I don't quite know why or when it occurred, but apparently I've turned into a vampire. No matter how hard I try I cannot seem to fall asleep before 8am. As I sit here I see the light from morning beginning to peek in around the slats of my blinds on the front door. I don't necessarily like this; I end up feeling like crap and when I finally do fall asleep I sleep the day away. By the time I get up there's not much time left in the day to do certain errands. I vant to suck your blood!!!!! I have a headache right now.... my sugar levels have been insane..... I got home around 4am and my sugar had been dropping for a little while and I was feeling bad, so I check it and yep..... it's way low for me. So I eat a bite to get it back up and I start feeling a little better...... then an hour later my head is hurting, I'm burning up and check it again and it's shot WAY up so I have to take a shot. Like WTF man.... make up your mind! High or low..... can't there be a happy in between??? It never reacts the same way to anything, even if it's the same stimuli that is ingested and the same amount of insulin taken....... I think my body rolls dice like a drunk teenager playing Dungeons and Dragons to get my glucose levels. Seriously!
No seriously though, it is causing me some anxiety. The past three days or so I've been trying to do some 'tapping' to help ease the anxiety somewhat when I try to go to sleep. (Usually when I start trying to fall asleep I start to drift off and then jolt awake in a semi-panic attack. I tend to think it's because of my not feeling like I'm able to breathe well.) The tapping has been somewhat beneficial, probably because it causes my mind to focus elsewhere. I've also tried to take both of my steroids for the lungs before I finally settle down. This may be helping a bit too. There are still some issues though.
As always I'm still struggling with my eating. I'm such an emotional eater and I crave sweets. I think it's mostly psychological. When I get lonely, depressed or bored it triggers the only comfort that's always been there for me in my life - food. And aside from that I truly just love food; it's not even about eating it all the time. I even just love watching it be prepared; even shit that I would never consider eating..... I still find it fascinating. It's like an art. I really am a fat girl at heart. hahaha. Of course this doesn't do well at all being that I have "the sugah" and all.
I can never seem to stay on the course long (I have ZERO willpower where food is concerned), but I always try to get back on the wagon again. I'll do it a million times over until something sticks. One day at a time....... that's all I can focus on. I had to throw away all of my food from the fridge and freezer when it went out.... so the past two weeks has been kind of tight. I get my food money on the 7th so then I'm going shopping and I'm going to try and get some healthier stuff. I know, I know....... you don't believe me. But I shall try my best and that's all I can do. Unless you're some rich starlet who can afford personal chefs, personal trainers and a home gym..... doing this shit is hard all on your own. I am my own worst enemy after all.
Probably because of the poor sleeping, the bad diet, the troubles breathing and still dealing with some depression I have still been feeling really bad. I know I've talked to other people who have been through cancer and they say that once you've had it, even if it was all taken out.... you always fear that it will come back somewhere else. I never got that before but I totally understand it now. And I'm trying hard not to think like that because I do believe that what you focus on will become manifest in your life. But it's always in your mind; the fear of hearing that again. Especially when you still aren't feeling 'normal' and still don't have any energy. Cancer really is a mind fuck in addition to all of the other physical tolls it takes on your body. Yeah, so there's that.
I really don't know what I need. I keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like there's this purpose that I've totally missed somehow. I'm not alone in this sentiment I know. But I can only go off of what I feel. And with that I guess I'm going to get off of here.
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