ooOO.... Iyanla is fixing my life. But I'm helping!

Those who know me understand that I'm a self-help junkie. I love the stuff. Truly I don't understand why anyone wouldn't love the stuff.... unless they're in complete denial of a need to constantly grow and better ourselves. Anyway, one of my favorite is Iyanla Vanzant. I'd love to sit down with this lady for a while.

I've been going through some pretty difficult stuff the past week. I hate for people to see me cry, and unfortunately I broke down so bad the other night that it resulted in my sitting outside alone and almost hyperventilating for well over an hour. Then when I pulled myself together enough to go inside I preceded to break down again and ended up making myself a nice BIG alcoholic drink. Don't worry, I'm not an alcoholic... but it was well needed to calm me down. I really really really was embarrassed for my friend to see me that way, even though in truth he has saved my sanity in the past and has seen me in some pretty dark places. Still, it's always hard to be completely raw and vulnerable in front of others. It's a special kind of nekkid, a spiritual nakedness that only a few share with others (*usually not by choice at first*). I'm glad now that I did, and so thankful that he's there for support.

NOW then, back to Iyanla. The night before the proverbial shit hit the fan, I had stumbled across a video on Iyanla's facebook page and decided to take some notes. Something felt important in her message even though I didn't know why at the time. I didn't realize that spirit had led me there for a purpose that was to kick in within 24 hours, but I'm glad I listened. So here's some of my notes from her taping and some of my replies. This is kinda long, but it's something I'm doing for myself so please feel free to keep reading or pass this on by. The choice is yours~ but please understand that I'm putting down exactly what I wrote down which isn't easy. It's very private, and it's hard. But making yourself open and vulnerable to the world is necessary to face your truth and accept it.

What is that thing that you do? She is asking what is it that you do, repeatedly, to act as either a distraction or an excuse for your situation and your current state of being. 
 I resort to joking about everything, even if I find it hurtful to myself. I don't speak up to those that I care about the most when they're hurtful to me. I pretend that I don't care and I dimiss myself and my feeling in the effort to cater to others.

What or who makes you angry?
People who treat me like I'm less than or try to walk over me. People who say one thing but do something completely different. People who pretend to be a friend but only are when it's convenient for them or their situation. Fake, false, phony, lying people. Being discriminated against because of my weight and also feeling embarrassed or ashamed because of how people think, look and act towards me. Putting myself into situations where I feel angry because of these people and/or situations.

Why?
I think I'm tired of putting time, feeling, energy and trust into people that are phonies. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one willing to go the extra mile or make sacrifices in situations and relationships. The disapointment in the way that others seem to show no respect or desire to remain true to their word, and the disrespect they show to themselves and to others bothers me. It seems as if no one cares about their character and just dismisses their conscience so easily. I understand that I am not supposed to put expectations onto others but I still struggle with this. This is especially hard when it comes from people who I thought were honest and trustworthy.

What makes you happy or feel joy?
New experiences. Seeing new places, traveling. Spending time with true friends, having deep spiritual discussions and connections with them and learning from each others perspectives and experience. Feeling the unabashed joy and love in my heart when I see a touching story or video (yes, I cry at dog food commercials sometimes). Watching the underdog overcome their obstacles and be triumphant. The moments when total faith and connection to deity shines through. Beautiful landscapes; sunsets over mountains and the sound of birds chirping in the spring. The feel of a cool wind and the twinkle of stars. Nature.

What do you want?
I want to be true to myself and not be scared or embarrassed or shameful to follow that truth. I want to care less about what others think of me and I also want to think less about pleasing others. I mean this in the sense that I often times find myself doing something that goes against my truth because I feel that I need or want to do what others are asking of me in an effort to appease them.

