I hope you made it through the article. I was so excited when I found it. Makes a lot of sense, at least to me. Granted, I don't necessarily believe exactly as it does in relation to God and the religious aspect, but that part is and always will be personal interpretation.
I'm going to try to find time to start researching certain aspects of 'energy transference' such as people who have healed themselves or others, etc. Maybe we'll find something interesting there. :) If you hear of anything please feel free to email me! The addy is: concubine@gmail.com
I'm Just a Traveler Exploring Life...
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Vewy Vewy Interesting
Ok, I've had this article printed out for a long time now and I keep meaning to add it to the blog. Yep, I'm a slow ass. But here it is finally. I'm really going to try to make an effort to start updating this more often. *Fingers crossed*
Quantum Physics Saves Businesses, Entrepreneurs and Countries Worldwide
Everywhere you turn around the world today you find signs of ‘turbulent times’. The Enron collapse, the Argentinean currency crisis, the global layoffs, bankruptcies, unemployment, stock market performance and small business difficulties worldwide have everyone asking ‘what is wrong and how do we fix it?’ As if that is not enough, terror and violence near and far are grabbing us by our collars and demanding our attention and solution. We are not sure what that solution might be, but voices around the world do seem to indicate that there is an agreement that we need to understand how things work a whole lot better than we do now. Isn’t it amazing that the answer would arise out of the most unlikely places? In the study of Quantum Physics.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
CONTACT:
David Cameron Gikandi
Images of One
david@imagesofone.com
http://www.ImagesOfOne.com
Quantum Physics Saves Businesses, Entrepreneurs and Countries Worldwide
Main Beach, QLD, AUSTRALIA, Wednesday, May 15, 2002 — Everywhere you turn around the world today you find signs of ‘turbulent times’. The Enron collapse, the Argentinean currency crisis, the global layoffs, bankruptcies, unemployment, stock market performance and small business difficulties worldwide have everyone asking ‘what is wrong and how do we fix it?’ As if that is not enough, terror and violence near and far are grabbing us by our collars and demanding our attention and solution.
It almost seams as if we see that there is a solution that is very different from the way we usually handle things. We are not sure what that solution might be, but voices around the world do seem to indicate that there is an agreement that we need to understand how things work a whole lot better than we do now. Isn’t it amazing that the answer would arise out of the most unlikely places? In the study of Quantum Physics.
Quantum physics tells us that it is the act of observing an object that causes it to be there where and how we observe it. An object does not exist independently of its observer! Many Nobel Prize winning physicists have recently (starting in the 1920s) proven beyond doubt that the physical world is one large sea of energy that flashes into and out of being in a fraction of a second, over and over again. Nothing is solid. This is the world of Quantum Physics. They have proven that thoughts are what put together and hold together this ever-changing energy field into the ‘objects’ that we see.
So why do we see a person instead of a flashing cluster of energy? Think of a movie reel. A movie is a collection of about 24 frames a minute. Each frame is separated by a gap. However, because of the speed at which one frame replaces another, our eyes get cheated into thinking that we see a continuous and moving picture. Think of television. A TV tube is simply a tube with heaps of electrons hitting the screen in a certain way, creating the illusion of form and motion. This is what all objects are anyway. You have 5 physical senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste). Each of those senses has a specific spectrum (for example, a dog hears a different range of sound than you do; a snake sees a different spectrum of light than you do; and so on). In other words, your set of senses perceives the sea of energy from a certain limited standpoint and makes up an image from that. It is not complete, nor is it accurate. It is just an interpretation.
Our thoughts are linked to this energy and they determine what the energy forms. This explains things such as positive thinking, prayer, faith, creativity, goal-setting, disease, and much more in a very scientific way. Your thoughts literally shift the universe on a particle-by-particle basis to create your physical life. Look around you. Everything you see started as an idea, an idea that grew as it was shared and expressed, until it grew enough into a physical object through any number of ‘manufacturing’ or ‘growth’ steps. You literally become what you think about most. Your life becomes what you have imagined and believed in most. The world is literally your mirror, enabling you to experience in the physical plane what you hold as your truth – until you change it. You know this to be true internally, and so do most people and that is why people know instinctively that positive thinking works.
