Mindtrap Indeed

It is so amazing to me that it's been two years since I've posted here. Well, almost. So much has been going on... honestly it's hard to comprehend just how much.

I have to admit though that when going back and reading these older posts, I can see where I was in the midst of journeying through major chaos. (Chaos is a good thing in many ways.... of course, you only learn that after it's settled down somewhat.) I suppose now that it actually began a little sooner than that, sometime around early 2003, but it never really calmed down until early 2005. What to say about it.......... my gods it was an unpleasant journey. I had always thought that I had done the 'soul searching' thing before but I was wrong. Oh, was I wrong.

Chaos.... It hits you hard and fast like a ton of bricks and you find yourself trying to crawl through the destruction with what feels like your bare hands and a plastic fork as your only tools. It was so hard to come through to the other side. And most assuredly there is more chaos to come; I realize this and accept it. But I do feel like I crossed something, some boundary or level that it was time to cross. I learned a lot about many things. I learned to value chaos and not to hate or fear it... there are reasons for everything and there can be no creation or re-creation without it. I learned more of who I am; or rather I removed some of the blinders. It was a major gut check. It strengthened many of my core beliefs and shattered just as many. So I'm glad for the past years and of the visit from the master of trickery (haha). He's by far one of the greatest teachers I've ever had; and yes, the teacher was there all the time... I just didn't see him.

So anyways, moving on. What am I up to now? Well in a lot of ways I'm still studying the same things and asking the same questions. I am STILL fascinated with quantum physics and energy, and I have a better understanding of a lot of it. If you are AT ALL interested in these things (energy, q. physics, reality, addictions, etc) then you must must must rent, borrow, or buy a copy of the dvd "What the Bleep do We Know?". It is most excellent and every time I watch it I come up with more questions and answers. Great stuff. Also a great companion book out by the same people called the same thing.

I have reconciled with my soul-sister. (There's really no other way to describe our relationship. That's the best I can do.) We were told once that we were each other's mirror image... which is still something that we are working on figuring out. But like everyone we had a variety of issues that made the distance between us great; some of which was put there for a reason, I think, that was beyond our control. She went through her own time of chaos and in the end we both came out with more understanding of what and why we are walking this path. So we are still working together on spiritual levels. Although now I admit we spend a lot of time questioning reality together and are about to start working with energy seriously. (Beware!! HAHA)

Yes, I still am very much into the metaphysical and occult aspects of things. It's hard to explain why exactly, other than to say that these 'systems' are closer to what I feel is truth than anything I've run across. Now I'm not speaking of any religious path. (I've shared some of my views on religions before.... they really haven't changed much.) I am speaking of the systems of viewing the world, reality, energy, spirit, etc. Everything feels so much simpler than we make it out to be. It reminds me of those wooden children toys that any small child can figure out in minutes, without even having to work at it. But the adults take hours and hours trying to get it right; studying the possibilities - the outcomes - second guessing each move before it's made. Why do we complicate things so much?? It aggravates me to no end.

I received an email the other day from a fellow who had stumbled on this blog and felt some connection to it. I appreciate that; I honestly hadn't thought about it when things went spiraling out of control and that email made me aware that there still might be someone out there who is interested in the same things and that it would be nice to get back to this one from time to time.

Thanks!! And yeah, I still feel odd about being almost 29 now. I say that and even knowing it feels odd. It doesn't feel right; I feel so much older. In a way it's strange because there's almost a separation that I feel now and I wonder if that's why I had always felt that I would die young. There are two sides to me that are seeming to pull apart from each other; the 'body' side and the 'spiritual' side. I don't know why this is happening but it is and it's not a bad feeling. We'll see what comes of it.

I should really shut up now, I still blather blather away. hehe. Sorry. If anyone is still out there please drop me an email or a comment, I would LOVE hearing from you. What are you guys out there experiencing/thinking/working on? Any philosophical thoughts you wanna throw out? Maybe we can share perceptions and come to some new awarenesses. Give it a shot. In the mean time, happy new year.

Straining to Understand

It's been another one of those nights. You know the kind I mean. The ones when some stray thought sends you off on a wild tangent and eventually you end up coming across things that make your brain want to scream.

