Thoughts

You know when thinking about life, I've never been able to get very far ahead. I mean I've never, in all my years, been able to envision that I've had a future past the age of 24 or 25. Even now that I'm 27 I can't envision it. It almost seems like something went wrong; that I was supposed to be dead by now and that I've somehow cheated death out of some time. I know that sounds crazy, but it's the simplest way to describe it. Whether it's because I've just always assumed I would die young, or rather it's just my subconscious way of denying myself having to have a future; I don't know. I just know that's how it has felt since as long as I can remember. I always knew I would die young, younger even than I am now.



So it's strange, you see, to try and figure out what my life is to be from here. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I'm still alive. Well, I am 85% glad that I am alive. There are still way too many moments in which I envy those who have passed from this life and the pain that accompanies it. But for the most part I am glad that I'm still here for whatever reasons. But I have no real clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing here. On any level. It somehow seems to go beyond just that "I'm not sure what I want to be" feeling into something deeper. For the life of me I can't picture it; the future. Trying to think of things I'd like to do, where I'd like to be, what I'd like to be.. and it's like trying to get someone to see the boogeyman under the bed. It scares me to death, even though I can't see it. I don't know what to do, where to go. Nothing. And I have some wonderful people who love me, and they spend a lot of time with me... trying to get me to understand that yes, I have a future. And I see that, in a sense. In a way like you can see the moon through the clouds. Enough of it seeps around the edges of the cloud to prove to you that yes, the moon is up there. But there is still darkness everywhere. Not enough of the light makes it's way through the clouds to shine on anything.



Am I still thinking negative? Honestly, I'm trying not to. I have been doing my damndest to be positive; after all I promised I would and I try to keep my promises if I can. There are these moments I have such wonderlust and I just want to break free. I can feel something holding me, (which I'm sure is myself somehow) and I want so much to just get in the car and strike out on that new journey. And yet there is nowhere to go. And wherever I do go 'riding' to, the road always comes back here. And so I'm back at the beginning and stuck again. I've done this to myself, I know. And I know that I have the power to get out of this spot. In truth, I suppose I'm the only one with that power. Someone could lay down a yellow brick road at my feet that leads to the stars and until I start with one foot in front of the other I'll simply be standing there staring at it forever. I know these things. Gods know I want to see the stars and be among them. I need a plan. I make so many plans, over and over again. I mean well. Sometimes I do a few things, sometimes I forget about them in my everyday humdrum life and they just seem to slip by the wayside until eventually they're gone. I don't want to be this way. Am I fighting myself?



I know that I need to get away. I need change; I am stagnant here. And it's suffocating me slowly. I have to make it so that I can find a way out. I yearn for it. I long to just be out there, in the world, on my own. Be it bad or good or scary, it will still be MINE. MINE to live in. I am existing on borrowed time at the moment. Borrowed from those who love me, but from those who do me no good any longer. So much time lost already. Lost on me, lost on nothing. Years passed by with nothing to show for it other than the ever-mounting presence of depression and layer upon layer of excuses. I want out.



And so where do I go from here? Every step forward points me two steps behind and so I'm forever back and forth staring ahead and seeing only what's behind. My mind isn't here for this. Surely if I was meant for this sort of life I would have been born stupid. Wouldn't I? Sometimes I'd like to just grab the other parts of me and shake them until I can feel my tears upon my own face and ask them, WHY? Why did I choose this? What is my reasons? Tell me what to do from here. Where to start, what to do! I'm sure, without a doubt, that they would laugh in my face. Laugh like the maniacal psychotic person that I feel deep within me. And I can't blame them really. It's not their place to tell me. It's my place to learn. Only to learn.



I haven't done anything in such a long time on a spiritual level. Maybe it's time to ask for help. No, not help....... I expect no answers to be given to me without first seeking. I need to ask for guidance. Just push me in the right direction and let me discover things on my own. That's how it has always been anyway. And even now I feel those watching me and waiting. I know that I've taken forever, and still they wait. It's good that time means nothing to them, because I seem to be revelling in taking all of it that I can. I seek freedom, freedom from this lackluster life that I've made for myself. I don't want anything big. I just want to be out there, living. I want to be able to do the things that I feel like I need to do. I want to feel like I'm a part of something bigger and that it's better for me being there. Is that so much to ask? No, says the world. Yes, says myself. I am fighting myself, it's true.