My liar's chair

So apparently I'm a liar. I apologize to whoever is out there. I've lied about being in pain all the time. I've lied about having COPD and cancer and bone spurs/arthritis in my spine. I've lied about having depression and anxiety and panic attacks and every other illness or condition that I've talked about. I'm just a big fatass liar.

That's how I fucking feel. I'm so tired of being treated like I'm just making shit up. Why you ask? I complain for years about pain and being fatigued, and never ever having any energy. I tell my doctor, just this past Friday, that I can do 30 minutes of light to medium housework and then my lower back is hurting so bad that I have to take pain pills and I'm out for hours. Then, because my neuropathy and pinched nerves from bone spurs make my legs and feet hurt so bad, and my legs and feet start to swell, that I have to keep my legs propped up just to be able to stand it. But apparently I'm making that shit up too. Because according to her I am completely able to hold down a 40 hour a week job with no restrictions or concerns whatsoever. Answer me... who the fuck is going to hire me when I tell them that I can't stay on my feet for longer than 30 or 40 minutes before having to rest with my legs propped up? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that I have to take numerous bathroom breaks a day, sometimes every 15 minutes or half hour, because my IBS-D has kicked in and I'm constantly having to shit? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that I have brittle diabetes and that from time to time my sugar will bottom out or skyrocket and I have to check my blood and either eat or take insulin sometimes half a dozen times a day? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that I can't  be around anyone who wears perfume or smokes, or chemicals, or extreme temperatures, because my lungs might start freaking out from the COPD and I then have trouble getting air and have to take multiple breathing treatments from my nebulizer? Who is going to hire me when I tell them that sometimes I get panic attacks or just start crying for no reason at all? But yeah..... sure. No problem. There are employers out there just itching to snap me up.

All of my life I've been treated by doctors who just wanted to blame me for everything because I'm fat. I had no control over being fat. I was fat from the time I was in preschool. I'm pretty sure that I was either over, or damn near pushing, 100 lbs at 8 years old. I was the ONLY fat one in the family, and until my parents hit their 50's and got that normal 'middle age spread' that has held true. (Even now they're not really that big.... my Dad weighs around 200 and my Mom weighs around 180, and I don't ever remember my brother being big.) We have pictures of me where I was this cute, skinny kid and then pictures of me when I was just a bloated pig. No in-between. No transitioning photos. It was just like one minute it's there, when the minute before it was not. I was like 5.... I don't remember it happening. Now that I'm an adult, I've tried to lose weight. I've dieted; I've worked out; I've done my best to eat healthy. I have no metabolism! I have no energy!

I was a military brat, so we went to the military doctors. They didn't want to mess with me and so the answer to everything was 'it's because she is fat'. I swear to you I went one time for a crushed finger that got caught in the door and the doctor blamed it partially on my weight. When I got older and became an adult I had to get my own doctors and I went through three or four who didn't want to mess with me. Again, everything was because I was fat. Lose weight they said. I tried. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing happened. For 20 years I was bleeding like someone had ripped my innards apart and passing blood clots the size of my fists. I was bleeding almost every day. And I mean EVERY day.... practically 325+ days a year. Those giant pads they give pregnant women? Yeah, I used those for 20 years and bled so heavy that I would sometimes go through four of those in an hour. Some days I couldn't even leave the house because I would be bleeding so much that no pad could keep me from bleeding through my clothes. The doctors response? Oh... some women just do that. They didn't want to test me for anything. They didn't want to do any exams. They didn't want to TOUCH me and on some occasions acted like they hated to even look at me. They treated me like I was a walking case of blubber with leprosy and sent me on my way. And eventually, oh guess what? You've got endometrial cancer. Whoopsie! We shoulda caught that huh?

So yeah I have a hard time trusting doctors. Lose weight, they keep telling me to this day. I'm tired of hearing it. They act as if I haven't tried; like I enjoy being in this body and not being able to do things that normal people can do. It's truly a JOY to have to be nervous about breaking furniture or going out places and wondering if I can use their bathrooms or if I will be able to fit in their seats. It's DELIGHTFUL to be stared at, pointed at, laughed at, made fun of, yelled at, be sneered at, to be discriminated against, and to not even be considered as a human being every time you step out of the house. I YEARN to feel like a failure and a disappointment, like an outcast, like a loser, like my life has meant nothing. Every day of my life I DREAMED about not being able to have children, to never be married, to not have someone in my life to share experiences with and to always feel alone. I've always been ECSTATIC that I can't do the things I'd love to do like travel, and go to theme parks and ride the rides, or simply sleep in a bed. It's been a goddamned PLEASURE I tell you!! I'm living it up EVERY DAMN DAY!

