Just kidding. There's no dance floor. hah.
You know I am trying to deal with a small panic attack right now. Allergies started messing with me a couple weeks ago and I've been sick as crap since then. I'm fighting to keep it from going into my lungs and settling more than it already has. Tonight I haven't been able to sleep any b/c of not being able to breathe well and my body going into little panic attacks every time I try to doze off because of it. Such a pain in the arse.
Also dealing with some anxiety due to money issues. You know, I'm not perfect. I know that I spend way too much money on things like grabbing food when I'm out or picking up a new book from time to time. I may go to a movie once in a while or spend extra on gas because I decided to ride around just to get out of the house. These are things that I really need to stop but at the same time I feel like you have to live a little bit or else why be alive at all? I guess it's gonna have to stop though. I'm starting to stress again. I got denied for SSID. They stated that my medical problems were severe enough for me not to be able to work but that it isn't severe enough to not work in 12 months. I don't quite understand their logic but I know that denial is the common result one gets. Seeing as how my medical problems have no cure and I've already had them for over a year I don't know how they figure they'll improve in 12 months but OK........ what do they expect me to do right now even if I was able to return to work in 12 months time? Thank goodness I have a tiny emergency stash for my rent and I'll try to sell some more stuff to help with rent. I've already sold almost all of my movies, games, books and stuff. Hopefully that will push me through to my lease end. From there I'm not sure. I'll go back to trying to get a job that will work around the medical issues although from past experience I never even got to the interview portion where I had to explain them. For the few interviews that I did get called in for as soon as they saw me there was some comment made or excuse given as to why I wouldn't be a good fit for the job. If all else fails I'll pack what I really want to keep into a storage building and live out of my car for a bit. Many people have done it, I guess I can too.
Ok, my pity party is done. Just needed to get it out so I can move on. My head hurts from stress and I'm just reaching the point again where I don't really care; what will be, will be. Maybe this is what is supposed to be and everything happens for a reason right! Yep. :)
I guess I'll try to focus on positive things and hope that things will work out for the best.
I'm Just a Traveler Exploring Life...
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Allergies be Damned!
Did I mention I got yet another bill for $39,000 today? I've done everything that they've asked me to do at the hospital and yet apparently it's still not enough. I was pretty much told before surgery that because I had hospital sponsorship that it should be covered..... now, not so much. Who knows what they want now. They might just have to be happy getting 5 bucks a month for the rest of my life. I'm tired of stressing over how to pay for all the medical bills. And this is why I never did get to go to the doctor.
So I went home to visit the parental units last weekend. It was very surreal and very unexpected. I went in Friday, and as always I told my Mom that I had no clue how long I'd be staying (it hinges on how my Dad is acting). The last time I'd went home I was officially in the house for less than two minutes and he was bitching me out over things that I had nothing to do with, nor had any control over. Needless to say that whenever I head home the three hour ride is always spent preparing myself as best I can mentally for what's to come. My entire family has daddy issues due to living with him and his wickedness and even at 38 years old I haven't figured out just how to successfully tune him out. Usually the entire time I'm there is spent either out going somewhere with my Mom or hidden in her bedroom, only really leaving it to go to the bathroom or getting something to drink from the kitchen. My entire life we all spent our time in an effort to avoid being in the same room with him. It's really quite sad and dysfunctional.
With that said, I went the country route in and so it took me about five hours instead of three. I just wanted to meander really. When I got there I walked in and he was sitting at the table. He turned around, hugged me and said hello. I was in a stupor. It sounds pretty normal right?? Nothing for anyone to go into shock over. Well believe me; this was a shock moment for me. This was NOT normal. I mean to lay it out there......... My health is pretty shitty. So when I got diagnosed with cancer and went home to tell my parents, and was having surgery in two weeks to remove all my female parts the doctors had made it clear that with my bad health there's always a risk that I might not make it off the table. There's always a risk. My Dad had been an ass the entire time I was there, and when I was leaving my Mother says to him, "This might be the last time you see her if something happens. She could die on the table you know...." (She was a little pissed at him and that's why she said it that way.) He didn't even look at us; just kept watching tv, shrugged his shoulders and said "Whatever." And that folks, is pretty much the way he always acts. So when he hugs me and smiles when I walk in, it's a rare thing.
