Panic on the dance floor

Just kidding. There's no dance floor. hah.
You know I am trying to deal with a small panic attack right now. Allergies started messing with me a couple weeks ago and I've been sick as crap since then. I'm fighting to keep it from going into my lungs and settling more than it already has. Tonight I haven't been able to sleep any b/c of not being able to breathe well and my body going into little panic attacks every time I try to doze off because of it. Such a pain in the arse.

Also dealing with some anxiety due to money issues. You know, I'm not perfect. I know that I spend way too much money on things like grabbing food when I'm out or picking up a new book from time to time. I may go to a movie once in a while or spend extra on gas because I decided to ride around just to get out of the house. These are things that I really need to stop but at the same time I feel like you have to live a little bit or else why be alive at all? I guess it's gonna have to stop though. I'm starting to stress again. I got denied for SSID. They stated that my medical problems were severe enough for me not to be able to work but that it isn't severe enough to not work in 12 months. I don't quite understand their logic but I know that denial is the common result one gets. Seeing as how my medical problems have no cure and I've already had them for over a year I don't know how they figure they'll improve in 12 months but OK........ what do they expect me to do right now even if I was able to return to work in 12 months time? Thank goodness I have a tiny emergency stash for my rent and I'll try to sell some more stuff to help with rent. I've already sold almost all of my movies, games, books and stuff. Hopefully that will push me through to my lease end. From there I'm not sure. I'll go back to trying to get a job that will work around the medical issues although from past experience I never even got to the interview portion where I had to explain them. For the few interviews that I did get called in for as soon as they saw me there was some comment made or excuse given as to why I wouldn't be a good fit for the job. If all else fails I'll pack what I really want to keep into a storage building and live out of my car for a bit. Many people have done it, I guess I can too.

Ok, my pity party is done. Just needed to get it out so I can move on. My head hurts from stress and I'm just reaching the point again where I don't really care; what will be, will be. Maybe this is what is supposed to be and everything happens for a reason right! Yep. :)
I guess I'll try to focus on positive things and hope that things will work out for the best.

Allergies be Damned!

Yes, this image represents me well at the moment. Allergies are totally kicking my ass. I think it's quite humorous that only two weeks ago, I had to have a spirometry test done on my lungs. When I was actually in better shape than normal and could breathe. Immediately after it was done, BOOM!!! My lungs start showing out. Then the allergies kicked in and ugh. Yep, this is why fall is my favorite season.

Did I mention I got yet another bill for $39,000 today? I've done everything that they've asked me to do at the hospital and yet apparently it's still not enough. I was pretty much told before surgery that because I had hospital sponsorship that it should be covered..... now, not so much. Who knows what they want now. They might just have to be happy getting 5 bucks a month for the rest of my life. I'm tired of stressing over how to pay for all the medical bills. And this is why I never did get to go to the doctor.

So I went home to visit the parental units last weekend. It was very surreal and very unexpected. I went in Friday, and as always I told my Mom that I had no clue how long I'd be staying (it hinges on how my Dad is acting). The last time I'd went home I was officially in the house for less than two minutes and he was bitching me out over things that I had nothing to do with, nor had any control over. Needless to say that whenever I head home the three hour ride is always spent preparing myself as best I can mentally for what's to come. My entire family has daddy issues due to living with him and his wickedness and even at 38 years old I haven't figured out just how to successfully tune him out. Usually the entire time I'm there is spent either out going somewhere with my Mom or hidden in her bedroom, only really leaving it to go to the bathroom or getting something to drink from the kitchen. My entire life we all spent our time in an effort to avoid being in the same room with him. It's really quite sad and dysfunctional.

With that said, I went the country route in and so it took me about five hours instead of three. I just wanted to meander really. When I got there I walked in and he was sitting at the table. He turned around, hugged me and said hello. I was in a stupor. It sounds pretty normal right?? Nothing for anyone to go into shock over. Well believe me; this was a shock moment for me. This was NOT normal. I mean to lay it out there......... My health is pretty shitty. So when I got diagnosed with cancer and went home to tell my parents, and was having surgery in two weeks to remove all my female parts the doctors had made it clear that with my bad health there's always a risk that I might not make it off the table. There's always a risk. My Dad had been an ass the entire time I was there, and when I was leaving my Mother says to him, "This might be the last time you see her if something happens. She could die on the table you know...." (She was a little pissed at him and that's why she said it that way.) He didn't even look at us; just kept watching tv, shrugged his shoulders and said "Whatever." And that folks, is pretty much the way he always acts. So when he hugs me and smiles when I walk in, it's a rare thing.

I ended up staying until Tuesday morning. The entire time he was in a good mood and we all got along and even talked some. He made us dinner Saturday. He never really bitched about anything the entire time I was there. He didn't talk nasty or hateful. I felt like the pod people had descended and taken his body over. It was very odd. He hugged me when I was leaving and said he loved me. WTF?? It was a super nice departure. I don't know why, or how things were different; I'm just glad they were. But I have to admit..... it's times like this that really deliver the biggest mind fuck. Like your brain just doesn't know how to quite comprehend what's happening. Strange.

So it's Friday night and here I sit watching Betty White on the James Corden show. She's been alive longer than sliced bread has been around. Seriously; they just said it. Wow. The things she's seen. The changes that she's witnessed. I hope my next life has as much adventure as she's had in this one. Some friends invited me to go to a club with them tonight to see a drag show but honestly I just wasn't in the mood. I am feeling pretty exhausted and sore just from coughing; though I do feel better today than I did yesterday. This weekend I just want to veg out and relax and give my body time to feel better. Maybe I'm just old lol. I don't have the desire to go out and do a bunch of partying or anything now. It takes to long to recuperate and I just feel so horrible afterwards.

I'm kinda tired now. I've taken Benadryl. I think I'll leave you with a rather cute meme I saw. I do so love my sharks........ Good night!