Why are you committed to suffering and sorrow?
I think I've been committed to suffering because it's comfortable and familiar. I know what to expect; pain and disappointment. If I'm still suffering then I know where I am. It's like false roots, but roots just the same. It's an excuse and a reason for why I'm stuck. I also feel that I'm not truly worthy of being happy and fulfilled. I feel like there's nothing to show for my life. If I died tomorrow, there would be no change. Maybe four people would really mourn my death but it would pass quickly and over time I don't know if they'd even feel a loss. I sometimes (a lot) truly feel like I don't matter. I feel like what my self is, is a lot of wasted potential and that too much time has passed for me to really be able to fix that. I feel empty and like I am living very much like a ghost in the house; good for a laugh but never really important enough anywhere to make a difference in any way.
I think another issue is that I have no clue what I want 'to do'. There's many interests and lots of ideas, but not a lot that I'm 110% behind. It's like a lot of the times I feel like a trained mouse running a maze - only thing is I really don't care about the cheese or if I do it's only half-hearted. Sort of like just drifting on the tide. I'm not sure how exactly it would feel to have deep roots or to feel a constant stream of passion for something. I know I want to help people some day, and that's as far as I can see.

What do you do, just for you, that brings you joy? It makes no sense to anyone else, but to you.
I don't really know what I do just for me that brings me joy. There are bits and pieces of things that I do that I feel brings me joy - but there's no big thing that brings a sustained, lasting joy. I'm not sure how to go about discovering what things could possibly bring me sustained joy. 

So there we have it. I'm going to think about these things and hopefully come back in a few days and re-evaluate my thoughts on the situation. But internally, I have to say that over the past three or four days I have felt such a surge of growth internally and for that I am truly grateful. I've heard some say that in our darkest times is when we feel the touch of God the strongest.... and I understand that right now. I hear you deity. I hear you.

Mercury, are you sure you're out of retrograde??

It's a little amusing to me how life can be so up at one moment and down the next. Last night was a wonderful night at the annual 'Dinner & Divination' event at a friend's house. True to how it sounds, it was a great dinner and there were quite a few diviners set up to read for guests. Too bad I wasn't told how confusing and disheartening today would turn out being.

In any case, I know that the things going on in my life are all aspects of a larger test (gotta love these big life lessons) but that doesn't make it any easier to muddle through in the moment. Tests of faith are difficult even in simple times, but when curve-balls seem to be coming in through all aspects of your life it can be difficult to glimpse even the tiniest ray of light in the storm.

So much has changed in my life lately. I moved to a new city, bought a new (aka used old) car, moved to a new job and transferred to a new school. I've also started a new leg in my spiritual journey. All of this is lovely and well and good and exciting; but all of this has also been extremely stressful.

In dealing with this I'm struggling with finding the balance between the old me and this newer, ever-changing, trying to be better me. I firmly believe in the theory that vibrational fields change with your mental, emotional and spiritual energies.

I have moments when I feel this overwhelming rush of rightness, yet how does one transform these random moments into a more substantial, present feeling in everyday life? How does one keep the moments of complete aggravation and frustration from rearing their ugly heads and taking over your emotional self? Shielding is a necessity for certain, but one doesn't always shield with people that they trust and in situations that they feel comfortable. In moments like this is when you often find yourself hurt the most. These vulnerable moments are the biggest trials and often the hardest to recuperate from. These moments are the ones that make me doubt myself the most; makes me doubt the path that I'm walking, and makes me doubt that things will ever change.

Well, fuck that I say. True enough, I will have these moments for the rest of my life. With luck, and a lot of hard work and experience, I hope to train myself to be able to knock these doubts farther and farther from my being. People will come and go, even those that we know as family. With luck a few special people will remain in your life for a long time.... but the truth is that some go their own way. And that's ok; it's how it should be. Situations will come and go. Change is the only constant.

I refuse to let others make me feel less than or guilty or helpless because I am at their mercy. I will keep trying to speak my truth, even though I still catch myself holding back in an attempt to appease the other person or spare their feelings. The truth is the truth, and it is what it is. I have always tried to smooth situations over and in the life that's now over it often resulted in my letting others bully me into the outcome that they wanted. I let them walk on me or talk to me in a way that I neither deserved nor reciprocated. Well, I'm going to do my very best to not let that be the way of this new me.

