On dreams, time and the brain.

Life is funny. One day can seem to draw out for an eternity; each second seeming to last longer than the last. And then there are times where you blink and the day is over. As someone who thinks that time isn't just some linear, finite concept; it's pretty apparent that the passing of time is subject to emotional state. It reminds me of Star Trek, when Picard's lady friend slowed the passing of time.

So then the argument is, does she slow time itself or does she slow their perception of time passing? In either case, the outcome is the same. I've often wondered if our existence rang true in our waking hours or in our dreams. In dreams, we are not bound by the same limitations as we are in wakefulness. To me then, this tends to make me think that it is our limitless selves that are in a truer state of being. In dreams we are free of all fetters that normally keep us trapped to our mortal lots. In dreams I think we experience time in it's truer state as well. To me time is more like a coil that wraps back upon itself time and time again. At times we are able to glimpse other parts of the coil and it's at these times that we have moments of deja'vu or intuition or prophetic visions and dreams.

With all of the technology and abilities we have in our modern times.... yet still science is truly not able to explain what happens while we are sleeping. They can track how the neurons fire in the brain and what parts are most active. They can see how our various body parts slow down and heal themselves. But dreams....... the worlds in which we exist in while we slumber; it's all theories and guesswork for the most part. We don't know, for certain, if our very lives aren't layers of dreams atop one another. I have often woken up from a dream inside of a dream and felt like I was fighting to 'really wake up' and climb up through those layers. There's no way to know if we aren't living this life in a dream at this very moment. It's one reason why I loved the movie "The Matrix". I think it's why so many people connected with the same movie. It's the thought of, "What if this is all illusion?"

I really do feel most of the time that this is all illusion. That may make me sound crazy; it matters not. I have always felt that this physical body is only a 'meat suit' and that it is not what makes me. This body, this heart, this brain..... it is not who I am, no more than a lamp and lightbulb is electricity. Just like the lamp and the light bulb carry the current of electricity; the body, heart and brain are conduits for the soul. To me the soul and spirit are intertwined although I realize that to some they are the same and to others they are completely separate. The soul, in my opinion, is what makes you you.... it is the part that gives you personality and self-awareness. It is the 'charge' that animates your body. It is the battery terminal that allows the connection between the engine (spirit) and the machine (body). The spirit is the part of you that holds divinity; the part that connects you to the All, the Creator, God, Goddess... however you choose to see the divine. Looking at it this way, you can be alive and have a dead spirit.... I've seen this sometimes when looking at killers or those that have been through extreme torture. (I usually say that the person has 'dead eyes'.) I believe that the spirit can come alive again through experiences and lots of hard work. But if the soul is gone; well then nothing remains but the meat suit.

Why does any of that have to do with anything you might ask? In talking on dreams and why I say that it is, in my opinion, a truer form of being is that it is in dreams that the spirit and soul exist without being bound by the body. Without these limitations time really has no meaning because the soul and spirit are infinite and immortal; time then has no hold over anything. There is no 'passing of time' in dreams as you can instantly be here or there, then or now, or all of the above at once. And in dreams it's lovely because no matter how crazy things seem, they always make sense at that moment in the dream. How awesome it would be if our minds could work that way in the 'waking' hours. This is why genius borderlines insanity; because the passageways in the mind of a genius which usually inhibit the true strength of the soul/spirit to be fully present are different than in those of 'normal' folk.

Follow this train of thought....If the brain is the 'road' that the soul/spirit must travel down to fully inhabit and animate the body, perhaps it has 'gates' along the way (much like toll booths) that are put in place to keep from overwhelming the machine. This would be very similar to how resistors are used in electrical components to keep the voltage from overwhelming and blowing the circuits. People whose brains work differently may have defective or absent resistors. By having the 'full current' of the soul/spirit with no resistors rocketing through the brain, this could cause various affects....... It could create a genius, who perhaps has just enough resistance to keep them from suffering insanity, but yet allows purely innovative and creative thought and ideas. It could create an atmosphere in the mind where the soul/spirit flow is so strong that the 'flap' between the waking world and the dream world (also known as the world of spirit) is completely burnt out and these people have each reality bleeding into each other. (This would perfectly explain conditions like schizophrenia or delusions.) During successful meditation, intense prayer, repetition during spiritual practice, etc....  one can traverse these pathways or gates and allow unfettered bursts of soul/spirit to stream through while still being able to put the resistors back into place when it is necessary.

And that's my random thoughts for tonight. There is definitely more that ties in with these thoughts that I'll get to eventually.... but for now this post is long enough. Goodnight!

Week almost Gone

Whew this week has went by FAST!  I have to admit I'm a little tired and looking forward to some quiet alone time to veg out this weekend.

So what's been going on you ask? Well my Mother came into town and delivered me a new stove which someone in Sumter gifted my way (yay!). It's a fancy stainless steel one with a glass cooking top... so no more tilted burners and everything running to one side in a frying pan haha. It's really nice though and I'm super grateful for our friend sending it up here. :)

I've also been working some in the apartment, trying to get some things organized. I'm still nowhere near even halfway done but a good bit of progress was made. The living room is looking awesome and it's almost how I want it...... but the bedroom is still a mess of boxes and stuff to go through and organize. I did manage to get some shelves but it'll be a little while before I get the area where they're going cleaned up. That's the next thing to work on. Once that happens and I get them attached to the wall it will make a huge difference in being able to get those boxes taken care of. I'm so looking forward to that moment let me tell you! I just try to do a little bit at a time.

