It's so hot even my salt lamps are sweating...

I shit you not. Yes, I realize that it's normal for salt lamps to sweat and leave salt on the table around them. But DAMN it's been hot lately! I hate summer, truly. For those of you who have never had the privilege of living in the deep south, (and by that I mean DEEP SOUTH, namely... SC, NC, GA, TN, and AL) you will never understand the true hell of 100% humidity on a sweltering hot day. I've lived in Arizona, a mere 30ish miles from the Mexican border in the middle of a desert, where it was 120 degrees in the shade... and it still was more pleasant than a hot summer day in SC. Yuck. Bring on the fall and winter please!

It was a pretty bad day today. My mood was not the problem but my body was. Every week and a half or so it gets to the point where I have a day where my body just doesn't seem to want to function. I am so exhausted and icky feeling that I just can't stay awake. So most of the day I spent trying to stay in the dark, coolness and get some energy back. When I finally did wake up I watched the Jeff Sessions hearing which I had DVR'd and was totally disgusted. I really dislike that man. He reminds me of what would be produced if a Keebler elf and this aggravating little ass from the Hitler youth army had a love child.

 

Seriously. Like WTF man? Anyway, this entire political year has been ass-backwards and it's easy to get worked up over the idiots that back this hateful rhetoric. I can only look forward to the next elections when we can reverse this idiocracy that exists now.

I really wanted to get a few things accomplished this week, but for the most part I didn't get as much done as I should have. I did get my cutting board put together and sanded down, and now it's ready to stain. I sold a few more things on ebay and offerup, which will help pay at least one bill. I still have some more things to put up but I still have to take pictures.

Tomorrow I have a dr. appointment and I have to attempt to figure out where I'm moving some things in the kitchen to. I have to clean out the area in the kitchen in order to get to where the connections for the washer/dryer are. When your apartment is so small though it's an act of congress to figure out where to move anything to, even just temporarily.

I'm looking forward to Friday. Mom is coming back up for the weekend because we have tickets to go see the Lion King live! We've had tickets since before the new year, as they were a Christmas present. I don't know what we're going to do about parking yet but we shall see. I hope that we can just pay to park somewhere close and not have to do a lot of walking, as hiring an uber or a cab will cost almost 30 bucks! Which, by the way, I think is totally ludicrous. I hope Mom really enjoys the show. She has never seen a Broadway show (neither have I actually), but I have always loved the theater plays that I've seen and I also love musicals for the most part. I just want her to have fun and enjoy it.

So I guess that's about all for now. I hope that tomorrow I am feeling a bit better and that my body has some energy. It really does suck to feel like your body is just a lifeless husk. Bother.

Bruce Lee Kicked my Ass

Once again it's been quite a while since I've been here. No excuses; it's just the way it is. Last year I was working with a therapist that I called "Rhea" who was appointed to me from the cancer center. She met with me a few times and told me that she wanted me to journal again and so I did. Eventually she just never returned my call or set up a new appointment and so that ended that. Honestly ya'll, I didn't do anything really crazy at all! She had asked me about religious beliefs and I honestly told her a little bit about my beliefs and well....... I guess that severed that link. How someone can call themselves a therapist and then cut off anyone who isn't Christian like them is beyond me, but what can you do?

So from that point on, well almost a year I guess, I've been dealing with things myself. Some things have been better and some have been much worse. Last month I decided to ask my doctor at the clinic to refer me to one of the therapists there and she did. Luckily my new therapist is pretty damn cool and she seems to not be threatened or frightened of my outlooks on life. Hah! She wanted me to journal again too so here I am. We'll name her "Lois" in honor of Achelois, (a moon Goddess whose name meant 'she who washes away pain').

