Straining to Understand

It's been another one of those nights. You know the kind I mean. The ones when some stray thought sends you off on a wild tangent and eventually you end up coming across things that make your brain want to scream.



It's a good thing. I like the feeling. No, I lie..... I LOVE that feeling. At the same time though, it's a love/hate relationship. Why hate you ask? *sigh* I'm not sure really. I get frustrated so easily.... there's so much that I have this strong desire to learn. Where does one start? There is no clear beginning. I'm not sure if there should be one. (In the sense that I'm sure I've already begun although I don't realize it yet.) And yes, I admit... I long to have a teacher finally come along. Now no, I'm not talking about someone like Charlie Manson. LOL! I want someone who simply will ask me the questions and make me think on my own. But who will also lead me in a direction that helps me find the path I'm meant to be on. I guess when I think of it, I think of something similar to a tribal elder if you will (like from Native American ways). They say if you ask for a teacher and you're ready, one will come. And I know that most of the time they'll be there long before you realize it, and it always seems to be the most unusual source. In truth, we are all each other's teachers...... Bah, I'll leave that thought alone.



In any case, I added some new links tonight. Found a few good ones that I hope someone will enjoy. I also found a few sites that deal heavily with demonology and the occult. I hesitate to put them up here however, you know what kind of religious fanatics are out there! All I need is to start getting hate mail from "Christ loves you but I want to rip out your liver" type people. Heh, that reminds me..... I watched "The Seventh Sign" for about the hundredth time tonight. Gotta love that movie. And I'm not being heartless, but it DOES make me giggle everytime I see Demi Moore pull her butcher knife on Jesus. I'm just thinking..... ya know THAT shit would be exactly what would go down if there was/is a Jesus and he did come back. At the same time, the thought of an immortal/divine presence being held at knife point just makes me giggle. I'm weird, go figure. Excellent movie though, even if you're not christian *which I'm not* but have an interest in anything religious.



Other movies that I enjoy?? Well, in truth anything that deals with religion, the occult, psi phenomenon, and basically anything just 'weird'. Oh and vampires. Gotta love vampires. Ok so here's some of my faves (not including LOTR and vampire flicks, b/c that would take forever):

Prophecy (parts 1, 2, & 3.... altho 3 is my fave.) - the ones with Christopher Walken. For those of you who've never seen these........ RENT THEM! They're about the war btwn angels. Viggo plays Lucifer, and can I just say made an EXCELLENT one.

The 13th Warrior (Norse type mythology... oh and Dennis Storhoi is the added bonus. On a sidenote, he looks exactly in that movie as what I picture Loki looking like. heh)

Clash of the Titans (It's a classic.........)

The Seventh Sign (Jesus is back and he is PISSED!)

Stigmata (A non-believer is inflicted with stigmata and a priest investigates.)

The Omen (all parts. Again..... another classic.)

The Exorcist (I've only seen part one but OMG was it great!)

End of Days (See my Ahnold post on Lovebuds. hehe. Kind of interesting occult ties.)

Dogma (Sorta goofy film.... But it's worth it just to see Alan Rickman as the voice of god)

Dune (The original one. Great movie, if not long. But I loved it.)

Harry Potter (All of 'em. I'm glad to see something that *may* let children know that people involved in 'magic' aren't 'evil' as most religions would like them to think.)

Hearts In Atlantis (Story of a man trying to escape from the government's psychic research thingy.)

Little Nicky (Yeah stupid but "Papa Lucifer" gettin together with Tithead is well worth watching.)

Ugh there are so many more. Mostly anything dealing with strange themes intrigue me. I love movies like "The Body" and "The Skulls" that deal with secret societies and the coverups thereof. If you know of a good one please let me know! I'm always on the look out.

Rain Down

"Yet mystery and imagination arise from the same source.

This source is called darkness. . . .

Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all understanding." -Lao-tsu



Someone told me once that they thought I was bi-polar. Someone told me once that they thought I was crazy. I suppose both are probably true.



There are some of us who understand darkness. Well, let me rephrase that. We may not understand darkness, but we feel at home in it. We are the ones they call freaks, outsiders, weirdos. I don't mean literal darkness, as in the night... Although that usually feels more natural to us as well. I am speaking of figurative darkness. I won't try to explain any farther, because it is not easily described. I'll suffice in knowing that those in this place will completely understand what I'm saying.



Let me say this though, there are different types of darkness. There are definite places where one is not safe to be. Sometimes it can be intoxicating, and you fall so hard and fast that to those not able to handle it, it becomes like a jailer. There is a difference, a very fine line between darkness and depression, much like the thin line between genius and insanity. One never experiences the one without tip-toeing into the other.



It is important to be positive in your life. In truth, what you send out into the cosmos will most definitely return to you in time. I'm not trying to argue that point. But there is also a balance that one must maintain. Like the yin yang, you cannot have one without the other. They are the perfect symbiotic energies. I think it's a mistake to discount and try to 'push away' the darkness. Without embracing the darkness completely you cannot experience the light. Of course, that's simply my opinion.



I am in a moment of that darkness now. I feel changed when I'm in this state, but I like it. I just have to be careful. In any case, I only feel moved to write when I'm here. So I'm going to share it with you.



Puddles

There are times like this; dark times,

When the tiredness quietly crawls back into me,

My thoughts collect like puddles in a storm.

And the restlessness peeps its head out to play.



It’s in these moments when I feel the weight of my existence,

The centuries and eons that have climbed upon my back.

There are memories that exist just outside of my understanding,

And the blood in my veins feels thick and sluggish like sand.



How I wish now that I could glimpse something of the truth,

Some tiny thing that may explain what it is I hold inside.

At times I feel as if I’m hollow; some empty cavern

That was left behind when the creature left the nest.



Then there are moments when I walk as if in a dream,

And I wander at the layers upon layers in which I’m embedded.

