So my lovely therapist Rhea has informed me that she's still reading my blog. I suppose this is a new way to do a meeting in today's age. I think it's pretty neat actually; I can write my exact thoughts and emotions and she can get a better glimpse into my complex little mind.
This week I have a little homework to do. I'm still having some issues with anxiety, although not as bad as they were, and I'm supposed to start writing here when I am feeling anxious what the markers are. It's not a bad idea, as it will help me see what triggers I need to work on. At the moment I'm feeling ok so nothing to really report on it now. Just a little heads up in the case that I start whining about why I'm feeling worked up in the future. The more you know!!!!!!!! heh
So I just found this nifty thing online that I'd like to share..... There are actually a few courses offered online from MIT that are free. How awesome is that?! Among the courses are things like Intro to psychology, Creating video games, Learning Italian while cooking, The early universe, and Intro to Quantum physics. I don't have the time to start anything else right now BUT when I do get some spare time I'm all over this. I'm so excited!!! For those who are interested here's the link:
https://www.inverse.com/article/10437-mit-s-7-best-free-online-courses-quantum-physics-and-making-video-games
Feel free to check it out. Learning is such an awesome experience. I hate that so much of it in life is unavailable due to cost restrictions.
I wish that there were some sort of group where people could go just to have in-depth conversations, even if it was only online. Unfortunately it's so hard to find a group that doesn't devolve into a haven filled with drama and that really has no real desire to further intellect and discussion. Sometimes I just yearn for that. The greatest compliment I've ever gotten is from a past Professor who told me that I was a 'modern day renaissance person' like DaVinci or Galileo. I was so blown away at that. She wasn't saying it because I am super smart like them (I can only wish!), but because I have the desire to learn about a variety of topics much like they did.
Perhaps in the future I'll find that place. My fingers are crossed. :)
I'm Just a Traveler Exploring Life...
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
I heart Enya
Strange title I know, but as I sit here one of her songs is playing in the background on the Music Choice channel (Soundscapes). Very peaceful and relaxing as her stuff usually is.
SO!! What's been going on you may wonder? Well I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog other than me, my therapist Rhea and a few random people who have stumbled accidentally here. I could regale you with tales of debauchery and depravity, but honestly I don't have the energy I once did to keep up with all those shenanigans! Memories though...... yeah, some wild ones that still make me giggle from time to time.
Nothing too exciting going on. My fridge went out and I had to throw it all away, AND I had just went grocery shopping. But I now have a brand new fridge (thanks landlord!!) and food can be replaced... so there's that. School is back in swing here in the third week. All of my classes are online this semester so at least I don't have to drive back and forth to another city in the wintry weather. Yay! We did have a little snow and ice here. So that was exciting.
Started 'classes' again with my buddy who is also a great teacher. I've studied spirituality on my own for about 25 years and have always done what felt right to me without using extravagant rituals and symbolism and have been content with that. However I'd like to learn how to do certain things just so that when I'm out and about with other folks I can participate in how they choose to do things. And it's always a good thing to learn other perspectives on things; it either opens your eyes to new ways of doing things or it reiterates your own beliefs. Either way my heart is always open to learning and I'm glad of that!
One good thing that I've noticed is that since I've picked back up my spiritual studies AND all the shit happened last year with the cancer, etc.... I have really felt myself open back up a lot lately and I'm so happy about that. I've noticed that I've been picking up on things much easier and someone has been coming around a lot more often. (Hey therapist lady, if you're reading this you may think I'm crazy at this point so you may want to skip it hehehe.) The other night during a really in depth conversation it literally felt like someone had come up behind me and was standing over me. My entire right side was tingly and chilled and it was like eyes staring at me. It happened on two different occasions and I mentioned it to my friend who said that he had seen a shadow come down the stairs the day before and could feel that someone had come into the area as we were talking that night. They then followed me home because later that morning I woke up a few times in mid-conversation with someone, and it felt like a pretty important talk that was going on.