Vibrations are tampered down and disrupted by our refusal to follow our own truth and allow others to dictate our lives. Perhaps we should set our own frequency more often instead of letting someone else plow through the radio dials.............

Well hello again old friend.

8 years....... It's been a whopping 8 years since I've looked at this site. In truth I'm not sure what brings me back to it now; yet here I am. Reading the words on the page are like looking at some random website or obscure book. I read them. I hear them. They speak to me, still. And it's confusing and humorous in some ways because I know that they came from myself, and yet they feel as if they came from another source completely. In reading them and letting them soak in now, it seems that I was more of my own teacher than I ever realized. Ain't it funny how that works out?

Some things have remained the same. Others have changed beyond belief. And yet some things have come full circle and continue to dance along the spiral of being. I still struggle with the part of myself that wants to control everything it can; this part of me is the worst of my ego. I find that there is much understanding that flows from my mind and yet there is still a disconnect somewhere that interrupts this flow before it can fully be experienced by the soul. It's as if I have a frayed wire in the extension cord that allows just enough juice to get through to power the device, but the link is always disjointed and breaking up so that there's never a strong enough signal. Perhaps this is just my mind's way of trying to control by fear..... I'm not entirely sure and this is why I'm still working on it.

Time is a funny thing. I always thought when I was younger that the old folks were being funny (or senile) when they told me that the older you get the faster time flies. Surely it seemed like it would be the other way around. I was so ignorant HAH! Time does indeed move faster. I read or saw something at some point years ago that explained why older people felt the passing of time more than the young. It was a theory that dealt with how older people had more stress and that the biological internal clock slowed down with age, making a more pronounced difference with the speed of external time. I don't know what it is.... I simply know that it is.

With that said, I'm not sure how often I'll get back here. I'd like to say that I will come often. I'm going to use this more as a personal journal and not worry about who sees it or how it's perceived. As always, I welcome those who want to share differing or shared perceptions and thoughts. This is, by far, the best way I learn. :)

Mindtrap Indeed

It is so amazing to me that it's been two years since I've posted here. Well, almost. So much has been going on... honestly it's hard to comprehend just how much.

I have to admit though that when going back and reading these older posts, I can see where I was in the midst of journeying through major chaos. (Chaos is a good thing in many ways.... of course, you only learn that after it's settled down somewhat.) I suppose now that it actually began a little sooner than that, sometime around early 2003, but it never really calmed down until early 2005. What to say about it.......... my gods it was an unpleasant journey. I had always thought that I had done the 'soul searching' thing before but I was wrong. Oh, was I wrong.

Chaos.... It hits you hard and fast like a ton of bricks and you find yourself trying to crawl through the destruction with what feels like your bare hands and a plastic fork as your only tools. It was so hard to come through to the other side. And most assuredly there is more chaos to come; I realize this and accept it. But I do feel like I crossed something, some boundary or level that it was time to cross. I learned a lot about many things. I learned to value chaos and not to hate or fear it... there are reasons for everything and there can be no creation or re-creation without it. I learned more of who I am; or rather I removed some of the blinders. It was a major gut check. It strengthened many of my core beliefs and shattered just as many. So I'm glad for the past years and of the visit from the master of trickery (haha). He's by far one of the greatest teachers I've ever had; and yes, the teacher was there all the time... I just didn't see him.

So anyways, moving on. What am I up to now? Well in a lot of ways I'm still studying the same things and asking the same questions. I am STILL fascinated with quantum physics and energy, and I have a better understanding of a lot of it. If you are AT ALL interested in these things (energy, q. physics, reality, addictions, etc) then you must must must rent, borrow, or buy a copy of the dvd "What the Bleep do We Know?". It is most excellent and every time I watch it I come up with more questions and answers. Great stuff. Also a great companion book out by the same people called the same thing.

