Those who know me understand that I'm a self-help junkie. I love the stuff. Truly I don't understand why anyone wouldn't love the stuff.... unless they're in complete denial of a need to constantly grow and better ourselves. Anyway, one of my favorite is Iyanla Vanzant. I'd love to sit down with this lady for a while.
I've been going through some pretty difficult stuff the past week. I hate for people to see me cry, and unfortunately I broke down so bad the other night that it resulted in my sitting outside alone and almost hyperventilating for well over an hour. Then when I pulled myself together enough to go inside I preceded to break down again and ended up making myself a nice BIG alcoholic drink. Don't worry, I'm not an alcoholic... but it was well needed to calm me down. I really really really was embarrassed for my friend to see me that way, even though in truth he has saved my sanity in the past and has seen me in some pretty dark places. Still, it's always hard to be completely raw and vulnerable in front of others. It's a special kind of nekkid, a spiritual nakedness that only a few share with others (*usually not by choice at first*). I'm glad now that I did, and so thankful that he's there for support.
NOW then, back to Iyanla. The night before the proverbial shit hit the fan, I had stumbled across a video on Iyanla's facebook page and decided to take some notes. Something felt important in her message even though I didn't know why at the time. I didn't realize that spirit had led me there for a purpose that was to kick in within 24 hours, but I'm glad I listened. So here's some of my notes from her taping and some of my replies. This is kinda long, but it's something I'm doing for myself so please feel free to keep reading or pass this on by. The choice is yours~ but please understand that I'm putting down exactly what I wrote down which isn't easy. It's very private, and it's hard. But making yourself open and vulnerable to the world is necessary to face your truth and accept it.
What is that thing that you do? She is asking what is it that you do, repeatedly, to act as either a distraction or an excuse for your situation and your current state of being.
I resort to joking about everything, even if I find it hurtful to myself. I don't speak up to those that I care about the most when they're hurtful to me. I pretend that I don't care and I dimiss myself and my feeling in the effort to cater to others.
What or who makes you angry?
People who treat me like I'm less than or try to walk over me. People who say one thing but do something completely different. People who pretend to be a friend but only are when it's convenient for them or their situation. Fake, false, phony, lying people. Being discriminated against because of my weight and also feeling embarrassed or ashamed because of how people think, look and act towards me. Putting myself into situations where I feel angry because of these people and/or situations.
Why?
I think I'm tired of putting time, feeling, energy and trust into people that are phonies. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one willing to go the extra mile or make sacrifices in situations and relationships. The disapointment in the way that others seem to show no respect or desire to remain true to their word, and the disrespect they show to themselves and to others bothers me. It seems as if no one cares about their character and just dismisses their conscience so easily. I understand that I am not supposed to put expectations onto others but I still struggle with this. This is especially hard when it comes from people who I thought were honest and trustworthy.
What makes you happy or feel joy?
New experiences. Seeing new places, traveling. Spending time with true friends, having deep spiritual discussions and connections with them and learning from each others perspectives and experience. Feeling the unabashed joy and love in my heart when I see a touching story or video (yes, I cry at dog food commercials sometimes). Watching the underdog overcome their obstacles and be triumphant. The moments when total faith and connection to deity shines through. Beautiful landscapes; sunsets over mountains and the sound of birds chirping in the spring. The feel of a cool wind and the twinkle of stars. Nature.
What do you want?
I want to be true to myself and not be scared or embarrassed or shameful to follow that truth. I want to care less about what others think of me and I also want to think less about pleasing others. I mean this in the sense that I often times find myself doing something that goes against my truth because I feel that I need or want to do what others are asking of me in an effort to appease them.
Why are you committed to suffering and sorrow?
I think I've been committed to suffering because it's comfortable and familiar. I know what to expect; pain and disappointment. If I'm still suffering then I know where I am. It's like false roots, but roots just the same. It's an excuse and a reason for why I'm stuck. I also feel that I'm not truly worthy of being happy and fulfilled. I feel like there's nothing to show for my life. If I died tomorrow, there would be no change. Maybe four people would really mourn my death but it would pass quickly and over time I don't know if they'd even feel a loss. I sometimes (a lot) truly feel like I don't matter. I feel like what my self is, is a lot of wasted potential and that too much time has passed for me to really be able to fix that. I feel empty and like I am living very much like a ghost in the house; good for a laugh but never really important enough anywhere to make a difference in any way.
I think another issue is that I have no clue what I want 'to do'. There's many interests and lots of ideas, but not a lot that I'm 110% behind. It's like a lot of the times I feel like a trained mouse running a maze - only thing is I really don't care about the cheese or if I do it's only half-hearted. Sort of like just drifting on the tide. I'm not sure how exactly it would feel to have deep roots or to feel a constant stream of passion for something. I know I want to help people some day, and that's as far as I can see.
What do you do, just for you, that brings you joy? It makes no sense to anyone else, but to you.
I don't really know what I do just for me that brings me joy. There are bits and pieces of things that I do that I feel brings me joy - but there's no big thing that brings a sustained, lasting joy. I'm not sure how to go about discovering what things could possibly bring me sustained joy.
So there we have it. I'm going to think about these things and hopefully come back in a few days and re-evaluate my thoughts on the situation. But internally, I have to say that over the past three or four days I have felt such a surge of growth internally and for that I am truly grateful. I've heard some say that in our darkest times is when we feel the touch of God the strongest.... and I understand that right now. I hear you deity. I hear you.
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