I'm Just a Traveler Exploring Life...

I'm Just a Traveler Exploring Life...

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Holy shitballs... Can I catch a break please!!!???

Seriously.  It feels like every week there's something new that fucks up. I'm really getting tired of this cycle repeating itself. My stress levels look like Mt. McKinley on acid.

My Mom and I were talking last week and she mentioned that she wished we could get a good fishing day or two in before my Dad has his surgery on July 6th. So I made a special point to drive in Friday night and visit with them over the weekend. So Friday morning I wake up and it's sooooo hot in the house. I noticed my A/C unit wasn't on.... but whenever we get a power surge it often turns off so I just figured that happened while I was sleeping. So I turn it back on and go to the bathroom. I come back and it's off again. Damnit. I'm thinking to myself, maybe I need a better surge protector. I know that the unit is supposed to be plugged directly into the wall, but I live in an old mill house and there are only 2 power outlets in the living room, and neither of them are anywhere near the only window (where the unit is). So I go to Home  Depot and buy a heavy duty power surge protector ($40 damn dollars eeek!). I plug it in and it seems to work great. After half an hour of watching it I go ahead and pack my car up and head out. In the meantime I call a friend who has a key to my place and ask him to check on it over the weekend, which he does and messages me Saturday that everything was good.

Fast forward to this past evening. I get home at about 9pm (Monday) and walk into the house. The a/c unit is running but it's not putting out any cold air. What it's spitting out is barely cool air and the house is over 87 degrees. DAMNIT! So once again I clean the filter, which I had already done, and reset the unit. I try everything that I can think of, and that Google can tell me to try, to get it working. The fan works but the compressor doesn't seem to be kicking on. Lovely.

And now my maintenance request is in at the new property manager (which are so new I haven't even paid rent to them yet), and their website says that it could be up to 14 business days before they can get out and then they may or may not decide to fix/replace the a/c. Holy Jebus. In the mean time, there's a fat-ass, menopausal woman who does NOT do well in the heat at all. I don't mean that I don't do well because I don't like it.... I mean my body reacts in a VERY non-pleasant way. I start to overheat very quickly because I don't sweat as much or as often as most people do. (I have no clue why but it seems to be genetic.) And it's been over 95 degrees quite a few days lately. Oh yeah, and I can't open any windows because they've all been screwed/painted shut for years before I got here. YAY!!!!!!  These next couple of weeks are not going to go well my friends; not at all.

You know I have tried and tried to stay positive. I know that the Universe is going to give me what I am focused on the most. But it seems like no amount of my trying or focusing on positive things can overpower the bitch that is my subconscious mind, (which apparently is not only an annoying bitch but also a masochist). I guess I should have assumed this all along; after all I was a cutter for many years. Bah. Wish me luck that I can handle this until some resolution is reached.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

3am ramblings

Lion King was awesome! I kept wondering how they were going to take animated animals and tell a story as humans. They did it beautifully and I think that Mom really enjoyed the show. They even came down the aisles and made the audience feel like they were a part of the production. We had GREAT seats, (I had bought seats on the platform for those with a handicap/mobility issue) and could see everything pretty well. We took a cab there and back so we wouldn't have to fight for parking. That was an experience in itself. I've not been in a cab too terribly often in my life, but it seems that the usual thing now is just for average people to drive their own cars and call it a business. Welcome to the age of uber drivers.

The other big news is that I now have a stackable washer and dryer! YAY! Mom happened to find one at a yard sale for cheap and took a risk that it would work. After having one of her friends drive it up here (he just moved to my town), I paid Bobby and his son to move it into the house and hook it up. After cleaning it up a little bit it looks brand new and works like a charm! My god it is so great to be able to wash a load of laundry at 2am without having to wait for a machine, listen to screaming little kids running around, or have to deal with puddles of water on the floor. It's the small things in life.....  I really hadn't planned on getting one until after I found out if they were going to up the rent when my lease is up in September, but it really was a steal so there ya go. I truly am stressed and worried about them changing the rent and me not being able to afford it. I can barely afford it now and have been selling everything I can to pay the bills. The property management company has been changed AGAIN so I just had to go through the entire process of getting approved to access my account online. With all of this shuffling around of landlords it makes me nervous. Fingers crossed that they just keep things the same and let me sign another 12 months lease. Please!!!