I have reconciled with my soul-sister. (There's really no other way to describe our relationship. That's the best I can do.) We were told once that we were each other's mirror image... which is still something that we are working on figuring out. But like everyone we had a variety of issues that made the distance between us great; some of which was put there for a reason, I think, that was beyond our control. She went through her own time of chaos and in the end we both came out with more understanding of what and why we are walking this path. So we are still working together on spiritual levels. Although now I admit we spend a lot of time questioning reality together and are about to start working with energy seriously. (Beware!! HAHA)

Yes, I still am very much into the metaphysical and occult aspects of things. It's hard to explain why exactly, other than to say that these 'systems' are closer to what I feel is truth than anything I've run across. Now I'm not speaking of any religious path. (I've shared some of my views on religions before.... they really haven't changed much.) I am speaking of the systems of viewing the world, reality, energy, spirit, etc. Everything feels so much simpler than we make it out to be. It reminds me of those wooden children toys that any small child can figure out in minutes, without even having to work at it. But the adults take hours and hours trying to get it right; studying the possibilities - the outcomes - second guessing each move before it's made. Why do we complicate things so much?? It aggravates me to no end.

I received an email the other day from a fellow who had stumbled on this blog and felt some connection to it. I appreciate that; I honestly hadn't thought about it when things went spiraling out of control and that email made me aware that there still might be someone out there who is interested in the same things and that it would be nice to get back to this one from time to time.

Thanks!! And yeah, I still feel odd about being almost 29 now. I say that and even knowing it feels odd. It doesn't feel right; I feel so much older. In a way it's strange because there's almost a separation that I feel now and I wonder if that's why I had always felt that I would die young. There are two sides to me that are seeming to pull apart from each other; the 'body' side and the 'spiritual' side. I don't know why this is happening but it is and it's not a bad feeling. We'll see what comes of it.

I should really shut up now, I still blather blather away. hehe. Sorry. If anyone is still out there please drop me an email or a comment, I would LOVE hearing from you. What are you guys out there experiencing/thinking/working on? Any philosophical thoughts you wanna throw out? Maybe we can share perceptions and come to some new awarenesses. Give it a shot. In the mean time, happy new year.

Straining to Understand

It's been another one of those nights. You know the kind I mean. The ones when some stray thought sends you off on a wild tangent and eventually you end up coming across things that make your brain want to scream.



It's a good thing. I like the feeling. No, I lie..... I LOVE that feeling. At the same time though, it's a love/hate relationship. Why hate you ask? *sigh* I'm not sure really. I get frustrated so easily.... there's so much that I have this strong desire to learn. Where does one start? There is no clear beginning. I'm not sure if there should be one. (In the sense that I'm sure I've already begun although I don't realize it yet.) And yes, I admit... I long to have a teacher finally come along. Now no, I'm not talking about someone like Charlie Manson. LOL! I want someone who simply will ask me the questions and make me think on my own. But who will also lead me in a direction that helps me find the path I'm meant to be on. I guess when I think of it, I think of something similar to a tribal elder if you will (like from Native American ways). They say if you ask for a teacher and you're ready, one will come. And I know that most of the time they'll be there long before you realize it, and it always seems to be the most unusual source. In truth, we are all each other's teachers...... Bah, I'll leave that thought alone.



In any case, I added some new links tonight. Found a few good ones that I hope someone will enjoy. I also found a few sites that deal heavily with demonology and the occult. I hesitate to put them up here however, you know what kind of religious fanatics are out there! All I need is to start getting hate mail from "Christ loves you but I want to rip out your liver" type people. Heh, that reminds me..... I watched "The Seventh Sign" for about the hundredth time tonight. Gotta love that movie. And I'm not being heartless, but it DOES make me giggle everytime I see Demi Moore pull her butcher knife on Jesus. I'm just thinking..... ya know THAT shit would be exactly what would go down if there was/is a Jesus and he did come back. At the same time, the thought of an immortal/divine presence being held at knife point just makes me giggle. I'm weird, go figure. Excellent movie though, even if you're not christian *which I'm not* but have an interest in anything religious.