I ended up staying until Tuesday morning. The entire time he was in a good mood and we all got along and even talked some. He made us dinner Saturday. He never really bitched about anything the entire time I was there. He didn't talk nasty or hateful. I felt like the pod people had descended and taken his body over. It was very odd. He hugged me when I was leaving and said he loved me. WTF?? It was a super nice departure. I don't know why, or how things were different; I'm just glad they were. But I have to admit..... it's times like this that really deliver the biggest mind fuck. Like your brain just doesn't know how to quite comprehend what's happening. Strange.
So it's Friday night and here I sit watching Betty White on the James Corden show. She's been alive longer than sliced bread has been around. Seriously; they just said it. Wow. The things she's seen. The changes that she's witnessed. I hope my next life has as much adventure as she's had in this one. Some friends invited me to go to a club with them tonight to see a drag show but honestly I just wasn't in the mood. I am feeling pretty exhausted and sore just from coughing; though I do feel better today than I did yesterday. This weekend I just want to veg out and relax and give my body time to feel better. Maybe I'm just old lol. I don't have the desire to go out and do a bunch of partying or anything now. It takes to long to recuperate and I just feel so horrible afterwards.
I'm kinda tired now. I've taken Benadryl. I think I'll leave you with a rather cute meme I saw. I do so love my sharks........ Good night!
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
On dreams, time and the brain.
Life is funny. One day can seem to draw out for an eternity; each second seeming to last longer than the last. And then there are times where you blink and the day is over. As someone who thinks that time isn't just some linear, finite concept; it's pretty apparent that the passing of time is subject to emotional state. It reminds me of Star Trek, when Picard's lady friend slowed the passing of time.
So then the argument is, does she slow time itself or does she slow their perception of time passing? In either case, the outcome is the same. I've often wondered if our existence rang true in our waking hours or in our dreams. In dreams, we are not bound by the same limitations as we are in wakefulness. To me then, this tends to make me think that it is our limitless selves that are in a truer state of being. In dreams we are free of all fetters that normally keep us trapped to our mortal lots. In dreams I think we experience time in it's truer state as well. To me time is more like a coil that wraps back upon itself time and time again. At times we are able to glimpse other parts of the coil and it's at these times that we have moments of deja'vu or intuition or prophetic visions and dreams.
With all of the technology and abilities we have in our modern times.... yet still science is truly not able to explain what happens while we are sleeping. They can track how the neurons fire in the brain and what parts are most active. They can see how our various body parts slow down and heal themselves. But dreams....... the worlds in which we exist in while we slumber; it's all theories and guesswork for the most part. We don't know, for certain, if our very lives aren't layers of dreams atop one another. I have often woken up from a dream inside of a dream and felt like I was fighting to 'really wake up' and climb up through those layers. There's no way to know if we aren't living this life in a dream at this very moment. It's one reason why I loved the movie "The Matrix". I think it's why so many people connected with the same movie. It's the thought of, "What if this is all illusion?"
I really do feel most of the time that this is all illusion. That may make me sound crazy; it matters not. I have always felt that this physical body is only a 'meat suit' and that it is not what makes me. This body, this heart, this brain..... it is not who I am, no more than a lamp and lightbulb is electricity. Just like the lamp and the light bulb carry the current of electricity; the body, heart and brain are conduits for the soul. To me the soul and spirit are intertwined although I realize that to some they are the same and to others they are completely separate. The soul, in my opinion, is what makes you you.... it is the part that gives you personality and self-awareness. It is the 'charge' that animates your body. It is the battery terminal that allows the connection between the engine (spirit) and the machine (body). The spirit is the part of you that holds divinity; the part that connects you to the All, the Creator, God, Goddess... however you choose to see the divine. Looking at it this way, you can be alive and have a dead spirit.... I've seen this sometimes when looking at killers or those that have been through extreme torture. (I usually say that the person has 'dead eyes'.) I believe that the spirit can come alive again through experiences and lots of hard work. But if the soul is gone; well then nothing remains but the meat suit.