Quantum physics shows you that the world is not the hard and unchangeable thing it may appear to be. Instead, it is a very fluid place continuously built up using our individual and collective thoughts and states of being as a society, country, family, planet, solar system, or universe. We have begun to uncover the illusion.
What is your body made of? Tissues and organs. What are tissues and organs made of? Cells. What are cells made of? Molecules. What are molecules made of? Atoms. What are atoms made of? Sub-atomic particles. What are sub-atomic particles made of? Energy? No. They are not made of energy; they are energy. You are one big ‘chunk’ of energy. And so is everything else. Spirit and Mind puts together this energy into the physical shape you are used to seeing with your limited set of senses. If you go into a high-tech lab right now and ask them to let you see yourself under a powerful electron microscope and conduct other experiments on yourself, you will see that you are made up of a cluster of ever-changing energy in the form of electrons, neutrons, photons and so on. And so is your wallet, your spouse, your car, and everything else.
Energy is the sub-atomic particles that come together to ‘make up’ atoms, which come together to ‘make up’ matter. Matter is energy. Matter is not converted energy, it is energy. Ever heard of Einstein’s equation, E=mc2? What it means is that any piece of matter of mass m is energy that can be calculated by multiplying that mass by the speed of light squared (what a large number!). You are literally made up of light, the same stuff light is made of (hence the Bible and many other spiritual texts tell us that light was the first thing to be created). Scientifically speaking, this energy exists as waves spread out over space and time. Only when you exercise observation do these waves become particles localized as a space-time event, a particle at a particular ‘time’ and ‘space’. As soon as you withdraw observation, they become a wave again. So, as you can see, your observation, your attention to something, and your intention, literally creates that thing as a space-time event. This is scientific. Even your relationships with other people are governed this way by unfailing laws of cause and effect.
Your world is made of spirit, mind and body. Each of those three, spirit, mind and body, has a function that is unique to it and not shared with the other. What you see with your eyes and experience with your body is the physical world, which we shall call Body. Body is an effect, created by a cause. This cause is Thought. Body cannot create. It can only experience and be experienced – that is its unique function. Thought cannot experience – it can only make up, create and interpret. It needs a world of relativity (the physical world, Body) to experience itself. Spirit is All That Is, that which gives Life to Thought and Body. Body has no power to create, although it gives the illusion of power to do so. This illusion is the cause of much frustration.
In the beginning, The Source of All That Is, God, had a Thought, a Will. God had an Idea, a Thought, a Will that you Become, and so you were. You are an extension of God’s Thought, God’s Will. Because you are an extension, you are exactly created in God’s Own Image and Likeness. Not physically, no, but your Self, your Spirit, is in God’s Image and Likeness. God’s Thought has infinite creative ability, and You being an extension of God’s Thought, your Thought has the same power. That is why you can achieve whatever you believe, and even right now as we speak you are achieving exactly what you believe in most. This rule is never broken. The only differences between you and God are that: (i) you have forgotten What You Really Are but you are now remembering and (ii) God created you in God’s own image and likeness but you did not create God (same as a parent and child on earth). In that forgetting, you have let your thoughts ‘run wild’ and have fear and worry, and out of that they create a world that is composed of exactly the things you fear and worry about. And because you are unaware you are at cause, you think there is such a thing as an idle thought that has no effect, and that conditions just happen to you without your control. Yet if you watch your thoughts closely, you will never fail to discover that you often daydream thousands of negative, worrisome, attacking and petty thoughts that very closely mirror what you experience. Watch your thoughts and you will see this to be true. Your world is literally arising from your thoughts and beliefs. There is no such thing as an idle thought. Every thought is a cause that has an effect at some level.