There's been other odds and ends going on the past couple weeks. I went to Diamond Hill Mines for the first time and spent the day. It's the first real time I've pushed myself since I've had surgery so I was very careful. I got tired pretty quick and spent a good bit of the time sitting on my bucket and digging that way haha. But I still had fun and we found some good stuff. I was excited! Now the real job is cleaning the rocks up.... that'll take a while. I can tell when I overdo stuff because when I get really tired I start having pains in my gut where the stitches are inside. That's my big sign to slow down or stop altogether. But I'm proud of myself for getting out and doing as much as I could do without hurting myself.

OH! Last night I went to see the Yamato Japanese drummers at the Peace Center. Wow they were superb. It tired me out just watching them! They drummed for an hour straight before the short intermission, and then for almost another hour. I don't know how they have that much stamina. It was a great show though and the energy was fast and high. I'd highly suggest anyone check them out that can and likes drumming. It was very akin to Native American in parts and you know I loved that!

You know, I usually don't talk politics because people get so touchy about it.... but since this is my blog I guess I can say what I want. It scares me that people are really taking Donald Trump seriously. How could a person want a man to run a country that has made racist, sexist and homophobic remark after remark? I went to a handfasting Sunday of two beautiful women who have been together for 28 years and were FINALLY able to legally tie the knot. Just standing there watching them and thinking that it's 2016 and we're just now getting to this point in history.... it's just sad that it's taken so long. And to think that people are thinking about voting for someone who wants to turn back the civil rights movement by a century just dumbfounds me. I have pagan friends and gay friends that are backing him!! I just want to ask them what the hell are they thinking? Do they think that if someone gets into office that has it out for one religion or is anti-gay marriage that he won't come for them next?? So they think that he's going to stop with Muslims?? And since when does a few radical Muslims make all Muslims evil and out for blood? The majority are peaceful, lovely people! I mean come on, if we went off of radical religious loonies then the Christian religion would be at the top of the list for whack-jobs. Almost every cult in American history has been Chrisitan... the Nazi regime were Chrisitan..... and so on it goes. People just won't learn from history it seems. Ugh. Ok that's my rant.

It's time for a movie and then I'm going to try to get some rest. Hopefully next time I'll have some actual interesting stuff to say. Until then, toodles!

Here comes the sun again!

I don't quite know why or when it occurred, but apparently I've turned into a vampire. No matter how hard I try I cannot seem to fall asleep before 8am. As I sit here I see the light from morning beginning to peek in around the slats of my blinds on the front door. I don't necessarily like this; I end up feeling like crap and when I finally do fall asleep I sleep the day away. By the time I get up there's not much time left in the day to do certain errands. I vant to suck your blood!!!!! I have a headache right now.... my sugar levels have been insane..... I got home around 4am and my sugar had been dropping for a little while and I was feeling bad, so I check it and yep..... it's way low for me. So I eat a bite to get it back up and I start feeling a little better...... then an hour later my head is hurting, I'm burning up and check it again and it's shot WAY up so I have to take a shot. Like WTF man.... make up your mind! High or low..... can't there be a happy in between??? It never reacts the same way to anything, even if it's the same stimuli that is ingested and the same amount of insulin taken....... I think my body rolls dice like a drunk teenager playing Dungeons and Dragons to get my glucose levels. Seriously!

No seriously though, it is causing me some anxiety. The past three days or so I've been trying to do some 'tapping' to help ease the anxiety somewhat when I try to go to sleep. (Usually when I start trying to fall asleep I start to drift off and then jolt awake in a semi-panic attack. I tend to think it's because of my not feeling like I'm able to breathe well.) The tapping has been somewhat beneficial, probably because it causes my mind to focus elsewhere. I've also tried to take both of my steroids for the lungs before I finally settle down. This may be helping a bit too. There are still some issues though.

As always I'm still struggling with my eating. I'm such an emotional eater and I crave sweets. I think it's mostly psychological. When I get lonely, depressed or bored it triggers the only comfort that's always been there for me in my life - food. And aside from that I truly just love food; it's not even about eating it all the time. I even just love watching it be prepared; even shit that I would never consider eating..... I still find it fascinating. It's like an art. I really am a fat girl at heart. hahaha. Of course this doesn't do well at all being that I have "the sugah" and all.

I can never seem to stay on the course long (I have ZERO willpower where food is concerned), but I always try to get back on the wagon again. I'll do it a million times over until something sticks. One day at a time....... that's all I can focus on. I had to throw away all of my food from the fridge and freezer when it went out.... so the past two weeks has been kind of tight. I get my food money on the 7th so then I'm going shopping and I'm going to try and get some healthier stuff. I know, I know....... you don't believe me. But I shall try my best and that's all I can do. Unless you're some rich starlet who can afford personal chefs, personal trainers and a home gym..... doing this shit is hard all on your own. I am my own worst enemy after all.

Probably because of  the poor sleeping, the bad diet, the troubles breathing and still dealing with some depression I have still been feeling really bad. I know I've talked to other people who have been through cancer and they say that once you've had it, even if it was all taken out.... you always fear that it will come back somewhere else. I never got that before but I totally understand it now. And I'm trying hard not to think like that because I do believe that what you focus on will become manifest in your life. But it's always in your mind; the fear of hearing that again. Especially when you still aren't feeling 'normal' and still don't have any energy. Cancer really is a mind fuck in addition to all of the other physical tolls it takes on your body. Yeah, so there's that.

I really don't know what I need. I keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like there's this purpose that I've totally missed somehow. I'm not alone in this sentiment I know. But I can only go off of what I feel. And with that I guess I'm going to get off of here.