Insomniac!

It's funny you know..... How often it is that I can't sleep and I sit up thinking about things. I guess a lot of people with insomnia watch television or chat on the internet; I sit up and look over sites about alternate realities and theories of quantum physics. Don't get me wrong, I am nowhere close to understanding physics. Well most of it anyway. But there's something about quantum physics that keeps pulling me to read about it. I guess I've always had what other people considered really 'weird' beliefs about things. It just seems like that finally there are others out there, supposed "brilliant minds" who have actually come up with theories that are somewhat similar to my beliefs and it blows my mind. It's hard to find a place to start when you're wanting to share your ideas and your beliefs about everything. It's like trying to describe the world in a word. You know what you feel on the inside and it makes sense to you, even if you don't quite understand how it makes sense. There are so many things that I find myself interested in and there are so many things that I would like to do or experience. Yet here I sit; 26 years old with no college education, no job and no possible idea what I'm supposed to do in this life. I feel like there's something I'm supposed to be doing, but I don't know what it is. I keep feeling like I'm wasting this life. And I know that everything could change in a split second if I could only just accept that I have the power to change it and did it. The subconscious mind is a strange and stubborn thing I think. I KNOW without a doubt that certain things are true. I feel it in every fiber of my being; and yet for some unknown reason my subconscious mind won't accept it. There must be a reason for this. It's a test, I know. I keep thinking about what is always said - "If you ask for a teacher and are ready to accept the teachings then one will find you." I've asked, trust me I've asked. And I think I'm ready to learn. When then, will this teacher appear? Has he/she/it already come and I'm just blind and ignorant to the lessons being shown? Am I just too damn stubborn? My thoughts change constantly from day to day. I yearn for someone to talk to about all this stuff going through my brain. Someone who won't judge me; who doesn't think I'm crazy. Someone who understands what I'm trying to say and is just willing to listen. Most of all I'd like someone to help me find the answers. I don't want to be given the answers, I know that isn't the right way. I just wish I could have some guidance. I don't want them to tell me the story; I want to be taught the language so I can read it for myself.



Everything is so much bigger than what we see. Sometimes I think that our vision is our biggest setback. No, strike that.... Not our vision. I'm pretty sure that we see everything pretty darn close to how it actually is. Our brain and the way it interprets things is our setback. The way we've been 'brainwashed' and taught what to experience and what not to. What does an infant or an animal experience? Those who haven't been shaped and molded into what others want them to be. Do they see the truth of things?



I know that all of this is an illusion. Like a giant movie that goes on and on. Reality doesn't exist. Everything that we see or think we know is just something that another being dreamed up. I think about the big things that move on in this world; religion, society, fears, dreams, life, death. It makes me so angry sometimes. It's like I can see through a transparent layer of skin and make out shadows of the truth but they shift away when I really try to make things out. I don't understand the purpose of my searching. Take religion for example. I find some things in many religions that feel 'accurate' and there are many things that don't feel completely right to me. What's the purpose of religion? In my mind people use it for many reasons. For many it's a way to have power over others, to feel important. For many it's something that helps them control their fears and gives them hope. But what really is the purpose? All of the stories and holy scripts and teachings. Is it really trying to lead us to something or is it just simply something to fill up empty space that we find in ourselves while we're in this 'life'. Nothing makes sense anymore to me when I think in the 'big picture'. Everything has an equal opposite they say. If I am alive then I am dead. While this is 'reality' it is also illusion. While I think I'm awake I'm really dreaming. While I have no power I have complete power. While I am nothing I am everything. The inside is also the outside. Always in constant motion, because there is no beginning and there is no end. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of some big epiphany; that there's something just out of reach that I can almost grab. I guess it's not happening anytime soon though, so I think I'm going to finish this for now and snake through some more websites and hope that I'm not the only oddball out there.