Because you are an extension of God’s Thought, with unlimited power just like His Thought, and because, as you have seen, science has proven that the physical world is actually a collection of energy that arranges itself according to Thought, the following statements are forever true to you:
1. You have free will, always.
2. Ask and you shall receive, always.
3. Seek and you shall find, always.
4. Knock and it shall be opened unto you, always.
5. You can achieve anything you believe, always.
These may not appear to be true to you, or at least not always. But they are. Seeking is the same as finding. If you find yourself finding what you think that you are not seeking, watch yourself deeper. You will discover that at the very deepest level, you are seeking exactly what you find. For example, if you feel that you are finding conflict and poverty while you think that you seek peace and wealth, dig deeper and honestly and you will find that your root belief is that you are under attack, you are capable of being attacked, and you live in a world of scarcity where failure is to be feared. Dig deep, be honest, then change your root thought about a thing and it shall change, always. Your world always proceeds out of your deepest intentions for it. Achieving is the same as believing. You are the Way and the Truth of your world, and it follows you.
Your ideas, visions and dreams, whatever they may be, are the prophecies of what you shall one day become and achieve. You can predict your outer life tomorrow by looking at your inner self today. You can change your tomorrow by changing your inner self today.
Although this outlook is rather new to the world, it has already started making positive impacts everywhere. One book that explains all this very well is the book ‘A Happy Pocket Full of Money’. Readers, such as Dr. Odhiambo, a radiologist, are saying the book is “fantastic. It is a unification of Deepak Chopra and quantum physics. Very well written … that is where the whole world is going these days… they [wealth] come from the source. That is the theme of the book”. It is a totally different yet simplistically logical way of seeing things and creating our lives. Yet even our oldest religions confirm that such a view of the world and our position in it is valid. For example, the Bible has in it passages that refer to us as having been created in the image and likeness of God, and even before we ask it has been given to us, and when we seek we find. Jesus also says on one occasion that anything is possible if you believe it, and goes even further to say on another occasion “have I not said that ye are gods’. It is as if all along our different religions were trying to point out that we do make our lives up, literally and very directly. And this is a very liberating thought.
Quantum Physics Saves Businesses, Entrepreneurs and Countries Worldwide
Everywhere you turn around the world today you find signs of ‘turbulent times’. The Enron collapse, the Argentinean currency crisis, the global layoffs, bankruptcies, unemployment, stock market performance and small business difficulties worldwide have everyone asking ‘what is wrong and how do we fix it?’ As if that is not enough, terror and violence near and far are grabbing us by our collars and demanding our attention and solution. We are not sure what that solution might be, but voices around the world do seem to indicate that there is an agreement that we need to understand how things work a whole lot better than we do now. Isn’t it amazing that the answer would arise out of the most unlikely places? In the study of Quantum Physics.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
CONTACT:
David Cameron Gikandi
Images of One
david@imagesofone.com
http://www.ImagesOfOne.com
Quantum Physics Saves Businesses, Entrepreneurs and Countries Worldwide
Main Beach, QLD, AUSTRALIA, Wednesday, May 15, 2002 — Everywhere you turn around the world today you find signs of ‘turbulent times’. The Enron collapse, the Argentinean currency crisis, the global layoffs, bankruptcies, unemployment, stock market performance and small business difficulties worldwide have everyone asking ‘what is wrong and how do we fix it?’ As if that is not enough, terror and violence near and far are grabbing us by our collars and demanding our attention and solution.
It almost seams as if we see that there is a solution that is very different from the way we usually handle things. We are not sure what that solution might be, but voices around the world do seem to indicate that there is an agreement that we need to understand how things work a whole lot better than we do now. Isn’t it amazing that the answer would arise out of the most unlikely places? In the study of Quantum Physics.
