I'm Just a Traveler Exploring Life...

I'm Just a Traveler Exploring Life...

Monday, July 31, 2017

My liar's chair

So apparently I'm a liar. I apologize to whoever is out there. I've lied about being in pain all the time. I've lied about having COPD and cancer and bone spurs/arthritis in my spine. I've lied about having depression and anxiety and panic attacks and every other illness or condition that I've talked about. I'm just a big fatass liar.

That's how I fucking feel. I'm so tired of being treated like I'm just making shit up. Why you ask? I complain for years about pain and being fatigued, and never ever having any energy. I tell my doctor, just this past Friday, that I can do 30 minutes of light to medium housework and then my lower back is hurting so bad that I have to take pain pills and I'm out for hours. Then, because my neuropathy and pinched nerves from bone spurs make my legs and feet hurt so bad, and my legs and feet start to swell, that I have to keep my legs propped up just to be able to stand it. But apparently I'm making that shit up too. Because according to her I am completely able to hold down a 40 hour a week job with no restrictions or concerns whatsoever. Answer me... who the fuck is going to hire me when I tell them that I can't stay on my feet for longer than 30 or 40 minutes before having to rest with my legs propped up? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that I have to take numerous bathroom breaks a day, sometimes every 15 minutes or half hour, because my IBS-D has kicked in and I'm constantly having to shit? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that I have brittle diabetes and that from time to time my sugar will bottom out or skyrocket and I have to check my blood and either eat or take insulin sometimes half a dozen times a day? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that I can't  be around anyone who wears perfume or smokes, or chemicals, or extreme temperatures, because my lungs might start freaking out from the COPD and I then have trouble getting air and have to take multiple breathing treatments from my nebulizer? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that sometimes I get panic attacks or just start crying for no reason at all? But yeah..... sure. No problem. There are employers out there just itching to snap me up.

All of my life I've been treated by doctors who just wanted to blame me for everything because I'm fat. I had no control over being fat. I was fat from the time I was in preschool. I'm pretty sure that I was either over, or damn near pushing, 100 lbs at 8 years old. I was the ONLY fat one in the family, and until my parents hit their 50's and got that normal 'middle age spread' that has held true. (Even now they're not really that big.... my Dad weighs around 200 and my Mom weighs around 180, and I don't ever remember my brother being big.) We have pictures of me where I was this cute, skinny kid and then pictures of me when I was just a bloated pig. No in-between. No transitioning photos. It was just like one minute it's there, when the minute before it was not. I was like 5.... I don't remember it happening. Now that I'm an adult, I've tried to lose weight. I've dieted; I've worked out; I've done my best to eat healthy. I have no metabolism! I have no energy!

I was a military brat, so we went to the military doctors. They didn't want to mess with me and so the answer to everything was 'it's because she is fat'. I swear to you I went one time for a crushed finger that got caught in the door and the doctor blamed it partially on my weight. When I got older and became an adult I had to get my own doctors and I went through three or four who didn't want to mess with me. Again, everything was because I was fat. Lose weight they said. I tried. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing happened. For 20 years I was bleeding like someone had ripped my innards apart and passing blood clots the size of my fists. I was bleeding almost every day. And I mean EVERY day.... practically 325+ days a year. Those giant pads they give pregnant women? Yeah, I used those for 20 years and bled so heavy that I would sometimes go through four of those in an hour. Some days I couldn't even leave the house because I would be bleeding so much that no pad could keep me from bleeding through my clothes. The doctors response? Oh... some women just do that. They didn't want to test me for anything. They didn't want to do any exams. They didn't want to TOUCH me and on some occasions acted like they hated to even look at me. They treated me like I was a walking case of blubber with leprosy and sent me on my way. And eventually, oh guess what? You've got endometrial cancer. Whoopsie! We shoulda caught that huh?

