appointment and so that ended that. Honestly ya'll, I didn't do anything really crazy at all! She had asked me about religious beliefs and I honestly told her a little bit about my beliefs and well....... I guess that severed that link. How someone can call themselves a therapist and then cut off anyone who isn't Christian like them is beyond me, but what can you do?

So from that point on, well almost a year I guess, I've been dealing with things myself. Some things have been better and some have been much worse. Last month I decided to ask my doctor at the clinic to refer me to one of the therapists there and she did. Luckily my new therapist is pretty damn cool and she seems to not be threatened or frightened of my outlooks on life. Hah! She wanted me to journal again too so here I am. We'll name her "Lois" in honor of Achelois, (a moon Goddess whose name meant 'she who washes away pain').

What's been happening in my world, you might ask. I'm still attempting to finish school and am officially a senior according to the college. I've tried to find a job and put in a good many applications but due to the physical restrictions there just hasn't been anything that I'm qualified for. And those that I could physically do require a degree that I don't have yet. So yeah... catch 22! I've been living off of my school loans and I've been selling a lot of my shit to pay bills. I guess I'm lucky that I saved up all kinds of stuff for years in preparation of moving and having my own place. It's just stuff.... some of it is hard to let go because of the dreams I had tied up with them, but for the most part I let it go because I know those dreams are gone now and things have changed so much. When it's time to create new dreams then I'll just start anew. I'm not the same person that I was so there's no point in holding onto those old things. Needless to say, things have been pretty tight some weeks.

I'm still dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. Lois says that I have depression. Well duh. I've been depressed all of my life, (well at least since about the age of 10). At this point, after 30 years of feeling damaged inside, I'm pretty much a pro at hiding it behind a happy mask. She told me that I seem to be a pretty positive person and I'm usually happy. That makes me feel a little proud and a little disturbed. Proud, because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Disturbed because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Yep that's me. All kinds of double edge sword ninja tricks. Bruce Lee totally kicked my ass.

What's changed other than me? I've had to let some relationships go or at least cool off drastically. I really had no choice in this. It was either take that step or continue letting them hurt me because either they A) didn't care about me in the first place, or B) they were too selfish and decided that hurting me was a way to get me to do what they wanted or to make themselves feel superior. So for the most part I stay at home alone and hang out. From time to time I'll venture out and hang with my friends Bobby, Dawn, and Sam. We have a good time together and none of us are trying to use the other for some reason or another. We all help each other out when we need it and I'm so grateful for their friendships. It's nice to have people that understand that real friendships are a give and take and not just a take take take take with no give. But other than that it's just me. It's pretty lonely and sometimes I have trouble with that so I try to make the most of it.

I turned 40 last month. I never thought I'd live to 40. Not in a million years did I believe that. Honestly, many days I wish I hadn't lived to 40. I promised my Mom a long time ago that as long as she was alive I wouldn't hurt myself, and because I love her so much I have done my best to keep that promise. She deserves so much and that is the only real thing that I can give her. However, that doesn't keep me from hoping some days that I would just not wake up. If I die naturally it would still hurt her I know but there's nothing I can really do about that and at least she would know I kept my word. Not trying to sound morbid, mind you. It's just the honest truth of how I feel. I don't mind taking a shower in a thunderstorm now because if lightning hits me it's not really that big of a deal. How's that for fucked up?! HAH!

One day at a time. That's how I tend to get by at the moment. I try to just get through this day. Some days it's much, much harder than others.

I suppose one of the biggest issues for me right now is dealing with the loss of possibilities. I had always wanted to have kids I think, even though I didn't realize quite what I was feeling until I was much older. There was some part of me that knew that it was probably better that I didn't have kids because our family line really needed to end with me and my brother, (he's totally in agreement with that as well). Our family is far too fucked up to pass the same cycles down to another generation. It is better to end with us. Knowing that doesn't change those feelings, however, and as a woman I think it's embedded in our DNA to have that desire to reproduce.

I've always loved kids and have always wanted to have a child, as well as to make my Mom a Grandma. Even though I knew that the odds were 99% against having a kid, up until the cancer there was always that slight possibility that it could happen. (Now other than the health issues, there were a VAST amount of mental and emotional roadblocks to that ever happening... but the heart wants what the heart wants and logic need not apply.) After the cancer surgery though, all of that was gone. I don't feel as though my 'womanhood' is gone as some I've talked to feel; I just feel that the chances and possibilities were ripped away from me. As one lady told me, it's like I'm grieving the death of the child that I never was able to have. It feels like a death and a loss. It feels like grieving the life that never was to be. I don't know how else to explain it, and I know it doesn't make sense to anyone whose never felt the same. How can someone mourn what never was? But there it is folks; there's this huge, gaping black hole in the soul. And what is a black hole? To use one definition they are: "A region of space having a gravitational field so intense that no matter, light, or radiation can escape." To use another definition they are: "A place where people or things, especially money, disappear without trace." And there you have it. The black hole in my life has caused the possibilities to disappear without a trace with no trace of light escaping.

It is hard to explain these feelings to anyone else, so I really don't talk about them. I've tried to explain them to those who are close to me but they choose to either ignore or dismiss them. For example, I've had one friend that I've known since I was about 18 years old. We've never lived near each other, (we met in a chatroom), but I've visited her a couple of times in person and we stay in touch over the phone almost every day. I love her to death. She has never wanted children and in fact she has always been adamant about not wanting kids. Two years ago she got pregnant and was a little upset about it, however she is Catholic and doesn't believe in abortion so she decided to have the baby. Now don't get me wrong; I'm extremely happy for her that she had her little girl and doesn't regret it now - but I still have to listen to her almost every day complain about her kid. She loves her; but she also complains a LOT about it. I don't mind letting her vent, but quite often she makes remarks like, "Oh you're so lucky that you don't have to worry about kids" or, "Be happy that you'll never have to deal with a kid", etc. There are numerous other comments like that, but you get the general idea. Hearing those things cuts me to the bone, and what's worse is that she knows how it makes me feel. I've told her that they really hurt me because I'll never have that chance, but she still makes those comments often. I just don't say anything anymore; it's easier that way because people don't get it. They don't try to get it. They don't understand how sometimes seeing a pretty baby in the store or on TV can rip that wound open anew. Hell, I was almost in tears the other day sitting outside the pharmacy waiting for medication because I was sitting directly across from the baby aisle with all those kids on the diaper boxes staring out. I know... crazy right?!