While Ma was here we also went to see Wonder Woman. It was such a good movie! When we were waiting in the theater for the movie to start, Mom was telling me how she remembered when I was a little girl and I used to love the tv show. She asked me if I remembered running around the house flicking my arms all around and playing like I had Wonder Woman's bracers on my wrists/arms. I said yep, I totally remember that. Little Wonder Woman; that was me! It's nice for little boys and girls today to have a strong, capable female super hero that gets things done by herself and doesn't depend on a man for anything to look up to. It really was so encouraging and inspiring to see.

Once again my sleeping is entirely fucked up. I should just be used to this fact by now. The past few days I've been in a funk and not feeling well. Some of it is mindset and some of it is just not feeling good. I used to have migraines in high school... we're talking serious enough to have CT scans, a neurologist, and medication that put me on my ass almost instantly. As I got older they slowly faded away, but I've had a wicked headache for the past two days. I don't know if it's blood pressure, stress, sugar fluctuating up and down like mad, or something else entirely. BUT IT SUCKS!! I'm so ready for this headache to be gone. Ugh.

I think this post has been long enough and I really don't have any witty things to express at the moment, so this was primarily just an update for my therapist to be aware of how I'm feeling at the moment. So there ya go. Until next time..... stay out of the heat!

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

It's so hot even my salt lamps are sweating...

I shit you not. Yes, I realize that it's normal for salt lamps to sweat and leave salt on the table around them. But DAMN it's been hot lately! I hate summer, truly. For those of you who have never had the privilege of living in the deep south, (and by that I mean DEEP SOUTH, namely... SC, NC, GA, TN, and AL) you will never understand the true hell of 100% humidity on a sweltering hot day. I've lived in Arizona, a mere 30ish miles from the Mexican border in the middle of a desert, where it was 120 degrees in the shade... and it still was more pleasant than a hot summer day in SC. Yuck. Bring on the fall and winter please!

It was a pretty bad day today. My mood was not the problem but my body was. Every week and a half or so it gets to the point where I have a day where my body just doesn't seem to want to function. I am so exhausted and icky feeling that I just can't stay awake. So most of the day I spent trying to stay in the dark, coolness and get some energy back. When I finally did wake up I watched the Jeff Sessions hearing which I had DVR'd and was totally disgusted. I really dislike that man. He reminds me of what would be produced if a Keebler elf and this aggravating little ass from the Hitler youth army had a love child.
Seriously. Like WTF man? Anyway, this entire political year has been ass-backwards and it's easy to get worked up over the idiots that back this hateful rhetoric. I can only look forward to the next elections when we can reverse this idiocracy that exists now.

I really wanted to get a few things accomplished this week, but for the most part I didn't get as much done as I should have. I did get my cutting board put together and sanded down, and now it's ready to stain. I sold a few more things on ebay and offerup, which will help pay at least one bill. I still have some more things to put up but I still have to take pictures.

Tomorrow I have a dr. appointment and I have to attempt to figure out where I'm moving some things in the kitchen to. I have to clean out the area in the kitchen in order to get to where the connections for the washer/dryer are. When your apartment is so small though it's an act of congress to figure out where to move anything to, even just temporarily.

I'm looking forward to Friday. Mom is coming back up for the weekend because we have tickets to go see the Lion King live! We've had tickets since before the new year, as they were a Christmas present. I don't know what we're going to do about parking yet but we shall see. I hope that we can just pay to park somewhere close and not have to do a lot of walking, as hiring an uber or a cab will cost almost 30 bucks! Which, by the way, I think is totally ludicrous. I hope Mom really enjoys the show. She has never seen a Broadway show (neither have I actually), but I have always loved the theater plays that I've seen and I also love musicals for the most part. I just want her to have fun and enjoy it.

So I guess that's about all for now. I hope that tomorrow I am feeling a bit better and that my body has some energy. It really does suck to feel like your body is just a lifeless husk. Bother.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Bruce Lee Kicked my Ass

Once again it's been quite a while since I've been here. No excuses; it's just the way it is. Last year I was working with a therapist that I called "Rhea" who was appointed to me from the cancer center. She met with me a few times and told me that she wanted me to journal again and so I did. Eventually she just never returned my call or set up a new appointment and so that ended that. Honestly ya'll, I didn't do anything really crazy at all! She had asked me about religious beliefs and I honestly told her a little bit about my beliefs and well....... I guess that severed that link. How someone can call themselves a therapist and then cut off anyone who isn't Christian like them is beyond me, but what can you do?