It's a good thing. I like the feeling. No, I lie..... I LOVE that feeling. At the same time though, it's a love/hate relationship. Why hate you ask? *sigh* I'm not sure really. I get frustrated so easily.... there's so much that I have this strong desire to learn. Where does one start? There is no clear beginning. I'm not sure if there should be one. (In the sense that I'm sure I've already begun although I don't realize it yet.) And yes, I admit... I long to have a teacher finally come along. Now no, I'm not talking about someone like Charlie Manson. LOL! I want someone who simply will ask me the questions and make me think on my own. But who will also lead me in a direction that helps me find the path I'm meant to be on. I guess when I think of it, I think of something similar to a tribal elder if you will (like from Native American ways). They say if you ask for a teacher and you're ready, one will come. And I know that most of the time they'll be there long before you realize it, and it always seems to be the most unusual source. In truth, we are all each other's teachers...... Bah, I'll leave that thought alone.

In any case, I added some new links tonight. Found a few good ones that I hope someone will enjoy. I also found a few sites that deal heavily with demonology and the occult. I hesitate to put them up here however, you know what kind of religious fanatics are out there! All I need is to start getting hate mail from "Christ loves you but I want to rip out your liver" type people. Heh, that reminds me..... I watched "The Seventh Sign" for about the hundredth time tonight. Gotta love that movie. And I'm not being heartless, but it DOES make me giggle everytime I see Demi Moore pull her butcher knife on Jesus. I'm just thinking..... ya know THAT shit would be exactly what would go down if there was/is a Jesus and he did come back. At the same time, the thought of an immortal/divine presence being held at knife point just makes me giggle. I'm weird, go figure. Excellent movie though, even if you're not christian *which I'm not* but have an interest in anything religious.

Other movies that I enjoy?? Well, in truth anything that deals with religion, the occult, psi phenomenon, and basically anything just 'weird'. Oh and vampires. Gotta love vampires. Ok so here's some of my faves (not including LOTR and vampire flicks, b/c that would take forever):

Prophecy (parts 1, 2, & 3.... altho 3 is my fave.) - the ones with Christopher Walken. For those of you who've never seen these........ RENT THEM! They're about the war btwn angels. Viggo plays Lucifer, and can I just say made an EXCELLENT one.

The 13th Warrior (Norse type mythology... oh and Dennis Storhoi is the added bonus. On a sidenote, he looks exactly in that movie as what I picture Loki looking like. heh)

Clash of the Titans (It's a classic.........)

The Seventh Sign (Jesus is back and he is PISSED!)

Stigmata (A non-believer is inflicted with stigmata and a priest investigates.)

The Omen (all parts. Again..... another classic.)

The Exorcist (I've only seen part one but OMG was it great!)

End of Days (See my Ahnold post on Lovebuds. hehe. Kind of interesting occult ties.)

Dogma (Sorta goofy film.... But it's worth it just to see Alan Rickman as the voice of god)

Dune (The original one. Great movie, if not long. But I loved it.)

Harry Potter (All of 'em. I'm glad to see something that *may* let children know that people involved in 'magic' aren't 'evil' as most religions would like them to think.)

Hearts In Atlantis (Story of a man trying to escape from the government's psychic research thingy.)

Little Nicky (Yeah stupid but "Papa Lucifer" gettin together with Tithead is well worth watching.)

Ugh there are so many more. Mostly anything dealing with strange themes intrigue me. I love movies like "The Body" and "The Skulls" that deal with secret societies and the coverups thereof. If you know of a good one please let me know! I'm always on the look out.

Rain Down

"Yet mystery and imagination arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness. . . .
Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all understanding." -Lao-tsu

Someone told me once that they thought I was bi-polar. Someone told me once that they thought I was crazy. I suppose both are probably true.

There are some of us who understand darkness. Well, let me rephrase that. We may not understand darkness, but we feel at home in it. We are the ones they call freaks, outsiders, weirdos. I don't mean literal darkness, as in the night... Although that usually feels more natural to us as well. I am speaking of figurative darkness. I won't try to explain any farther, because it is not easily described. I'll suffice in knowing that those in this place will completely understand what I'm saying.