So, yeah... you feel like a failure as a woman. And for me, it makes me angry and resentful towards myself for making my life such a mess that I never was able to realize the opportunity of having a family. It makes me hate myself even more because once again, my fucked up mental and emotional situations controlled my life and stole those things from it.  Add all of that anger, resentment, hatred, grief, sense of loss, pain, failure, and anxiety together and some days it is quite crippling. Some days it's hard to even make it to the bathroom and get a shower, or make myself eat. (Imagine that, a fat girl who finds it hard to eat!)

And on that note I think I'm going to end that post here. If I dwell on it too much it just depresses me even more and I don't really want to wallow in it tonight. :) Here's to hoping for a decent tomorrow.

Panic on the dance floor

Just kidding. There's no dance floor. hah.
You know I am trying to deal with a small panic attack right now. Allergies started messing with me a couple weeks ago and I've been sick as crap since then. I'm fighting to keep it from going into my lungs and settling more than it already has. Tonight I haven't been able to sleep any b/c of not being able to breathe well and my body going into little panic attacks every time I try to doze off because of it. Such a pain in the arse.

Also dealing with some anxiety due to money issues. You know, I'm not perfect. I know that I spend way too much money on things like grabbing food when I'm out or picking up a new book from time to time. I may go to a movie once in a while or spend extra on gas because I decided to ride around just to get out of the house. These are things that I really need to stop but at the same time I feel like you have to live a little bit or else why be alive at all? I guess it's gonna have to stop though. I'm starting to stress again. I got denied for SSID. They stated that my medical problems were severe enough for me not to be able to work but that it isn't severe enough to not work in 12 months. I don't quite understand their logic but I know that denial is the common result one gets. Seeing as how my medical problems have no cure and I've already had them for over a year I don't know how they figure they'll improve in 12 months but OK........ what do they expect me to do right now even if I was able to return to work in 12 months time? Thank goodness I have a tiny emergency stash for my rent and I'll try to sell some more stuff to help with rent. I've already sold almost all of my movies, games, books and stuff. Hopefully that will push me through to my lease end. From there I'm not sure. I'll go back to trying to get a job that will work around the medical issues although from past experience I never even got to the interview portion where I had to explain them. For the few interviews that I did get called in for as soon as they saw me there was some comment made or excuse given as to why I wouldn't be a good fit for the job. If all else fails I'll pack what I really want to keep into a storage building and live out of my car for a bit. Many people have done it, I guess I can too.

Ok, my pity party is done. Just needed to get it out so I can move on. My head hurts from stress and I'm just reaching the point again where I don't really care; what will be, will be. Maybe this is what is supposed to be and everything happens for a reason right! Yep. :)
I guess I'll try to focus on positive things and hope that things will work out for the best.

Allergies be Damned!

Yes, this image represents me well at the moment. Allergies are totally kicking my ass. I think it's quite humorous that only two weeks ago, I had to have a spirometry test done on my lungs. When I was actually in better shape than normal and could breathe. Immediately after it was done, BOOM!!! My lungs start showing out. Then the allergies kicked in and ugh. Yep, this is why fall is my favorite season.

Did I mention I got yet another bill for $39,000 today? I've done everything that they've asked me to do at the hospital and yet apparently it's still not enough. I was pretty much told before surgery that because I had hospital sponsorship that it should be covered..... now, not so much. Who knows what they want now. They might just have to be happy getting 5 bucks a month for the rest of my life. I'm tired of stressing over how to pay for all the medical bills. And this is why I never did get to go to the doctor.

So I went home to visit the parental units last weekend. It was very surreal and very unexpected. I went in Friday, and as always I told my Mom that I had no clue how long I'd be staying (it hinges on how my Dad is acting). The last time I'd went home I was officially in the house for less than two minutes and he was bitching me out over things that I had nothing to do with, nor had any control over. Needless to say that whenever I head home the three hour ride is always spent preparing myself as best I can mentally for what's to come. My entire family has daddy issues due to living with him and his wickedness and even at 38 years old I haven't figured out just how to successfully tune him out. Usually the entire time I'm there is spent either out going somewhere with my Mom or hidden in her bedroom, only really leaving it to go to the bathroom or getting something to drink from the kitchen. My entire life we all spent our time in an effort to avoid being in the same room with him. It's really quite sad and dysfunctional.

With that said, I went the country route in and so it took me about five hours instead of three. I just wanted to meander really. When I got there I walked in and he was sitting at the table. He turned around, hugged me and said hello. I was in a stupor. It sounds pretty normal right?? Nothing for anyone to go into shock over. Well believe me; this was a shock moment for me. This was NOT normal. I mean to lay it out there......... My health is pretty shitty. So when I got diagnosed with cancer and went home to tell my parents, and was having surgery in two weeks to remove all my female parts the doctors had made it clear that with my bad health there's always a risk that I might not make it off the table. There's always a risk. My Dad had been an ass the entire time I was there, and when I was leaving my Mother says to him, "This might be the last time you see her if something happens. She could die on the table you know...." (She was a little pissed at him and that's why she said it that way.) He didn't even look at us; just kept watching tv, shrugged his shoulders and said "Whatever." And that folks, is pretty much the way he always acts. So when he hugs me and smiles when I walk in, it's a rare thing.