Always I feel that I do not belong here; something is wrong.

Too long have I questioned myself for rhyme or reason.



There are never any answers to be found.

I sink farther and farther down into my wasteland.

It is not a bad place,

I am more at home here than I’ve ever been.



It’s not that I’m drowning in depression,

It’s that I feel the darkness inside of myself.

The chaos, the part deep down that drives me to move on…

It is where my spirit dwells.



I suppose everyone thinks this to be a bad place,

I cannot show it to them, so they cannot know.

I do not feel afraid to be here, it is home.

My heart feels at peace in this place.



Wrapped up like a newborn babe,

My beginning was here, in my infancy I was led away,

For whatever reason. And now I cannot return.

I wonder if I am missed, does emotion even exist in that world?



It seems to me that in this place, one is never missed.

When you are there, you are free.

The world is inside of you; you are never alone.

All is one. One is all. Connected. Completed. Safe.



And so I close my eyes.

Straining to remember what my peace was like.

Feeling somewhat lost and abandoned.

I am but one tiny star in the sky.



How many times have I asked for guidance?

To be shown only the path

That may lead me closer to this goal

Of returning to where I’m meant to be.



Perhaps they have given up hope,

So long has it been that I’ve been away.

Yet they are wise, and they are patient.

I hear their voices carry across my mind.



Always there, just out of reach.

I’m sure now that they watch me.

This time and this place has warped their truth,

And I have been trapped by a false fear.



To them I must be like a soft wind

That blows across their face.

They feel me, as I feel them.

Tugging gently at each other’s memory.



Somehow, in some way…

I know that they are there, the others, listening for my return.

Wait for me, my family.

I am coming home.

Roads Into Nothing

It's been a little while, but here I am again. I don't know if anyone is out there reading this or not, and in truth I really don't care either way. I hope someone stumbles onto it and finds something interesting, but I'm still content with just spilling my thoughts as a service to myself. It would be wonderful one day to get an email from someone who is into the whole 3d Mindtrap experience and wants to chat. What is the 3d mindtrap experience?

 

Well to be honest, when I chose a name for this blog I really just pulled it out of the air. I didn't have an explanation for it, or why I chose it.... other than I knew I wanted it to be a place where I could spit my random thoughts and one day look back to see what I've learned or thought about. Yes, I know I have a main blog (Lovebuds), but I share that with a friend, and well.... she's not really into my freaky mind rambles. So now you know why 3d mindtrap exists. When I started this blog, I was just feeling the gentle 'tug' at the insides of my being that eventually led me to quantum physics. Something has been telling me for a while now that I need to start learning about energy. Heh, for those of you wondering... yep I'm another one of those wacko metaphysical people. But that's ok! I enjoy it. And in truth I think it's unfair to limit myself or try and live by a label. I believe in nothing, and everything. It depends on how you phrase the question.

 

The more I've been reading and learning though about different theories, the more I realize that the 3d mindtrap name wasn't a mistake or some random thing. The more I think and slosh ideas around in my head, the more I realize that we are really trapped. We are trapped in how gullible and complacent we all have become. In our little heads, we have stopped trying to discover and learn from what is around us and have simply come to the conclusion that it's either too hard or unnecessary to learn. We don't need it anymore. We need cars, nice houses, computers, vacations, toys, awards, social status, money, jewelry, fancy jobs, and the desire to be better than everyone else around us. It's always been my thought that the more technologically advanced we are, the less spiritual we become. It's a sticky situation, because while we find ourselves being able to do more in our modern world, we also find ourselves becoming less and less able to tap into our own divine nature. So the 3d mindtrap experience, I've decided, is the effort to break free of the little traps that we've created for ourselves and be actively, consciously involved in the greater picture.

 

Now I'm sure some out there are saying, "So, what do we need to tap into that for anyway?" I suppose some have absolutely no desire in it whatsoever, and that's fine for them. I'm a firm believer in to each their own. I can't say there is a definite why someone should want to do it. At times I feel that there is a very definite reason as to why we're all here, and that we all have certain things to learn and to do. Then there are times when I simply think that we just are, without rhyme or reason and that there really is no big question to be answered. That we simply exist and that we should just live in the moment and not ask why, how or what we're supposed to be doing. The truth of things, I'm sure, probably lies somewhere in between the two.

 

I'm not sure why I'm here now, instead of floating as some loose body of energy vibrations that shifts continuously in a slippery web of being. On some level perhaps that's exactly what I am doing, only without realizing it. I have always felt that one of the main lessons I was to learn in this life was that of humility. This I have accomplished hands down, and I also know that another lesson was to learn to overcome myself. You read right...... overcome myself. To hit rock bottom and loathe what and who you are, and then come back and learn to trust and love in yourself. That I'm still working on.

 

In reading further in the 4th Dimension book, I find myself thinking about ideas that it throws out there. I'll admit that parts of the book (mainly those dealing with math or equations) I still don't quite understand. But for the most part it all makes sense to me. What catches me the most is how the book talks about different dimensions and how they are existing around each other all the time, and how we can't even see it. When I was young I had no clue what dimensions were, I had just called them 'planes of existence'. I knew that different 'planes of existence' existed all around us, but I also never knew that there was anyone out there who agreed with me, much less great scientific minds!