What's been happening in my world, you might ask. I'm still attempting to finish school and am officially a senior according to the college. I've tried to find a job and put in a good many applications but due to the physical restrictions there just hasn't been anything that I'm qualified for. And those that I could physically do require a degree that I don't have yet. So yeah... catch 22! I've been living off of my school loans and I've been selling a lot of my shit to pay bills. I guess I'm lucky that I saved up all kinds of stuff for years in preparation of moving and having my own place. It's just stuff.... some of it is hard to let go because of the dreams I had tied up with them, but for the most part I let it go because I know those dreams are gone now and things have changed so much. When it's time to create new dreams then I'll just start anew. I'm not the same person that I was so there's no point in holding onto those old things. Needless to say, things have been pretty tight some weeks.

I'm still dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. Lois says that I have depression. Well duh. I've been depressed all of my life, (well at least since about the age of 10). At this point, after 30 years of feeling damaged inside, I'm pretty much a pro at hiding it behind a happy mask. She told me that I seem to be a pretty positive person and I'm usually happy. That makes me feel a little proud and a little disturbed. Proud, because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Disturbed because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Yep that's me. All kinds of double edge sword ninja tricks. Bruce Lee totally kicked my ass.

What's changed other than me? I've had to let some relationships go or at least cool off drastically. I really had no choice in this. It was either take that step or continue letting them hurt me because either they A) didn't care about me in the first place, or B) they were too selfish and decided that hurting me was a way to get me to do what they wanted or to make themselves feel superior. So for the most part I stay at home alone and hang out. From time to time I'll venture out and hang with my friends Bobby, Dawn, and Sam. We have a good time together and none of us are trying to use the other for some reason or another. We all help each other out when we need it and I'm so grateful for their friendships. It's nice to have people that understand that real friendships are a give and take and not just a take take take take with no give. But other than that it's just me. It's pretty lonely and sometimes I have trouble with that so I try to make the most of it.

I turned 40 last month. I never thought I'd live to 40. Not in a million years did I believe that. Honestly, many days I wish I hadn't lived to 40. I promised my Mom a long time ago that as long as she was alive I wouldn't hurt myself, and because I love her so much I have done my best to keep that promise. She deserves so much and that is the only real thing that I can give her. However, that doesn't keep me from hoping some days that I would just not wake up. If I die naturally it would still hurt her I know but there's nothing I can really do about that and at least she would know I kept my word. Not trying to sound morbid, mind you. It's just the honest truth of how I feel. I don't mind taking a shower in a thunderstorm now because if lightning hits me it's not really that big of a deal. How's that for fucked up?! HAH!

One day at a time. That's how I tend to get by at the moment. I try to just get through this day. Some days it's much, much harder than others.

I suppose one of the biggest issues for me right now is dealing with the loss of possibilities. I had always wanted to have kids I think, even though I didn't realize quite what I was feeling until I was much older. There was some part of me that knew that it was probably better that I didn't have kids because our family line really needed to end with me and my brother, (he's totally in agreement with that as well). Our family is far too fucked up to pass the same cycles down to another generation. It is better to end with us. Knowing that doesn't change those feelings, however, and as a woman I think it's embedded in our DNA to have that desire to reproduce.

I've always loved kids and have always wanted to have a child, as well as to make my Mom a Grandma. Even though I knew that the odds were 99% against having a kid, up until the cancer there was always that slight possibility that it could happen. (Now other than the health issues, there were a VAST amount of mental and emotional roadblocks to that ever happening... but the heart wants what the heart wants and logic need not apply.) After the cancer surgery though, all of that was gone. I don't feel as though my 'womanhood' is gone as some I've talked to feel; I just feel that the chances and possibilities were ripped away from me. As one lady told me, it's like I'm grieving the death of the child that I never was able to have. It feels like a death and a loss. It feels like grieving the life that never was to be. I don't know how else to explain it, and I know it doesn't make sense to anyone whose never felt the same. How can someone mourn what never was? But there it is folks; there's this huge, gaping black hole in the soul. And what is a black hole? To use one definition they are: "A region of space having a gravitational field so intense that no matter, light, or radiation can escape." To use another definition they are: "A place where people or things, especially money, disappear without trace." And there you have it. The black hole in my life has caused the possibilities to disappear without a trace with no trace of light escaping.