Quantum physics tells us that it is the act of observing an object that causes it to be there where and how we observe it. An object does not exist independently of its observer! Many Nobel Prize winning physicists have recently (starting in the 1920s) proven beyond doubt that the physical world is one large sea of energy that flashes into and out of being in a fraction of a second, over and over again. Nothing is solid. This is the world of Quantum Physics. They have proven that thoughts are what put together and hold together this ever-changing energy field into the ‘objects’ that we see.
So why do we see a person instead of a flashing cluster of energy? Think of a movie reel. A movie is a collection of about 24 frames a minute. Each frame is separated by a gap. However, because of the speed at which one frame replaces another, our eyes get cheated into thinking that we see a continuous and moving picture. Think of television. A TV tube is simply a tube with heaps of electrons hitting the screen in a certain way, creating the illusion of form and motion. This is what all objects are anyway. You have 5 physical senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste). Each of those senses has a specific spectrum (for example, a dog hears a different range of sound than you do; a snake sees a different spectrum of light than you do; and so on). In other words, your set of senses perceives the sea of energy from a certain limited standpoint and makes up an image from that. It is not complete, nor is it accurate. It is just an interpretation.
Our thoughts are linked to this energy and they determine what the energy forms. This explains things such as positive thinking, prayer, faith, creativity, goal-setting, disease, and much more in a very scientific way. Your thoughts literally shift the universe on a particle-by-particle basis to create your physical life. Look around you. Everything you see started as an idea, an idea that grew as it was shared and expressed, until it grew enough into a physical object through any number of ‘manufacturing’ or ‘growth’ steps. You literally become what you think about most. Your life becomes what you have imagined and believed in most. The world is literally your mirror, enabling you to experience in the physical plane what you hold as your truth – until you change it. You know this to be true internally, and so do most people and that is why people know instinctively that positive thinking works.
Quantum physics shows you that the world is not the hard and unchangeable thing it may appear to be. Instead, it is a very fluid place continuously built up using our individual and collective thoughts and states of being as a society, country, family, planet, solar system, or universe. We have begun to uncover the illusion.
What is your body made of? Tissues and organs. What are tissues and organs made of? Cells. What are cells made of? Molecules. What are molecules made of? Atoms. What are atoms made of? Sub-atomic particles. What are sub-atomic particles made of? Energy? No. They are not made of energy; they are energy. You are one big ‘chunk’ of energy. And so is everything else. Spirit and Mind puts together this energy into the physical shape you are used to seeing with your limited set of senses. If you go into a high-tech lab right now and ask them to let you see yourself under a powerful electron microscope and conduct other experiments on yourself, you will see that you are made up of a cluster of ever-changing energy in the form of electrons, neutrons, photons and so on. And so is your wallet, your spouse, your car, and everything else.
Energy is the sub-atomic particles that come together to ‘make up’ atoms, which come together to ‘make up’ matter. Matter is energy. Matter is not converted energy, it is energy. Ever heard of Einstein’s equation, E=mc2? What it means is that any piece of matter of mass m is energy that can be calculated by multiplying that mass by the speed of light squared (what a large number!). You are literally made up of light, the same stuff light is made of (hence the Bible and many other spiritual texts tell us that light was the first thing to be created). Scientifically speaking, this energy exists as waves spread out over space and time. Only when you exercise observation do these waves become particles localized as a space-time event, a particle at a particular ‘time’ and ‘space’. As soon as you withdraw observation, they become a wave again. So, as you can see, your observation, your attention to something, and your intention, literally creates that thing as a space-time event. This is scientific. Even your relationships with other people are governed this way by unfailing laws of cause and effect.
Your world is made of spirit, mind and body. Each of those three, spirit, mind and body, has a function that is unique to it and not shared with the other. What you see with your eyes and experience with your body is the physical world, which we shall call Body. Body is an effect, created by a cause. This cause is Thought. Body cannot create. It can only experience and be experienced – that is its unique function. Thought cannot experience – it can only make up, create and interpret. It needs a world of relativity (the physical world, Body) to experience itself. Spirit is All That Is, that which gives Life to Thought and Body. Body has no power to create, although it gives the illusion of power to do so. This illusion is the cause of much frustration.
