Here we go again!

Ok, this is getting to be a major problem. My body just does not want to let me sleep. I'm exhausted, and feel like I haven't had any healing rest in weeks. My brain feels heavy and sluggish, my feet and legs won't stop aching and burning, and my eyes feel like there's a layer of sand in there. It's really all starting to affect my mood, my temper and is making me anxious. Sigh, let sleep come please!

Insomnia.... motivation for slackers like me.

Insomnia has set in once again. It brought it's friend restless leg syndrome, so I couldn't just sit here and wait to fall asleep without feeling like the skin on my calves was about to split open and spew forth thousands of tiny little spiders. So I got up and washed the dishes *my most hated chore* and cleaned the living room. Mom's coming in tomorrow to stay for a little bit so it's good that I was up and cleaning I suppose. hah.

This weekend was crazy!! Friday I had attempted to organize a "Homemade Yule Gift Exchange." There were 100 people in the group. We reserved the big back room at Denny's. 9 people showed up. And that, folks, is the apathetic attitude that our community has. So many bitch and whine about how no one ever tries to organize get-togethers through the year.... but when you do and they have to put the tiniest bit of effort in... forget about it. I find that pretty sad and pathetic. But hey, if they want to make excuses and not participate in anything that's their right. I was very grateful for those that did show up and we had a good time so I'm cool with it.

Saturday I had a game night get together with a few people. We played Cards against Humanity. I think whoever made that game was genius. I also think that they should hire me to write the cards. LOL. It was rather interesting.

Sunday was the big Yule party at Ken's. It was relatively small, so that was nice (only about 25 people or so). We played a few games which most enjoyed (of course there had to be a few grumbling and mumbling, but that's always the case isn't it?). Something happened though when we were preparing to put the yule log in the fireplace that was disappointing. One of the guys there lost his Father, whom he was very close to and still has a hard time with grieving, and carries his ashes with him. He felt moved to put some of those ashes in the fireplace just before the yule log went in. This was an act that was very emotional, personal and spiritual; yet there were people there who continued to laugh, talk and carry on loudly. Total disrespect. It was disappointing because those people who were doing this know better, and usually act better than this. Even after Ken said, hey we're doing something spiritual here they kept on talking. Yuck. I made sure that when he was done I gave him a big hug and told him that he was a good son and that his Father I'm sure was very proud of him. I just wanted him to know that someone recognized the sacrifice he was making and that I was honored to be a witness to it. I could feel the emotion rolling out of him and it was powerful. He really is a good guy. When the Yule log came to me and I took my moment to put into it what I wanted left behind and what I wanted to see in the new year it surprised me because I got pretty choked up. I usually tuck all emotion deep inside so others won't see me so vulnerable, but it felt good to let it go and put it into the wood.

The favorite times for me at parties are always when people peel away and go home, and there's like 4 or 5 of us left late into the night. That's when we usually get into the good, deep conversations that really push boundaries and open into a learning experience. It usually is very healing, and we all learn a good bit about each other and ourselves. (Or at least I do.) Yeah so when I finally walked in my back door and put my pj's on it was 5:30am. Yikes!

Oh yeah, I don't usually drink tequila, but it's all I had at the house that wasn't open. Needless to say I was pretty exhausted Monday. Then Monday night we went riding around looking at lights for about 5 hours. Then insomnia again last night.

This morning I had a breakfast date with some friends. I felt pretty bad because I had taken my pain medicine late, trying to get the restless legs to calm down. So when I woke up earlier than I'm used to the drugs were still in my system and I was super groggy. Luckily my friend offered to come pick me up. She's such a sweetheart, and I'm super glad that she did because I really wanted to spend some time visiting. Afterwards, when she dropped me back at home it was pretty damn apparent that deity had set that all up on purpose. LOL. We sat outside for almost two hours talking about things that I haven't talked to anyone about in a very long time. I think she needed it; there seemed to be something that touched a nerve in her and she said she felt some things healed. I was so happy to hear her say that. I hope she knows that she always has a friend and an ear in me whenever she needs to talk. Sometimes you need that person who understands what you're explaining and who doesn't have any judgement on you or your sanity. There is a kinship there that I hope can strengthen in the new year. I'm going to make sure I put the effort and energy in to make that friendship stronger and to visit her more often. :)

So Yule is over and Xmas is next. I'm so excited for Mom to come up. I always miss her so much when she's not here and I know she needs the time away from Bud. I don't have money this year and it always bothers me that I can't afford to get her what she deserves. (BTW, she deserves everything and more. LOL). I managed to pick up a few little things. I made her a little plaque that I woodburned, and I also found a few things that I tweaked at the goodwill. OH! The best thing though... I managed to get her one of those 35.00 kindle fires on black Friday. I put it on my credit card along with the other little stuff, which I know is bad because I really REALLY don't need to keep using my credit card but it's all I have right now. And goddamit, I'm going to make sure she has something. We've always bought and bought for people, not because we feel we have to but because we like to make others happy and let them know we thought about them. Our problem is we usually go way overboard. We love doing it though, and up to the past couple years we were able to. But no one ever buys for us usually. It's a rare moment indeed. We don't gift to others expecting to get something back..... but it really makes you feel shitty when no one cares enough to get you anything.