I told my therapist last week that I'm just tired. I truly am. I've been saying it for years now and it's more true now than it's ever been. I told her that I've always been scared about being put on heavy anxiety or anti-depressants because I know people who have been on them and they become zombies. I've always said that my mind was the only good thing that I had and for that reason I didn't want any of those types of drugs in my body. Well, I've lied in that too it seems. Because I would welcome it right now. I would much rather be a zombie whose mind is completely clouded and dumbed down. I wish she had the ability to load me up like a freight train with heavy mind-fucking drugs. Hell, if I could afford it I would find them myself. Dreams and hopes apparently just aren't meant to be in my wheelhouse, and once again life has shown me that expecting something different just ends up disappointing me more. Einstein said that doing the same things and expecting different results was the definition of insanity. I keep hoping and trying to stay positive that things will change but the results are never different. It always comes back to me that apparently I'm a liar. If the doctor says that I am perfectly fine and that all of these conditions obviously don't make any impact on my body or my life then that must be true. After all; she's the one with the medical license. So it must be the way it is. And that means I'm faking it. I'm a liar; a useless habitual liar. I guess everything is really fine after all. I'm tired of trying to get anyone to understand otherwise.

In the words of one of the best authors of all time, “How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.”  

You win, shitty life. You win.

Hot pokers and Humpty on the wall...

Yes my friends, insomnia has struck again. My mind feels like it's in a slightly liquidated state, as I have taken my nightly meds and they have fully kicked in at this point. One would think that this would make me go to sleep, but alas.... tonight my body just won't turn off and it SUCKS. My main issue is my legs and feet. It is hard to describe the feeling but I can try my best. Once, when I was about ten years old, I was outside in the backyard and unknowingly stepped in a huge bed of fire-ants. The feeling of them biting me was like having hot pokers stuck to my legs and feet repeatedly. My Mom picked me up and immediately stuck me in the small plastic pool that we had in the yard, and the ants flaked off into the water. Now, after about ten minutes or so the initial burning died down and what was left was like a numbed down version of those hot pokers stabbing me. It was like the nerves in my lower limbs had been so overloaded that they were only registering half of the pain. That is the exact feeling that I am having in my legs and feet over the past week or so at night. So yeah, not fun at all.

In other news, I had another appointment with my therapist today. Again I say, I really like her a lot. She doesn't sugar coat things and talks to you like you're just out having a lunch somewhere as friends... not condescending at all. I respect that. Anyway, we talked about putting me on some low-dose anti-depressants and I think that I'm finally at the point where I can admit that I think I need them. I'm having too hard of a time lately and it's frustrating. I've been having panic attacks again, although thankfully not as bad as before. It's hard for me to really open up to anyone because although I can pour out emotions and mental states in writing, it is really difficult for some reason to express those in words. I think maybe it's because I know that if I let a small crack in the facade that I will completely crumble and possibly not be able to put the pieces back together again. Let's just call it Humpty Dumpty syndrome, shall we?

Sometimes I really envy those that are insane or just have sociopathic tendencies, (like my father). I envy the freedom that they have as a result of not having a conscience and just not giving a shit at all. How nice it must be to simply act or feel or think without concern or worrying about the outcome of things. Now don't get me wrong.... I know that they also have issues that come as a result of how their minds work; but I still am jealous of the delicious absence of constant morality that they have. It's like that line is so thick in my mind, and I am always standing on the edge of the cliff looking down and wanting so bad to just let go and jump.... but always there's this harness that holds me back. It is a good thing to have a conscience... I totally understand this; but when you're living with these feelings of depression, hopelessness, failure, loneliness, pain, and just pure torture - well it's like someone standing at your back with a straight razor just slowly slicing and dicing pieces of your soul away while you stare into an abyss that offers both comfort and the threat of losing yourself completely. In my next life I really hope that I am living a completely different existence as the one I've experienced this go 'round.

What else... what else is going on... Hmmm. Not much really. Trying to stay cool. My car said the temperature outside today was 105! What the hell man?! I mean I lived in Arizona and it once got to 120, but it was dry heat so it wasn't nearly as bad as the weather here in SC with the damn humidity. If I was to win the lottery (which is pretty slim chances because I haven't played in forever hah), I would move somewhere else where the weather is cooler and there are actually four seasons instead of just the two we have here which are: winter and hellfire. I joke and tell my Mom that I have reverse seasonal depression. Most people get depressed in the winter but my hard time is the summer. I love the other times of the year but ugh.... summer is so hard on me. I go outside for a few minutes and the heat just zaps all of the energy out of my body. I'm praying for an early fall. LOL!