 

You see, I'm hoping someone out there can help me with something. It's hard for me to admit, because those of you out there who may be reading this will probably chalk me up as some nutjob. That's alright though, I need to learn not to worry about what people think of me anyway. So here goes.... I've known for a long time that the reason I can't 'see' things is because I have a fear of being able to. You see, I had an experience when I was around 13 that really shook me. It actually ended up giving me a heavy duty phobia for about 8 years. No I won't go into detail as to what happened, but let's just say it was weird and I had no clue what it was. Now I know what it was, and we'll just say that it was somewhat like a spirit sighting. Or seeing a ghost, only different. Ok.... now...... I was 'closed' for a long time. For those of you who don't believe in any metaphysical type 'mumbo jumbo', skip the rest of this. LOL. For those of you who realize that there are other things going on.... you'll understand what I'm saying. I've known for a long time that I'm stuck at this spot. I eventually overcame my phobia (although it still kicks in from time to time), and I gradually learned to distinguish my intuitions and follow them. Sometimes I can feel things, and sometimes I have those dreams in which you know you've tapped into something more than just a dream. I know that I could go further, that I could have the ability to be even more sensitive to the things around me. The problem is fear. I'm scared to death of that first initial time that I 'see' something or someone. When I lie in bed at night I have to face the wall and I have to be curled in cover. I'm not scared of the dark; I'm scared of turning over or opening my eyes and seeing someone or something standing there. Be it a person, a spirit, a ghost, whatever.

 

So I'm stuck at this point. I KNOW that spirits or ghosts are simply beings on other dimensions that sometimes can 'cross over' or gain access to our 'plane of existence'. I also believe that these beings that are made of energy have the ability to shape that energy into anything they like, which sometimes gives the illusion to people of them being 'animal-like', or strange looking. It's all about how that energy wishes for that person to perceive them, and also some depends on how that person chooses to perceive them. I don't think that any of these things are going to hurt me or anything, and that's not the fear that I have. My fear is the shock of the thing itself, the actual seeing. So how does one get past this fear? If I can do it, I know that the door will open and I will be better able to find my road to enlightenment. I feel like I'm cheating myself, because I know what I have to do now... I just simply don't know how to do it. It's like being a world-class runner and having agoraphobia when the Olympics come around. You have the drive, the desire, the ability to do it...... but there's this one obstacle that you just can't handle.

 

So for anyone with any experience in these things, I'd love to hear your ideas. Someone once suggested getting hypnotized and having my subconscious told that it was ok to see things, but I have neither the money or access to do that. I would do it though, if I was able.

 

I think that for me, being able to 'see' is a key step in breaking out of the 3d mindtrap that we find ourselves in. I don't have any answers as to why I should, or what good it will do. But I know that something inside tells me that it's something I need to do, and I've learned that those feelings you have inside are there for a reason. Intuition is truly what makes us ALL divine in nature. So I look forward to hearing from someone soon. And if I don't, then I'll just keep stumbling along until hit the right road.

 

What To Learn??

I had a good day today. Met some new people and hopefully some new friends whom are like minded. I think that most, if not all, of them were in fact Wiccan, which is cool... but I think that they'll be alright with me just being pagan. There was 8 of us total; 7 women and 1 man. The energy was good and everyone seemed to click pretty well. Everyone was nice and seemed pretty grounded, which was refreshing because usually I have a tendency to meet psycho people! lol.



Anyway we decided to try and start a 'learning group' and to try and start getting together and studying different things together. Not a coven mind you, just a learning group. I think it would be great fun!! And it would be nice getting to know them all better and meshing our thoughts and ideas around and having someone to grow with. I'm not sure if any of them are into energy or quantum physics theories, but maybe some of them are. I'm hoping!!



So the lady that started the email group to begin with asked us to think about what things we'd like to learn about within the group and I've been sitting here thinking. There's so much that I'd like to learn about! I'm like a sponge, I want to learn so much. LOL. But I think I'm going to narrow it down to things that might be good to learn about in the group. Some things I think I'd just have to study on my own. Here's a few thoughts....



-Herbs (magical, medicinal and also cooking qualities)

-Stones & their uses/properties

-Chakras

-Dreamwork & Lucid dreaming

-Energy fields, energy ripples, auras etc.

-Divination of various kinds

-Comparing various religious pantheons



I'd love to study energy and dimensions from a quantum physics standpoint, but that would probably have to be someone other than me into it for that to work. There are other things I'm sure that would be good in a group but I can't think of right now. If you have any ideas pass them along! :)

Better Late Than Never!

Ok I finally made it back! I really REALLY wanted to get back here that same night, but something came up.. as it usually does. That's ok though, you know how I am. heh.



SO! On to deity. This is going to be fun fun because truthfully I have no idea how to describe how I feel on this one. I guess I should just jump right in.



When I was little I went to church. Even up into my teen years somewhat, but that was really only because afterwards my friends and I went out on the town. lol. But even when I was little something didn't feel quite right. Left over thoughts from a past life? Who knows. My parents weren't super religious but they did believe in god and the bible. You can't grow up in the deep south and not have a background with religion however, so it's in my past as well. The first time I questioned I was in middle school. If I'm not mistaken it was in my 6th grade challenge class (sort of those classes they put the above average kids in). We were studying the Greek pantheon and the teacher was telling us how the Greek people 'made up' gods to explain things that they couldn't explain. A light bulb went off in my little brain and my hand shot up. And my question was if those gods were made up, how are they any different from the christian god? Maybe someone made him up to explain how we got here and why we live. Makes sense to me. Needless to say I was sent to the guidance office everyday after that. I was such a trouble maker. Hehe.



From that moment on I've contemplated the universe, religion, spirituality and just what I'm supposed to be doing here. Deity is one of the hardest things to talk to anyone about because people get SO defensive about it. They feel like if you don't agree that their chosen god is all-powerful then you are somehow committing some great dastardly deed. Ugh!



Ok, well as I've said, I've always been into the weirder things in life. The good strange paranormal/metaphysical stuff. Somehow it seems to fit for the most part. And I believe that certain entities exist. Whether you call them ghosts, spirits, or whatever... I call them entitites. Basically they're just certain aspects of that energy that makes up everything. There are neither good nor bad, (the angels/demons if you will), but have different intents, much like people do. It is my guess that nothing is purely good nor bad/ black nor white. Everything is a shade of gray, as one cannot exist without the other. Only intent exists. (We'll have that discussion later on lol.)