Let me say this though, there are different types of darkness. There are definite places where one is not safe to be. Sometimes it can be intoxicating, and you fall so hard and fast that to those not able to handle it, it becomes like a jailer. There is a difference, a very fine line between darkness and depression, much like the thin line between genius and insanity. One never experiences the one without tip-toeing into the other.

It is important to be positive in your life. In truth, what you send out into the cosmos will most definitely return to you in time. I'm not trying to argue that point. But there is also a balance that one must maintain. Like the yin yang, you cannot have one without the other. They are the perfect symbiotic energies. I think it's a mistake to discount and try to 'push away' the darkness. Without embracing the darkness completely you cannot experience the light. Of course, that's simply my opinion.

I am in a moment of that darkness now. I feel changed when I'm in this state, but I like it. I just have to be careful. In any case, I only feel moved to write when I'm here. So I'm going to share it with you.

Puddles
There are times like this; dark times,
When the tiredness quietly crawls back into me,
My thoughts collect like puddles in a storm.
And the restlessness peeps its head out to play.

It’s in these moments when I feel the weight of my existence,
The centuries and eons that have climbed upon my back.
There are memories that exist just outside of my understanding,
And the blood in my veins feels thick and sluggish like sand.

How I wish now that I could glimpse something of the truth,
Some tiny thing that may explain what it is I hold inside.
At times I feel as if I’m hollow; some empty cavern
That was left behind when the creature left the nest.

Then there are moments when I walk as if in a dream,
And I wander at the layers upon layers in which I’m embedded.
Always I feel that I do not belong here; something is wrong.
Too long have I questioned myself for rhyme or reason.

There are never any answers to be found.
I sink farther and farther down into my wasteland.
It is not a bad place,
I am more at home here than I’ve ever been.

It’s not that I’m drowning in depression,
It’s that I feel the darkness inside of myself.
The chaos, the part deep down that drives me to move on…
It is where my spirit dwells.

I suppose everyone thinks this to be a bad place,
I cannot show it to them, so they cannot know.
I do not feel afraid to be here, it is home.
My heart feels at peace in this place.

Wrapped up like a newborn babe,
My beginning was here, in my infancy I was led away,
For whatever reason. And now I cannot return.
I wonder if I am missed, does emotion even exist in that world?

It seems to me that in this place, one is never missed.
When you are there, you are free.
The world is inside of you; you are never alone.
All is one. One is all. Connected. Completed. Safe.

And so I close my eyes.
Straining to remember what my peace was like.
Feeling somewhat lost and abandoned.
I am but one tiny star in the sky.

How many times have I asked for guidance?
To be shown only the path
That may lead me closer to this goal
Of returning to where I’m meant to be.

Perhaps they have given up hope,
So long has it been that I’ve been away.
Yet they are wise, and they are patient.
I hear their voices carry across my mind.

Always there, just out of reach.
I’m sure now that they watch me.
This time and this place has warped their truth,
And I have been trapped by a false fear.

To them I must be like a soft wind
That blows across their face.
They feel me, as I feel them.
Tugging gently at each other’s memory.

Somehow, in some way…
I know that they are there, the others, listening for my return.
Wait for me, my family.
I am coming home.

Roads Into Nothing

It's been a little while, but here I am again. I don't know if anyone is out there reading this or not, and in truth I really don't care either way. I hope someone stumbles onto it and finds something interesting, but I'm still content with just spilling my thoughts as a service to myself. It would be wonderful one day to get an email from someone who is into the whole 3d Mindtrap experience and wants to chat. What is the 3d mindtrap experience?

 

Well to be honest, when I chose a name for this blog I really just pulled it out of the air. I didn't have an explanation for it, or why I chose it.... other than I knew I wanted it to be a place where I could spit my random thoughts and one day look back to see what I've learned or thought about. Yes, I know I have a main blog (Lovebuds), but I share that with a friend, and well.... she's not really into my freaky mind rambles. So now you know why 3d mindtrap exists. When I started this blog, I was just feeling the gentle 'tug' at the insides of my being that eventually led me to quantum physics. Something has been telling me for a while now that I need to start learning about energy. Heh, for those of you wondering... yep I'm another one of those wacko metaphysical people. But that's ok! I enjoy it. And in truth I think it's unfair to limit myself or try and live by a label. I believe in nothing, and everything. It depends on how you phrase the question.