I've missed that; that feeling of connecting and being able to pick up on energies around me. For far too long it's been blocked on my end and I think that being sick and stressed finally forced me to let go somewhat and that was the beginning of allowing spirit to trickle back in and start peeling me open again. Hallelujah! I think it's also helped that I had a discussion with another friend that reminded me of what it felt like to feel an outside presence internalized. It's not a bad thing; it's just something that you have to learn to work with and through while at the same time retaining your own core and self. It's a balancing job sometimes but it can be done successfully. It's really about giving up just enough control as to be fluid in the process, but keeping enough control so that you aren't lost and caught up with no capability to ground. That will make sense to those that need it I suppose. It's a hard thing to explain to those that haven't felt it; and usually they just end up thinking that you're either delusional, schizophrenic, psychotic or just strung out.
Also had an interesting experience while meditating. Now, I'm the first one to admit that I suck at meditation. I mean royally. My mind has such a hard time slowing down that it takes me forever and usually I end up falling asleep instead of being successful haha. This is probably why I'd benefit the most from meditating though right? Anyway, I was meditating one day a couple weeks ago and going into it I was thinking about Goddess energy. To everyone who knows me I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I've always been more in touch with the projective, God energy rather than the receptive Goddess energies. Part of this is because the energies I've worked with have been primarily identified as male (although I am well aware that there are no true gender roles where spirit is concerned). So I went into meditation asking the male/God energy that I'm most familiar with to help me find a Goddess that I could feel comfortable working with while trying to connect more with the feminine side of deity. Needless to say it wasn't long before I 'saw' him walking into focus with a woman who I was able to recognize and get the name for. So it was a success!! And I now have another avenue of exploration and study to help me learn through. Sometimes things just happen when you least expect it. Ain't life grand???
SO!! What's been going on you may wonder? Well I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog other than me, my therapist Rhea and a few random people who have stumbled accidentally here. I could regale you with tales of debauchery and depravity, but honestly I don't have the energy I once did to keep up with all those shenanigans! Memories though...... yeah, some wild ones that still make me giggle from time to time.
Nothing too exciting going on. My fridge went out and I had to throw it all away, AND I had just went grocery shopping. But I now have a brand new fridge (thanks landlord!!) and food can be replaced... so there's that. School is back in swing here in the third week. All of my classes are online this semester so at least I don't have to drive back and forth to another city in the wintry weather. Yay! We did have a little snow and ice here. So that was exciting.
Started 'classes' again with my buddy who is also a great teacher. I've studied spirituality on my own for about 25 years and have always done what felt right to me without using extravagant rituals and symbolism and have been content with that. However I'd like to learn how to do certain things just so that when I'm out and about with other folks I can participate in how they choose to do things. And it's always a good thing to learn other perspectives on things; it either opens your eyes to new ways of doing things or it reiterates your own beliefs. Either way my heart is always open to learning and I'm glad of that!
One good thing that I've noticed is that since I've picked back up my spiritual studies AND all the shit happened last year with the cancer, etc.... I have really felt myself open back up a lot lately and I'm so happy about that. I've noticed that I've been picking up on things much easier and someone has been coming around a lot more often. (Hey therapist lady, if you're reading this you may think I'm crazy at this point so you may want to skip it hehehe.) The other night during a really in depth conversation it literally felt like someone had come up behind me and was standing over me. My entire right side was tingly and chilled and it was like eyes staring at me. It happened on two different occasions and I mentioned it to my friend who said that he had seen a shadow come down the stairs the day before and could feel that someone had come into the area as we were talking that night. They then followed me home because later that morning I woke up a few times in mid-conversation with someone, and it felt like a pretty important talk that was going on.
I've missed that; that feeling of connecting and being able to pick up on energies around me. For far too long it's been blocked on my end and I think that being sick and stressed finally forced me to let go somewhat and that was the beginning of allowing spirit to trickle back in and start peeling me open again. Hallelujah! I think it's also helped that I had a discussion with another friend that reminded me of what it felt like to feel an outside presence internalized. It's not a bad thing; it's just something that you have to learn to work with and through while at the same time retaining your own core and self. It's a balancing job sometimes but it can be done successfully. It's really about giving up just enough control as to be fluid in the process, but keeping enough control so that you aren't lost and caught up with no capability to ground. That will make sense to those that need it I suppose. It's a hard thing to explain to those that haven't felt it; and usually they just end up thinking that you're either delusional, schizophrenic, psychotic or just strung out.