Now the closest thing that I can figure is that there have been what most call 'enlightened masters' that have lived at various moments in time. I believe that these 'masters' were so shocking and able to do miraculous things that people idolized them. Over time the legends of them grew infamous and thus to the people they became gods. This could have been going on since cave-man time. Major things like weather, seasons, nature etc... also gave rise to gods in the sense that these things hold great power and people usually tend to have to associate power with some sort of person/being.



When I try to explain this to someone their favorite question is usually, "Well if there is no god then how did we get here?" I didn't say that I could explain that. I have no clue! If I knew that I'd probably be off exploring new universes. lol. You see I think that religion has one great thing, and that is faith. You don't have to believe in god to have faith. You can have faith in whatever you have it in. I have faith in the fact that I don't need to know all the answers. We never will. I have no problem with anyone's faiths or beliefs so long as they don't try to impose them on me and they don't hurt anyone.



I find it sad though that people feel the need to 'save' people or impose their beliefs on someone else. To me that just shows how much of a LACK of conviction they really have. If you aren't able to have such a strong connection with whatever you have faith in that you feel the need to destroy all other belief systems so as to not have any competition..... then well that's your problem. If you truly believed in what you said you did then it wouldn't matter what others thought.



I have a lot more to say no the subject of deity, but I'm gonna let it rest at that right now. Any comments or questions just pop 'em into the comment section or email me at concubine@gmail.com!

Little Changes

Well it looks like I'm going to have to use this template for the time being. I've got some tweaking to do on the old one, and until I get around to getting it done it just wasn't doing what I wanted it to.



Have no fear. The Rapa Nui man will return eventually. :)

Always Wondering

I had a somewhat interesting conversation last night with someone who stumbled on these blogs and is also interested in quantum physics. Now I don't know this person, and I have to admit it kind of shocked me that someone was paying attention to this blog in particular, but it was nice to chat with someone who is also into these types of things. I wish I had the ability to talk to more people who enjoy this type of thing, but to be honest I doubt I could keep up with most of what they would be saying. It seems that most of the people into this have been college educated IN physics.... and I have just researched things on my own. So I really don't comprehend the scientific terms and examples. LOL. Oh well, at least I'm trying!



In any case, the chat got me thinking about things again. Perhaps I can really dig around on the net and find some articles and things that explain in layman's terms.



It really amazes me how closely some of the theories and ideas of physics and certain metaphysical attributes tie in together. There's a nice little article written about it on the Witchvox website HERE.



It's funny to think about, for me... religion, myth, mysticism; they're all the same. In trying to describe my views on deity I realized that a lot of people won't get what I'm trying to say unless they can understand somewhat the fact that we are all simply energy zigzagging around. People keep asking me where my beliefs lie, what religion I am, what "GOD" I believe in and so forth. I figure I can try to explain, but keep in mind that beliefs or ideas (in my opinion) should be constantly changing as our lives and experiences are constantly changing. Not to say that I don't have beliefs that I have complete faith in, because I do. But I think that you can hold a basic idea of something and still have it grow and develop as you yourself grow and develop. It's like learning basic math in elementary school. For the rest of your life you will always know that 2+2=4. But eventually you learn algebra and geometry and you realize that sometimes you have to elaborate on the basics and you learn new concepts. I hope I'm making sense so far! People who hold onto something so tightly that they refuse to hear anything other than what is in line with their ideas 100% really make me feel sorry for them in a way. We are ever-changing, as is our world. It only makes sense that our patterns of thought change along with it.



Ok, so I am going to get into deity but I don't think my brain is into it right now. I really am a night owl, and for some reason I think better at night. It's still too early in the day for me to really get into gear. heh. So this will commence later tonight my friends! I'd love to hear any of your views so if you're reading feel free to start a good discussion. :)

SEE! TOLD YA!

I hope you made it through the article. I was so excited when I found it. Makes a lot of sense, at least to me. Granted, I don't necessarily believe exactly as it does in relation to God and the religious aspect, but that part is and always will be personal interpretation.



I'm going to try to find time to start researching certain aspects of 'energy transference' such as people who have healed themselves or others, etc. Maybe we'll find something interesting there. :) If you hear of anything please feel free to email me! The addy is: concubine@gmail.com

Vewy Vewy Interesting

Ok, I've had this article printed out for a long time now and I keep meaning to add it to the blog. Yep, I'm a slow ass. But here it is finally. I'm really going to try to make an effort to start updating this more often. *Fingers crossed*



Quantum Physics Saves Businesses, Entrepreneurs and Countries Worldwide



Everywhere you turn around the world today you find signs of ‘turbulent times’. The Enron collapse, the Argentinean currency crisis, the global layoffs, bankruptcies, unemployment, stock market performance and small business difficulties worldwide have everyone asking ‘what is wrong and how do we fix it?’ As if that is not enough, terror and violence near and far are grabbing us by our collars and demanding our attention and solution. We are not sure what that solution might be, but voices around the world do seem to indicate that there is an agreement that we need to understand how things work a whole lot better than we do now. Isn’t it amazing that the answer would arise out of the most unlikely places? In the study of Quantum Physics.



FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:



CONTACT:



David Cameron Gikandi

Images of One

david@imagesofone.com

http://www.ImagesOfOne.com



Quantum Physics Saves Businesses, Entrepreneurs and Countries Worldwide



Main Beach, QLD, AUSTRALIA, Wednesday, May 15, 2002 — Everywhere you turn around the world today you find signs of ‘turbulent times’. The Enron collapse, the Argentinean currency crisis, the global layoffs, bankruptcies, unemployment, stock market performance and small business difficulties worldwide have everyone asking ‘what is wrong and how do we fix it?’ As if that is not enough, terror and violence near and far are grabbing us by our collars and demanding our attention and solution.