So yeah I have a hard time trusting doctors. Lose weight, they keep telling me to this day. I'm tired of hearing it. They act as if I haven't tried; like I enjoy being in this body and not being able to do things that normal people can do. It's truly a JOY to have to be nervous about breaking furniture or going out places and wondering if I can use their bathrooms or if I will be able to fit in their seats. It's DELIGHTFUL to be stared at, pointed at, laughed at, made fun of, yelled at, be sneered at, to be discriminated against, and to not even be considered as a human being every time you step out of the house. I YEARN to feel like a failure and a disappointment, like an outcast, like a loser, like my life has meant nothing. Every day of my life I DREAMED about not being able to have children, to never be married, to not have someone in my life to share experiences with and to always feel alone. I've always been ECSTATIC that I can't do the things I'd love to do like travel, and go to theme parks and ride the rides, or simply sleep in a bed. It's been a goddamned PLEASURE I tell you!! I'm living it up EVERY DAMN DAY!

I told my therapist last week that I'm just tired. I truly am. I've been saying it for years now and it's more true now than it's ever been. I told her that I've always been scared about being put on heavy anxiety or anti-depressants because I know people who have been on them and they become zombies. I've always said that my mind was the only good thing that I had and for that reason I didn't want any of those types of drugs in my body. Well, I've lied in that too it seems. Because I would welcome it right now. I would much rather be a zombie whose mind is completely clouded and dumbed down. I wish she had the ability to load me up like a freight train with heavy mind-fucking drugs. Hell, if I could afford it I would find them myself. Dreams and hopes apparently just aren't meant to be in my wheelhouse, and once again life has shown me that expecting something different just ends up disappointing me more. Einstein said that doing the same things and expecting different results was the definition of insanity. I keep hoping and trying to stay positive that things will change but the results are never different. It always comes back to me that apparently I'm a liar. If the doctor says that I am perfectly fine and that all of these conditions obviously don't make any impact on my body or my life then that must be true. After all; she's the one with the medical license. So it must be the way it is. And that means I'm faking it. I'm a liar; a useless habitual liar. I guess everything is really fine after all. I'm tired of trying to get anyone to understand otherwise.

In the words of one of the best authors of all time, “How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.”  

You win, shitty life. You win.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Hot pokers and Humpty on the wall...

Yes my friends, insomnia has struck again. My mind feels like it's in a slightly liquidated state, as I have taken my nightly meds and they have fully kicked in at this point. One would think that this would make me go to sleep, but alas.... tonight my body just won't turn off and it SUCKS. My main issue is my legs and feet. It is hard to describe the feeling but I can try my best. Once, when I was about ten years old, I was outside in the backyard and unknowingly stepped in a huge bed of fire-ants. The feeling of them biting me was like having hot pokers stuck to my legs and feet repeatedly. My Mom picked me up and immediately stuck me in the small plastic pool that we had in the yard, and the ants flaked off into the water. Now, after about ten minutes or so the initial burning died down and what was left was like a numbed down version of those hot pokers stabbing me. It was like the nerves in my lower limbs had been so overloaded that they were only registering half of the pain. That is the exact feeling that I am having in my legs and feet over the past week or so at night. So yeah, not fun at all.

In other news, I had another appointment with my therapist today. Again I say, I really like her a lot. She doesn't sugar coat things and talks to you like you're just out having a lunch somewhere as friends... not condescending at all. I respect that. Anyway, we talked about putting me on some low-dose anti-depressants and I think that I'm finally at the point where I can admit that I think I need them. I'm having too hard of a time lately and it's frustrating. I've been having panic attacks again, although thankfully not as bad as before. It's hard for me to really open up to anyone because although I can pour out emotions and mental states in writing, it is really difficult for some reason to express those in words. I think maybe it's because I know that if I let a small crack in the facade that I will completely crumble and possibly not be able to put the pieces back together again. Let's just call it Humpty Dumpty syndrome, shall we?

Sometimes I really envy those that are insane or just have sociopathic tendencies, (like my father). I envy the freedom that they have as a result of not having a conscience and just not giving a shit at all. How nice it must be to simply act or feel or think without concern or worrying about the outcome of things. Now don't get me wrong.... I know that they also have issues that come as a result of how their minds work; but I still am jealous of the delicious absence of constant morality that they have. It's like that line is so thick in my mind, and I am always standing on the edge of the cliff looking down and wanting so bad to just let go and jump.... but always there's this harness that holds me back. It is a good thing to have a conscience... I totally understand this; but when you're living with these feelings of depression, hopelessness, failure, loneliness, pain, and just pure torture - well it's like someone standing at your back with a straight razor just slowly slicing and dicing pieces of your soul away while you stare into an abyss that offers both comfort and the threat of losing yourself completely. In my next life I really hope that I am living a completely different existence as the one I've experienced this go 'round.