Other movies that I enjoy?? Well, in truth anything that deals with religion, the occult, psi phenomenon, and basically anything just 'weird'. Oh and vampires. Gotta love vampires. Ok so here's some of my faves (not including LOTR and vampire flicks, b/c that would take forever):

Prophecy (parts 1, 2, & 3.... altho 3 is my fave.) - the ones with Christopher Walken. For those of you who've never seen these........ RENT THEM! They're about the war btwn angels. Viggo plays Lucifer, and can I just say made an EXCELLENT one.

The 13th Warrior (Norse type mythology... oh and Dennis Storhoi is the added bonus. On a sidenote, he looks exactly in that movie as what I picture Loki looking like. heh)

Clash of the Titans (It's a classic.........)

The Seventh Sign (Jesus is back and he is PISSED!)

Stigmata (A non-believer is inflicted with stigmata and a priest investigates.)

The Omen (all parts. Again..... another classic.)

The Exorcist (I've only seen part one but OMG was it great!)

End of Days (See my Ahnold post on Lovebuds. hehe. Kind of interesting occult ties.)

Dogma (Sorta goofy film.... But it's worth it just to see Alan Rickman as the voice of god)

Dune (The original one. Great movie, if not long. But I loved it.)

Harry Potter (All of 'em. I'm glad to see something that *may* let children know that people involved in 'magic' aren't 'evil' as most religions would like them to think.)

Hearts In Atlantis (Story of a man trying to escape from the government's psychic research thingy.)

Little Nicky (Yeah stupid but "Papa Lucifer" gettin together with Tithead is well worth watching.)

Ugh there are so many more. Mostly anything dealing with strange themes intrigue me. I love movies like "The Body" and "The Skulls" that deal with secret societies and the coverups thereof. If you know of a good one please let me know! I'm always on the look out.

Rain Down

"Yet mystery and imagination arise from the same source.

This source is called darkness. . . .

Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all understanding." -Lao-tsu



Someone told me once that they thought I was bi-polar. Someone told me once that they thought I was crazy. I suppose both are probably true.



There are some of us who understand darkness. Well, let me rephrase that. We may not understand darkness, but we feel at home in it. We are the ones they call freaks, outsiders, weirdos. I don't mean literal darkness, as in the night... Although that usually feels more natural to us as well. I am speaking of figurative darkness. I won't try to explain any farther, because it is not easily described. I'll suffice in knowing that those in this place will completely understand what I'm saying.



Let me say this though, there are different types of darkness. There are definite places where one is not safe to be. Sometimes it can be intoxicating, and you fall so hard and fast that to those not able to handle it, it becomes like a jailer. There is a difference, a very fine line between darkness and depression, much like the thin line between genius and insanity. One never experiences the one without tip-toeing into the other.



It is important to be positive in your life. In truth, what you send out into the cosmos will most definitely return to you in time. I'm not trying to argue that point. But there is also a balance that one must maintain. Like the yin yang, you cannot have one without the other. They are the perfect symbiotic energies. I think it's a mistake to discount and try to 'push away' the darkness. Without embracing the darkness completely you cannot experience the light. Of course, that's simply my opinion.



I am in a moment of that darkness now. I feel changed when I'm in this state, but I like it. I just have to be careful. In any case, I only feel moved to write when I'm here. So I'm going to share it with you.



Puddles

There are times like this; dark times,

When the tiredness quietly crawls back into me,

My thoughts collect like puddles in a storm.

And the restlessness peeps its head out to play.



It’s in these moments when I feel the weight of my existence,

The centuries and eons that have climbed upon my back.

There are memories that exist just outside of my understanding,

And the blood in my veins feels thick and sluggish like sand.



How I wish now that I could glimpse something of the truth,

Some tiny thing that may explain what it is I hold inside.

At times I feel as if I’m hollow; some empty cavern

That was left behind when the creature left the nest.



Then there are moments when I walk as if in a dream,

And I wander at the layers upon layers in which I’m embedded.

Always I feel that I do not belong here; something is wrong.

Too long have I questioned myself for rhyme or reason.



There are never any answers to be found.

I sink farther and farther down into my wasteland.

It is not a bad place,

I am more at home here than I’ve ever been.