It almost seams as if we see that there is a solution that is very different from the way we usually handle things. We are not sure what that solution might be, but voices around the world do seem to indicate that there is an agreement that we need to understand how things work a whole lot better than we do now. Isn’t it amazing that the answer would arise out of the most unlikely places? In the study of Quantum Physics.



Quantum physics tells us that it is the act of observing an object that causes it to be there where and how we observe it. An object does not exist independently of its observer! Many Nobel Prize winning physicists have recently (starting in the 1920s) proven beyond doubt that the physical world is one large sea of energy that flashes into and out of being in a fraction of a second, over and over again. Nothing is solid. This is the world of Quantum Physics. They have proven that thoughts are what put together and hold together this ever-changing energy field into the ‘objects’ that we see.



So why do we see a person instead of a flashing cluster of energy? Think of a movie reel. A movie is a collection of about 24 frames a minute. Each frame is separated by a gap. However, because of the speed at which one frame replaces another, our eyes get cheated into thinking that we see a continuous and moving picture. Think of television. A TV tube is simply a tube with heaps of electrons hitting the screen in a certain way, creating the illusion of form and motion. This is what all objects are anyway. You have 5 physical senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste). Each of those senses has a specific spectrum (for example, a dog hears a different range of sound than you do; a snake sees a different spectrum of light than you do; and so on). In other words, your set of senses perceives the sea of energy from a certain limited standpoint and makes up an image from that. It is not complete, nor is it accurate. It is just an interpretation.



Our thoughts are linked to this energy and they determine what the energy forms. This explains things such as positive thinking, prayer, faith, creativity, goal-setting, disease, and much more in a very scientific way. Your thoughts literally shift the universe on a particle-by-particle basis to create your physical life. Look around you. Everything you see started as an idea, an idea that grew as it was shared and expressed, until it grew enough into a physical object through any number of ‘manufacturing’ or ‘growth’ steps. You literally become what you think about most. Your life becomes what you have imagined and believed in most. The world is literally your mirror, enabling you to experience in the physical plane what you hold as your truth – until you change it. You know this to be true internally, and so do most people and that is why people know instinctively that positive thinking works.



Quantum physics shows you that the world is not the hard and unchangeable thing it may appear to be. Instead, it is a very fluid place continuously built up using our individual and collective thoughts and states of being as a society, country, family, planet, solar system, or universe. We have begun to uncover the illusion.



What is your body made of? Tissues and organs. What are tissues and organs made of? Cells. What are cells made of? Molecules. What are molecules made of? Atoms. What are atoms made of? Sub-atomic particles. What are sub-atomic particles made of? Energy? No. They are not made of energy; they are energy. You are one big ‘chunk’ of energy. And so is everything else. Spirit and Mind puts together this energy into the physical shape you are used to seeing with your limited set of senses. If you go into a high-tech lab right now and ask them to let you see yourself under a powerful electron microscope and conduct other experiments on yourself, you will see that you are made up of a cluster of ever-changing energy in the form of electrons, neutrons, photons and so on. And so is your wallet, your spouse, your car, and everything else.



Energy is the sub-atomic particles that come together to ‘make up’ atoms, which come together to ‘make up’ matter. Matter is energy. Matter is not converted energy, it is energy. Ever heard of Einstein’s equation, E=mc2? What it means is that any piece of matter of mass m is energy that can be calculated by multiplying that mass by the speed of light squared (what a large number!). You are literally made up of light, the same stuff light is made of (hence the Bible and many other spiritual texts tell us that light was the first thing to be created). Scientifically speaking, this energy exists as waves spread out over space and time. Only when you exercise observation do these waves become particles localized as a space-time event, a particle at a particular ‘time’ and ‘space’. As soon as you withdraw observation, they become a wave again. So, as you can see, your observation, your attention to something, and your intention, literally creates that thing as a space-time event. This is scientific. Even your relationships with other people are governed this way by unfailing laws of cause and effect.



Your world is made of spirit, mind and body. Each of those three, spirit, mind and body, has a function that is unique to it and not shared with the other. What you see with your eyes and experience with your body is the physical world, which we shall call Body. Body is an effect, created by a cause. This cause is Thought. Body cannot create. It can only experience and be experienced – that is its unique function. Thought cannot experience – it can only make up, create and interpret. It needs a world of relativity (the physical world, Body) to experience itself. Spirit is All That Is, that which gives Life to Thought and Body. Body has no power to create, although it gives the illusion of power to do so. This illusion is the cause of much frustration.



In the beginning, The Source of All That Is, God, had a Thought, a Will. God had an Idea, a Thought, a Will that you Become, and so you were. You are an extension of God’s Thought, God’s Will. Because you are an extension, you are exactly created in God’s Own Image and Likeness. Not physically, no, but your Self, your Spirit, is in God’s Image and Likeness. God’s Thought has infinite creative ability, and You being an extension of God’s Thought, your Thought has the same power. That is why you can achieve whatever you believe, and even right now as we speak you are achieving exactly what you believe in most. This rule is never broken. The only differences between you and God are that: (i) you have forgotten What You Really Are but you are now remembering and (ii) God created you in God’s own image and likeness but you did not create God (same as a parent and child on earth). In that forgetting, you have let your thoughts ‘run wild’ and have fear and worry, and out of that they create a world that is composed of exactly the things you fear and worry about. And because you are unaware you are at cause, you think there is such a thing as an idle thought that has no effect, and that conditions just happen to you without your control. Yet if you watch your thoughts closely, you will never fail to discover that you often daydream thousands of negative, worrisome, attacking and petty thoughts that very closely mirror what you experience. Watch your thoughts and you will see this to be true. Your world is literally arising from your thoughts and beliefs. There is no such thing as an idle thought. Every thought is a cause that has an effect at some level.