So as usual, it's always been us two against the world. And we always make sure that we do whatever we can to make sure each other has something to open under the tree. Even if it's just a box of candy... and with all she's done for me this year especially I did my best to make sure she had some presents. I wish I could do more for her. There's not enough I could ever do to show her how much she means to me. Anyways............ enough of that!

With all that's happened this weekend and the observations and talks that I was a part of, it really reiterated to me just how people can be so clueless about themselves. I'm sure that I'm guilty of this as well. It just amazes me though how people can talk about others (not mean, but honestly) but yet they don't realize that same aspect that they're complaining about in themselves. I know that it's always easier to see the lessons that others need to learn rather than your own, but sometimes it's hard to believe when it's so obvious. Perhaps they're just in denial about how they do the same exact things that those they're speaking about do. I'm going to try to be more aware of this in myself and work on seeing the things that bother me in others in myself and work to change that part of me. That's a good resolution for the new year!

Well I've run my mouth enough. I know that no one is going to read this and I'm honestly kind of glad about it. I've been needing to journal a long time now and it feels good just to get stuff down and get back in the habit. I feel like Doogie Howser heh.

Self Reflection : My homework assignment begins!

My first assignment from my counselor was to start journaling again. So here we are.

There were a few things she wanted me to talk about and explore. I was told first to read about cognitive behavioral therapy. I made a joke about her ringing a bell and my salivating at that, and after researching it I have to chuckle because it does, indeed, make reference to Pavlov and conditioning. Sometimes I really amuse myself. lol.

We talked some today about what my 'end game' is and what my goals are. This has always been a hard one for me because truthfully I've never felt that feeling that tells a person that they've found their calling. I would love one day to help others. Wayne Dyer was a personal hero of mine and I admire how he was able to touch others and share wisdom. Maybe one day I'll be in a position where I've gathered enough life experiences and have the ability to help others through that.

I've known for many, many years now that I am extremely analytical and am far too in my head. This has it's good and bad qualities, but at the extent in which I stay trapped in this state I feel that it has more cons for me. It's become my crutch; my captor; my master - and I do not like this at all. I know that I am a much stronger person than this, yet I know that I am still lost in this state that I've lived in for so long.

When I read the posts from 2014 on this blog, I see that I'm still dealing with many of the same lessons. When I was sitting in the room where the Dr. told me I had cancer, the first thoughts in my head was that it was a direct manifestation of the negativity, stress, depression and anxiety that I had allowed to take root and flourish in my life.

When I wrote those posts last year they came from a place of my losing a friendship that was dear to me and being disappointed with the character and integrity of those involved in that situation. In dealing with the past few months and all of the trials I see now that those same situations have cycled around again with different people. I've often been told that I shouldn't put expectations on people because that is my attempting to control and/or project my desires onto them. I understand that side of it, but I also call bullshit in many ways. I now understand that those people telling you not to put expectations on others are often giving that advice not for your benefit but for their own. They don't want anyone to put expectations on them because they don't want to take responsibility for not meeting them. Now I'm not talking about irrational expectations; I'm talking about the basic expectations that you have in any type of relationship, whether it be friendships, family members, lovers, etc. Things like being able to count on them, having an equal amount of give and take, each making an effort in the relationship, caring about each other and building the other up, and not doing things purposefully that one knows will hurt the other.

Being sick and going through so many different emotions so quickly really teaches you about yourself but it also teaches you about others around you. Friends who you thought would be there drift away; things that you once thought were important now seem silly; beliefs and thought patterns shift drastically at times and your tolerance levels for foolishness are completely changed.

I'm making it. I managed to end the semester with two A's, a B+ and a B. I couldn't be happier as I missed a month and a half overall. I'm proud of myself for pulling through it. It wasn't easy and I put a LOT of effort into making sure I taught myself what I could by researching online and also taking the time to ask my Professors for help when I didn't understand something. I wish that the stress was less now that the cancer is gone; but it isn't. In many ways it's worse now. I've almost completely ran out of money and until the end of January, when hopefully the spring semester refunds will come through, I'm scraping what I can together. My car has left me stranded twice and it's been in and out of the shop at least four/five times in the past month. Add to all that hospital bills and my stress levels are still through the roof. I'm still not able to do a lot because I'm healing slowly inside (side affect of diabetes) and I still have major trouble sleeping and being exhausted.

Don't think I'm not thankful that the surgery was a success! I am, very much so. I was successful at making it through the semester. There's a lot that I'm thankful for. I am still working on changing my mindset into one of gratitude and positivity. It's an ongoing process. I hope that my therapist (Let's give her a fun name......we'll call her Rhea) is able to help me with learning how to retrain my brain. Today she said it was like I was two people...... when I talk about things outside of myself I'm passionate and positive, but when talking about myself I'm all negative Nancy and bleah. It's true, I totally see it.Time to go to work. I'll take the red pill please.