 

The more I've been reading and learning though about different theories, the more I realize that the 3d mindtrap name wasn't a mistake or some random thing. The more I think and slosh ideas around in my head, the more I realize that we are really trapped. We are trapped in how gullible and complacent we all have become. In our little heads, we have stopped trying to discover and learn from what is around us and have simply come to the conclusion that it's either too hard or unnecessary to learn. We don't need it anymore. We need cars, nice houses, computers, vacations, toys, awards, social status, money, jewelry, fancy jobs, and the desire to be better than everyone else around us. It's always been my thought that the more technologically advanced we are, the less spiritual we become. It's a sticky situation, because while we find ourselves being able to do more in our modern world, we also find ourselves becoming less and less able to tap into our own divine nature. So the 3d mindtrap experience, I've decided, is the effort to break free of the little traps that we've created for ourselves and be actively, consciously involved in the greater picture.

 

Now I'm sure some out there are saying, "So, what do we need to tap into that for anyway?" I suppose some have absolutely no desire in it whatsoever, and that's fine for them. I'm a firm believer in to each their own. I can't say there is a definite why someone should want to do it. At times I feel that there is a very definite reason as to why we're all here, and that we all have certain things to learn and to do. Then there are times when I simply think that we just are, without rhyme or reason and that there really is no big question to be answered. That we simply exist and that we should just live in the moment and not ask why, how or what we're supposed to be doing. The truth of things, I'm sure, probably lies somewhere in between the two.

 

I'm not sure why I'm here now, instead of floating as some loose body of energy vibrations that shifts continuously in a slippery web of being. On some level perhaps that's exactly what I am doing, only without realizing it. I have always felt that one of the main lessons I was to learn in this life was that of humility. This I have accomplished hands down, and I also know that another lesson was to learn to overcome myself. You read right...... overcome myself. To hit rock bottom and loathe what and who you are, and then come back and learn to trust and love in yourself. That I'm still working on.

 

In reading further in the 4th Dimension book, I find myself thinking about ideas that it throws out there. I'll admit that parts of the book (mainly those dealing with math or equations) I still don't quite understand. But for the most part it all makes sense to me. What catches me the most is how the book talks about different dimensions and how they are existing around each other all the time, and how we can't even see it. When I was young I had no clue what dimensions were, I had just called them 'planes of existence'. I knew that different 'planes of existence' existed all around us, but I also never knew that there was anyone out there who agreed with me, much less great scientific minds!

 

You see, I'm hoping someone out there can help me with something. It's hard for me to admit, because those of you out there who may be reading this will probably chalk me up as some nutjob. That's alright though, I need to learn not to worry about what people think of me anyway. So here goes.... I've known for a long time that the reason I can't 'see' things is because I have a fear of being able to. You see, I had an experience when I was around 13 that really shook me. It actually ended up giving me a heavy duty phobia for about 8 years. No I won't go into detail as to what happened, but let's just say it was weird and I had no clue what it was. Now I know what it was, and we'll just say that it was somewhat like a spirit sighting. Or seeing a ghost, only different. Ok.... now...... I was 'closed' for a long time. For those of you who don't believe in any metaphysical type 'mumbo jumbo', skip the rest of this. LOL. For those of you who realize that there are other things going on.... you'll understand what I'm saying. I've known for a long time that I'm stuck at this spot. I eventually overcame my phobia (although it still kicks in from time to time), and I gradually learned to distinguish my intuitions and follow them. Sometimes I can feel things, and sometimes I have those dreams in which you know you've tapped into something more than just a dream. I know that I could go further, that I could have the ability to be even more sensitive to the things around me. The problem is fear. I'm scared to death of that first initial time that I 'see' something or someone. When I lie in bed at night I have to face the wall and I have to be curled in cover. I'm not scared of the dark; I'm scared of turning over or opening my eyes and seeing someone or something standing there. Be it a person, a spirit, a ghost, whatever.