Why does any of that have to do with anything you might ask? In talking on dreams and why I say that it is, in my opinion, a truer form of being is that it is in dreams that the spirit and soul exist without being bound by the body. Without these limitations time really has no meaning because the soul and spirit are infinite and immortal; time then has no hold over anything. There is no 'passing of time' in dreams as you can instantly be here or there, then or now, or all of the above at once. And in dreams it's lovely because no matter how crazy things seem, they always make sense at that moment in the dream. How awesome it would be if our minds could work that way in the 'waking' hours. This is why genius borderlines insanity; because the passageways in the mind of a genius which usually inhibit the true strength of the soul/spirit to be fully present are different than in those of 'normal' folk.
Follow this train of thought....If the brain is the 'road' that the soul/spirit must travel down to fully inhabit and animate the body, perhaps it has 'gates' along the way (much like toll booths) that are put in place to keep from overwhelming the machine. This would be very similar to how resistors are used in electrical components to keep the voltage from overwhelming and blowing the circuits. People whose brains work differently may have defective or absent resistors. By having the 'full current' of the soul/spirit with no resistors rocketing through the brain, this could cause various affects....... It could create a genius, who perhaps has just enough resistance to keep them from suffering insanity, but yet allows purely innovative and creative thought and ideas. It could create an atmosphere in the mind where the soul/spirit flow is so strong that the 'flap' between the waking world and the dream world (also known as the world of spirit) is completely burnt out and these people have each reality bleeding into each other. (This would perfectly explain conditions like schizophrenia or delusions.) During successful meditation, intense prayer, repetition during spiritual practice, etc.... one can traverse these pathways or gates and allow unfettered bursts of soul/spirit to stream through while still being able to put the resistors back into place when it is necessary.
And that's my random thoughts for tonight. There is definitely more that ties in with these thoughts that I'll get to eventually.... but for now this post is long enough. Goodnight!
So then the argument is, does she slow time itself or does she slow their perception of time passing? In either case, the outcome is the same. I've often wondered if our existence rang true in our waking hours or in our dreams. In dreams, we are not bound by the same limitations as we are in wakefulness. To me then, this tends to make me think that it is our limitless selves that are in a truer state of being. In dreams we are free of all fetters that normally keep us trapped to our mortal lots. In dreams I think we experience time in it's truer state as well. To me time is more like a coil that wraps back upon itself time and time again. At times we are able to glimpse other parts of the coil and it's at these times that we have moments of deja'vu or intuition or prophetic visions and dreams.
With all of the technology and abilities we have in our modern times.... yet still science is truly not able to explain what happens while we are sleeping. They can track how the neurons fire in the brain and what parts are most active. They can see how our various body parts slow down and heal themselves. But dreams....... the worlds in which we exist in while we slumber; it's all theories and guesswork for the most part. We don't know, for certain, if our very lives aren't layers of dreams atop one another. I have often woken up from a dream inside of a dream and felt like I was fighting to 'really wake up' and climb up through those layers. There's no way to know if we aren't living this life in a dream at this very moment. It's one reason why I loved the movie "The Matrix". I think it's why so many people connected with the same movie. It's the thought of, "What if this is all illusion?"
