My first assignment from my counselor was to start journaling again. So here we are.
There were a few things she wanted me to talk about and explore. I was told first to read about cognitive behavioral therapy. I made a joke about her ringing a bell and my salivating at that, and after researching it I have to chuckle because it does, indeed, make reference to Pavlov and conditioning. Sometimes I really amuse myself. lol.
We talked some today about what my 'end game' is and what my goals are. This has always been a hard one for me because truthfully I've never felt that feeling that tells a person that they've found their calling. I would love one day to help others. Wayne Dyer was a personal hero of mine and I admire how he was able to touch others and share wisdom. Maybe one day I'll be in a position where I've gathered enough life experiences and have the ability to help others through that.
I've known for many, many years now that I am extremely analytical and am far too in my head. This has it's good and bad qualities, but at the extent in which I stay trapped in this state I feel that it has more cons for me. It's become my crutch; my captor; my master - and I do not like this at all. I know that I am a much stronger person than this, yet I know that I am still lost in this state that I've lived in for so long.
When I read the posts from 2014 on this blog, I see that I'm still dealing with many of the same lessons. When I was sitting in the room where the Dr. told me I had cancer, the first thoughts in my head was that it was a direct manifestation of the negativity, stress, depression and anxiety that I had allowed to take root and flourish in my life.
When I wrote those posts last year they came from a place of my losing a friendship that was dear to me and being disappointed with the character and integrity of those involved in that situation. In dealing with the past few months and all of the trials I see now that those same situations have cycled around again with different people. I've often been told that I shouldn't put expectations on people because that is my attempting to control and/or project my desires onto them. I understand that side of it, but I also call bullshit in many ways. I now understand that those people telling you not to put expectations on others are often giving that advice not for your benefit but for their own. They don't want anyone to put expectations on them because they don't want to take responsibility for not meeting them. Now I'm not talking about irrational expectations; I'm talking about the basic expectations that you have in any type of relationship, whether it be friendships, family members, lovers, etc. Things like being able to count on them, having an equal amount of give and take, each making an effort in the relationship, caring about each other and building the other up, and not doing things purposefully that one knows will hurt the other.
Being sick and going through so many different emotions so quickly really teaches you about yourself but it also teaches you about others around you. Friends who you thought would be there drift away; things that you once thought were important now seem silly; beliefs and thought patterns shift drastically at times and your tolerance levels for foolishness are completely changed.
I'm making it. I managed to end the semester with two A's, a B+ and a B. I couldn't be happier as I missed a month and a half overall. I'm proud of myself for pulling through it. It wasn't easy and I put a LOT of effort into making sure I taught myself what I could by researching online and also taking the time to ask my Professors for help when I didn't understand something. I wish that the stress was less now that the cancer is gone; but it isn't. In many ways it's worse now. I've almost completely ran out of money and until the end of January, when hopefully the spring semester refunds will come through, I'm scraping what I can together. My car has left me stranded twice and it's been in and out of the shop at least four/five times in the past month. Add to all that hospital bills and my stress levels are still through the roof. I'm still not able to do a lot because I'm healing slowly inside (side affect of diabetes) and I still have major trouble sleeping and being exhausted.
Don't think I'm not thankful that the surgery was a success! I am, very much so. I was successful at making it through the semester. There's a lot that I'm thankful for. I am still working on changing my mindset into one of gratitude and positivity. It's an ongoing process. I hope that my therapist (Let's give her a fun name......we'll call her Rhea) is able to help me with learning how to retrain my brain. Today she said it was like I was two people...... when I talk about things outside of myself I'm passionate and positive, but when talking about myself I'm all negative Nancy and bleah. It's true, I totally see it.Time to go to work. I'll take the red pill please.
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