It is hard to explain these feelings to anyone else, so I really don't talk about them. I've tried to explain them to those who are close to me but they choose to either ignore or dismiss them. For example, I've had one friend that I've known since I was about 18 years old. We've never lived near each other, (we met in a chatroom), but I've visited her a couple of times in person and we stay in touch over the phone almost every day. I love her to death. She has never wanted children and in fact she has always been adamant about not wanting kids. Two years ago she got pregnant and was a little upset about it, however she is Catholic and doesn't believe in abortion so she decided to have the baby. Now don't get me wrong; I'm extremely happy for her that she had her little girl and doesn't regret it now - but I still have to listen to her almost every day complain about her kid. She loves her; but she also complains a LOT about it. I don't mind letting her vent, but quite often she makes remarks like, "Oh you're so lucky that you don't have to worry about kids" or, "Be happy that you'll never have to deal with a kid", etc. There are numerous other comments like that, but you get the general idea. Hearing those things cuts me to the bone, and what's worse is that she knows how it makes me feel. I've told her that they really hurt me because I'll never have that chance, but she still makes those comments often. I just don't say anything anymore; it's easier that way because people don't get it. They don't try to get it. They don't understand how sometimes seeing a pretty baby in the store or on TV can rip that wound open anew. Hell, I was almost in tears the other day sitting outside the pharmacy waiting for medication because I was sitting directly across from the baby aisle with all those kids on the diaper boxes staring out. I know... crazy right?!

So, yeah... you feel like a failure as a woman. And for me, it makes me angry and resentful towards myself for making my life such a mess that I never was able to realize the opportunity of having a family. It makes me hate myself even more because once again, my fucked up mental and emotional situations controlled my life and stole those things from it.  Add all of that anger, resentment, hatred, grief, sense of loss, pain, failure, and anxiety together and some days it is quite crippling. Some days it's hard to even make it to the bathroom and get a shower, or make myself eat. (Imagine that, a fat girl who finds it hard to eat!)

And on that note I think I'm going to end that post here. If I dwell on it too much it just depresses me even more and I don't really want to wallow in it tonight. :) Here's to hoping for a decent tomorrow.

Panic on the dance floor

Just kidding. There's no dance floor. hah.
You know I am trying to deal with a small panic attack right now. Allergies started messing with me a couple weeks ago and I've been sick as crap since then. I'm fighting to keep it from going into my lungs and settling more than it already has. Tonight I haven't been able to sleep any b/c of not being able to breathe well and my body going into little panic attacks every time I try to doze off because of it. Such a pain in the arse.

Also dealing with some anxiety due to money issues. You know, I'm not perfect. I know that I spend way too much money on things like grabbing food when I'm out or picking up a new book from time to time. I may go to a movie once in a while or spend extra on gas because I decided to ride around just to get out of the house. These are things that I really need to stop but at the same time I feel like you have to live a little bit or else why be alive at all? I guess it's gonna have to stop though. I'm starting to stress again. I got denied for SSID. They stated that my medical problems were severe enough for me not to be able to work but that it isn't severe enough to not work in 12 months. I don't quite understand their logic but I know that denial is the common result one gets. Seeing as how my medical problems have no cure and I've already had them for over a year I don't know how they figure they'll improve in 12 months but OK........ what do they expect me to do right now even if I was able to return to work in 12 months time? Thank goodness I have a tiny emergency stash for my rent and I'll try to sell some more stuff to help with rent. I've already sold almost all of my movies, games, books and stuff. Hopefully that will push me through to my lease end. From there I'm not sure. I'll go back to trying to get a job that will work around the medical issues although from past experience I never even got to the interview portion where I had to explain them. For the few interviews that I did get called in for as soon as they saw me there was some comment made or excuse given as to why I wouldn't be a good fit for the job. If all else fails I'll pack what I really want to keep into a storage building and live out of my car for a bit. Many people have done it, I guess I can too.