I ended up staying until Tuesday morning. The entire time he was in a good mood and we all got along and even talked some. He made us dinner Saturday. He never really bitched about anything the entire time I was there. He didn't talk nasty or hateful. I felt like the pod people had descended and taken his body over. It was very odd. He hugged me when I was leaving and said he loved me. WTF?? It was a super nice departure. I don't know why, or how things were different; I'm just glad they were. But I have to admit..... it's times like this that really deliver the biggest mind fuck. Like your brain just doesn't know how to quite comprehend what's happening. Strange.

So it's Friday night and here I sit watching Betty White on the James Corden show. She's been alive longer than sliced bread has been around. Seriously; they just said it. Wow. The things she's seen. The changes that she's witnessed. I hope my next life has as much adventure as she's had in this one. Some friends invited me to go to a club with them tonight to see a drag show but honestly I just wasn't in the mood. I am feeling pretty exhausted and sore just from coughing; though I do feel better today than I did yesterday. This weekend I just want to veg out and relax and give my body time to feel better. Maybe I'm just old lol. I don't have the desire to go out and do a bunch of partying or anything now. It takes to long to recuperate and I just feel so horrible afterwards.

I'm kinda tired now. I've taken Benadryl. I think I'll leave you with a rather cute meme I saw. I do so love my sharks........ Good night!

On dreams, time and the brain.

Life is funny. One day can seem to draw out for an eternity; each second seeming to last longer than the last. And then there are times where you blink and the day is over. As someone who thinks that time isn't just some linear, finite concept; it's pretty apparent that the passing of time is subject to emotional state. It reminds me of Star Trek, when Picard's lady friend slowed the passing of time.

So then the argument is, does she slow time itself or does she slow their perception of time passing? In either case, the outcome is the same. I've often wondered if our existence rang true in our waking hours or in our dreams. In dreams, we are not bound by the same limitations as we are in wakefulness. To me then, this tends to make me think that it is our limitless selves that are in a truer state of being. In dreams we are free of all fetters that normally keep us trapped to our mortal lots. In dreams I think we experience time in it's truer state as well. To me time is more like a coil that wraps back upon itself time and time again. At times we are able to glimpse other parts of the coil and it's at these times that we have moments of deja'vu or intuition or prophetic visions and dreams.

With all of the technology and abilities we have in our modern times.... yet still science is truly not able to explain what happens while we are sleeping. They can track how the neurons fire in the brain and what parts are most active. They can see how our various body parts slow down and heal themselves. But dreams....... the worlds in which we exist in while we slumber; it's all theories and guesswork for the most part. We don't know, for certain, if our very lives aren't layers of dreams atop one another. I have often woken up from a dream inside of a dream and felt like I was fighting to 'really wake up' and climb up through those layers. There's no way to know if we aren't living this life in a dream at this very moment. It's one reason why I loved the movie "The Matrix". I think it's why so many people connected with the same movie. It's the thought of, "What if this is all illusion?"

I really do feel most of the time that this is all illusion. That may make me sound crazy; it matters not. I have always felt that this physical body is only a 'meat suit' and that it is not what makes me. This body, this heart, this brain..... it is not who I am, no more than a lamp and lightbulb is electricity. Just like the lamp and the light bulb carry the current of electricity; the body, heart and brain are conduits for the soul. To me the soul and spirit are intertwined although I realize that to some they are the same and to others they are completely separate. The soul, in my opinion, is what makes you you.... it is the part that gives you personality and self-awareness. It is the 'charge' that animates your body. It is the battery terminal that allows the connection between the engine (spirit) and the machine (body). The spirit is the part of you that holds divinity; the part that connects you to the All, the Creator, God, Goddess... however you choose to see the divine. Looking at it this way, you can be alive and have a dead spirit.... I've seen this sometimes when looking at killers or those that have been through extreme torture. (I usually say that the person has 'dead eyes'.) I believe that the spirit can come alive again through experiences and lots of hard work. But if the soul is gone; well then nothing remains but the meat suit.

Why does any of that have to do with anything you might ask? In talking on dreams and why I say that it is, in my opinion, a truer form of being is that it is in dreams that the spirit and soul exist without being bound by the body. Without these limitations time really has no meaning because the soul and spirit are infinite and immortal; time then has no hold over anything. There is no 'passing of time' in dreams as you can instantly be here or there, then or now, or all of the above at once. And in dreams it's lovely because no matter how crazy things seem, they always make sense at that moment in the dream. How awesome it would be if our minds could work that way in the 'waking' hours. This is why genius borderlines insanity; because the passageways in the mind of a genius which usually inhibit the true strength of the soul/spirit to be fully present are different than in those of 'normal' folk.

Follow this train of thought....If the brain is the 'road' that the soul/spirit must travel down to fully inhabit and animate the body, perhaps it has 'gates' along the way (much like toll booths) that are put in place to keep from overwhelming the machine. This would be very similar to how resistors are used in electrical components to keep the voltage from overwhelming and blowing the circuits. People whose brains work differently may have defective or absent resistors. By having the 'full current' of the soul/spirit with no resistors rocketing through the brain, this could cause various affects....... It could create a genius, who perhaps has just enough resistance to keep them from suffering insanity, but yet allows purely innovative and creative thought and ideas. It could create an atmosphere in the mind where the soul/spirit flow is so strong that the 'flap' between the waking world and the dream world (also known as the world of spirit) is completely burnt out and these people have each reality bleeding into each other. (This would perfectly explain conditions like schizophrenia or delusions.) During successful meditation, intense prayer, repetition during spiritual practice, etc....  one can traverse these pathways or gates and allow unfettered bursts of soul/spirit to stream through while still being able to put the resistors back into place when it is necessary.