That's about it for now I guess. Mainly just wanted to log in and record how I'm feeling right now my friend, the head shrink, who is supposedly going to read my blog. Peace out!

Just Around the Corner!!!!!

Yep, school is just around the corner. I'm "officially" a senior this year, although technically I have these last two semesters plus two classes left to take. The last two are going to be taken at the local technical college hopefully though, so it will be cheaper as my financial aid will be over and done with by then. I'm sort of dreading this semester because one of my classes is in Spartanburg and that means I will have to drive back and forth 3 times a week, on I-85 during rush hour in the mornings. I HATE HATE HATE that road! And morning rush hours are going to be hell, because anyone who knows me understands that I don't fully wake up until after the noon hour. So I'm super stressing it but there's nothing that can be done about it. I just pray that my car can take it.

Other than that, it's still hot as hell here. My brother moved into a place with central air though, so I'm getting the window units that were in his old place because they belong to my Mom and she said I could use them. Thank goodness! So hopefully next week I will have a bigger window unit in the living room (the new landlords put a new one in but it's a size smaller than the one that died and doesn't cool the room b/c it's not the right size). I'm moving the smaller one into the kitchen and then I'll have a small one for the bedroom as well. Yay!!!!

This week I'm working really hard to keep my sugar levels down and see if it makes me feel any different. So far I've been doing fairly well actually. (Except for today; I made cookies and had a cup of milk with some.... so we'll see how much that impacts my glycemic levels.... but DAMN I haven't had anything chocolate in a while and wanted a sweet snack; plus the cookies were already out of date and were going to have to be thrown away if I didn't cook them soon.) I actually cooked some roasted veggies today that were to DIE FOR and for lunch I eat almost the whole sheet pan full hahaha! It was about two cups or so; not too bad. There was zucchini, squash, tomatoes, carrots, and a little broccoli. Mixed up some olive oil, balsamic vinegar, Mediterranean spice mix, pepper, salt, and then topped them off with some fresh dried basil from my plant. Then roasted until they were nicely carmelized........ YUMMO!

Mood wise, this last week has been MUCH better than the few prior. I was sick again when I was back in Sumter to help Mom after my Dad's surgery. I'm beginning to really believe that the house and my body just are like two magnets trying to repel each other. Seriously! Oh, so yeah my Dad had surgery on July 6th to remove a mass from his arm. It went well but of course he's being a huge baby about everything. This weekend he has electrodes all glued onto his head and has to carry around a little satchel with a monitor in it so that the doctors can record and look at his brain waves. They cancelled out mini-strokes b/c his MRI showed no lesions that would have been a result of this. So now I think they're trying to figure out if he has onset Alzheimer or dementia or if it's something else in his brain out of whack. I hope they figure something out definitively soon because we all need to figure out what to do. I told him this past trip that if it comes back that whatever is going on is going to get worse, that he has to make some hard decisions because I'm not moving back to Sumter and I will not allow Mom to deal with him all alone. She cannot mentally take it. So either he has to start helping her slowly go through and get rid of things in the house or he had best plan on being put into the VA hospital or a VA home. (They're both packrats, especially him, so it's going to take a long time to get through all the mess they have built up.) He didn't like that of course but the truth is the truth.

In other news, I've been selling as much shit as I can on ebay to help pay the bills until I get my school refund money next month. My Lord of the Rings collection has been doing pretty well with me selling it off piece by piece. I've already went through most of the DVD's and BluRays that I own though, so I'm quickly running out of things to sell. Just trying to hang on.... please please please don't let them up the rent when my lease is up at the end of September. I cannot get that off of my mind and it is terrifying me. Ugh.

I haven't been to my therapist in a few weeks. She had vacation, then I was gone to help with Dad and so the next appt. they had for me was the 19th. I have always had severe trepidation about being put on any kind of anxiety/depression drugs because of a couple reasons.... 1) I know or have known so many people on these types of drugs that turn into complete braindead zombies, and 2) There are so many horror stories about people who have major problems when they finally attempt to come off of the drugs. As I told her when she's asked about them, my brain is truly the only good thing about me and I don't want to fuck it up. But I am having so many issues with stress, anxiety and depression that I think I'm going to talk to her about them next week. In the past few weeks I've had some panic attacks, which I haven't had serious ones since just after surgery... but for some reason they returned. I guess it's just stress bringing them on. It's been affecting my sleeping too. So maybe it's time to at least start a conversation about them. For some reason though I feel like I've failed myself because I can't handle things by myself.... although I know that is a stigma in my mind and that it's ok to ask for help if you need it. So we'll see how that goes next week.

That's about it for now so I'm outta here!! Stay cool in these hellish temperatures!!