Ok, my pity party is done. Just needed to get it out so I can move on. My head hurts from stress and I'm just reaching the point again where I don't really care; what will be, will be. Maybe this is what is supposed to be and everything happens for a reason right! Yep. :)
I guess I'll try to focus on positive things and hope that things will work out for the best.

Allergies be Damned!

Yes, this image represents me well at the moment. Allergies are totally kicking my ass. I think it's quite humorous that only two weeks ago, I had to have a spirometry test done on my lungs. When I was actually in better shape than normal and could breathe. Immediately after it was done, BOOM!!! My lungs start showing out. Then the allergies kicked in and ugh. Yep, this is why fall is my favorite season.

Did I mention I got yet another bill for $39,000 today? I've done everything that they've asked me to do at the hospital and yet apparently it's still not enough. I was pretty much told before surgery that because I had hospital sponsorship that it should be covered..... now, not so much. Who knows what they want now. They might just have to be happy getting 5 bucks a month for the rest of my life. I'm tired of stressing over how to pay for all the medical bills. And this is why I never did get to go to the doctor.

So I went home to visit the parental units last weekend. It was very surreal and very unexpected. I went in Friday, and as always I told my Mom that I had no clue how long I'd be staying (it hinges on how my Dad is acting). The last time I'd went home I was officially in the house for less than two minutes and he was bitching me out over things that I had nothing to do with, nor had any control over. Needless to say that whenever I head home the three hour ride is always spent preparing myself as best I can mentally for what's to come. My entire family has daddy issues due to living with him and his wickedness and even at 38 years old I haven't figured out just how to successfully tune him out. Usually the entire time I'm there is spent either out going somewhere with my Mom or hidden in her bedroom, only really leaving it to go to the bathroom or getting something to drink from the kitchen. My entire life we all spent our time in an effort to avoid being in the same room with him. It's really quite sad and dysfunctional.

With that said, I went the country route in and so it took me about five hours instead of three. I just wanted to meander really. When I got there I walked in and he was sitting at the table. He turned around, hugged me and said hello. I was in a stupor. It sounds pretty normal right?? Nothing for anyone to go into shock over. Well believe me; this was a shock moment for me. This was NOT normal. I mean to lay it out there......... My health is pretty shitty. So when I got diagnosed with cancer and went home to tell my parents, and was having surgery in two weeks to remove all my female parts the doctors had made it clear that with my bad health there's always a risk that I might not make it off the table. There's always a risk. My Dad had been an ass the entire time I was there, and when I was leaving my Mother says to him, "This might be the last time you see her if something happens. She could die on the table you know...." (She was a little pissed at him and that's why she said it that way.) He didn't even look at us; just kept watching tv, shrugged his shoulders and said "Whatever." And that folks, is pretty much the way he always acts. So when he hugs me and smiles when I walk in, it's a rare thing.

I ended up staying until Tuesday morning. The entire time he was in a good mood and we all got along and even talked some. He made us dinner Saturday. He never really bitched about anything the entire time I was there. He didn't talk nasty or hateful. I felt like the pod people had descended and taken his body over. It was very odd. He hugged me when I was leaving and said he loved me. WTF?? It was a super nice departure. I don't know why, or how things were different; I'm just glad they were. But I have to admit..... it's times like this that really deliver the biggest mind fuck. Like your brain just doesn't know how to quite comprehend what's happening. Strange.