And that's my random thoughts for tonight. There is definitely more that ties in with these thoughts that I'll get to eventually.... but for now this post is long enough. Goodnight!

Week almost Gone

Whew this week has went by FAST!  I have to admit I'm a little tired and looking forward to some quiet alone time to veg out this weekend.

So what's been going on you ask? Well my Mother came into town and delivered me a new stove which someone in Sumter gifted my way (yay!). It's a fancy stainless steel one with a glass cooking top... so no more tilted burners and everything running to one side in a frying pan haha. It's really nice though and I'm super grateful for our friend sending it up here. :)

I've also been working some in the apartment, trying to get some things organized. I'm still nowhere near even halfway done but a good bit of progress was made. The living room is looking awesome and it's almost how I want it...... but the bedroom is still a mess of boxes and stuff to go through and organize. I did manage to get some shelves but it'll be a little while before I get the area where they're going cleaned up. That's the next thing to work on. Once that happens and I get them attached to the wall it will make a huge difference in being able to get those boxes taken care of. I'm so looking forward to that moment let me tell you! I just try to do a little bit at a time.

There's been other odds and ends going on the past couple weeks. I went to Diamond Hill Mines for the first time and spent the day. It's the first real time I've pushed myself since I've had surgery so I was very careful. I got tired pretty quick and spent a good bit of the time sitting on my bucket and digging that way haha. But I still had fun and we found some good stuff. I was excited! Now the real job is cleaning the rocks up.... that'll take a while. I can tell when I overdo stuff because when I get really tired I start having pains in my gut where the stitches are inside. That's my big sign to slow down or stop altogether. But I'm proud of myself for getting out and doing as much as I could do without hurting myself.

OH! Last night I went to see the Yamato Japanese drummers at the Peace Center. Wow they were superb. It tired me out just watching them! They drummed for an hour straight before the short intermission, and then for almost another hour. I don't know how they have that much stamina. It was a great show though and the energy was fast and high. I'd highly suggest anyone check them out that can and likes drumming. It was very akin to Native American in parts and you know I loved that!

You know, I usually don't talk politics because people get so touchy about it.... but since this is my blog I guess I can say what I want. It scares me that people are really taking Donald Trump seriously. How could a person want a man to run a country that has made racist, sexist and homophobic remark after remark? I went to a handfasting Sunday of two beautiful women who have been together for 28 years and were FINALLY able to legally tie the knot. Just standing there watching them and thinking that it's 2016 and we're just now getting to this point in history.... it's just sad that it's taken so long. And to think that people are thinking about voting for someone who wants to turn back the civil rights movement by a century just dumbfounds me. I have pagan friends and gay friends that are backing him!! I just want to ask them what the hell are they thinking? Do they think that if someone gets into office that has it out for one religion or is anti-gay marriage that he won't come for them next?? So they think that he's going to stop with Muslims?? And since when does a few radical Muslims make all Muslims evil and out for blood? The majority are peaceful, lovely people! I mean come on, if we went off of radical religious loonies then the Christian religion would be at the top of the list for whack-jobs. Almost every cult in American history has been Chrisitan... the Nazi regime were Chrisitan..... and so on it goes. People just won't learn from history it seems. Ugh. Ok that's my rant.

It's time for a movie and then I'm going to try to get some rest. Hopefully next time I'll have some actual interesting stuff to say. Until then, toodles!

Here comes the sun again!

I don't quite know why or when it occurred, but apparently I've turned into a vampire. No matter how hard I try I cannot seem to fall asleep before 8am. As I sit here I see the light from morning beginning to peek in around the slats of my blinds on the front door. I don't necessarily like this; I end up feeling like crap and when I finally do fall asleep I sleep the day away. By the time I get up there's not much time left in the day to do certain errands. I vant to suck your blood!!!!! I have a headache right now.... my sugar levels have been insane..... I got home around 4am and my sugar had been dropping for a little while and I was feeling bad, so I check it and yep..... it's way low for me. So I eat a bite to get it back up and I start feeling a little better...... then an hour later my head is hurting, I'm burning up and check it again and it's shot WAY up so I have to take a shot. Like WTF man.... make up your mind! High or low..... can't there be a happy in between??? It never reacts the same way to anything, even if it's the same stimuli that is ingested and the same amount of insulin taken....... I think my body rolls dice like a drunk teenager playing Dungeons and Dragons to get my glucose levels. Seriously!

No seriously though, it is causing me some anxiety. The past three days or so I've been trying to do some 'tapping' to help ease the anxiety somewhat when I try to go to sleep. (Usually when I start trying to fall asleep I start to drift off and then jolt awake in a semi-panic attack. I tend to think it's because of my not feeling like I'm able to breathe well.) The tapping has been somewhat beneficial, probably because it causes my mind to focus elsewhere. I've also tried to take both of my steroids for the lungs before I finally settle down. This may be helping a bit too. There are still some issues though.

As always I'm still struggling with my eating. I'm such an emotional eater and I crave sweets. I think it's mostly psychological. When I get lonely, depressed or bored it triggers the only comfort that's always been there for me in my life - food. And aside from that I truly just love food; it's not even about eating it all the time. I even just love watching it be prepared; even shit that I would never consider eating..... I still find it fascinating. It's like an art. I really am a fat girl at heart. hahaha. Of course this doesn't do well at all being that I have "the sugah" and all.

I can never seem to stay on the course long (I have ZERO willpower where food is concerned), but I always try to get back on the wagon again. I'll do it a million times over until something sticks. One day at a time....... that's all I can focus on. I had to throw away all of my food from the fridge and freezer when it went out.... so the past two weeks has been kind of tight. I get my food money on the 7th so then I'm going shopping and I'm going to try and get some healthier stuff. I know, I know....... you don't believe me. But I shall try my best and that's all I can do. Unless you're some rich starlet who can afford personal chefs, personal trainers and a home gym..... doing this shit is hard all on your own. I am my own worst enemy after all.