 

So I'm stuck at this point. I KNOW that spirits or ghosts are simply beings on other dimensions that sometimes can 'cross over' or gain access to our 'plane of existence'. I also believe that these beings that are made of energy have the ability to shape that energy into anything they like, which sometimes gives the illusion to people of them being 'animal-like', or strange looking. It's all about how that energy wishes for that person to perceive them, and also some depends on how that person chooses to perceive them. I don't think that any of these things are going to hurt me or anything, and that's not the fear that I have. My fear is the shock of the thing itself, the actual seeing. So how does one get past this fear? If I can do it, I know that the door will open and I will be better able to find my road to enlightenment. I feel like I'm cheating myself, because I know what I have to do now... I just simply don't know how to do it. It's like being a world-class runner and having agoraphobia when the Olympics come around. You have the drive, the desire, the ability to do it...... but there's this one obstacle that you just can't handle.

 

So for anyone with any experience in these things, I'd love to hear your ideas. Someone once suggested getting hypnotized and having my subconscious told that it was ok to see things, but I have neither the money or access to do that. I would do it though, if I was able.

 

I think that for me, being able to 'see' is a key step in breaking out of the 3d mindtrap that we find ourselves in. I don't have any answers as to why I should, or what good it will do. But I know that something inside tells me that it's something I need to do, and I've learned that those feelings you have inside are there for a reason. Intuition is truly what makes us ALL divine in nature. So I look forward to hearing from someone soon. And if I don't, then I'll just keep stumbling along until hit the right road.

 

What To Learn??

I had a good day today. Met some new people and hopefully some new friends whom are like minded. I think that most, if not all, of them were in fact Wiccan, which is cool... but I think that they'll be alright with me just being pagan. There was 8 of us total; 7 women and 1 man. The energy was good and everyone seemed to click pretty well. Everyone was nice and seemed pretty grounded, which was refreshing because usually I have a tendency to meet psycho people! lol.

Anyway we decided to try and start a 'learning group' and to try and start getting together and studying different things together. Not a coven mind you, just a learning group. I think it would be great fun!! And it would be nice getting to know them all better and meshing our thoughts and ideas around and having someone to grow with. I'm not sure if any of them are into energy or quantum physics theories, but maybe some of them are. I'm hoping!!

So the lady that started the email group to begin with asked us to think about what things we'd like to learn about within the group and I've been sitting here thinking. There's so much that I'd like to learn about! I'm like a sponge, I want to learn so much. LOL. But I think I'm going to narrow it down to things that might be good to learn about in the group. Some things I think I'd just have to study on my own. Here's a few thoughts....

-Herbs (magical, medicinal and also cooking qualities)
-Stones & their uses/properties
-Chakras
-Dreamwork & Lucid dreaming
-Energy fields, energy ripples, auras etc.
-Divination of various kinds
-Comparing various religious pantheons

I'd love to study energy and dimensions from a quantum physics standpoint, but that would probably have to be someone other than me into it for that to work. There are other things I'm sure that would be good in a group but I can't think of right now. If you have any ideas pass them along! :)

Better Late Than Never!

Ok I finally made it back! I really REALLY wanted to get back here that same night, but something came up.. as it usually does. That's ok though, you know how I am. heh.

SO! On to deity. This is going to be fun fun because truthfully I have no idea how to describe how I feel on this one. I guess I should just jump right in.

When I was little I went to church. Even up into my teen years somewhat, but that was really only because afterwards my friends and I went out on the town. lol. But even when I was little something didn't feel quite right. Left over thoughts from a past life? Who knows. My parents weren't super religious but they did believe in god and the bible. You can't grow up in the deep south and not have a background with religion however, so it's in my past as well. The first time I questioned I was in middle school. If I'm not mistaken it was in my 6th grade challenge class (sort of those classes they put the above average kids in). We were studying the Greek pantheon and the teacher was telling us how the Greek people 'made up' gods to explain things that they couldn't explain. A light bulb went off in my little brain and my hand shot up. And my question was if those gods were made up, how are they any different from the christian god? Maybe someone made him up to explain how we got here and why we live. Makes sense to me. Needless to say I was sent to the guidance office everyday after that. I was such a trouble maker. Hehe.

From that moment on I've contemplated the universe, religion, spirituality and just what I'm supposed to be doing here. Deity is one of the hardest things to talk to anyone about because people get SO defensive about it. They feel like if you don't agree that their chosen god is all-powerful then you are somehow committing some great dastardly deed. Ugh!