Hello, it's me again Margaret.

Here we go again friends. It's been another year since posting here. I just went back and read all of my posts; all the way back to 2003. I was such a kid then, but still a pretty insightful kid I suppose. I still see a lot of myself in those words, even though I'm a completely different person now.

I suppose I should explain why I'm back here once more. I truly do love to write and it's one of the best ways that I express myself. Yes I know I'm long winded. But this is a personal journal of sorts so I'm good with my lengthy explanations. It makes it much easier when I'm gone for ten years and come back to this blog and want to see where my younger self's mind was at.

Most of us are smack dab in the middle of winter holidays at the moment. Yule is fast approaching and then after it Christmas. (I have no problem celebrating them both. It's a link between my past and my present, and both holidays represent an energy of love/rebirth/hope/etc. in my mind.)

So what's been happening? Well the last few times I posted I had just moved to Greenville, SC and was trying to adjust. But I had just been slapped by life and had to move from the first place I lived due to a clash in personalities with the people who lived above me (it was a very unhealthy and dangerous situation so I felt I had to get out for safety reasons as well). I lost a very good friendship in the process and the way in which that relationship deteriorated caused me a lot of pain. There was no person who was completely right or wrong in the situation, as is always the case in life. I don't claim to be a victim in the situation as it was my fault for not properly researching the entire situation before moving. I was just so desperate to get away from my Father that I was prepared to live in a parking lot in my car.... so in my haste I put myself in a bad situation.  But enough of that story.

I was in the middle of a semester in technical college which I had transferred to when this first move went down. I moved into a crappy apartment complex which was all I could afford and all I could find with the short time period I had to move in. I was there for three months and the city condemned the entire complex and told us to get out.... So I moved twice during that semester. I managed to squeak by somehow, which amazes me still. I went through two moves, the loss of an important friendship, adjusting to a new city, working a new job, and living alone for the first time in many years. I thought.... PHEW, this has been the hardest semester of school EVER.

A word of advice to those out there reading this......... don't ever say things like that and tempt fate. She's a bitch and she has a wicked sense of humor.

I took the next semester off. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. My health has never been stellar but I was also physically exhausted all the time. I wasn't sleeping well either. I knew I needed a chance to de-stress a little and try to get some much needed rest.

So this year, for the fall semester I transferred from the technical college to the University of South Carolina at Upstate. I'm working towards my Bachelor's Degree in Informatics with a focus in healthcare. No it's not really what I "want" to do, but sometimes you have to move in "A" direction rather than not move at all. In any case, I had changed jobs as well and was working a dreaded telemarketer job due to my school schedule being wonky. (I had to drive back and forth to Spartanburg twice a week for a couple classes.)

At the end of August/beginning of September I lost my job. I don't like not having a job, but I wasn't too upset to be done with that either. I hated that job and they didn't care too much for me. I kept getting written up because I refused to harass people on the phone. I also refused to take advantage of old people by getting their credit card information and signing them up for something without them realizing what was going on. (Believe it or not, my supervisor did write me up for that and stated "He wouldn't have caught onto it.") I'm just not cool with that. I think it's funny that they sang hymns and talked about Jesus and yet I'm the one that is considered the "heathen". haha.

Anyway, they had told me they would work around my school schedule when it started up which was one reason I left my old job to begin with. Because I was 'too ethical' for them however, and the fact that I was having some health issues and had been forced to miss a few days of work (nothing extravagant), they refused to change my hours and basically pushed me out. Within the two/three week period of losing my job I had some medical tests ran and was called in to the office and told I had cancer. (Technically malignant neoplasm of fundus uteri / or / Endometrial adenocarcinoma).

Hearing you have cancer is kind of surreal. It didn't come as a shock however. My gut was telling me before I heard the words that it was coming. I was more concerned about how my Mom would take it honestly, than how I would deal. I was scheduled for immediate surgery within a month and had a total hysterectomy, bilateral salpingo oopherectomy and a staging. Basically they took the entire reproductive system out as well as my pelvic lymph nodes. The couple of weeks that I had between the diagnosis and the actual surgery were the hardest to deal with. I was pretty much all alone and the stress from worrying about the surgery, the outcome, my Mom, school, and my financial situation was beyond belief.

Obviously the surgery went well. There were a few complications afterwards but I got through them and am still in the process of healing. One of the reasons I'm back to the blog is that the hospital hooked me up with a counselor and she gave me the assignment of journaling my thoughts. I told her I was long-winded. I bet she's regretting telling me to write it out now. HAHA!

I think she wants to get a glimpse of how my mind works. I wondered for a split second if I should go back and delete any of my posts on this blog, but I decided against it. I'm proud of the fact that I've tried to continue learning and improving myself. Looking at who I was is a good indicator of the road I've walked down.