Probably because of  the poor sleeping, the bad diet, the troubles breathing and still dealing with some depression I have still been feeling really bad. I know I've talked to other people who have been through cancer and they say that once you've had it, even if it was all taken out.... you always fear that it will come back somewhere else. I never got that before but I totally understand it now. And I'm trying hard not to think like that because I do believe that what you focus on will become manifest in your life. But it's always in your mind; the fear of hearing that again. Especially when you still aren't feeling 'normal' and still don't have any energy. Cancer really is a mind fuck in addition to all of the other physical tolls it takes on your body. Yeah, so there's that.

I really don't know what I need. I keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like there's this purpose that I've totally missed somehow. I'm not alone in this sentiment I know. But I can only go off of what I feel. And with that I guess I'm going to get off of here.

Homework

So my lovely therapist Rhea has informed me that she's still reading my blog. I suppose this is a new way to do a meeting in today's age. I think it's pretty neat actually; I can write my exact thoughts and emotions and she can get a better glimpse into my complex little mind.

This week I have a little homework to do. I'm still having some issues with anxiety, although not as bad as they were, and I'm supposed to start writing here when I am feeling anxious what the markers are. It's not a bad idea, as it will help me see what triggers I need to work on. At the moment I'm feeling ok so nothing to really report on it now. Just a little heads up in the case that I start whining about why I'm feeling worked up in the future. The more you know!!!!!!!! heh

So I just found this nifty thing online that I'd like to share..... There are actually a few courses offered online from MIT that are free. How awesome is that?! Among the courses are things like Intro to psychology, Creating video games, Learning Italian while cooking, The early universe, and Intro to Quantum physics. I don't have the time to start anything else right now BUT when I do get some spare time I'm all over this. I'm so excited!!! For those who are interested here's the link:

https://www.inverse.com/article/10437-mit-s-7-best-free-online-courses-quantum-physics-and-making-video-games

Feel free to check it out. Learning is such an awesome experience. I hate that so much of it in life is unavailable due to cost restrictions.

I wish that there were some sort of group where people could go just to have in-depth conversations, even if it was only online. Unfortunately it's so hard to find a group that doesn't devolve into a haven filled with drama and that really has no real desire to further intellect and discussion. Sometimes I just yearn for that. The greatest compliment I've ever gotten is from a past Professor who told me that I was a 'modern day renaissance person' like DaVinci or Galileo. I was so blown away at that. She wasn't saying it because I am super smart like them (I can only wish!), but because I have the desire to learn about a variety of topics much like they did.

Perhaps in the future I'll find that place. My fingers are crossed. :)

I heart Enya

Strange title I know, but as I sit here one of her songs is playing in the background on the Music Choice channel (Soundscapes). Very peaceful and relaxing as her stuff usually is.

SO!!  What's been going on you may wonder? Well I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog other than me, my therapist Rhea and a few random people who have stumbled accidentally here. I could regale you with tales of debauchery and depravity, but honestly I don't have the energy I once did to keep up with all those shenanigans! Memories though...... yeah, some wild ones that still make me giggle from time to time.

Nothing too exciting going on. My fridge went out and I had to throw it all away, AND I had just went grocery shopping. But I now have a brand new fridge (thanks landlord!!) and food can be replaced... so there's that. School is back in swing here in the third week. All of my classes are online this semester so at least I don't have to drive back and forth to another city in the wintry weather. Yay! We did have a little snow and ice here. So that was exciting.

Started 'classes' again with my buddy who is also a great teacher. I've studied spirituality on my own for about 25 years and have always done what felt right to me without using extravagant rituals and symbolism and have been content with that. However I'd like to learn how to do certain things just so that when I'm out and about with other folks I can participate in how they choose to do things. And it's always a good thing to learn other perspectives on things; it either opens your eyes to new ways of doing things or it reiterates your own beliefs. Either way my heart is always open to learning and I'm glad of that!

One good thing that I've noticed is that since I've picked back up my spiritual studies AND all the shit happened last year with the cancer, etc.... I have really felt myself open back up a lot lately and I'm so happy about that. I've noticed that I've been picking up on things much easier and someone has been coming around a lot more often. (Hey therapist lady, if you're reading this you may think I'm crazy at this point so you may want to skip it hehehe.) The other night during a really in depth conversation it literally felt like someone had come up behind me and was standing over me. My entire right side was tingly and chilled and it was like eyes staring at me. It happened on two different occasions and I mentioned it to my friend who said that he had seen a shadow come down the stairs the day before and could feel that someone had come into the area as we were talking that night. They then followed me home because later that morning I woke up a few times in mid-conversation with someone, and it felt like a pretty important talk that was going on.

I've missed that; that feeling of connecting and being able to pick up on energies around me. For far too long it's been blocked on my end and I think that being sick and stressed finally forced me to let go somewhat and that was the beginning of allowing spirit to trickle back in and start peeling me open again. Hallelujah! I think it's also helped that I had a discussion with another friend that reminded me of what it felt like to feel an outside presence internalized. It's not a bad thing; it's just something that you have to learn to work with and through while at the same time retaining your own core and self. It's a balancing job sometimes but it can be done successfully. It's really about giving up just enough control as to be fluid in the process, but keeping enough control so that you aren't lost and caught up with no capability to ground. That will make sense to those that need it I suppose. It's a hard thing to explain to those that haven't felt it; and usually they just end up thinking that you're either delusional, schizophrenic, psychotic or just strung out.