So from that point on, well almost a year I guess, I've been dealing with things myself. Some things have been better and some have been much worse. Last month I decided to ask my doctor at the clinic to refer me to one of the therapists there and she did. Luckily my new therapist is pretty damn cool and she seems to not be threatened or frightened of my outlooks on life. Hah! She wanted me to journal again too so here I am. We'll name her "Lois" in honor of Achelois, (a moon Goddess whose name meant 'she who washes away pain').

What's been happening in my world, you might ask. I'm still attempting to finish school and am officially a senior according to the college. I've tried to find a job and put in a good many applications but due to the physical restrictions there just hasn't been anything that I'm qualified for. And those that I could physically do require a degree that I don't have yet. So yeah... catch 22! I've been living off of my school loans and I've been selling a lot of my shit to pay bills. I guess I'm lucky that I saved up all kinds of stuff for years in preparation of moving and having my own place. It's just stuff.... some of it is hard to let go because of the dreams I had tied up with them, but for the most part I let it go because I know those dreams are gone now and things have changed so much. When it's time to create new dreams then I'll just start anew. I'm not the same person that I was so there's no point in holding onto those old things. Needless to say, things have been pretty tight some weeks.

I'm still dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. Lois says that I have depression. Well duh. I've been depressed all of my life, (well at least since about the age of 10). At this point, after 30 years of feeling damaged inside, I'm pretty much a pro at hiding it behind a happy mask. She told me that I seem to be a pretty positive person and I'm usually happy. That makes me feel a little proud and a little disturbed. Proud, because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Disturbed because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Yep that's me. All kinds of double edge sword ninja tricks. Bruce Lee totally kicked my ass.

What's changed other than me? I've had to let some relationships go or at least cool off drastically. I really had no choice in this. It was either take that step or continue letting them hurt me because either they A) didn't care about me in the first place, or B) they were too selfish and decided that hurting me was a way to get me to do what they wanted or to make themselves feel superior. So for the most part I stay at home alone and hang out. From time to time I'll venture out and hang with my friends Bobby, Dawn, and Sam. We have a good time together and none of us are trying to use the other for some reason or another. We all help each other out when we need it and I'm so grateful for their friendships. It's nice to have people that understand that real friendships are a give and take and not just a take take take take with no give. But other than that it's just me. It's pretty lonely and sometimes I have trouble with that so I try to make the most of it.

I turned 40 last month. I never thought I'd live to 40. Not in a million years did I believe that. Honestly, many days I wish I hadn't lived to 40. I promised my Mom a long time ago that as long as she was alive I wouldn't hurt myself, and because I love her so much I have done my best to keep that promise. She deserves so much and that is the only real thing that I can give her. However, that doesn't keep me from hoping some days that I would just not wake up. If I die naturally it would still hurt her I know but there's nothing I can really do about that and at least she would know I kept my word. Not trying to sound morbid, mind you. It's just the honest truth of how I feel. I don't mind taking a shower in a thunderstorm now because if lightning hits me it's not really that big of a deal. How's that for fucked up?! HAH!

One day at a time. That's how I tend to get by at the moment. I try to just get through this day. Some days it's much, much harder than others.

I suppose one of the biggest issues for me right now is dealing with the loss of possibilities. I had always wanted to have kids I think, even though I didn't realize quite what I was feeling until I was much older. There was some part of me that knew that it was probably better that I didn't have kids because our family line really needed to end with me and my brother, (he's totally in agreement with that as well). Our family is far too fucked up to pass the same cycles down to another generation. It is better to end with us. Knowing that doesn't change those feelings, however, and as a woman I think it's embedded in our DNA to have that desire to reproduce.

I've always loved kids and have always wanted to have a child, as well as to make my Mom a Grandma. Even though I knew that the odds were 99% against having a kid, up until the cancer there was always that slight possibility that it could happen. (Now other than the health issues, there were a VAST amount of mental and emotional roadblocks to that ever happening... but the heart wants what the heart wants and logic need not apply.) After the cancer surgery though, all of that was gone. I don't feel as though my 'womanhood' is gone as some I've talked to feel; I just feel that the chances and possibilities were ripped away from me. As one lady told me, it's like I'm grieving the death of the child that I never was able to have. It feels like a death and a loss. It feels like grieving the life that never was to be. I don't know how else to explain it, and I know it doesn't make sense to anyone whose never felt the same. How can someone mourn what never was? But there it is folks; there's this huge, gaping black hole in the soul. And what is a black hole? To use one definition they are: "A region of space having a gravitational field so intense that no matter, light, or radiation can escape." To use another definition they are: "A place where people or things, especially money, disappear without trace." And there you have it. The black hole in my life has caused the possibilities to disappear without a trace with no trace of light escaping.