Also had an interesting experience while meditating. Now, I'm the first one to admit that I suck at meditation. I mean royally. My mind has such a hard time slowing down that it takes me forever and usually I end up falling asleep instead of being successful haha. This is probably why I'd benefit the most from meditating though right? Anyway, I was meditating one day a couple weeks ago and going into it I was thinking about Goddess energy. To everyone who knows me I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I've always been more in touch with the projective, God energy rather than the receptive Goddess energies. Part of this is because the energies I've worked with have been primarily identified as male (although I am well aware that there are no true gender roles where spirit is concerned). So I went into meditation asking the male/God energy that I'm most familiar with to help me find a Goddess that I could feel comfortable working with while trying to connect more with the feminine side of deity. Needless to say it wasn't long before I 'saw' him walking into focus with a woman who I was able to recognize and get the name for. So it was a success!! And I now have another avenue of exploration and study to help me learn through. Sometimes things just happen when you least expect it. Ain't life grand???
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Sunday Funday??
It's Sunday friends. Tomorrow starts a new semester of school. Luckily all my classes this term are online only, which means I don't have to worry about driving back and forth to Spartanburg for a while. That's a relief!
I'm still having some issues with insomnia but it's gotten a tad bit better. My friends pulled me into playing an online game with them and it helps to make me sleepy so I don't have quite as much trouble falling asleep. With most things like this though, being naturally an introverted person, I need to watch myself to make sure that I don't get sucked in too much so that real life falls by the wayside.
Mom was here for about two weeks through Xmas and New Years. That's always great when she's here because I don't feel so alone. So far since she's been gone I've been alright; I keep trying to become used to being alone all the time and I'm hoping that little by little I'll become more used to it.
Still having issues with anxiety as well. This is really one of the main things that's been bugging me. I think most of it stems from financial issues. I have been living off of loans and school money but they are really adding up and even with those my finances are limited. I really don't know what to do at this point. The social worker in the hospital applied for disability for myself because she said with all of the illnesses I have together it may get approved. I don't really know how to feel about this honestly. I don't want to be disabled. I don't want to just feel like I'm mooching off the government and people's taxes. I don't want to feel like I can't do something. But at the same time when she asked me the questions she did, it makes me wonder. I can't work a full day on my feet due to my neuropathy being so bothersome. But I've always had pain, for as long as I can remember.... so I'm really used to just living with pain everyday. There are a lot of physical limitations due to my weight that cuts down on a lot of jobs I could do. My COPD won't allow me to work anywhere with chemicals, lots of animals, strong smells, lots of heat or mold. I can't do too much at once that will make me breathe heavy or my lungs will start being angry. I know that these things limit my choices of what I could do. I also know that because of this it would be very hard to get hired. Hell, even without telling people about my limitations they don't want to hire an old, fat woman. LOL.
I'm thinking that whatever happens, I am going to really make a serious attempt to lose weight again. I know that it won't take these conditions away but it will definitely make me feel better and should make those conditions a little more bearable. Maybe it would give me more energy, because I really haven't had any pickup in energy since the surgery, which is very disappointing. I know I've tried a million times, and I'll try a million more until something finally works for me. If it was easy then everyone would be skinny minnies!
As soon as my lungs get semi-healthy again (please please please happen soon!) I have some craft projects I want to get started on. With them being angry right now though, the chemicals and smell from wood-burning would really kill me, even with wearing a mask. So I'm going to have to wait a little while longer.
So that's about all that's going on right now from my end. Just trying to stay inside, rest and keep my lungs somewhat happy and healing. I really don't want to have to go back to the doctors again for them as all they are going to do is tell me to use my albuterol and advair, which I'm already doing now. Wish there was something that would help clear it up quicker than those, because apparently they're not doing too much. bleah. Well here's to a great week!
I'm still having some issues with insomnia but it's gotten a tad bit better. My friends pulled me into playing an online game with them and it helps to make me sleepy so I don't have quite as much trouble falling asleep. With most things like this though, being naturally an introverted person, I need to watch myself to make sure that I don't get sucked in too much so that real life falls by the wayside.
Mom was here for about two weeks through Xmas and New Years. That's always great when she's here because I don't feel so alone. So far since she's been gone I've been alright; I keep trying to become used to being alone all the time and I'm hoping that little by little I'll become more used to it.