In the beginning, The Source of All That Is, God, had a Thought, a Will. God had an Idea, a Thought, a Will that you Become, and so you were. You are an extension of God’s Thought, God’s Will. Because you are an extension, you are exactly created in God’s Own Image and Likeness. Not physically, no, but your Self, your Spirit, is in God’s Image and Likeness. God’s Thought has infinite creative ability, and You being an extension of God’s Thought, your Thought has the same power. That is why you can achieve whatever you believe, and even right now as we speak you are achieving exactly what you believe in most. This rule is never broken. The only differences between you and God are that: (i) you have forgotten What You Really Are but you are now remembering and (ii) God created you in God’s own image and likeness but you did not create God (same as a parent and child on earth). In that forgetting, you have let your thoughts ‘run wild’ and have fear and worry, and out of that they create a world that is composed of exactly the things you fear and worry about. And because you are unaware you are at cause, you think there is such a thing as an idle thought that has no effect, and that conditions just happen to you without your control. Yet if you watch your thoughts closely, you will never fail to discover that you often daydream thousands of negative, worrisome, attacking and petty thoughts that very closely mirror what you experience. Watch your thoughts and you will see this to be true. Your world is literally arising from your thoughts and beliefs. There is no such thing as an idle thought. Every thought is a cause that has an effect at some level.
Because you are an extension of God’s Thought, with unlimited power just like His Thought, and because, as you have seen, science has proven that the physical world is actually a collection of energy that arranges itself according to Thought, the following statements are forever true to you:
1. You have free will, always.
2. Ask and you shall receive, always.
3. Seek and you shall find, always.
4. Knock and it shall be opened unto you, always.
5. You can achieve anything you believe, always.
These may not appear to be true to you, or at least not always. But they are. Seeking is the same as finding. If you find yourself finding what you think that you are not seeking, watch yourself deeper. You will discover that at the very deepest level, you are seeking exactly what you find. For example, if you feel that you are finding conflict and poverty while you think that you seek peace and wealth, dig deeper and honestly and you will find that your root belief is that you are under attack, you are capable of being attacked, and you live in a world of scarcity where failure is to be feared. Dig deep, be honest, then change your root thought about a thing and it shall change, always. Your world always proceeds out of your deepest intentions for it. Achieving is the same as believing. You are the Way and the Truth of your world, and it follows you.
Your ideas, visions and dreams, whatever they may be, are the prophecies of what you shall one day become and achieve. You can predict your outer life tomorrow by looking at your inner self today. You can change your tomorrow by changing your inner self today.
Although this outlook is rather new to the world, it has already started making positive impacts everywhere. One book that explains all this very well is the book ‘A Happy Pocket Full of Money’. Readers, such as Dr. Odhiambo, a radiologist, are saying the book is “fantastic. It is a unification of Deepak Chopra and quantum physics. Very well written … that is where the whole world is going these days… they [wealth] come from the source. That is the theme of the book”. It is a totally different yet simplistically logical way of seeing things and creating our lives. Yet even our oldest religions confirm that such a view of the world and our position in it is valid. For example, the Bible has in it passages that refer to us as having been created in the image and likeness of God, and even before we ask it has been given to us, and when we seek we find. Jesus also says on one occasion that anything is possible if you believe it, and goes even further to say on another occasion “have I not said that ye are gods’. It is as if all along our different religions were trying to point out that we do make our lives up, literally and very directly. And this is a very liberating thought.
Saturday, June 5, 2004
Thoughts
You know when thinking about life, I've never been able to get very far ahead. I mean I've never, in all my years, been able to envision that I've had a future past the age of 24 or 25. Even now that I'm 27 I can't envision it. It almost seems like something went wrong; that I was supposed to be dead by now and that I've somehow cheated death out of some time. I know that sounds crazy, but it's the simplest way to describe it. Whether it's because I've just always assumed I would die young, or rather it's just my subconscious way of denying myself having to have a future; I don't know. I just know that's how it has felt since as long as I can remember. I always knew I would die young, younger even than I am now.
