Straining to Understand

It's been another one of those nights. You know the kind I mean. The ones when some stray thought sends you off on a wild tangent and eventually you end up coming across things that make your brain want to scream.



It's a good thing. I like the feeling. No, I lie..... I LOVE that feeling. At the same time though, it's a love/hate relationship. Why hate you ask? *sigh* I'm not sure really. I get frustrated so easily.... there's so much that I have this strong desire to learn. Where does one start? There is no clear beginning. I'm not sure if there should be one. (In the sense that I'm sure I've already begun although I don't realize it yet.) And yes, I admit... I long to have a teacher finally come along. Now no, I'm not talking about someone like Charlie Manson. LOL! I want someone who simply will ask me the questions and make me think on my own. But who will also lead me in a direction that helps me find the path I'm meant to be on. I guess when I think of it, I think of something similar to a tribal elder if you will (like from Native American ways). They say if you ask for a teacher and you're ready, one will come. And I know that most of the time they'll be there long before you realize it, and it always seems to be the most unusual source. In truth, we are all each other's teachers...... Bah, I'll leave that thought alone.



In any case, I added some new links tonight. Found a few good ones that I hope someone will enjoy. I also found a few sites that deal heavily with demonology and the occult. I hesitate to put them up here however, you know what kind of religious fanatics are out there! All I need is to start getting hate mail from "Christ loves you but I want to rip out your liver" type people. Heh, that reminds me..... I watched "The Seventh Sign" for about the hundredth time tonight. Gotta love that movie. And I'm not being heartless, but it DOES make me giggle everytime I see Demi Moore pull her butcher knife on Jesus. I'm just thinking..... ya know THAT shit would be exactly what would go down if there was/is a Jesus and he did come back. At the same time, the thought of an immortal/divine presence being held at knife point just makes me giggle. I'm weird, go figure. Excellent movie though, even if you're not christian *which I'm not* but have an interest in anything religious.



Other movies that I enjoy?? Well, in truth anything that deals with religion, the occult, psi phenomenon, and basically anything just 'weird'. Oh and vampires. Gotta love vampires. Ok so here's some of my faves (not including LOTR and vampire flicks, b/c that would take forever):

Prophecy (parts 1, 2, & 3.... altho 3 is my fave.) - the ones with Christopher Walken. For those of you who've never seen these........ RENT THEM! They're about the war btwn angels. Viggo plays Lucifer, and can I just say made an EXCELLENT one.

The 13th Warrior (Norse type mythology... oh and Dennis Storhoi is the added bonus. On a sidenote, he looks exactly in that movie as what I picture Loki looking like. heh)

Clash of the Titans (It's a classic.........)

The Seventh Sign (Jesus is back and he is PISSED!)

Stigmata (A non-believer is inflicted with stigmata and a priest investigates.)

The Omen (all parts. Again..... another classic.)

The Exorcist (I've only seen part one but OMG was it great!)

End of Days (See my Ahnold post on Lovebuds. hehe. Kind of interesting occult ties.)

Dogma (Sorta goofy film.... But it's worth it just to see Alan Rickman as the voice of god)

Dune (The original one. Great movie, if not long. But I loved it.)

Harry Potter (All of 'em. I'm glad to see something that *may* let children know that people involved in 'magic' aren't 'evil' as most religions would like them to think.)

Hearts In Atlantis (Story of a man trying to escape from the government's psychic research thingy.)

Little Nicky (Yeah stupid but "Papa Lucifer" gettin together with Tithead is well worth watching.)

Ugh there are so many more. Mostly anything dealing with strange themes intrigue me. I love movies like "The Body" and "The Skulls" that deal with secret societies and the coverups thereof. If you know of a good one please let me know! I'm always on the look out.

Rain Down

"Yet mystery and imagination arise from the same source.

This source is called darkness. . . .

Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all understanding." -Lao-tsu



Someone told me once that they thought I was bi-polar. Someone told me once that they thought I was crazy. I suppose both are probably true.



There are some of us who understand darkness. Well, let me rephrase that. We may not understand darkness, but we feel at home in it. We are the ones they call freaks, outsiders, weirdos. I don't mean literal darkness, as in the night... Although that usually feels more natural to us as well. I am speaking of figurative darkness. I won't try to explain any farther, because it is not easily described. I'll suffice in knowing that those in this place will completely understand what I'm saying.



Let me say this though, there are different types of darkness. There are definite places where one is not safe to be. Sometimes it can be intoxicating, and you fall so hard and fast that to those not able to handle it, it becomes like a jailer. There is a difference, a very fine line between darkness and depression, much like the thin line between genius and insanity. One never experiences the one without tip-toeing into the other.



It is important to be positive in your life. In truth, what you send out into the cosmos will most definitely return to you in time. I'm not trying to argue that point. But there is also a balance that one must maintain. Like the yin yang, you cannot have one without the other. They are the perfect symbiotic energies. I think it's a mistake to discount and try to 'push away' the darkness. Without embracing the darkness completely you cannot experience the light. Of course, that's simply my opinion.



I am in a moment of that darkness now. I feel changed when I'm in this state, but I like it. I just have to be careful. In any case, I only feel moved to write when I'm here. So I'm going to share it with you.



Puddles

There are times like this; dark times,

When the tiredness quietly crawls back into me,

My thoughts collect like puddles in a storm.

And the restlessness peeps its head out to play.



It’s in these moments when I feel the weight of my existence,

The centuries and eons that have climbed upon my back.

There are memories that exist just outside of my understanding,

And the blood in my veins feels thick and sluggish like sand.



How I wish now that I could glimpse something of the truth,

Some tiny thing that may explain what it is I hold inside.

At times I feel as if I’m hollow; some empty cavern

That was left behind when the creature left the nest.



Then there are moments when I walk as if in a dream,

And I wander at the layers upon layers in which I’m embedded.

Always I feel that I do not belong here; something is wrong.

Too long have I questioned myself for rhyme or reason.



There are never any answers to be found.

I sink farther and farther down into my wasteland.

It is not a bad place,

I am more at home here than I’ve ever been.



It’s not that I’m drowning in depression,

It’s that I feel the darkness inside of myself.

The chaos, the part deep down that drives me to move on…

It is where my spirit dwells.



I suppose everyone thinks this to be a bad place,

I cannot show it to them, so they cannot know.

I do not feel afraid to be here, it is home.

My heart feels at peace in this place.



Wrapped up like a newborn babe,

My beginning was here, in my infancy I was led away,

For whatever reason. And now I cannot return.

I wonder if I am missed, does emotion even exist in that world?



It seems to me that in this place, one is never missed.

When you are there, you are free.

The world is inside of you; you are never alone.

All is one. One is all. Connected. Completed. Safe.



And so I close my eyes.

Straining to remember what my peace was like.

Feeling somewhat lost and abandoned.

I am but one tiny star in the sky.



How many times have I asked for guidance?

To be shown only the path

That may lead me closer to this goal

Of returning to where I’m meant to be.



Perhaps they have given up hope,

So long has it been that I’ve been away.

Yet they are wise, and they are patient.

I hear their voices carry across my mind.



Always there, just out of reach.

I’m sure now that they watch me.

This time and this place has warped their truth,

And I have been trapped by a false fear.



To them I must be like a soft wind

That blows across their face.

They feel me, as I feel them.

Tugging gently at each other’s memory.



Somehow, in some way…

I know that they are there, the others, listening for my return.

Wait for me, my family.

I am coming home.