Yes my friends, insomnia has struck again. My mind feels like it's in a slightly liquidated state, as I have taken my nightly meds and they have fully kicked in at this point. One would think that this would make me go to sleep, but alas.... tonight my body just won't turn off and it SUCKS. My main issue is my legs and feet. It is hard to describe the feeling but I can try my best. Once, when I was about ten years old, I was outside in the backyard and unknowingly stepped in a huge bed of fire-ants. The feeling of them biting me was like having hot pokers stuck to my legs and feet repeatedly. My Mom picked me up and immediately stuck me in the small plastic pool that we had in the yard, and the ants flaked off into the water. Now, after about ten minutes or so the initial burning died down and what was left was like a numbed down version of those hot pokers stabbing me. It was like the nerves in my lower limbs had been so overloaded that they were only registering half of the pain. That is the exact feeling that I am having in my legs and feet over the past week or so at night. So yeah, not fun at all.
In other news, I had another appointment with my therapist today. Again I say, I really like her a lot. She doesn't sugar coat things and talks to you like you're just out having a lunch somewhere as friends... not condescending at all. I respect that. Anyway, we talked about putting me on some low-dose anti-depressants and I think that I'm finally at the point where I can admit that I think I need them. I'm having too hard of a time lately and it's frustrating. I've been having panic attacks again, although thankfully not as bad as before. It's hard for me to really open up to anyone because although I can pour out emotions and mental states in writing, it is really difficult for some reason to express those in words. I think maybe it's because I know that if I let a small crack in the facade that I will completely crumble and possibly not be able to put the pieces back together again. Let's just call it Humpty Dumpty syndrome, shall we?
Sometimes I really envy those that are insane or just have sociopathic tendencies, (like my father). I envy the freedom that they have as a result of not having a conscience and just not giving a shit at all. How nice it must be to simply act or feel or think without concern or worrying about the outcome of things. Now don't get me wrong.... I know that they also have issues that come as a result of how their minds work; but I still am jealous of the delicious absence of constant morality that they have. It's like that line is so thick in my mind, and I am always standing on the edge of the cliff looking down and wanting so bad to just let go and jump.... but always there's this harness that holds me back. It is a good thing to have a conscience... I totally understand this; but when you're living with these feelings of depression, hopelessness, failure, loneliness, pain, and just pure torture - well it's like someone standing at your back with a straight razor just slowly slicing and dicing pieces of your soul away while you stare into an abyss that offers both comfort and the threat of losing yourself completely. In my next life I really hope that I am living a completely different existence as the one I've experienced this go 'round.
What else... what else is going on... Hmmm. Not much really. Trying to stay cool. My car said the temperature outside today was 105! What the hell man?! I mean I lived in Arizona and it once got to 120, but it was dry heat so it wasn't nearly as bad as the weather here in SC with the damn humidity. If I was to win the lottery (which is pretty slim chances because I haven't played in forever hah), I would move somewhere else where the weather is cooler and there are actually four seasons instead of just the two we have here which are: winter and hellfire. I joke and tell my Mom that I have reverse seasonal depression. Most people get depressed in the winter but my hard time is the summer. I love the other times of the year but ugh.... summer is so hard on me. I go outside for a few minutes and the heat just zaps all of the energy out of my body. I'm praying for an early fall. LOL!
That's about it for now I guess. Mainly just wanted to log in and record how I'm feeling right now my friend, the head shrink, who is supposedly going to read my blog. Peace out!
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