It’s not that I’m drowning in depression,

It’s that I feel the darkness inside of myself.

The chaos, the part deep down that drives me to move on…

It is where my spirit dwells.



I suppose everyone thinks this to be a bad place,

I cannot show it to them, so they cannot know.

I do not feel afraid to be here, it is home.

My heart feels at peace in this place.



Wrapped up like a newborn babe,

My beginning was here, in my infancy I was led away,

For whatever reason. And now I cannot return.

I wonder if I am missed, does emotion even exist in that world?



It seems to me that in this place, one is never missed.

When you are there, you are free.

The world is inside of you; you are never alone.

All is one. One is all. Connected. Completed. Safe.



And so I close my eyes.

Straining to remember what my peace was like.

Feeling somewhat lost and abandoned.

I am but one tiny star in the sky.



How many times have I asked for guidance?

To be shown only the path

That may lead me closer to this goal

Of returning to where I’m meant to be.



Perhaps they have given up hope,

So long has it been that I’ve been away.

Yet they are wise, and they are patient.

I hear their voices carry across my mind.



Always there, just out of reach.

I’m sure now that they watch me.

This time and this place has warped their truth,

And I have been trapped by a false fear.



To them I must be like a soft wind

That blows across their face.

They feel me, as I feel them.

Tugging gently at each other’s memory.



Somehow, in some way…

I know that they are there, the others, listening for my return.

Wait for me, my family.

I am coming home.

Roads Into Nothing

It's been a little while, but here I am again. I don't know if anyone is out there reading this or not, and in truth I really don't care either way. I hope someone stumbles onto it and finds something interesting, but I'm still content with just spilling my thoughts as a service to myself. It would be wonderful one day to get an email from someone who is into the whole 3d Mindtrap experience and wants to chat. What is the 3d mindtrap experience?

 

Well to be honest, when I chose a name for this blog I really just pulled it out of the air. I didn't have an explanation for it, or why I chose it.... other than I knew I wanted it to be a place where I could spit my random thoughts and one day look back to see what I've learned or thought about. Yes, I know I have a main blog (Lovebuds), but I share that with a friend, and well.... she's not really into my freaky mind rambles. So now you know why 3d mindtrap exists. When I started this blog, I was just feeling the gentle 'tug' at the insides of my being that eventually led me to quantum physics. Something has been telling me for a while now that I need to start learning about energy. Heh, for those of you wondering... yep I'm another one of those wacko metaphysical people. But that's ok! I enjoy it. And in truth I think it's unfair to limit myself or try and live by a label. I believe in nothing, and everything. It depends on how you phrase the question.

 

The more I've been reading and learning though about different theories, the more I realize that the 3d mindtrap name wasn't a mistake or some random thing. The more I think and slosh ideas around in my head, the more I realize that we are really trapped. We are trapped in how gullible and complacent we all have become. In our little heads, we have stopped trying to discover and learn from what is around us and have simply come to the conclusion that it's either too hard or unnecessary to learn. We don't need it anymore. We need cars, nice houses, computers, vacations, toys, awards, social status, money, jewelry, fancy jobs, and the desire to be better than everyone else around us. It's always been my thought that the more technologically advanced we are, the less spiritual we become. It's a sticky situation, because while we find ourselves being able to do more in our modern world, we also find ourselves becoming less and less able to tap into our own divine nature. So the 3d mindtrap experience, I've decided, is the effort to break free of the little traps that we've created for ourselves and be actively, consciously involved in the greater picture.

 

Now I'm sure some out there are saying, "So, what do we need to tap into that for anyway?" I suppose some have absolutely no desire in it whatsoever, and that's fine for them. I'm a firm believer in to each their own. I can't say there is a definite why someone should want to do it. At times I feel that there is a very definite reason as to why we're all here, and that we all have certain things to learn and to do. Then there are times when I simply think that we just are, without rhyme or reason and that there really is no big question to be answered. That we simply exist and that we should just live in the moment and not ask why, how or what we're supposed to be doing. The truth of things, I'm sure, probably lies somewhere in between the two.