It is hard to explain these feelings to anyone else, so I really don't talk about them. I've tried to explain them to those who are close to me but they choose to either ignore or dismiss them. For example, I've had one friend that I've known since I was about 18 years old. We've never lived near each other, (we met in a chatroom), but I've visited her a couple of times in person and we stay in touch over the phone almost every day. I love her to death. She has never wanted children and in fact she has always been adamant about not wanting kids. Two years ago she got pregnant and was a little upset about it, however she is Catholic and doesn't believe in abortion so she decided to have the baby. Now don't get me wrong; I'm extremely happy for her that she had her little girl and doesn't regret it now - but I still have to listen to her almost every day complain about her kid. She loves her; but she also complains a LOT about it. I don't mind letting her vent, but quite often she makes remarks like, "Oh you're so lucky that you don't have to worry about kids" or, "Be happy that you'll never have to deal with a kid", etc. There are numerous other comments like that, but you get the general idea. Hearing those things cuts me to the bone, and what's worse is that she knows how it makes me feel. I've told her that they really hurt me because I'll never have that chance, but she still makes those comments often. I just don't say anything anymore; it's easier that way because people don't get it. They don't try to get it. They don't understand how sometimes seeing a pretty baby in the store or on TV can rip that wound open anew. Hell, I was almost in tears the other day sitting outside the pharmacy waiting for medication because I was sitting directly across from the baby aisle with all those kids on the diaper boxes staring out. I know... crazy right?!

So, yeah... you feel like a failure as a woman. And for me, it makes me angry and resentful towards myself for making my life such a mess that I never was able to realize the opportunity of having a family. It makes me hate myself even more because once again, my fucked up mental and emotional situations controlled my life and stole those things from it.  Add all of that anger, resentment, hatred, grief, sense of loss, pain, failure, and anxiety together and some days it is quite crippling. Some days it's hard to even make it to the bathroom and get a shower, or make myself eat. (Imagine that, a fat girl who finds it hard to eat!)

And on that note I think I'm going to end that post here. If I dwell on it too much it just depresses me even more and I don't really want to wallow in it tonight. :) Here's to hoping for a decent tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Panic on the dance floor

Just kidding. There's no dance floor. hah.
You know I am trying to deal with a small panic attack right now. Allergies started messing with me a couple weeks ago and I've been sick as crap since then. I'm fighting to keep it from going into my lungs and settling more than it already has. Tonight I haven't been able to sleep any b/c of not being able to breathe well and my body going into little panic attacks every time I try to doze off because of it. Such a pain in the arse.

Also dealing with some anxiety due to money issues. You know, I'm not perfect. I know that I spend way too much money on things like grabbing food when I'm out or picking up a new book from time to time. I may go to a movie once in a while or spend extra on gas because I decided to ride around just to get out of the house. These are things that I really need to stop but at the same time I feel like you have to live a little bit or else why be alive at all? I guess it's gonna have to stop though. I'm starting to stress again. I got denied for SSID. They stated that my medical problems were severe enough for me not to be able to work but that it isn't severe enough to not work in 12 months. I don't quite understand their logic but I know that denial is the common result one gets. Seeing as how my medical problems have no cure and I've already had them for over a year I don't know how they figure they'll improve in 12 months but OK........ what do they expect me to do right now even if I was able to return to work in 12 months time? Thank goodness I have a tiny emergency stash for my rent and I'll try to sell some more stuff to help with rent. I've already sold almost all of my movies, games, books and stuff. Hopefully that will push me through to my lease end. From there I'm not sure. I'll go back to trying to get a job that will work around the medical issues although from past experience I never even got to the interview portion where I had to explain them. For the few interviews that I did get called in for as soon as they saw me there was some comment made or excuse given as to why I wouldn't be a good fit for the job. If all else fails I'll pack what I really want to keep into a storage building and live out of my car for a bit. Many people have done it, I guess I can too.