What else... what else is going on... Hmmm. Not much really. Trying to stay cool. My car said the temperature outside today was 105! What the hell man?! I mean I lived in Arizona and it once got to 120, but it was dry heat so it wasn't nearly as bad as the weather here in SC with the damn humidity. If I was to win the lottery (which is pretty slim chances because I haven't played in forever hah), I would move somewhere else where the weather is cooler and there are actually four seasons instead of just the two we have here which are: winter and hellfire. I joke and tell my Mom that I have reverse seasonal depression. Most people get depressed in the winter but my hard time is the summer. I love the other times of the year but ugh.... summer is so hard on me. I go outside for a few minutes and the heat just zaps all of the energy out of my body. I'm praying for an early fall. LOL!

That's about it for now I guess. Mainly just wanted to log in and record how I'm feeling right now my friend, the head shrink, who is supposedly going to read my blog. Peace out!

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Just Around the Corner!!!!!

Yep, school is just around the corner. I'm "officially" a senior this year, although technically I have these last two semesters plus two classes left to take. The last two are going to be taken at the local technical college hopefully though, so it will be cheaper as my financial aid will be over and done with by then. I'm sort of dreading this semester because one of my classes is in Spartanburg and that means I will have to drive back and forth 3 times a week, on I-85 during rush hour in the mornings. I HATE HATE HATE that road! And morning rush hours are going to be hell, because anyone who knows me understands that I don't fully wake up until after the noon hour. So I'm super stressing it but there's nothing that can be done about it. I just pray that my car can take it.

Other than that, it's still hot as hell here. My brother moved into a place with central air though, so I'm getting the window units that were in his old place because they belong to my Mom and she said I could use them. Thank goodness! So hopefully next week I will have a bigger window unit in the living room (the new landlords put a new one in but it's a size smaller than the one that died and doesn't cool the room b/c it's not the right size). I'm moving the smaller one into the kitchen and then I'll have a small one for the bedroom as well. Yay!!!!

This week I'm working really hard to keep my sugar levels down and see if it makes me feel any different. So far I've been doing fairly well actually. (Except for today; I made cookies and had a cup of milk with some.... so we'll see how much that impacts my glycemic levels.... but DAMN I haven't had anything chocolate in a while and wanted a sweet snack; plus the cookies were already out of date and were going to have to be thrown away if I didn't cook them soon.) I actually cooked some roasted veggies today that were to DIE FOR and for lunch I eat almost the whole sheet pan full hahaha! It was about two cups or so; not too bad. There was zucchini, squash, tomatoes, carrots, and a little broccoli. Mixed up some olive oil, balsamic vinegar, Mediterranean spice mix, pepper, salt, and then topped them off with some fresh dried basil from my plant. Then roasted until they were nicely carmelized........ YUMMO!

Mood wise, this last week has been MUCH better than the few prior. I was sick again when I was back in Sumter to help Mom after my Dad's surgery. I'm beginning to really believe that the house and my body just are like two magnets trying to repel each other. Seriously! Oh, so yeah my Dad had surgery on July 6th to remove a mass from his arm. It went well but of course he's being a huge baby about everything. This weekend he has electrodes all glued onto his head and has to carry around a little satchel with a monitor in it so that the doctors can record and look at his brain waves. They cancelled out mini-strokes b/c his MRI showed no lesions that would have been a result of this. So now I think they're trying to figure out if he has onset Alzheimer or dementia or if it's something else in his brain out of whack. I hope they figure something out definitively soon because we all need to figure out what to do. I told him this past trip that if it comes back that whatever is going on is going to get worse, that he has to make some hard decisions because I'm not moving back to Sumter and I will not allow Mom to deal with him all alone. She cannot mentally take it. So either he has to start helping her slowly go through and get rid of things in the house or he had best plan on being put into the VA hospital or a VA home. (They're both packrats, especially him, so it's going to take a long time to get through all the mess they have built up.) He didn't like that of course but the truth is the truth.