Also had an interesting experience while meditating. Now, I'm the first one to admit that I suck at meditation. I mean royally. My mind has such a hard time slowing down that it takes me forever and usually I end up falling asleep instead of being successful haha. This is probably why I'd benefit the most from meditating though right? Anyway, I was meditating one day a couple weeks ago and going into it I was thinking about Goddess energy. To everyone who knows me I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I've always been more in touch with the projective, God energy rather than the receptive Goddess energies. Part of this is because the energies I've worked with have been primarily identified as male (although I am well aware that there are no true gender roles where spirit is concerned). So I went into meditation asking the male/God energy that I'm most familiar with to help me find a Goddess that I could feel comfortable working with while trying to connect more with the feminine side of deity. Needless to say it wasn't long before I 'saw' him walking into focus with a woman who I was able to recognize and get the name for. So it was a success!! And I now have another avenue of exploration and study to help me learn through. Sometimes things just happen when you least expect it. Ain't life grand???

Sunday Funday??

It's Sunday friends. Tomorrow starts a new semester of school. Luckily all my classes this term are online only, which means I don't have to worry about driving back and forth to Spartanburg for a while. That's a relief!

I'm still having some issues with insomnia but it's gotten a tad bit better. My friends pulled me into playing an online game with them and it helps to make me sleepy so I don't have quite as much trouble falling asleep. With most things like this though, being naturally an introverted person, I need to watch myself to make sure that I don't get sucked in too much so that real life falls by the wayside.

Mom was here for about two weeks through Xmas and New Years. That's always great when she's here because I don't feel so alone. So far since she's been gone I've been alright; I keep trying to become used to being alone all the time and I'm hoping that little by little I'll become more used to it.

Still having issues with anxiety as well. This is really one of the main things that's been bugging me. I think most of it stems from financial issues. I have been living off of loans and school money but they are really adding up and even with those my finances are limited. I really don't know what to do at this point. The social worker in the hospital applied for disability for myself because she said with all of the illnesses I have together it may get approved. I don't really know how to feel about this honestly. I don't want to be disabled. I don't want to just feel like I'm mooching off the government and people's taxes. I don't want to feel like I can't do something. But at the same time when she asked me the questions she did, it makes me wonder.  I can't work a full day on my feet due to my neuropathy being so bothersome. But I've always had pain, for as long as I can remember.... so I'm really used to just living with pain everyday. There are a lot of physical limitations due to my weight that cuts down on a lot of jobs I could do. My COPD won't allow me to work anywhere with chemicals, lots of animals, strong smells, lots of heat or mold. I can't do too much at once that will make me breathe heavy or my lungs will start being angry. I know that these things limit my choices of what I could do. I also know that because of this it would be very hard to get hired. Hell, even without telling people about my limitations they don't want to hire an old, fat woman. LOL.

I'm thinking that whatever happens, I am going to really make a serious attempt to lose weight again. I know that it won't take these conditions away but it will definitely make me feel better and should make those conditions a little more bearable. Maybe it would give me more energy, because I really haven't had any pickup in energy since the surgery, which is very disappointing.  I know I've tried a million times, and I'll try a million more until something finally works for me. If it was easy then everyone would be skinny minnies!

As soon as my lungs get semi-healthy again (please please please happen soon!) I have some craft projects I want to get started on. With them being angry right now though, the chemicals and smell from wood-burning would really kill me, even with wearing a mask. So I'm going to have to wait a little while longer.

So that's about all that's going on right now from my end. Just trying to stay inside, rest and keep my lungs somewhat happy and healing. I really don't want to have to go back to the doctors again for them as all they are going to do is tell me to use my albuterol and advair, which I'm already doing now. Wish there was something that would help clear it up quicker than those, because apparently they're not doing too much. bleah. Well here's to a great week!

Update

Well, funny I wrote my last post just today and then fell into a talk about this very thing tonight. As it turns out, I think Goddess pushed me into the corner tonight for a reason, so that I could get it out of me. I think it was therapeutic for the others there as well, as we also talked about some things they're dealing with. I feel better. And I'm proud of the fact that I said it, even through the tears, instead of holding it in. Yay for speaking my truth in the new year. Goodnight.

Ready for a New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!

I don't know about the rest of you but 2015 for me was by far one of the most difficult of my life. I'm so ready and happy to have it behind me and to be looking at a new time. May this new year be full of happiness, positivity, growth and change.

As I've stated in the past few posts (and forgive me for whining but this is my designated therapy-session mandated venting area lol), the insomnia and anxiety have really been affecting my moods the past month or so. In researching I'm also wondering if it doesn't have something to do with my body being thrown into surgical menopause and hormones being removed suddenly. In any case, I'm well aware that over this time I've been very quick tempered/easy to get upset and so I've been limiting my access to those things that may get me upset. But because of being aware of my emotions being super sensitive it's also made me aware of the actions of others in my life and how they affect me.

Lately I've been noticing that some of those people in my life who I've felt close to in the past don't feel as close anymore. Some of their actions have been repeatedly hurtful, mean spirited, and just downright disrespectful. It saddens me that they have made this their way of communicating. In thinking about it, it makes me wonder if they had acted that way all along or if my awareness had just started allowing me to see things more clearly. The truth is I'm not sure. I read something earlier that gave me pause to think...... here's what it says,

"We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends... and they are attracted to us. ...because they are like us. On a subconscious level, we're all emitting vibes that can be picked up by those around us. When our vibes are similar to those of a friend, we enjoy being around each other and we get along well with that person. But when our vibes are no longer in sync, we feel distant from the person and the friendship no longer feels good."

Now I've been through this once in my life before with a close friend and it was quite painful for both of us, but for my own mental and emotional health I felt the need to distance myself. Although I loved my friend dearly, it was obvious that the relationship was just toxic to us both. We still speak occasionally and I still love her like a sister but we both know that it will never be like it was, and that's ok. That part of our lives changed us, hopefully for the better, but that time has passed.