Ok, my pity party is done. Just needed to get it out so I can move on. My head hurts from stress and I'm just reaching the point again where I don't really care; what will be, will be. Maybe this is what is supposed to be and everything happens for a reason right! Yep. :)
I guess I'll try to focus on positive things and hope that things will work out for the best.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Allergies be Damned!

Yes, this image represents me well at the moment. Allergies are totally kicking my ass. I think it's quite humorous that only two weeks ago, I had to have a spirometry test done on my lungs. When I was actually in better shape than normal and could breathe. Immediately after it was done, BOOM!!! My lungs start showing out. Then the allergies kicked in and ugh. Yep, this is why fall is my favorite season.

Did I mention I got yet another bill for $39,000 today? I've done everything that they've asked me to do at the hospital and yet apparently it's still not enough. I was pretty much told before surgery that because I had hospital sponsorship that it should be covered..... now, not so much. Who knows what they want now. They might just have to be happy getting 5 bucks a month for the rest of my life. I'm tired of stressing over how to pay for all the medical bills. And this is why I never did get to go to the doctor.

So I went home to visit the parental units last weekend. It was very surreal and very unexpected. I went in Friday, and as always I told my Mom that I had no clue how long I'd be staying (it hinges on how my Dad is acting). The last time I'd went home I was officially in the house for less than two minutes and he was bitching me out over things that I had nothing to do with, nor had any control over. Needless to say that whenever I head home the three hour ride is always spent preparing myself as best I can mentally for what's to come. My entire family has daddy issues due to living with him and his wickedness and even at 38 years old I haven't figured out just how to successfully tune him out. Usually the entire time I'm there is spent either out going somewhere with my Mom or hidden in her bedroom, only really leaving it to go to the bathroom or getting something to drink from the kitchen. My entire life we all spent our time in an effort to avoid being in the same room with him. It's really quite sad and dysfunctional.

With that said, I went the country route in and so it took me about five hours instead of three. I just wanted to meander really. When I got there I walked in and he was sitting at the table. He turned around, hugged me and said hello. I was in a stupor. It sounds pretty normal right?? Nothing for anyone to go into shock over. Well believe me; this was a shock moment for me. This was NOT normal. I mean to lay it out there......... My health is pretty shitty. So when I got diagnosed with cancer and went home to tell my parents, and was having surgery in two weeks to remove all my female parts the doctors had made it clear that with my bad health there's always a risk that I might not make it off the table. There's always a risk. My Dad had been an ass the entire time I was there, and when I was leaving my Mother says to him, "This might be the last time you see her if something happens. She could die on the table you know...." (She was a little pissed at him and that's why she said it that way.) He didn't even look at us; just kept watching tv, shrugged his shoulders and said "Whatever." And that folks, is pretty much the way he always acts. So when he hugs me and smiles when I walk in, it's a rare thing.

I ended up staying until Tuesday morning. The entire time he was in a good mood and we all got along and even talked some. He made us dinner Saturday. He never really bitched about anything the entire time I was there. He didn't talk nasty or hateful. I felt like the pod people had descended and taken his body over. It was very odd. He hugged me when I was leaving and said he loved me. WTF?? It was a super nice departure. I don't know why, or how things were different; I'm just glad they were. But I have to admit..... it's times like this that really deliver the biggest mind fuck. Like your brain just doesn't know how to quite comprehend what's happening. Strange.

So it's Friday night and here I sit watching Betty White on the James Corden show. She's been alive longer than sliced bread has been around. Seriously; they just said it. Wow. The things she's seen. The changes that she's witnessed. I hope my next life has as much adventure as she's had in this one. Some friends invited me to go to a club with them tonight to see a drag show but honestly I just wasn't in the mood. I am feeling pretty exhausted and sore just from coughing; though I do feel better today than I did yesterday. This weekend I just want to veg out and relax and give my body time to feel better. Maybe I'm just old lol. I don't have the desire to go out and do a bunch of partying or anything now. It takes to long to recuperate and I just feel so horrible afterwards.

I'm kinda tired now. I've taken Benadryl. I think I'll leave you with a rather cute meme I saw. I do so love my sharks........ Good night!

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

On dreams, time and the brain.

Life is funny. One day can seem to draw out for an eternity; each second seeming to last longer than the last. And then there are times where you blink and the day is over. As someone who thinks that time isn't just some linear, finite concept; it's pretty apparent that the passing of time is subject to emotional state. It reminds me of Star Trek, when Picard's lady friend slowed the passing of time.