Because you are an extension of God’s Thought, with unlimited power just like His Thought, and because, as you have seen, science has proven that the physical world is actually a collection of energy that arranges itself according to Thought, the following statements are forever true to you:



1. You have free will, always.



2. Ask and you shall receive, always.



3. Seek and you shall find, always.



4. Knock and it shall be opened unto you, always.



5. You can achieve anything you believe, always.



These may not appear to be true to you, or at least not always. But they are. Seeking is the same as finding. If you find yourself finding what you think that you are not seeking, watch yourself deeper. You will discover that at the very deepest level, you are seeking exactly what you find. For example, if you feel that you are finding conflict and poverty while you think that you seek peace and wealth, dig deeper and honestly and you will find that your root belief is that you are under attack, you are capable of being attacked, and you live in a world of scarcity where failure is to be feared. Dig deep, be honest, then change your root thought about a thing and it shall change, always. Your world always proceeds out of your deepest intentions for it. Achieving is the same as believing. You are the Way and the Truth of your world, and it follows you.



Your ideas, visions and dreams, whatever they may be, are the prophecies of what you shall one day become and achieve. You can predict your outer life tomorrow by looking at your inner self today. You can change your tomorrow by changing your inner self today.



Although this outlook is rather new to the world, it has already started making positive impacts everywhere. One book that explains all this very well is the book ‘A Happy Pocket Full of Money’. Readers, such as Dr. Odhiambo, a radiologist, are saying the book is “fantastic. It is a unification of Deepak Chopra and quantum physics. Very well written … that is where the whole world is going these days… they [wealth] come from the source. That is the theme of the book”. It is a totally different yet simplistically logical way of seeing things and creating our lives. Yet even our oldest religions confirm that such a view of the world and our position in it is valid. For example, the Bible has in it passages that refer to us as having been created in the image and likeness of God, and even before we ask it has been given to us, and when we seek we find. Jesus also says on one occasion that anything is possible if you believe it, and goes even further to say on another occasion “have I not said that ye are gods’. It is as if all along our different religions were trying to point out that we do make our lives up, literally and very directly. And this is a very liberating thought.

Thoughts

You know when thinking about life, I've never been able to get very far ahead. I mean I've never, in all my years, been able to envision that I've had a future past the age of 24 or 25. Even now that I'm 27 I can't envision it. It almost seems like something went wrong; that I was supposed to be dead by now and that I've somehow cheated death out of some time. I know that sounds crazy, but it's the simplest way to describe it. Whether it's because I've just always assumed I would die young, or rather it's just my subconscious way of denying myself having to have a future; I don't know. I just know that's how it has felt since as long as I can remember. I always knew I would die young, younger even than I am now.



So it's strange, you see, to try and figure out what my life is to be from here. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I'm still alive. Well, I am 85% glad that I am alive. There are still way too many moments in which I envy those who have passed from this life and the pain that accompanies it. But for the most part I am glad that I'm still here for whatever reasons. But I have no real clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing here. On any level. It somehow seems to go beyond just that "I'm not sure what I want to be" feeling into something deeper. For the life of me I can't picture it; the future. Trying to think of things I'd like to do, where I'd like to be, what I'd like to be.. and it's like trying to get someone to see the boogeyman under the bed. It scares me to death, even though I can't see it. I don't know what to do, where to go. Nothing. And I have some wonderful people who love me, and they spend a lot of time with me... trying to get me to understand that yes, I have a future. And I see that, in a sense. In a way like you can see the moon through the clouds. Enough of it seeps around the edges of the cloud to prove to you that yes, the moon is up there. But there is still darkness everywhere. Not enough of the light makes it's way through the clouds to shine on anything.



Am I still thinking negative? Honestly, I'm trying not to. I have been doing my damndest to be positive; after all I promised I would and I try to keep my promises if I can. There are these moments I have such wonderlust and I just want to break free. I can feel something holding me, (which I'm sure is myself somehow) and I want so much to just get in the car and strike out on that new journey. And yet there is nowhere to go. And wherever I do go 'riding' to, the road always comes back here. And so I'm back at the beginning and stuck again. I've done this to myself, I know. And I know that I have the power to get out of this spot. In truth, I suppose I'm the only one with that power. Someone could lay down a yellow brick road at my feet that leads to the stars and until I start with one foot in front of the other I'll simply be standing there staring at it forever. I know these things. Gods know I want to see the stars and be among them. I need a plan. I make so many plans, over and over again. I mean well. Sometimes I do a few things, sometimes I forget about them in my everyday humdrum life and they just seem to slip by the wayside until eventually they're gone. I don't want to be this way. Am I fighting myself?



I know that I need to get away. I need change; I am stagnant here. And it's suffocating me slowly. I have to make it so that I can find a way out. I yearn for it. I long to just be out there, in the world, on my own. Be it bad or good or scary, it will still be MINE. MINE to live in. I am existing on borrowed time at the moment. Borrowed from those who love me, but from those who do me no good any longer. So much time lost already. Lost on me, lost on nothing. Years passed by with nothing to show for it other than the ever-mounting presence of depression and layer upon layer of excuses. I want out.



And so where do I go from here? Every step forward points me two steps behind and so I'm forever back and forth staring ahead and seeing only what's behind. My mind isn't here for this. Surely if I was meant for this sort of life I would have been born stupid. Wouldn't I? Sometimes I'd like to just grab the other parts of me and shake them until I can feel my tears upon my own face and ask them, WHY? Why did I choose this? What is my reasons? Tell me what to do from here. Where to start, what to do! I'm sure, without a doubt, that they would laugh in my face. Laugh like the maniacal psychotic person that I feel deep within me. And I can't blame them really. It's not their place to tell me. It's my place to learn. Only to learn.



