Once again it's been quite a while since I've been here. No excuses; it's just the way it is. Last year I was working with a therapist that I called "Rhea" who was appointed to me from the cancer center. She met with me a few times and told me that she wanted me to journal again and so I did. Eventually she just never returned my call or set up a new appointment and so that ended that. Honestly ya'll, I didn't do anything really crazy at all! She had asked me about religious beliefs and I honestly told her a little bit about my beliefs and well....... I guess that severed that link. How someone can call themselves a therapist and then cut off anyone who isn't Christian like them is beyond me, but what can you do?
So from that point on, well almost a year I guess, I've been dealing with things myself. Some things have been better and some have been much worse. Last month I decided to ask my doctor at the clinic to refer me to one of the therapists there and she did. Luckily my new therapist is pretty damn cool and she seems to not be threatened or frightened of my outlooks on life. Hah! She wanted me to journal again too so here I am. We'll name her "Lois" in honor of Achelois, (a moon Goddess whose name meant 'she who washes away pain').
What's been happening in my world, you might ask. I'm still attempting to finish school and am officially a senior according to the college. I've tried to find a job and put in a good many applications but due to the physical restrictions there just hasn't been anything that I'm qualified for. And those that I could physically do require a degree that I don't have yet. So yeah... catch 22! I've been living off of my school loans and I've been selling a lot of my shit to pay bills. I guess I'm lucky that I saved up all kinds of stuff for years in preparation of moving and having my own place. It's just stuff.... some of it is hard to let go because of the dreams I had tied up with them, but for the most part I let it go because I know those dreams are gone now and things have changed so much. When it's time to create new dreams then I'll just start anew. I'm not the same person that I was so there's no point in holding onto those old things. Needless to say, things have been pretty tight some weeks.
I'm still dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. Lois says that I have depression. Well duh. I've been depressed all of my life, (well at least since about the age of 10). At this point, after 30 years of feeling damaged inside, I'm pretty much a pro at hiding it behind a happy mask. She told me that I seem to be a pretty positive person and I'm usually happy. That makes me feel a little proud and a little disturbed. Proud, because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Disturbed because I've done a good job at locking all those emotions away so successfully. Yep that's me. All kinds of double edge sword ninja tricks. Bruce Lee totally kicked my ass.
What's changed other than me? I've had to let some relationships go or at least cool off drastically. I really had no choice in this. It was either take that step or continue letting them hurt me because either they A) didn't care about me in the first place, or B) they were too selfish and decided that hurting me was a way to get me to do what they wanted or to make themselves feel superior. So for the most part I stay at home alone and hang out. From time to time I'll venture out and hang with my friends Bobby, Dawn, and Sam. We have a good time together and none of us are trying to use the other for some reason or another. We all help each other out when we need it and I'm so grateful for their friendships. It's nice to have people that understand that real friendships are a give and take and not just a take take take take with no give. But other than that it's just me. It's pretty lonely and sometimes I have trouble with that so I try to make the most of it.
I turned 40 last month. I never thought I'd live to 40. Not in a million years did I believe that. Honestly, many days I wish I hadn't lived to 40. I promised my Mom a long time ago that as long as she was alive I wouldn't hurt myself, and because I love her so much I have done my best to keep that promise. She deserves so much and that is the only real thing that I can give her. However, that doesn't keep me from hoping some days that I would just not wake up. If I die naturally it would still hurt her I know but there's nothing I can really do about that and at least she would know I kept my word. Not trying to sound morbid, mind you. It's just the honest truth of how I feel. I don't mind taking a shower in a thunderstorm now because if lightning hits me it's not really that big of a deal. How's that for fucked up?! HAH!
One day at a time. That's how I tend to get by at the moment. I try to just get through this day. Some days it's much, much harder than others.
I suppose one of the biggest issues for me right now is dealing with the loss of possibilities. I had always wanted to have kids I think, even though I didn't realize quite what I was feeling until I was much older. There was some part of me that knew that it was probably better that I didn't have kids because our family line really needed to end with me and my brother, (he's totally in agreement with that as well). Our family is far too fucked up to pass the same cycles down to another generation. It is better to end with us. Knowing that doesn't change those feelings, however, and as a woman I think it's embedded in our DNA to have that desire to reproduce.
I've always loved kids and have always wanted to have a child, as well as to make my Mom a Grandma. Even though I knew that the odds were 99% against having a kid, up until the cancer there was always that slight possibility that it could happen. (Now other than the health issues, there were a VAST amount of mental and emotional roadblocks to that ever happening... but the heart wants what the heart wants and logic need not apply.) After the cancer surgery though, all of that was gone. I don't feel as though my 'womanhood' is gone as some I've talked to feel; I just feel that the chances and possibilities were ripped away from me. As one lady told me, it's like I'm grieving the death of the child that I never was able to have. It feels like a death and a loss. It feels like grieving the life that never was to be. I don't know how else to explain it, and I know it doesn't make sense to anyone whose never felt the same. How can someone mourn what never was? But there it is folks; there's this huge, gaping black hole in the soul. And what is a black hole? To use one definition they are: "A region of space having a gravitational field so intense that no matter, light, or radiation can escape." To use another definition they are: "A place where people or things, especially money, disappear without trace." And there you have it. The black hole in my life has caused the possibilities to disappear without a trace with no trace of light escaping.
It is hard to explain these feelings to anyone else, so I really don't talk about them. I've tried to explain them to those who are close to me but they choose to either ignore or dismiss them. For example, I've had one friend that I've known since I was about 18 years old. We've never lived near each other, (we met in a chatroom), but I've visited her a couple of times in person and we stay in touch over the phone almost every day. I love her to death. She has never wanted children and in fact she has always been adamant about not wanting kids. Two years ago she got pregnant and was a little upset about it, however she is Catholic and doesn't believe in abortion so she decided to have the baby. Now don't get me wrong; I'm extremely happy for her that she had her little girl and doesn't regret it now - but I still have to listen to her almost every day complain about her kid. She loves her; but she also complains a LOT about it. I don't mind letting her vent, but quite often she makes remarks like, "Oh you're so lucky that you don't have to worry about kids" or, "Be happy that you'll never have to deal with a kid", etc. There are numerous other comments like that, but you get the general idea. Hearing those things cuts me to the bone, and what's worse is that she knows how it makes me feel. I've told her that they really hurt me because I'll never have that chance, but she still makes those comments often. I just don't say anything anymore; it's easier that way because people don't get it. They don't try to get it. They don't understand how sometimes seeing a pretty baby in the store or on TV can rip that wound open anew. Hell, I was almost in tears the other day sitting outside the pharmacy waiting for medication because I was sitting directly across from the baby aisle with all those kids on the diaper boxes staring out. I know... crazy right?!
So, yeah... you feel like a failure as a woman. And for me, it makes me angry and resentful towards myself for making my life such a mess that I never was able to realize the opportunity of having a family. It makes me hate myself even more because once again, my fucked up mental and emotional situations controlled my life and stole those things from it. Add all of that anger, resentment, hatred, grief, sense of loss, pain, failure, and anxiety together and some days it is quite crippling. Some days it's hard to even make it to the bathroom and get a shower, or make myself eat. (Imagine that, a fat girl who finds it hard to eat!)
And on that note I think I'm going to end that post here. If I dwell on it too much it just depresses me even more and I don't really want to wallow in it tonight. :) Here's to hoping for a decent tomorrow.
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