So then the argument is, does she slow time itself or does she slow their perception of time passing? In either case, the outcome is the same. I've often wondered if our existence rang true in our waking hours or in our dreams. In dreams, we are not bound by the same limitations as we are in wakefulness. To me then, this tends to make me think that it is our limitless selves that are in a truer state of being. In dreams we are free of all fetters that normally keep us trapped to our mortal lots. In dreams I think we experience time in it's truer state as well. To me time is more like a coil that wraps back upon itself time and time again. At times we are able to glimpse other parts of the coil and it's at these times that we have moments of deja'vu or intuition or prophetic visions and dreams.

With all of the technology and abilities we have in our modern times.... yet still science is truly not able to explain what happens while we are sleeping. They can track how the neurons fire in the brain and what parts are most active. They can see how our various body parts slow down and heal themselves. But dreams....... the worlds in which we exist in while we slumber; it's all theories and guesswork for the most part. We don't know, for certain, if our very lives aren't layers of dreams atop one another. I have often woken up from a dream inside of a dream and felt like I was fighting to 'really wake up' and climb up through those layers. There's no way to know if we aren't living this life in a dream at this very moment. It's one reason why I loved the movie "The Matrix". I think it's why so many people connected with the same movie. It's the thought of, "What if this is all illusion?"

I really do feel most of the time that this is all illusion. That may make me sound crazy; it matters not. I have always felt that this physical body is only a 'meat suit' and that it is not what makes me. This body, this heart, this brain..... it is not who I am, no more than a lamp and lightbulb is electricity. Just like the lamp and the light bulb carry the current of electricity; the body, heart and brain are conduits for the soul. To me the soul and spirit are intertwined although I realize that to some they are the same and to others they are completely separate. The soul, in my opinion, is what makes you you.... it is the part that gives you personality and self-awareness. It is the 'charge' that animates your body. It is the battery terminal that allows the connection between the engine (spirit) and the machine (body). The spirit is the part of you that holds divinity; the part that connects you to the All, the Creator, God, Goddess... however you choose to see the divine. Looking at it this way, you can be alive and have a dead spirit.... I've seen this sometimes when looking at killers or those that have been through extreme torture. (I usually say that the person has 'dead eyes'.) I believe that the spirit can come alive again through experiences and lots of hard work. But if the soul is gone; well then nothing remains but the meat suit.

Why does any of that have to do with anything you might ask? In talking on dreams and why I say that it is, in my opinion, a truer form of being is that it is in dreams that the spirit and soul exist without being bound by the body. Without these limitations time really has no meaning because the soul and spirit are infinite and immortal; time then has no hold over anything. There is no 'passing of time' in dreams as you can instantly be here or there, then or now, or all of the above at once. And in dreams it's lovely because no matter how crazy things seem, they always make sense at that moment in the dream. How awesome it would be if our minds could work that way in the 'waking' hours. This is why genius borderlines insanity; because the passageways in the mind of a genius which usually inhibit the true strength of the soul/spirit to be fully present are different than in those of 'normal' folk.

Follow this train of thought....If the brain is the 'road' that the soul/spirit must travel down to fully inhabit and animate the body, perhaps it has 'gates' along the way (much like toll booths) that are put in place to keep from overwhelming the machine. This would be very similar to how resistors are used in electrical components to keep the voltage from overwhelming and blowing the circuits. People whose brains work differently may have defective or absent resistors. By having the 'full current' of the soul/spirit with no resistors rocketing through the brain, this could cause various affects....... It could create a genius, who perhaps has just enough resistance to keep them from suffering insanity, but yet allows purely innovative and creative thought and ideas. It could create an atmosphere in the mind where the soul/spirit flow is so strong that the 'flap' between the waking world and the dream world (also known as the world of spirit) is completely burnt out and these people have each reality bleeding into each other. (This would perfectly explain conditions like schizophrenia or delusions.) During successful meditation, intense prayer, repetition during spiritual practice, etc....  one can traverse these pathways or gates and allow unfettered bursts of soul/spirit to stream through while still being able to put the resistors back into place when it is necessary.

And that's my random thoughts for tonight. There is definitely more that ties in with these thoughts that I'll get to eventually.... but for now this post is long enough. Goodnight!