In other news, I've been selling as much shit as I can on ebay to help pay the bills until I get my school refund money next month. My Lord of the Rings collection has been doing pretty well with me selling it off piece by piece. I've already went through most of the DVD's and BluRays that I own though, so I'm quickly running out of things to sell. Just trying to hang on.... please please please don't let them up the rent when my lease is up at the end of September. I cannot get that off of my mind and it is terrifying me. Ugh.

I haven't been to my therapist in a few weeks. She had vacation, then I was gone to help with Dad and so the next appt. they had for me was the 19th. I have always had severe trepidation about being put on any kind of anxiety/depression drugs because of a couple reasons.... 1) I know or have known so many people on these types of drugs that turn into complete braindead zombies, and 2) There are so many horror stories about people who have major problems when they finally attempt to come off of the drugs. As I told her when she's asked about them, my brain is truly the only good thing about me and I don't want to fuck it up. But I am having so many issues with stress, anxiety and depression that I think I'm going to talk to her about them next week. In the past few weeks I've had some panic attacks, which I haven't had serious ones since just after surgery... but for some reason they returned. I guess it's just stress bringing them on. It's been affecting my sleeping too. So maybe it's time to at least start a conversation about them. For some reason though I feel like I've failed myself because I can't handle things by myself.... although I know that is a stigma in my mind and that it's ok to ask for help if you need it. So we'll see how that goes next week.

That's about it for now so I'm outta here!! Stay cool in these hellish temperatures!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Holy shitballs... Can I catch a break please!!!???

Seriously.  It feels like every week there's something new that fucks up. I'm really getting tired of this cycle repeating itself. My stress levels look like Mt. McKinley on acid.

My Mom and I were talking last week and she mentioned that she wished we could get a good fishing day or two in before my Dad has his surgery on July 6th. So I made a special point to drive in Friday night and visit with them over the weekend. So Friday morning I wake up and it's sooooo hot in the house. I noticed my A/C unit wasn't on.... but whenever we get a power surge it often turns off so I just figured that happened while I was sleeping. So I turn it back on and go to the bathroom. I come back and it's off again. Damnit. I'm thinking to myself, maybe I need a better surge protector. I know that the unit is supposed to be plugged directly into the wall, but I live in an old mill house and there are only 2 power outlets in the living room, and neither of them are anywhere near the only window (where the unit is). So I go to Home  Depot and buy a heavy duty power surge protector ($40 damn dollars eeek!). I plug it in and it seems to work great. After half an hour of watching it I go ahead and pack my car up and head out. In the meantime I call a friend who has a key to my place and ask him to check on it over the weekend, which he does and messages me Saturday that everything was good.

Fast forward to this past evening. I get home at about 9pm (Monday) and walk into the house. The a/c unit is running but it's not putting out any cold air. What it's spitting out is barely cool air and the house is over 87 degrees. DAMNIT! So once again I clean the filter, which I had already done, and reset the unit. I try everything that I can think of, and that Google can tell me to try, to get it working. The fan works but the compressor doesn't seem to be kicking on. Lovely.

And now my maintenance request is in at the new property manager (which are so new I haven't even paid rent to them yet), and their website says that it could be up to 14 business days before they can get out and then they may or may not decide to fix/replace the a/c. Holy Jebus. In the mean time, there's a fat-ass, menopausal woman who does NOT do well in the heat at all. I don't mean that I don't do well because I don't like it.... I mean my body reacts in a VERY non-pleasant way. I start to overheat very quickly because I don't sweat as much or as often as most people do. (I have no clue why but it seems to be genetic.) And it's been over 95 degrees quite a few days lately. Oh yeah, and I can't open any windows because they've all been screwed/painted shut for years before I got here. YAY!!!!!!  These next couple of weeks are not going to go well my friends; not at all.

You know I have tried and tried to stay positive. I know that the Universe is going to give me what I am focused on the most. But it seems like no amount of my trying or focusing on positive things can overpower the bitch that is my subconscious mind, (which apparently is not only an annoying bitch but also a masochist). I guess I should have assumed this all along; after all I was a cutter for many years. Bah. Wish me luck that I can handle this until some resolution is reached.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

3am ramblings

Lion King was awesome! I kept wondering how they were going to take animated animals and tell a story as humans. They did it beautifully and I think that Mom really enjoyed the show. They even came down the aisles and made the audience feel like they were a part of the production. We had GREAT seats, (I had bought seats on the platform for those with a handicap/mobility issue) and could see everything pretty well. We took a cab there and back so we wouldn't have to fight for parking. That was an experience in itself. I've not been in a cab too terribly often in my life, but it seems that the usual thing now is just for average people to drive their own cars and call it a business. Welcome to the age of uber drivers.