Ok, well as I've said, I've always been into the weirder things in life. The good strange paranormal/metaphysical stuff. Somehow it seems to fit for the most part. And I believe that certain entities exist. Whether you call them ghosts, spirits, or whatever... I call them entitites. Basically they're just certain aspects of that energy that makes up everything. There are neither good nor bad, (the angels/demons if you will), but have different intents, much like people do. It is my guess that nothing is purely good nor bad/ black nor white. Everything is a shade of gray, as one cannot exist without the other. Only intent exists. (We'll have that discussion later on lol.)

Now the closest thing that I can figure is that there have been what most call 'enlightened masters' that have lived at various moments in time. I believe that these 'masters' were so shocking and able to do miraculous things that people idolized them. Over time the legends of them grew infamous and thus to the people they became gods. This could have been going on since cave-man time. Major things like weather, seasons, nature etc... also gave rise to gods in the sense that these things hold great power and people usually tend to have to associate power with some sort of person/being.

When I try to explain this to someone their favorite question is usually, "Well if there is no god then how did we get here?" I didn't say that I could explain that. I have no clue! If I knew that I'd probably be off exploring new universes. lol. You see I think that religion has one great thing, and that is faith. You don't have to believe in god to have faith. You can have faith in whatever you have it in. I have faith in the fact that I don't need to know all the answers. We never will. I have no problem with anyone's faiths or beliefs so long as they don't try to impose them on me and they don't hurt anyone.

I find it sad though that people feel the need to 'save' people or impose their beliefs on someone else. To me that just shows how much of a LACK of conviction they really have. If you aren't able to have such a strong connection with whatever you have faith in that you feel the need to destroy all other belief systems so as to not have any competition..... then well that's your problem. If you truly believed in what you said you did then it wouldn't matter what others thought.

I have a lot more to say no the subject of deity, but I'm gonna let it rest at that right now. Any comments or questions just pop 'em into the comment section or email me at concubine@gmail.com!

Little Changes

Well it looks like I'm going to have to use this template for the time being. I've got some tweaking to do on the old one, and until I get around to getting it done it just wasn't doing what I wanted it to.

Have no fear. The Rapa Nui man will return eventually. :)

Always Wondering

I had a somewhat interesting conversation last night with someone who stumbled on these blogs and is also interested in quantum physics. Now I don't know this person, and I have to admit it kind of shocked me that someone was paying attention to this blog in particular, but it was nice to chat with someone who is also into these types of things. I wish I had the ability to talk to more people who enjoy this type of thing, but to be honest I doubt I could keep up with most of what they would be saying. It seems that most of the people into this have been college educated IN physics.... and I have just researched things on my own. So I really don't comprehend the scientific terms and examples. LOL. Oh well, at least I'm trying!

In any case, the chat got me thinking about things again. Perhaps I can really dig around on the net and find some articles and things that explain in layman's terms.

It really amazes me how closely some of the theories and ideas of physics and certain metaphysical attributes tie in together. There's a nice little article written about it on the Witchvox website HERE.

It's funny to think about, for me... religion, myth, mysticism; they're all the same. In trying to describe my views on deity I realized that a lot of people won't get what I'm trying to say unless they can understand somewhat the fact that we are all simply energy zigzagging around. People keep asking me where my beliefs lie, what religion I am, what "GOD" I believe in and so forth. I figure I can try to explain, but keep in mind that beliefs or ideas (in my opinion) should be constantly changing as our lives and experiences are constantly changing. Not to say that I don't have beliefs that I have complete faith in, because I do. But I think that you can hold a basic idea of something and still have it grow and develop as you yourself grow and develop. It's like learning basic math in elementary school. For the rest of your life you will always know that 2+2=4. But eventually you learn algebra and geometry and you realize that sometimes you have to elaborate on the basics and you learn new concepts. I hope I'm making sense so far! People who hold onto something so tightly that they refuse to hear anything other than what is in line with their ideas 100% really make me feel sorry for them in a way. We are ever-changing, as is our world. It only makes sense that our patterns of thought change along with it.

Ok, so I am going to get into deity but I don't think my brain is into it right now. I really am a night owl, and for some reason I think better at night. It's still too early in the day for me to really get into gear. heh. So this will commence later tonight my friends! I'd love to hear any of your views so if you're reading feel free to start a good discussion. :)