Here we go again friends. It's been another year since posting here. I just went back and read all of my posts; all the way back to 2003. I was such a kid then, but still a pretty insightful kid I suppose. I still see a lot of myself in those words, even though I'm a completely different person now.
I suppose I should explain why I'm back here once more. I truly do love to write and it's one of the best ways that I express myself. Yes I know I'm long winded. But this is a personal journal of sorts so I'm good with my lengthy explanations. It makes it much easier when I'm gone for ten years and come back to this blog and want to see where my younger self's mind was at.
Most of us are smack dab in the middle of winter holidays at the moment. Yule is fast approaching and then after it Christmas. (I have no problem celebrating them both. It's a link between my past and my present, and both holidays represent an energy of love/rebirth/hope/etc. in my mind.)
So what's been happening? Well the last few times I posted I had just moved to Greenville, SC and was trying to adjust. But I had just been slapped by life and had to move from the first place I lived due to a clash in personalities with the people who lived above me (it was a very unhealthy and dangerous situation so I felt I had to get out for safety reasons as well). I lost a very good friendship in the process and the way in which that relationship deteriorated caused me a lot of pain. There was no person who was completely right or wrong in the situation, as is always the case in life. I don't claim to be a victim in the situation as it was my fault for not properly researching the entire situation before moving. I was just so desperate to get away from my Father that I was prepared to live in a parking lot in my car.... so in my haste I put myself in a bad situation. But enough of that story.
I was in the middle of a semester in technical college which I had transferred to when this first move went down. I moved into a crappy apartment complex which was all I could afford and all I could find with the short time period I had to move in. I was there for three months and the city condemned the entire complex and told us to get out.... So I moved twice during that semester. I managed to squeak by somehow, which amazes me still. I went through two moves, the loss of an important friendship, adjusting to a new city, working a new job, and living alone for the first time in many years. I thought.... PHEW, this has been the hardest semester of school EVER.
A word of advice to those out there reading this......... don't ever say things like that and tempt fate. She's a bitch and she has a wicked sense of humor.
I took the next semester off. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. My health has never been stellar but I was also physically exhausted all the time. I wasn't sleeping well either. I knew I needed a chance to de-stress a little and try to get some much needed rest.
So this year, for the fall semester I transferred from the technical college to the University of South Carolina at Upstate. I'm working towards my Bachelor's Degree in Informatics with a focus in healthcare. No it's not really what I "want" to do, but sometimes you have to move in "A" direction rather than not move at all. In any case, I had changed jobs as well and was working a dreaded telemarketer job due to my school schedule being wonky. (I had to drive back and forth to Spartanburg twice a week for a couple classes.)
At the end of August/beginning of September I lost my job. I don't like not having a job, but I wasn't too upset to be done with that either. I hated that job and they didn't care too much for me. I kept getting written up because I refused to harass people on the phone. I also refused to take advantage of old people by getting their credit card information and signing them up for something without them realizing what was going on. (Believe it or not, my supervisor did write me up for that and stated "He wouldn't have caught onto it.") I'm just not cool with that. I think it's funny that they sang hymns and talked about Jesus and yet I'm the one that is considered the "heathen". haha.
Anyway, they had told me they would work around my school schedule when it started up which was one reason I left my old job to begin with. Because I was 'too ethical' for them however, and the fact that I was having some health issues and had been forced to miss a few days of work (nothing extravagant), they refused to change my hours and basically pushed me out. Within the two/three week period of losing my job I had some medical tests ran and was called in to the office and told I had cancer. (Technically malignant neoplasm of fundus uteri / or / Endometrial adenocarcinoma).
Hearing you have cancer is kind of surreal. It didn't come as a shock however. My gut was telling me before I heard the words that it was coming. I was more concerned about how my Mom would take it honestly, than how I would deal. I was scheduled for immediate surgery within a month and had a total hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo oopherectomy and a staging. Basically they took the entire reproductive system out as well as my pelvic lymph nodes. The couple of weeks that I had between the diagnosis and the actual surgery were the hardest to deal with. I was pretty much all alone and the stress from worrying about the surgery, the outcome, my Mom, school, and my financial situation was beyond belief.
Obviously the surgery went well. There were a few complications afterwards but I got through them and am still in the process of healing. One of the reasons I'm back to the blog is that the hospital hooked me up with a counselor and she gave me the assignment of journaling my thoughts. I told her I was long-winded. I bet she's regretting telling me to write it out now. HAHA!
I think she wants to get a glimpse of how my mind works. I wondered for a split second if I should go back and delete any of my posts on this blog, but I decided against it. I'm proud of the fact that I've tried to continue learning and improving myself. Looking at who I was is a good indicator of the road I've walked down.
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