So it's strange, you see, to try and figure out what my life is to be from here. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I'm still alive. Well, I am 85% glad that I am alive. There are still way too many moments in which I envy those who have passed from this life and the pain that accompanies it. But for the most part I am glad that I'm still here for whatever reasons. But I have no real clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing here. On any level. It somehow seems to go beyond just that "I'm not sure what I want to be" feeling into something deeper. For the life of me I can't picture it; the future. Trying to think of things I'd like to do, where I'd like to be, what I'd like to be.. and it's like trying to get someone to see the boogeyman under the bed. It scares me to death, even though I can't see it. I don't know what to do, where to go. Nothing. And I have some wonderful people who love me, and they spend a lot of time with me... trying to get me to understand that yes, I have a future. And I see that, in a sense. In a way like you can see the moon through the clouds. Enough of it seeps around the edges of the cloud to prove to you that yes, the moon is up there. But there is still darkness everywhere. Not enough of the light makes it's way through the clouds to shine on anything.
Am I still thinking negative? Honestly, I'm trying not to. I have been doing my damndest to be positive; after all I promised I would and I try to keep my promises if I can. There are these moments I have such wonderlust and I just want to break free. I can feel something holding me, (which I'm sure is myself somehow) and I want so much to just get in the car and strike out on that new journey. And yet there is nowhere to go. And wherever I do go 'riding' to, the road always comes back here. And so I'm back at the beginning and stuck again. I've done this to myself, I know. And I know that I have the power to get out of this spot. In truth, I suppose I'm the only one with that power. Someone could lay down a yellow brick road at my feet that leads to the stars and until I start with one foot in front of the other I'll simply be standing there staring at it forever. I know these things. Gods know I want to see the stars and be among them. I need a plan. I make so many plans, over and over again. I mean well. Sometimes I do a few things, sometimes I forget about them in my everyday humdrum life and they just seem to slip by the wayside until eventually they're gone. I don't want to be this way. Am I fighting myself?
I know that I need to get away. I need change; I am stagnant here. And it's suffocating me slowly. I have to make it so that I can find a way out. I yearn for it. I long to just be out there, in the world, on my own. Be it bad or good or scary, it will still be MINE. MINE to live in. I am existing on borrowed time at the moment. Borrowed from those who love me, but from those who do me no good any longer. So much time lost already. Lost on me, lost on nothing. Years passed by with nothing to show for it other than the ever-mounting presence of depression and layer upon layer of excuses. I want out.
And so where do I go from here? Every step forward points me two steps behind and so I'm forever back and forth staring ahead and seeing only what's behind. My mind isn't here for this. Surely if I was meant for this sort of life I would have been born stupid. Wouldn't I? Sometimes I'd like to just grab the other parts of me and shake them until I can feel my tears upon my own face and ask them, WHY? Why did I choose this? What is my reasons? Tell me what to do from here. Where to start, what to do! I'm sure, without a doubt, that they would laugh in my face. Laugh like the maniacal psychotic person that I feel deep within me. And I can't blame them really. It's not their place to tell me. It's my place to learn. Only to learn.
I haven't done anything in such a long time on a spiritual level. Maybe it's time to ask for help. No, not help....... I expect no answers to be given to me without first seeking. I need to ask for guidance. Just push me in the right direction and let me discover things on my own. That's how it has always been anyway. And even now I feel those watching me and waiting. I know that I've taken forever, and still they wait. It's good that time means nothing to them, because I seem to be revelling in taking all of it that I can. I seek freedom, freedom from this lackluster life that I've made for myself. I don't want anything big. I just want to be out there, living. I want to be able to do the things that I feel like I need to do. I want to feel like I'm a part of something bigger and that it's better for me being there. Is that so much to ask? No, says the world. Yes, says myself. I am fighting myself, it's true.