 

I'm not sure why I'm here now, instead of floating as some loose body of energy vibrations that shifts continuously in a slippery web of being. On some level perhaps that's exactly what I am doing, only without realizing it. I have always felt that one of the main lessons I was to learn in this life was that of humility. This I have accomplished hands down, and I also know that another lesson was to learn to overcome myself. You read right...... overcome myself. To hit rock bottom and loathe what and who you are, and then come back and learn to trust and love in yourself. That I'm still working on.

 

In reading further in the 4th Dimension book, I find myself thinking about ideas that it throws out there. I'll admit that parts of the book (mainly those dealing with math or equations) I still don't quite understand. But for the most part it all makes sense to me. What catches me the most is how the book talks about different dimensions and how they are existing around each other all the time, and how we can't even see it. When I was young I had no clue what dimensions were, I had just called them 'planes of existence'. I knew that different 'planes of existence' existed all around us, but I also never knew that there was anyone out there who agreed with me, much less great scientific minds!

 

You see, I'm hoping someone out there can help me with something. It's hard for me to admit, because those of you out there who may be reading this will probably chalk me up as some nutjob. That's alright though, I need to learn not to worry about what people think of me anyway. So here goes.... I've known for a long time that the reason I can't 'see' things is because I have a fear of being able to. You see, I had an experience when I was around 13 that really shook me. It actually ended up giving me a heavy duty phobia for about 8 years. No I won't go into detail as to what happened, but let's just say it was weird and I had no clue what it was. Now I know what it was, and we'll just say that it was somewhat like a spirit sighting. Or seeing a ghost, only different. Ok.... now...... I was 'closed' for a long time. For those of you who don't believe in any metaphysical type 'mumbo jumbo', skip the rest of this. LOL. For those of you who realize that there are other things going on.... you'll understand what I'm saying. I've known for a long time that I'm stuck at this spot. I eventually overcame my phobia (although it still kicks in from time to time), and I gradually learned to distinguish my intuitions and follow them. Sometimes I can feel things, and sometimes I have those dreams in which you know you've tapped into something more than just a dream. I know that I could go further, that I could have the ability to be even more sensitive to the things around me. The problem is fear. I'm scared to death of that first initial time that I 'see' something or someone. When I lie in bed at night I have to face the wall and I have to be curled in cover. I'm not scared of the dark; I'm scared of turning over or opening my eyes and seeing someone or something standing there. Be it a person, a spirit, a ghost, whatever.

 

So I'm stuck at this point. I KNOW that spirits or ghosts are simply beings on other dimensions that sometimes can 'cross over' or gain access to our 'plane of existence'. I also believe that these beings that are made of energy have the ability to shape that energy into anything they like, which sometimes gives the illusion to people of them being 'animal-like', or strange looking. It's all about how that energy wishes for that person to perceive them, and also some depends on how that person chooses to perceive them. I don't think that any of these things are going to hurt me or anything, and that's not the fear that I have. My fear is the shock of the thing itself, the actual seeing. So how does one get past this fear? If I can do it, I know that the door will open and I will be better able to find my road to enlightenment. I feel like I'm cheating myself, because I know what I have to do now... I just simply don't know how to do it. It's like being a world-class runner and having agoraphobia when the Olympics come around. You have the drive, the desire, the ability to do it...... but there's this one obstacle that you just can't handle.

 

So for anyone with any experience in these things, I'd love to hear your ideas. Someone once suggested getting hypnotized and having my subconscious told that it was ok to see things, but I have neither the money or access to do that. I would do it though, if I was able.

 

I think that for me, being able to 'see' is a key step in breaking out of the 3d mindtrap that we find ourselves in. I don't have any answers as to why I should, or what good it will do. But I know that something inside tells me that it's something I need to do, and I've learned that those feelings you have inside are there for a reason. Intuition is truly what makes us ALL divine in nature. So I look forward to hearing from someone soon. And if I don't, then I'll just keep stumbling along until hit the right road.