I haven't done anything in such a long time on a spiritual level. Maybe it's time to ask for help. No, not help....... I expect no answers to be given to me without first seeking. I need to ask for guidance. Just push me in the right direction and let me discover things on my own. That's how it has always been anyway. And even now I feel those watching me and waiting. I know that I've taken forever, and still they wait. It's good that time means nothing to them, because I seem to be revelling in taking all of it that I can. I seek freedom, freedom from this lackluster life that I've made for myself. I don't want anything big. I just want to be out there, living. I want to be able to do the things that I feel like I need to do. I want to feel like I'm a part of something bigger and that it's better for me being there. Is that so much to ask? No, says the world. Yes, says myself. I am fighting myself, it's true.

Darkness

I originally put this on the Lovebuds blog, but it made sense to cross post in here. I'll try to elaborate later.



Sometimes it's good to be isolated I think. Sometimes I wonder if this is real at all, or if I'm having some long-term dream that rolls on like a movie. It doesn't feel true at times, fake like watching kids dressed up at halloween. I imagine this "reality" as sort of a thin veil that hangs over my vision and changes the images to something tainted, distorted; like when you are sitting in a car and it's raining and yet you have no windshield wipers on. Eventually the water makes a solid barrier on the glass and you can see through it, but the shapes become warped and move as the water shifts...ever sliding down without you being able to catch it. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I think crazy people are closer to knowing the truth of things than we know. I feel crazy sometimes, in those moments when the feeling of being caught in this layer comes over me. I feel the truth peeled back from me, like it was the skin of a banana. And I am raw and exposed, vulnerable and waiting to be squished between the greasy fingers of some ten year old child wanting a snack. I admit this here because you don't know me. And those who do know me will most likely understand. And if they don't then it's alright. There are more parts of me that I don't understand than those that I do. Inside I am dark, and what's more is that I like that darkness. It's not a psycho murderous darkness, but one that wraps around me and lets me taste freedom. I am at home there, and it's not a bad thing. I can feel peace, happiness, love... all of those exist there; yet in another form. An older form. It feels ancient, like it was taking my soul back to the moment of creation. I suppose I am crazy in many ways. I sound crazy. But it's in those moments that I feel close to realizing what I was, what I'm meant to be. Sometimes I hear someone talking to me, calling my name. And while I know that they are speaking to me, that the "name" they keep repeating is that which is supposed to be mine; it doesn't feel like mine. I hear it, I know it... but it doesn't fit me. It sounds wrong somehow; cold, lifeless, fake. It doesn't belong to me. I am not that one. Still, I don't know who I am. The name that was given to me is hidden in that darkness that I love so well. I wonder if others have that darkness, and I wish I could ask them. But it's not something that you talk about over dinner. It's not something that you chit-chat about with friends. I suppose it's that darkness that makes me feel alone more than anything. I realize what I do; the ways that I punish myself and hold myself back. I'm not blind. But those are things for this lifetime, lessons for this particular moment. And then there are deeper things, questions that I must ask and yet that I cannot form into tangible thoughts. They go beyond the simple things that we are in this form, this life. It surpasses physical, emotional, logical things. It moves in wisps of hazy thoughts that come only on the verge of sleep and dreams.



I know these things, and I don't know them. I suppose everyone has the same thing in one form or another. After all, we are all the same when you get down to it. The same, and yet still I feel different. Why is that? Yes, I can feel you reading now and thinking how strange I really am. If only I could paint the pictures of my mind, you would understand.



Or at least you would try to.

Back Again

Ok, back again and yes, I'm still thinking about quantum physics. Keep in mind that I haven't been to college and have been studying all these things on my own, for fun. So no I don't know any scientific terms for theories and all the official mumbo jumbo. I could totally be wrong in how I'm thinking about things but hey, it's my perception and so I can think any way I choose to about it right? So here goes...... For a long time now I've been interested in energy. I guess it's best to start a bit farther back. I remember when I was about 13 or 14 my friend April and I were really into researching psychic phenomenon. We read about auras, telekenesis, etc..... all that fun stuff. Back then I had a feeling that 'spirits' had something to do with energy but I didn't know quite how to explain what I was thinking. Fast forward to the past few years..... Another friend and I have been working on a lot of different things; from new age mysticism to comparative religions. But it wasn't until I backed away from things that I started to try to focus on the 'big picture'. This whole time we had been looking at guardians and spirits and all sorts of things.... but when I started reading on my own energy kept popping into my head.



I've always felt like this 'world' that we experience is an illusion; that is to say that it's real at some physical level but in most ways it's actually very close to being a dream. Studying the kabbalah actually led me to quantum physics. See, from what I've been seeing, the basic theory for quantum physics is that nothing in this world is solid. If you think about it, it's actually very true. Everything in existence as we know it (and that which we don't officially 'know of' but that I'm sure exists outside of our 'human' perceptions) is made of energy. Various frequencies of energy, but still energy just the same. Think about water. At a liquid level, the molecules in water are moving relatively fast. Basic middle school science taught us that if you add heat to the water the molecules move faster, eventually becoming so fast that the water turns into steam and then evaporates into the air (becoming invisible to the naked eye). The opposite is true if you add cold to the water. The molecules slow down and the water 'solidifies' and becomes ice. Surely we view ice as being a pretty 'solid' form, that is until we remove it from freezing temperatures.