So it's Friday night and here I sit watching Betty White on the James Corden show. She's been alive longer than sliced bread has been around. Seriously; they just said it. Wow. The things she's seen. The changes that she's witnessed. I hope my next life has as much adventure as she's had in this one. Some friends invited me to go to a club with them tonight to see a drag show but honestly I just wasn't in the mood. I am feeling pretty exhausted and sore just from coughing; though I do feel better today than I did yesterday. This weekend I just want to veg out and relax and give my body time to feel better. Maybe I'm just old lol. I don't have the desire to go out and do a bunch of partying or anything now. It takes to long to recuperate and I just feel so horrible afterwards.

I'm kinda tired now. I've taken Benadryl. I think I'll leave you with a rather cute meme I saw. I do so love my sharks........ Good night!

On dreams, time and the brain.

Life is funny. One day can seem to draw out for an eternity; each second seeming to last longer than the last. And then there are times where you blink and the day is over. As someone who thinks that time isn't just some linear, finite concept; it's pretty apparent that the passing of time is subject to emotional state. It reminds me of Star Trek, when Picard's lady friend slowed the passing of time.

So then the argument is, does she slow time itself or does she slow their perception of time passing? In either case, the outcome is the same. I've often wondered if our existence rang true in our waking hours or in our dreams. In dreams, we are not bound by the same limitations as we are in wakefulness. To me then, this tends to make me think that it is our limitless selves that are in a truer state of being. In dreams we are free of all fetters that normally keep us trapped to our mortal lots. In dreams I think we experience time in it's truer state as well. To me time is more like a coil that wraps back upon itself time and time again. At times we are able to glimpse other parts of the coil and it's at these times that we have moments of deja'vu or intuition or prophetic visions and dreams.

With all of the technology and abilities we have in our modern times.... yet still science is truly not able to explain what happens while we are sleeping. They can track how the neurons fire in the brain and what parts are most active. They can see how our various body parts slow down and heal themselves. But dreams....... the worlds in which we exist in while we slumber; it's all theories and guesswork for the most part. We don't know, for certain, if our very lives aren't layers of dreams atop one another. I have often woken up from a dream inside of a dream and felt like I was fighting to 'really wake up' and climb up through those layers. There's no way to know if we aren't living this life in a dream at this very moment. It's one reason why I loved the movie "The Matrix". I think it's why so many people connected with the same movie. It's the thought of, "What if this is all illusion?"

I really do feel most of the time that this is all illusion. That may make me sound crazy; it matters not. I have always felt that this physical body is only a 'meat suit' and that it is not what makes me. This body, this heart, this brain..... it is not who I am, no more than a lamp and lightbulb is electricity. Just like the lamp and the light bulb carry the current of electricity; the body, heart and brain are conduits for the soul. To me the soul and spirit are intertwined although I realize that to some they are the same and to others they are completely separate. The soul, in my opinion, is what makes you you.... it is the part that gives you personality and self-awareness. It is the 'charge' that animates your body. It is the battery terminal that allows the connection between the engine (spirit) and the machine (body). The spirit is the part of you that holds divinity; the part that connects you to the All, the Creator, God, Goddess... however you choose to see the divine. Looking at it this way, you can be alive and have a dead spirit.... I've seen this sometimes when looking at killers or those that have been through extreme torture. (I usually say that the person has 'dead eyes'.) I believe that the spirit can come alive again through experiences and lots of hard work. But if the soul is gone; well then nothing remains but the meat suit.

Why does any of that have to do with anything you might ask? In talking on dreams and why I say that it is, in my opinion, a truer form of being is that it is in dreams that the spirit and soul exist without being bound by the body. Without these limitations time really has no meaning because the soul and spirit are infinite and immortal; time then has no hold over anything. There is no 'passing of time' in dreams as you can instantly be here or there, then or now, or all of the above at once. And in dreams it's lovely because no matter how crazy things seem, they always make sense at that moment in the dream. How awesome it would be if our minds could work that way in the 'waking' hours. This is why genius borderlines insanity; because the passageways in the mind of a genius which usually inhibit the true strength of the soul/spirit to be fully present are different than in those of 'normal' folk.