Still having issues with anxiety as well. This is really one of the main things that's been bugging me. I think most of it stems from financial issues. I have been living off of loans and school money but they are really adding up and even with those my finances are limited. I really don't know what to do at this point. The social worker in the hospital applied for disability for myself because she said with all of the illnesses I have together it may get approved. I don't really know how to feel about this honestly. I don't want to be disabled. I don't want to just feel like I'm mooching off the government and people's taxes. I don't want to feel like I can't do something. But at the same time when she asked me the questions she did, it makes me wonder. I can't work a full day on my feet due to my neuropathy being so bothersome. But I've always had pain, for as long as I can remember.... so I'm really used to just living with pain everyday. There are a lot of physical limitations due to my weight that cuts down on a lot of jobs I could do. My COPD won't allow me to work anywhere with chemicals, lots of animals, strong smells, lots of heat or mold. I can't do too much at once that will make me breathe heavy or my lungs will start being angry. I know that these things limit my choices of what I could do. I also know that because of this it would be very hard to get hired. Hell, even without telling people about my limitations they don't want to hire an old, fat woman. LOL.
I'm thinking that whatever happens, I am going to really make a serious attempt to lose weight again. I know that it won't take these conditions away but it will definitely make me feel better and should make those conditions a little more bearable. Maybe it would give me more energy, because I really haven't had any pickup in energy since the surgery, which is very disappointing. I know I've tried a million times, and I'll try a million more until something finally works for me. If it was easy then everyone would be skinny minnies!
As soon as my lungs get semi-healthy again (please please please happen soon!) I have some craft projects I want to get started on. With them being angry right now though, the chemicals and smell from wood-burning would really kill me, even with wearing a mask. So I'm going to have to wait a little while longer.
So that's about all that's going on right now from my end. Just trying to stay inside, rest and keep my lungs somewhat happy and healing. I really don't want to have to go back to the doctors again for them as all they are going to do is tell me to use my albuterol and advair, which I'm already doing now. Wish there was something that would help clear it up quicker than those, because apparently they're not doing too much. bleah. Well here's to a great week!
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Update
Well, funny I wrote my last post just today and then fell into a talk about this very thing tonight. As it turns out, I think Goddess pushed me into the corner tonight for a reason, so that I could get it out of me. I think it was therapeutic for the others there as well, as we also talked about some things they're dealing with. I feel better. And I'm proud of the fact that I said it, even through the tears, instead of holding it in. Yay for speaking my truth in the new year. Goodnight.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Ready for a New Year!
Happy New Year everyone!
I don't know about the rest of you but 2015 for me was by far one of the most difficult of my life. I'm so ready and happy to have it behind me and to be looking at a new time. May this new year be full of happiness, positivity, growth and change.
As I've stated in the past few posts (and forgive me for whining but this is my designated therapy-session mandated venting area lol), the insomnia and anxiety have really been affecting my moods the past month or so. In researching I'm also wondering if it doesn't have something to do with my body being thrown into surgical menopause and hormones being removed suddenly. In any case, I'm well aware that over this time I've been very quick tempered/easy to get upset and so I've been limiting my access to those things that may get me upset. But because of being aware of my emotions being super sensitive it's also made me aware of the actions of others in my life and how they affect me.
Lately I've been noticing that some of those people in my life who I've felt close to in the past don't feel as close anymore. Some of their actions have been repeatedly hurtful, mean spirited, and just downright disrespectful. It saddens me that they have made this their way of communicating. In thinking about it, it makes me wonder if they had acted that way all along or if my awareness had just started allowing me to see things more clearly. The truth is I'm not sure. I read something earlier that gave me pause to think...... here's what it says,
"We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends... and they are attracted to us. ...because they are like us. On a subconscious level, we're all emitting vibes that can be picked up by those around us. When our vibes are similar to those of a friend, we enjoy being around each other and we get along well with that person. But when our vibes are no longer in sync, we feel distant from the person and the friendship no longer feels good."
Now I've been through this once in my life before with a close friend and it was quite painful for both of us, but for my own mental and emotional health I felt the need to distance myself. Although I loved my friend dearly, it was obvious that the relationship was just toxic to us both. We still speak occasionally and I still love her like a sister but we both know that it will never be like it was, and that's ok. That part of our lives changed us, hopefully for the better, but that time has passed.