What's amazing to me is that most of the area inside of an atom is actually EMPTY space. Even when objects are in 'solid' form (or so we perceive them to be solid) most of the object is actually empty space. So when you are looking at that chair, your brain/eyes are actually not telling you the 'truth' of what you see. It's all perception. Your brain is telling you that this is the shape of the chair simply because that is what the perception is. But back to energy! Everything is energy. The inanimate rock in the garden to the idiotic little neighbor boy who likes to dangle upside down from the fence top. We are all just blobs of energy. We have 'form' because the particular blobs of energy that are attached to us are moving slower than the energy around us. If we were to step into a lab and ask them to look at us using scientific equipment we wouldn't see a solid body but a denser mass of energy. Sort of like looking at someone through a thermal screen. Once you realize this and start thinking about the possibilities it really starts to blow your mind. Think about it! Energy can never be destroyed, but it CAN and IS changed/transformed in every moment. The big spooting mass of energy that makes up what we call our body changes energy constantly; from breaking down and shifting of energy molecules that make up our afternoon lunch to the invisible but ever present energy molecules that we breathe in and out...... we just don't realize what we're doing. We don't tell ourselves to do this; it just happens. If we can change energy (by either slowing down or raising the frequency) subconciously then why can't we learn to change other energies? On a metaphysical level it has been happening since the beginning of time. I believe (and this is my blog so this is all about me me me) that there have been certain people who have had the ability to consciously transform energy all along. They may not know exactly how they're doing it, but they know that they can do it and they make it happen. People who can; 'heal with their hands', eastern philosophy dealing with controlling chi, shapeshifters from ancient native american lore, down to the story of Moses parting the Red Sea. If you can learn to transform energy, anything is possible. Everything would be connected and you would be everywhere all at once. You would realize that everything was a part of you and vice versa. It just really starts to blow your mind. I am hoping that I can learn a LOT more on quantum physics. It's a little hard seeing that I am doing this on my own and don't know what all the technical terms are. Finding a website that describes things in layman terms is not as easy as one might think. It really starts to spill over into certain metaphysical theories though, which is really interesting. Alchemy is the study of trying to change various things into gold (not entirely an accurate description but it's basically what is usually attributed to alchemists). In my opinion it's almost the same thing as quantum physics. After all, they were trying to change various metals INTO gold.... changing their actual molecular make-up, (transforming the very energy into a different type of energy). Perhaps the 'gold' that the alchemists were striving for wasn't really what we think of as gold. Maybe the gold they sought was actually the ability to change and manipulate energies on a conscious level. With that ability gold itself would be useless; as you would have access to anything and everything that you needed.. you would actually BE everything.



Something to think about. But I've blabbered on enough here so I'm going to get out of here for now. ;)

Insomniac!

It's funny you know..... How often it is that I can't sleep and I sit up thinking about things. I guess a lot of people with insomnia watch television or chat on the internet; I sit up and look over sites about alternate realities and theories of quantum physics. Don't get me wrong, I am nowhere close to understanding physics. Well most of it anyway. But there's something about quantum physics that keeps pulling me to read about it. I guess I've always had what other people considered really 'weird' beliefs about things. It just seems like that finally there are others out there, supposed "brilliant minds" who have actually come up with theories that are somewhat similar to my beliefs and it blows my mind. It's hard to find a place to start when you're wanting to share your ideas and your beliefs about everything. It's like trying to describe the world in a word. You know what you feel on the inside and it makes sense to you, even if you don't quite understand how it makes sense. There are so many things that I find myself interested in and there are so many things that I would like to do or experience. Yet here I sit; 26 years old with no college education, no job and no possible idea what I'm supposed to do in this life. I feel like there's something I'm supposed to be doing, but I don't know what it is. I keep feeling like I'm wasting this life. And I know that everything could change in a split second if I could only just accept that I have the power to change it and did it. The subconscious mind is a strange and stubborn thing I think. I KNOW without a doubt that certain things are true. I feel it in every fiber of my being; and yet for some unknown reason my subconscious mind won't accept it. There must be a reason for this. It's a test, I know. I keep thinking about what is always said - "If you ask for a teacher and are ready to accept the teachings then one will find you." I've asked, trust me I've asked. And I think I'm ready to learn. When then, will this teacher appear? Has he/she/it already come and I'm just blind and ignorant to the lessons being shown? Am I just too damn stubborn? My thoughts change constantly from day to day. I yearn for someone to talk to about all this stuff going through my brain. Someone who won't judge me; who doesn't think I'm crazy. Someone who understands what I'm trying to say and is just willing to listen. Most of all I'd like someone to help me find the answers. I don't want to be given the answers, I know that isn't the right way. I just wish I could have some guidance. I don't want them to tell me the story; I want to be taught the language so I can read it for myself.



Everything is so much bigger than what we see. Sometimes I think that our vision is our biggest setback. No, strike that.... Not our vision. I'm pretty sure that we see everything pretty darn close to how it actually is. Our brain and the way it interprets things is our setback. The way we've been 'brainwashed' and taught what to experience and what not to. What does an infant or an animal experience? Those who haven't been shaped and molded into what others want them to be. Do they see the truth of things?



I know that all of this is an illusion. Like a giant movie that goes on and on. Reality doesn't exist. Everything that we see or think we know is just something that another being dreamed up. I think about the big things that move on in this world; religion, society, fears, dreams, life, death. It makes me so angry sometimes. It's like I can see through a transparent layer of skin and make out shadows of the truth but they shift away when I really try to make things out. I don't understand the purpose of my searching. Take religion for example. I find some things in many religions that feel 'accurate' and there are many things that don't feel completely right to me. What's the purpose of religion? In my mind people use it for many reasons. For many it's a way to have power over others, to feel important. For many it's something that helps them control their fears and gives them hope. But what really is the purpose? All of the stories and holy scripts and teachings. Is it really trying to lead us to something or is it just simply something to fill up empty space that we find in ourselves while we're in this 'life'. Nothing makes sense anymore to me when I think in the 'big picture'. Everything has an equal opposite they say. If I am alive then I am dead. While this is 'reality' it is also illusion. While I think I'm awake I'm really dreaming. While I have no power I have complete power. While I am nothing I am everything. The inside is also the outside. Always in constant motion, because there is no beginning and there is no end. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of some big epiphany; that there's something just out of reach that I can almost grab. I guess it's not happening anytime soon though, so I think I'm going to finish this for now and snake through some more websites and hope that I'm not the only oddball out there.