The other big news is that I now have a stackable washer and dryer! YAY! Mom happened to find one at a yard sale for cheap and took a risk that it would work. After having one of her friends drive it up here (he just moved to my town), I paid Bobby and his son to move it into the house and hook it up. After cleaning it up a little bit it looks brand new and works like a charm! My god it is so great to be able to wash a load of laundry at 2am without having to wait for a machine, listen to screaming little kids running around, or have to deal with puddles of water on the floor. It's the small things in life.....  I really hadn't planned on getting one until after I found out if they were going to up the rent when my lease is up in September, but it really was a steal so there ya go. I truly am stressed and worried about them changing the rent and me not being able to afford it. I can barely afford it now and have been selling everything I can to pay the bills. The property management company has been changed AGAIN so I just had to go through the entire process of getting approved to access my account online. With all of this shuffling around of landlords it makes me nervous. Fingers crossed that they just keep things the same and let me sign another 12 months lease. Please!!!

While Ma was here we also went to see Wonder Woman. It was such a good movie! When we were waiting in the theater for the movie to start, Mom was telling me how she remembered when I was a little girl and I used to love the tv show. She asked me if I remembered running around the house flicking my arms all around and playing like I had Wonder Woman's bracers on my wrists/arms. I said yep, I totally remember that. Little Wonder Woman; that was me! It's nice for little boys and girls today to have a strong, capable female super hero that gets things done by herself and doesn't depend on a man for anything to look up to. It really was so encouraging and inspiring to see.

Once again my sleeping is entirely fucked up. I should just be used to this fact by now. The past few days I've been in a funk and not feeling well. Some of it is mindset and some of it is just not feeling good. I used to have migraines in high school... we're talking serious enough to have CT scans, a neurologist, and medication that put me on my ass almost instantly. As I got older they slowly faded away, but I've had a wicked headache for the past two days. I don't know if it's blood pressure, stress, sugar fluctuating up and down like mad, or something else entirely. BUT IT SUCKS!! I'm so ready for this headache to be gone. Ugh.

I think this post has been long enough and I really don't have any witty things to express at the moment, so this was primarily just an update for my therapist to be aware of how I'm feeling at the moment. So there ya go. Until next time..... stay out of the heat!

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

It's so hot even my salt lamps are sweating...

I shit you not. Yes, I realize that it's normal for salt lamps to sweat and leave salt on the table around them. But DAMN it's been hot lately! I hate summer, truly. For those of you who have never had the privilege of living in the deep south, (and by that I mean DEEP SOUTH, namely... SC, NC, GA, TN, and AL) you will never understand the true hell of 100% humidity on a sweltering hot day. I've lived in Arizona, a mere 30ish miles from the Mexican border in the middle of a desert, where it was 120 degrees in the shade... and it still was more pleasant than a hot summer day in SC. Yuck. Bring on the fall and winter please!

It was a pretty bad day today. My mood was not the problem but my body was. Every week and a half or so it gets to the point where I have a day where my body just doesn't seem to want to function. I am so exhausted and icky feeling that I just can't stay awake. So most of the day I spent trying to stay in the dark, coolness and get some energy back. When I finally did wake up I watched the Jeff Sessions hearing which I had DVR'd and was totally disgusted. I really dislike that man. He reminds me of what would be produced if a Keebler elf and this aggravating little ass from the Hitler youth army had a love child.
Seriously. Like WTF man? Anyway, this entire political year has been ass-backwards and it's easy to get worked up over the idiots that back this hateful rhetoric. I can only look forward to the next elections when we can reverse this idiocracy that exists now.

I really wanted to get a few things accomplished this week, but for the most part I didn't get as much done as I should have. I did get my cutting board put together and sanded down, and now it's ready to stain. I sold a few more things on ebay and offerup, which will help pay at least one bill. I still have some more things to put up but I still have to take pictures.