I really do feel most of the time that this is all illusion. That may make me sound crazy; it matters not. I have always felt that this physical body is only a 'meat suit' and that it is not what makes me. This body, this heart, this brain..... it is not who I am, no more than a lamp and lightbulb is electricity. Just like the lamp and the light bulb carry the current of electricity; the body, heart and brain are conduits for the soul. To me the soul and spirit are intertwined although I realize that to some they are the same and to others they are completely separate. The soul, in my opinion, is what makes you you.... it is the part that gives you personality and self-awareness. It is the 'charge' that animates your body. It is the battery terminal that allows the connection between the engine (spirit) and the machine (body). The spirit is the part of you that holds divinity; the part that connects you to the All, the Creator, God, Goddess... however you choose to see the divine. Looking at it this way, you can be alive and have a dead spirit.... I've seen this sometimes when looking at killers or those that have been through extreme torture. (I usually say that the person has 'dead eyes'.) I believe that the spirit can come alive again through experiences and lots of hard work. But if the soul is gone; well then nothing remains but the meat suit.
Why does any of that have to do with anything you might ask? In talking on dreams and why I say that it is, in my opinion, a truer form of being is that it is in dreams that the spirit and soul exist without being bound by the body. Without these limitations time really has no meaning because the soul and spirit are infinite and immortal; time then has no hold over anything. There is no 'passing of time' in dreams as you can instantly be here or there, then or now, or all of the above at once. And in dreams it's lovely because no matter how crazy things seem, they always make sense at that moment in the dream. How awesome it would be if our minds could work that way in the 'waking' hours. This is why genius borderlines insanity; because the passageways in the mind of a genius which usually inhibit the true strength of the soul/spirit to be fully present are different than in those of 'normal' folk.
Follow this train of thought....If the brain is the 'road' that the soul/spirit must travel down to fully inhabit and animate the body, perhaps it has 'gates' along the way (much like toll booths) that are put in place to keep from overwhelming the machine. This would be very similar to how resistors are used in electrical components to keep the voltage from overwhelming and blowing the circuits. People whose brains work differently may have defective or absent resistors. By having the 'full current' of the soul/spirit with no resistors rocketing through the brain, this could cause various affects....... It could create a genius, who perhaps has just enough resistance to keep them from suffering insanity, but yet allows purely innovative and creative thought and ideas. It could create an atmosphere in the mind where the soul/spirit flow is so strong that the 'flap' between the waking world and the dream world (also known as the world of spirit) is completely burnt out and these people have each reality bleeding into each other. (This would perfectly explain conditions like schizophrenia or delusions.) During successful meditation, intense prayer, repetition during spiritual practice, etc.... one can traverse these pathways or gates and allow unfettered bursts of soul/spirit to stream through while still being able to put the resistors back into place when it is necessary.
And that's my random thoughts for tonight. There is definitely more that ties in with these thoughts that I'll get to eventually.... but for now this post is long enough. Goodnight!
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Week almost Gone
Whew this week has went by FAST! I have to admit I'm a little tired and looking forward to some quiet alone time to veg out this weekend.
So what's been going on you ask? Well my Mother came into town and delivered me a new stove which someone in Sumter gifted my way (yay!). It's a fancy stainless steel one with a glass cooking top... so no more tilted burners and everything running to one side in a frying pan haha. It's really nice though and I'm super grateful for our friend sending it up here. :)
I've also been working some in the apartment, trying to get some things organized. I'm still nowhere near even halfway done but a good bit of progress was made. The living room is looking awesome and it's almost how I want it...... but the bedroom is still a mess of boxes and stuff to go through and organize. I did manage to get some shelves but it'll be a little while before I get the area where they're going cleaned up. That's the next thing to work on. Once that happens and I get them attached to the wall it will make a huge difference in being able to get those boxes taken care of. I'm so looking forward to that moment let me tell you! I just try to do a little bit at a time.