Follow this train of thought....If the brain is the 'road' that the soul/spirit must travel down to fully inhabit and animate the body, perhaps it has 'gates' along the way (much like toll booths) that are put in place to keep from overwhelming the machine. This would be very similar to how resistors are used in electrical components to keep the voltage from overwhelming and blowing the circuits. People whose brains work differently may have defective or absent resistors. By having the 'full current' of the soul/spirit with no resistors rocketing through the brain, this could cause various affects....... It could create a genius, who perhaps has just enough resistance to keep them from suffering insanity, but yet allows purely innovative and creative thought and ideas. It could create an atmosphere in the mind where the soul/spirit flow is so strong that the 'flap' between the waking world and the dream world (also known as the world of spirit) is completely burnt out and these people have each reality bleeding into each other. (This would perfectly explain conditions like schizophrenia or delusions.) During successful meditation, intense prayer, repetition during spiritual practice, etc....  one can traverse these pathways or gates and allow unfettered bursts of soul/spirit to stream through while still being able to put the resistors back into place when it is necessary.

And that's my random thoughts for tonight. There is definitely more that ties in with these thoughts that I'll get to eventually.... but for now this post is long enough. Goodnight!

Week almost Gone

Whew this week has went by FAST!  I have to admit I'm a little tired and looking forward to some quiet alone time to veg out this weekend.

So what's been going on you ask? Well my Mother came into town and delivered me a new stove which someone in Sumter gifted my way (yay!). It's a fancy stainless steel one with a glass cooking top... so no more tilted burners and everything running to one side in a frying pan haha. It's really nice though and I'm super grateful for our friend sending it up here. :)

I've also been working some in the apartment, trying to get some things organized. I'm still nowhere near even halfway done but a good bit of progress was made. The living room is looking awesome and it's almost how I want it...... but the bedroom is still a mess of boxes and stuff to go through and organize. I did manage to get some shelves but it'll be a little while before I get the area where they're going cleaned up. That's the next thing to work on. Once that happens and I get them attached to the wall it will make a huge difference in being able to get those boxes taken care of. I'm so looking forward to that moment let me tell you! I just try to do a little bit at a time.

There's been other odds and ends going on the past couple weeks. I went to Diamond Hill Mines for the first time and spent the day. It's the first real time I've pushed myself since I've had surgery so I was very careful. I got tired pretty quick and spent a good bit of the time sitting on my bucket and digging that way haha. But I still had fun and we found some good stuff. I was excited! Now the real job is cleaning the rocks up.... that'll take a while. I can tell when I overdo stuff because when I get really tired I start having pains in my gut where the stitches are inside. That's my big sign to slow down or stop altogether. But I'm proud of myself for getting out and doing as much as I could do without hurting myself.

OH! Last night I went to see the Yamato Japanese drummers at the Peace Center. Wow they were superb. It tired me out just watching them! They drummed for an hour straight before the short intermission, and then for almost another hour. I don't know how they have that much stamina. It was a great show though and the energy was fast and high. I'd highly suggest anyone check them out that can and likes drumming. It was very akin to Native American in parts and you know I loved that!

You know, I usually don't talk politics because people get so touchy about it.... but since this is my blog I guess I can say what I want. It scares me that people are really taking Donald Trump seriously. How could a person want a man to run a country that has made racist, sexist and homophobic remark after remark? I went to a handfasting Sunday of two beautiful women who have been together for 28 years and were FINALLY able to legally tie the knot. Just standing there watching them and thinking that it's 2016 and we're just now getting to this point in history.... it's just sad that it's taken so long. And to think that people are thinking about voting for someone who wants to turn back the civil rights movement by a century just dumbfounds me. I have pagan friends and gay friends that are backing him!! I just want to ask them what the hell are they thinking? Do they think that if someone gets into office that has it out for one religion or is anti-gay marriage that he won't come for them next?? So they think that he's going to stop with Muslims?? And since when does a few radical Muslims make all Muslims evil and out for blood? The majority are peaceful, lovely people! I mean come on, if we went off of radical religious loonies then the Christian religion would be at the top of the list for whack-jobs. Almost every cult in American history has been Chrisitan... the Nazi regime were Chrisitan..... and so on it goes. People just won't learn from history it seems. Ugh. Ok that's my rant.