Unfortunately I feel like I'm walking towards that ledge again and it still sucks and hurts. But I also know that this is spirit telling me that the current relationships are in jeopardy of becoming more harmful than beneficial and that I have to respect myself and not let this happen. If someone who is supposed to be your friend constantly disrespects you, puts you down and makes you feel bad then they truly don't care about you. The relationship for them is about control, power over you, and feeding their own ego. It really has nothing to do with you at all, except you allow them to usurp it over you.
So this new year starts with the realization that once again, this may be a painful year of change. With this change though comes growth and I understand that if I can survive the loneliness that I have a great shot of coming out on the other side a much stronger person. It's never easy, and I know it's going to be a hard road to walk. Honestly I don't quite know right now how I'm going to deal with this or what kind of outlets I can find to keep from building up all sorts of anxieties and depression that will come with it. (I'm still trying to figure out how to cleanse out the ones I'm already dealing with lol.) I'm going to try though; be patient with me.And that's a note to myself!! After all we are always our worst enemies.
2016.... I've decided that this is going to be a great year, and that the changes that will come (even if they're difficult and take time to complete) will bring great growth and a healthier outcome in aspects of physicality, mentality, emotions, spirituality and overall well-being.
I don't know about the rest of you but 2015 for me was by far one of the most difficult of my life. I'm so ready and happy to have it behind me and to be looking at a new time. May this new year be full of happiness, positivity, growth and change.
As I've stated in the past few posts (and forgive me for whining but this is my designated therapy-session mandated venting area lol), the insomnia and anxiety have really been affecting my moods the past month or so. In researching I'm also wondering if it doesn't have something to do with my body being thrown into surgical menopause and hormones being removed suddenly. In any case, I'm well aware that over this time I've been very quick tempered/easy to get upset and so I've been limiting my access to those things that may get me upset. But because of being aware of my emotions being super sensitive it's also made me aware of the actions of others in my life and how they affect me.
Lately I've been noticing that some of those people in my life who I've felt close to in the past don't feel as close anymore. Some of their actions have been repeatedly hurtful, mean spirited, and just downright disrespectful. It saddens me that they have made this their way of communicating. In thinking about it, it makes me wonder if they had acted that way all along or if my awareness had just started allowing me to see things more clearly. The truth is I'm not sure. I read something earlier that gave me pause to think...... here's what it says,
"We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends... and they are attracted to us. ...because they are like us. On a subconscious level, we're all emitting vibes that can be picked up by those around us. When our vibes are similar to those of a friend, we enjoy being around each other and we get along well with that person. But when our vibes are no longer in sync, we feel distant from the person and the friendship no longer feels good."
Now I've been through this once in my life before with a close friend and it was quite painful for both of us, but for my own mental and emotional health I felt the need to distance myself. Although I loved my friend dearly, it was obvious that the relationship was just toxic to us both. We still speak occasionally and I still love her like a sister but we both know that it will never be like it was, and that's ok. That part of our lives changed us, hopefully for the better, but that time has passed.
Unfortunately I feel like I'm walking towards that ledge again and it still sucks and hurts. But I also know that this is spirit telling me that the current relationships are in jeopardy of becoming more harmful than beneficial and that I have to respect myself and not let this happen. If someone who is supposed to be your friend constantly disrespects you, puts you down and makes you feel bad then they truly don't care about you. The relationship for them is about control, power over you, and feeding their own ego. It really has nothing to do with you at all, except you allow them to usurp it over you.
So this new year starts with the realization that once again, this may be a painful year of change. With this change though comes growth and I understand that if I can survive the loneliness that I have a great shot of coming out on the other side a much stronger person. It's never easy, and I know it's going to be a hard road to walk. Honestly I don't quite know right now how I'm going to deal with this or what kind of outlets I can find to keep from building up all sorts of anxieties and depression that will come with it. (I'm still trying to figure out how to cleanse out the ones I'm already dealing with lol.) I'm going to try though; be patient with me.And that's a note to myself!! After all we are always our worst enemies.
2016.... I've decided that this is going to be a great year, and that the changes that will come (even if they're difficult and take time to complete) will bring great growth and a healthier outcome in aspects of physicality, mentality, emotions, spirituality and overall well-being.
We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us. - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf
We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us. - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf
“We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us.” - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf
“We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us.” - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf
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