Tomorrow I have a dr. appointment and I have to attempt to figure out where I'm moving some things in the kitchen to. I have to clean out the area in the kitchen in order to get to where the connections for the washer/dryer are. When your apartment is so small though it's an act of congress to figure out where to move anything to, even just temporarily.

I'm looking forward to Friday. Mom is coming back up for the weekend because we have tickets to go see the Lion King live! We've had tickets since before the new year, as they were a Christmas present. I don't know what we're going to do about parking yet but we shall see. I hope that we can just pay to park somewhere close and not have to do a lot of walking, as hiring an uber or a cab will cost almost 30 bucks! Which, by the way, I think is totally ludicrous. I hope Mom really enjoys the show. She has never seen a Broadway show (neither have I actually), but I have always loved the theater plays that I've seen and I also love musicals for the most part. I just want her to have fun and enjoy it.

So I guess that's about all for now. I hope that tomorrow I am feeling a bit better and that my body has some energy. It really does suck to feel like your body is just a lifeless husk. Bother.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Bruce Lee Kicked my Ass

Once again it's been quite a while since I've been here. No excuses; it's just the way it is. Last year I was working with a therapist that I called "Rhea" who was appointed to me from the cancer center. She met with me a few times and told me that she wanted me to journal again and so I did. Eventually she just never returned my call or set up a new appointment and so that ended that. Honestly ya'll, I didn't do anything really crazy at all! She had asked me about religious beliefs and I honestly told her a little bit about my beliefs and well....... I guess that severed that link. How someone can call themselves a therapist and then cut off anyone who isn't Christian like them is beyond me, but what can you do?

So from that point on, well almost a year I guess, I've been dealing with things myself. Some things have been better and some have been much worse. Last month I decided to ask my doctor at the clinic to refer me to one of the therapists there and she did. Luckily my new therapist is pretty damn cool and she seems to not be threatened or frightened of my outlooks on life. Hah! She wanted me to journal again too so here I am. We'll name her "Lois" in honor of Achelois, (a moon Goddess whose name meant 'she who washes away pain').

What's been happening in my world, you might ask. I'm still attempting to finish school and am officially a senior according to the college. I've tried to find a job and put in a good many applications but due to the physical restrictions there just hasn't been anything that I'm qualified for. And those that I could physically do require a degree that I don't have yet. So yeah... catch 22! I've been living off of my school loans and I've been selling a lot of my shit to pay bills. I guess I'm lucky that I saved up all kinds of stuff for years in preparation of moving and having my own place. It's just stuff.... some of it is hard to let go because of the dreams I had tied up with them, but for the most part I let it go because I know those dreams are gone now and things have changed so much. When it's time to create new dreams then I'll just start anew. I'm not the same person that I was so there's no point in holding onto those old things. Needless to say, things have been pretty tight some weeks.

I'm still dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. Lois says that I have depression. Well duh. I've been depressed all of my life, (well at least since about the age of 10). At this point, after 30 years of feeling damaged inside, I'm pretty much a pro at hiding it behind a happy mask. She told me that I seem to be a pretty positive person and I'm usually happy. That makes me feel a little proud and a little disturbed. Proud, because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Disturbed because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Yep that's me. All kinds of double edge sword ninja tricks. Bruce Lee totally kicked my ass.

What's changed other than me? I've had to let some relationships go or at least cool off drastically. I really had no choice in this. It was either take that step or continue letting them hurt me because either they A) didn't care about me in the first place, or B) they were too selfish and decided that hurting me was a way to get me to do what they wanted or to make themselves feel superior. So for the most part I stay at home alone and hang out. From time to time I'll venture out and hang with my friends Bobby, Dawn, and Sam. We have a good time together and none of us are trying to use the other for some reason or another. We all help each other out when we need it and I'm so grateful for their friendships. It's nice to have people that understand that real friendships are a give and take and not just a take take take take with no give. But other than that it's just me. It's pretty lonely and sometimes I have trouble with that so I try to make the most of it.