Unfortunately I feel like I'm walking towards that ledge again and it still sucks and hurts. But I also know that this is spirit telling me that the current relationships are in jeopardy of becoming more harmful than beneficial and that I have to respect myself and not let this happen. If someone who is supposed to be your friend constantly disrespects you, puts you down and makes you feel bad then they truly don't care about you. The relationship for them is about control, power over you, and feeding their own ego. It really has nothing to do with you at all, except you allow them to usurp it over you.

So this new year starts with the realization that once again, this may be a painful year of change. With this change though comes growth and I understand that if I can survive the loneliness that I have a great shot of coming out on the other side a much stronger person. It's never easy, and I know it's going to be a hard road to walk. Honestly I don't quite know right now how I'm going to deal with this or what kind of outlets I can find to keep from building up all sorts of anxieties and depression that will come with it. (I'm still trying to figure out how to cleanse out the ones I'm already dealing with lol.)  I'm going to try though; be patient with me.And that's a note to myself!! After all we are always our worst enemies.

2016.... I've decided that this is going to be a great year, and that the changes that will come (even if they're difficult and take time to complete) will bring great growth and a healthier outcome in aspects of physicality, mentality, emotions, spirituality and overall well-being.

We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us. - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf

We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us. - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf

“We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us.” - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf

“We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us.” - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf

Here we go again!

Ok, this is getting to be a major problem. My body just does not want to let me sleep. I'm exhausted, and feel like I haven't had any healing rest in weeks. My brain feels heavy and sluggish, my feet and legs won't stop aching and burning, and my eyes feel like there's a layer of sand in there. It's really all starting to affect my mood, my temper and is making me anxious. Sigh, let sleep come please!

Insomnia.... motivation for slackers like me.

Insomnia has set in once again. It brought it's friend restless leg syndrome, so I couldn't just sit here and wait to fall asleep without feeling like the skin on my calves was about to split open and spew forth thousands of tiny little spiders. So I got up and washed the dishes *my most hated chore* and cleaned the living room. Mom's coming in tomorrow to stay for a little bit so it's good that I was up and cleaning I suppose. hah.

This weekend was crazy!! Friday I had attempted to organize a "Homemade Yule Gift Exchange." There were 100 people in the group. We reserved the big back room at Denny's. 9 people showed up. And that, folks, is the apathetic attitude that our community has. So many bitch and whine about how no one ever tries to organize get-togethers through the year.... but when you do and they have to put the tiniest bit of effort in... forget about it. I find that pretty sad and pathetic. But hey, if they want to make excuses and not participate in anything that's their right. I was very grateful for those that did show up and we had a good time so I'm cool with it.

Saturday I had a game night get together with a few people. We played Cards against Humanity. I think whoever made that game was genius. I also think that they should hire me to write the cards. LOL. It was rather interesting.

Sunday was the big Yule party at Ken's. It was relatively small, so that was nice (only about 25 people or so). We played a few games which most enjoyed (of course there had to be a few grumbling and mumbling, but that's always the case isn't it?). Something happened though when we were preparing to put the yule log in the fireplace that was disappointing. One of the guys there lost his Father, whom he was very close to and still has a hard time with grieving, and carries his ashes with him. He felt moved to put some of those ashes in the fireplace just before the yule log went in. This was an act that was very emotional, personal and spiritual; yet there were people there who continued to laugh, talk and carry on loudly. Total disrespect. It was disappointing because those people who were doing this know better, and usually act better than this. Even after Ken said, hey we're doing something spiritual here they kept on talking. Yuck. I made sure that when he was done I gave him a big hug and told him that he was a good son and that his Father I'm sure was very proud of him. I just wanted him to know that someone recognized the sacrifice he was making and that I was honored to be a witness to it. I could feel the emotion rolling out of him and it was powerful. He really is a good guy. When the Yule log came to me and I took my moment to put into it what I wanted left behind and what I wanted to see in the new year it surprised me because I got pretty choked up. I usually tuck all emotion deep inside so others won't see me so vulnerable, but it felt good to let it go and put it into the wood.

The favorite times for me at parties are always when people peel away and go home, and there's like 4 or 5 of us left late into the night. That's when we usually get into the good, deep conversations that really push boundaries and open into a learning experience. It usually is very healing, and we all learn a good bit about each other and ourselves. (Or at least I do.) Yeah so when I finally walked in my back door and put my pj's on it was 5:30am. Yikes!

Oh yeah, I don't usually drink tequila, but it's all I had at the house that wasn't open. Needless to say I was pretty exhausted Monday. Then Monday night we went riding around looking at lights for about 5 hours. Then insomnia again last night.

This morning I had a breakfast date with some friends. I felt pretty bad because I had taken my pain medicine late, trying to get the restless legs to calm down. So when I woke up earlier than I'm used to the drugs were still in my system and I was super groggy. Luckily my friend offered to come pick me up. She's such a sweetheart, and I'm super glad that she did because I really wanted to spend some time visiting. Afterwards, when she dropped me back at home it was pretty damn apparent that deity had set that all up on purpose. LOL. We sat outside for almost two hours talking about things that I haven't talked to anyone about in a very long time. I think she needed it; there seemed to be something that touched a nerve in her and she said she felt some things healed. I was so happy to hear her say that. I hope she knows that she always has a friend and an ear in me whenever she needs to talk. Sometimes you need that person who understands what you're explaining and who doesn't have any judgement on you or your sanity. There is a kinship there that I hope can strengthen in the new year. I'm going to make sure I put the effort and energy in to make that friendship stronger and to visit her more often. :)