So it's strange, you see, to try and figure out what my life is to be from here. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I'm still alive. Well, I am 85% glad that I am alive. There are still way too many moments in which I envy those who have passed from this life and the pain that accompanies it. But for the most part I am glad that I'm still here for whatever reasons. But I have no real clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing here. On any level. It somehow seems to go beyond just that "I'm not sure what I want to be" feeling into something deeper. For the life of me I can't picture it; the future. Trying to think of things I'd like to do, where I'd like to be, what I'd like to be.. and it's like trying to get someone to see the boogeyman under the bed. It scares me to death, even though I can't see it. I don't know what to do, where to go. Nothing. And I have some wonderful people who love me, and they spend a lot of time with me... trying to get me to understand that yes, I have a future. And I see that, in a sense. In a way like you can see the moon through the clouds. Enough of it seeps around the edges of the cloud to prove to you that yes, the moon is up there. But there is still darkness everywhere. Not enough of the light makes it's way through the clouds to shine on anything.
Am I still thinking negative? Honestly, I'm trying not to. I have been doing my damndest to be positive; after all I promised I would and I try to keep my promises if I can. There are these moments I have such wonderlust and I just want to break free. I can feel something holding me, (which I'm sure is myself somehow) and I want so much to just get in the car and strike out on that new journey. And yet there is nowhere to go. And wherever I do go 'riding' to, the road always comes back here. And so I'm back at the beginning and stuck again. I've done this to myself, I know. And I know that I have the power to get out of this spot. In truth, I suppose I'm the only one with that power. Someone could lay down a yellow brick road at my feet that leads to the stars and until I start with one foot in front of the other I'll simply be standing there staring at it forever. I know these things. Gods know I want to see the stars and be among them. I need a plan. I make so many plans, over and over again. I mean well. Sometimes I do a few things, sometimes I forget about them in my everyday humdrum life and they just seem to slip by the wayside until eventually they're gone. I don't want to be this way. Am I fighting myself?
I know that I need to get away. I need change; I am stagnant here. And it's suffocating me slowly. I have to make it so that I can find a way out. I yearn for it. I long to just be out there, in the world, on my own. Be it bad or good or scary, it will still be MINE. MINE to live in. I am existing on borrowed time at the moment. Borrowed from those who love me, but from those who do me no good any longer. So much time lost already. Lost on me, lost on nothing. Years passed by with nothing to show for it other than the ever-mounting presence of depression and layer upon layer of excuses. I want out.
And so where do I go from here? Every step forward points me two steps behind and so I'm forever back and forth staring ahead and seeing only what's behind. My mind isn't here for this. Surely if I was meant for this sort of life I would have been born stupid. Wouldn't I? Sometimes I'd like to just grab the other parts of me and shake them until I can feel my tears upon my own face and ask them, WHY? Why did I choose this? What is my reasons? Tell me what to do from here. Where to start, what to do! I'm sure, without a doubt, that they would laugh in my face. Laugh like the maniacal psychotic person that I feel deep within me. And I can't blame them really. It's not their place to tell me. It's my place to learn. Only to learn.
I haven't done anything in such a long time on a spiritual level. Maybe it's time to ask for help. No, not help....... I expect no answers to be given to me without first seeking. I need to ask for guidance. Just push me in the right direction and let me discover things on my own. That's how it has always been anyway. And even now I feel those watching me and waiting. I know that I've taken forever, and still they wait. It's good that time means nothing to them, because I seem to be revelling in taking all of it that I can. I seek freedom, freedom from this lackluster life that I've made for myself. I don't want anything big. I just want to be out there, living. I want to be able to do the things that I feel like I need to do. I want to feel like I'm a part of something bigger and that it's better for me being there. Is that so much to ask? No, says the world. Yes, says myself. I am fighting myself, it's true.
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