I turned 40 last month. I never thought I'd live to 40. Not in a million years did I believe that. Honestly, many days I wish I hadn't lived to 40. I promised my Mom a long time ago that as long as she was alive I wouldn't hurt myself, and because I love her so much I have done my best to keep that promise. She deserves so much and that is the only real thing that I can give her. However, that doesn't keep me from hoping some days that I would just not wake up. If I die naturally it would still hurt her I know but there's nothing I can really do about that and at least she would know I kept my word. Not trying to sound morbid, mind you. It's just the honest truth of how I feel. I don't mind taking a shower in a thunderstorm now because if lightning hits me it's not really that big of a deal. How's that for fucked up?! HAH!

One day at a time. That's how I tend to get by at the moment. I try to just get through this day. Some days it's much, much harder than others.

I suppose one of the biggest issues for me right now is dealing with the loss of possibilities. I had always wanted to have kids I think, even though I didn't realize quite what I was feeling until I was much older. There was some part of me that knew that it was probably better that I didn't have kids because our family line really needed to end with me and my brother, (he's totally in agreement with that as well). Our family is far too fucked up to pass the same cycles down to another generation. It is better to end with us. Knowing that doesn't change those feelings, however, and as a woman I think it's embedded in our DNA to have that desire to reproduce.

I've always loved kids and have always wanted to have a child, as well as to make my Mom a Grandma. Even though I knew that the odds were 99% against having a kid, up until the cancer there was always that slight possibility that it could happen. (Now other than the health issues, there were a VAST amount of mental and emotional roadblocks to that ever happening... but the heart wants what the heart wants and logic need not apply.) After the cancer surgery though, all of that was gone. I don't feel as though my 'womanhood' is gone as some I've talked to feel; I just feel that the chances and possibilities were ripped away from me. As one lady told me, it's like I'm grieving the death of the child that I never was able to have. It feels like a death and a loss. It feels like grieving the life that never was to be. I don't know how else to explain it, and I know it doesn't make sense to anyone whose never felt the same. How can someone mourn what never was? But there it is folks; there's this huge, gaping black hole in the soul. And what is a black hole? To use one definition they are: "A region of space having a gravitational field so intense that no matter, light, or radiation can escape." To use another definition they are: "A place where people or things, especially money, disappear without trace." And there you have it. The black hole in my life has caused the possibilities to disappear without a trace with no trace of light escaping.

It is hard to explain these feelings to anyone else, so I really don't talk about them. I've tried to explain them to those who are close to me but they choose to either ignore or dismiss them. For example, I've had one friend that I've known since I was about 18 years old. We've never lived near each other, (we met in a chatroom), but I've visited her a couple of times in person and we stay in touch over the phone almost every day. I love her to death. She has never wanted children and in fact she has always been adamant about not wanting kids. Two years ago she got pregnant and was a little upset about it, however she is Catholic and doesn't believe in abortion so she decided to have the baby. Now don't get me wrong; I'm extremely happy for her that she had her little girl and doesn't regret it now - but I still have to listen to her almost every day complain about her kid. She loves her; but she also complains a LOT about it. I don't mind letting her vent, but quite often she makes remarks like, "Oh you're so lucky that you don't have to worry about kids" or, "Be happy that you'll never have to deal with a kid", etc. There are numerous other comments like that, but you get the general idea. Hearing those things cuts me to the bone, and what's worse is that she knows how it makes me feel. I've told her that they really hurt me because I'll never have that chance, but she still makes those comments often. I just don't say anything anymore; it's easier that way because people don't get it. They don't try to get it. They don't understand how sometimes seeing a pretty baby in the store or on TV can rip that wound open anew. Hell, I was almost in tears the other day sitting outside the pharmacy waiting for medication because I was sitting directly across from the baby aisle with all those kids on the diaper boxes staring out. I know... crazy right?!

So, yeah... you feel like a failure as a woman. And for me, it makes me angry and resentful towards myself for making my life such a mess that I never was able to realize the opportunity of having a family. It makes me hate myself even more because once again, my fucked up mental and emotional situations controlled my life and stole those things from it.  Add all of that anger, resentment, hatred, grief, sense of loss, pain, failure, and anxiety together and some days it is quite crippling. Some days it's hard to even make it to the bathroom and get a shower, or make myself eat. (Imagine that, a fat girl who finds it hard to eat!)

And on that note I think I'm going to end that post here. If I dwell on it too much it just depresses me even more and I don't really want to wallow in it tonight. :) Here's to hoping for a decent tomorrow.