So Yule is over and Xmas is next. I'm so excited for Mom to come up. I always miss her so much when she's not here and I know she needs the time away from Bud. I don't have money this year and it always bothers me that I can't afford to get her what she deserves. (BTW, she deserves everything and more. LOL). I managed to pick up a few little things. I made her a little plaque that I woodburned, and I also found a few things that I tweaked at the goodwill. OH! The best thing though... I managed to get her one of those 35.00 kindle fires on black Friday. I put it on my credit card along with the other little stuff, which I know is bad because I really REALLY don't need to keep using my credit card but it's all I have right now. And goddamit, I'm going to make sure she has something. We've always bought and bought for people, not because we feel we have to but because we like to make others happy and let them know we thought about them. Our problem is we usually go way overboard. We love doing it though, and up to the past couple years we were able to. But no one ever buys for us usually. It's a rare moment indeed. We don't gift to others expecting to get something back..... but it really makes you feel shitty when no one cares enough to get you anything.

So as usual, it's always been us two against the world. And we always make sure that we do whatever we can to make sure each other has something to open under the tree. Even if it's just a box of candy... and with all she's done for me this year especially I did my best to make sure she had some presents. I wish I could do more for her. There's not enough I could ever do to show her how much she means to me. Anyways............ enough of that!

With all that's happened this weekend and the observations and talks that I was a part of, it really reiterated to me just how people can be so clueless about themselves. I'm sure that I'm guilty of this as well. It just amazes me though how people can talk about others (not mean, but honestly) but yet they don't realize that same aspect that they're complaining about in themselves. I know that it's always easier to see the lessons that others need to learn rather than your own, but sometimes it's hard to believe when it's so obvious. Perhaps they're just in denial about how they do the same exact things that those they're speaking about do. I'm going to try to be more aware of this in myself and work on seeing the things that bother me in others in myself and work to change that part of me. That's a good resolution for the new year!

Well I've run my mouth enough. I know that no one is going to read this and I'm honestly kind of glad about it. I've been needing to journal a long time now and it feels good just to get stuff down and get back in the habit. I feel like Doogie Howser heh.

Self Reflection : My homework assignment begins!

My first assignment from my counselor was to start journaling again. So here we are.

There were a few things she wanted me to talk about and explore. I was told first to read about cognitive behavioral therapy. I made a joke about her ringing a bell and my salivating at that, and after researching it I have to chuckle because it does, indeed, make reference to Pavlov and conditioning. Sometimes I really amuse myself. lol.

We talked some today about what my 'end game' is and what my goals are. This has always been a hard one for me because truthfully I've never felt that feeling that tells a person that they've found their calling. I would love one day to help others. Wayne Dyer was a personal hero of mine and I admire how he was able to touch others and share wisdom. Maybe one day I'll be in a position where I've gathered enough life experiences and have the ability to help others through that.

I've known for many, many years now that I am extremely analytical and am far too in my head. This has it's good and bad qualities, but at the extent in which I stay trapped in this state I feel that it has more cons for me. It's become my crutch; my captor; my master - and I do not like this at all. I know that I am a much stronger person than this, yet I know that I am still lost in this state that I've lived in for so long.

When I read the posts from 2014 on this blog, I see that I'm still dealing with many of the same lessons. When I was sitting in the room where the Dr. told me I had cancer, the first thoughts in my head was that it was a direct manifestation of the negativity, stress, depression and anxiety that I had allowed to take root and flourish in my life.

When I wrote those posts last year they came from a place of my losing a friendship that was dear to me and being disappointed with the character and integrity of those involved in that situation. In dealing with the past few months and all of the trials I see now that those same situations have cycled around again with different people. I've often been told that I shouldn't put expectations on people because that is my attempting to control and/or project my desires onto them. I understand that side of it, but I also call bullshit in many ways. I now understand that those people telling you not to put expectations on others are often giving that advice not for your benefit but for their own. They don't want anyone to put expectations on them because they don't want to take responsibility for not meeting them. Now I'm not talking about irrational expectations; I'm talking about the basic expectations that you have in any type of relationship, whether it be friendships, family members, lovers, etc. Things like being able to count on them, having an equal amount of give and take, each making an effort in the relationship, caring about each other and building the other up, and not doing things purposefully that one knows will hurt the other.

Being sick and going through so many different emotions so quickly really teaches you about yourself but it also teaches you about others around you. Friends who you thought would be there drift away; things that you once thought were important now seem silly; beliefs and thought patterns shift drastically at times and your tolerance levels for foolishness are completely changed.

I'm making it. I managed to end the semester with two A's, a B+ and a B. I couldn't be happier as I missed a month and a half overall. I'm proud of myself for pulling through it. It wasn't easy and I put a LOT of effort into making sure I taught myself what I could by researching online and also taking the time to ask my Professors for help when I didn't understand something. I wish that the stress was less now that the cancer is gone; but it isn't. In many ways it's worse now. I've almost completely ran out of money and until the end of January, when hopefully the spring semester refunds will come through, I'm scraping what I can together. My car has left me stranded twice and it's been in and out of the shop at least four/five times in the past month. Add to all that hospital bills and my stress levels are still through the roof. I'm still not able to do a lot because I'm healing slowly inside (side affect of diabetes) and I still have major trouble sleeping and being exhausted.

Don't think I'm not thankful that the surgery was a success! I am, very much so. I was successful at making it through the semester. There's a lot that I'm thankful for. I am still working on changing my mindset into one of gratitude and positivity. It's an ongoing process. I hope that my therapist (Let's give her a fun name......we'll call her Rhea) is able to help me with learning how to retrain my brain. Today she said it was like I was two people...... when I talk about things outside of myself I'm passionate and positive, but when talking about myself I'm all negative Nancy and bleah. It's true, I totally see it.Time to go to work. I'll take the red pill please.