It's time for a movie and then I'm going to try to get some rest. Hopefully next time I'll have some actual interesting stuff to say. Until then, toodles!

Here comes the sun again!

I don't quite know why or when it occurred, but apparently I've turned into a vampire. No matter how hard I try I cannot seem to fall asleep before 8am. As I sit here I see the light from morning beginning to peek in around the slats of my blinds on the front door. I don't necessarily like this; I end up feeling like crap and when I finally do fall asleep I sleep the day away. By the time I get up there's not much time left in the day to do certain errands. I vant to suck your blood!!!!! I have a headache right now.... my sugar levels have been insane..... I got home around 4am and my sugar had been dropping for a little while and I was feeling bad, so I check it and yep..... it's way low for me. So I eat a bite to get it back up and I start feeling a little better...... then an hour later my head is hurting, I'm burning up and check it again and it's shot WAY up so I have to take a shot. Like WTF man.... make up your mind! High or low..... can't there be a happy in between??? It never reacts the same way to anything, even if it's the same stimuli that is ingested and the same amount of insulin taken....... I think my body rolls dice like a drunk teenager playing Dungeons and Dragons to get my glucose levels. Seriously!

No seriously though, it is causing me some anxiety. The past three days or so I've been trying to do some 'tapping' to help ease the anxiety somewhat when I try to go to sleep. (Usually when I start trying to fall asleep I start to drift off and then jolt awake in a semi-panic attack. I tend to think it's because of my not feeling like I'm able to breathe well.) The tapping has been somewhat beneficial, probably because it causes my mind to focus elsewhere. I've also tried to take both of my steroids for the lungs before I finally settle down. This may be helping a bit too. There are still some issues though.

As always I'm still struggling with my eating. I'm such an emotional eater and I crave sweets. I think it's mostly psychological. When I get lonely, depressed or bored it triggers the only comfort that's always been there for me in my life - food. And aside from that I truly just love food; it's not even about eating it all the time. I even just love watching it be prepared; even shit that I would never consider eating..... I still find it fascinating. It's like an art. I really am a fat girl at heart. hahaha. Of course this doesn't do well at all being that I have "the sugah" and all.

I can never seem to stay on the course long (I have ZERO willpower where food is concerned), but I always try to get back on the wagon again. I'll do it a million times over until something sticks. One day at a time....... that's all I can focus on. I had to throw away all of my food from the fridge and freezer when it went out.... so the past two weeks has been kind of tight. I get my food money on the 7th so then I'm going shopping and I'm going to try and get some healthier stuff. I know, I know....... you don't believe me. But I shall try my best and that's all I can do. Unless you're some rich starlet who can afford personal chefs, personal trainers and a home gym..... doing this shit is hard all on your own. I am my own worst enemy after all.

Probably because of  the poor sleeping, the bad diet, the troubles breathing and still dealing with some depression I have still been feeling really bad. I know I've talked to other people who have been through cancer and they say that once you've had it, even if it was all taken out.... you always fear that it will come back somewhere else. I never got that before but I totally understand it now. And I'm trying hard not to think like that because I do believe that what you focus on will become manifest in your life. But it's always in your mind; the fear of hearing that again. Especially when you still aren't feeling 'normal' and still don't have any energy. Cancer really is a mind fuck in addition to all of the other physical tolls it takes on your body. Yeah, so there's that.

I really don't know what I need. I keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like there's this purpose that I've totally missed somehow. I'm not alone in this sentiment I know. But I can only go off of what I feel. And with that I guess I'm going to get off of here.