There's been other odds and ends going on the past couple weeks. I went to Diamond Hill Mines for the first time and spent the day. It's the first real time I've pushed myself since I've had surgery so I was very careful. I got tired pretty quick and spent a good bit of the time sitting on my bucket and digging that way haha. But I still had fun and we found some good stuff. I was excited! Now the real job is cleaning the rocks up.... that'll take a while. I can tell when I overdo stuff because when I get really tired I start having pains in my gut where the stitches are inside. That's my big sign to slow down or stop altogether. But I'm proud of myself for getting out and doing as much as I could do without hurting myself.
OH! Last night I went to see the Yamato Japanese drummers at the Peace Center. Wow they were superb. It tired me out just watching them! They drummed for an hour straight before the short intermission, and then for almost another hour. I don't know how they have that much stamina. It was a great show though and the energy was fast and high. I'd highly suggest anyone check them out that can and likes drumming. It was very akin to Native American in parts and you know I loved that!
You know, I usually don't talk politics because people get so touchy about it.... but since this is my blog I guess I can say what I want. It scares me that people are really taking Donald Trump seriously. How could a person want a man to run a country that has made racist, sexist and homophobic remark after remark? I went to a handfasting Sunday of two beautiful women who have been together for 28 years and were FINALLY able to legally tie the knot. Just standing there watching them and thinking that it's 2016 and we're just now getting to this point in history.... it's just sad that it's taken so long. And to think that people are thinking about voting for someone who wants to turn back the civil rights movement by a century just dumbfounds me. I have pagan friends and gay friends that are backing him!! I just want to ask them what the hell are they thinking? Do they think that if someone gets into office that has it out for one religion or is anti-gay marriage that he won't come for them next?? So they think that he's going to stop with Muslims?? And since when does a few radical Muslims make all Muslims evil and out for blood? The majority are peaceful, lovely people! I mean come on, if we went off of radical religious loonies then the Christian religion would be at the top of the list for whack-jobs. Almost every cult in American history has been Chrisitan... the Nazi regime were Chrisitan..... and so on it goes. People just won't learn from history it seems. Ugh. Ok that's my rant.
It's time for a movie and then I'm going to try to get some rest. Hopefully next time I'll have some actual interesting stuff to say. Until then, toodles!
So what's been going on you ask? Well my Mother came into town and delivered me a new stove which someone in Sumter gifted my way (yay!). It's a fancy stainless steel one with a glass cooking top... so no more tilted burners and everything running to one side in a frying pan haha. It's really nice though and I'm super grateful for our friend sending it up here. :)
I've also been working some in the apartment, trying to get some things organized. I'm still nowhere near even halfway done but a good bit of progress was made. The living room is looking awesome and it's almost how I want it...... but the bedroom is still a mess of boxes and stuff to go through and organize. I did manage to get some shelves but it'll be a little while before I get the area where they're going cleaned up. That's the next thing to work on. Once that happens and I get them attached to the wall it will make a huge difference in being able to get those boxes taken care of. I'm so looking forward to that moment let me tell you! I just try to do a little bit at a time.
There's been other odds and ends going on the past couple weeks. I went to Diamond Hill Mines for the first time and spent the day. It's the first real time I've pushed myself since I've had surgery so I was very careful. I got tired pretty quick and spent a good bit of the time sitting on my bucket and digging that way haha. But I still had fun and we found some good stuff. I was excited! Now the real job is cleaning the rocks up.... that'll take a while. I can tell when I overdo stuff because when I get really tired I start having pains in my gut where the stitches are inside. That's my big sign to slow down or stop altogether. But I'm proud of myself for getting out and doing as much as I could do without hurting myself.
OH! Last night I went to see the Yamato Japanese drummers at the Peace Center. Wow they were superb. It tired me out just watching them! They drummed for an hour straight before the short intermission, and then for almost another hour. I don't know how they have that much stamina. It was a great show though and the energy was fast and high. I'd highly suggest anyone check them out that can and likes drumming. It was very akin to Native American in parts and you know I loved that!
You know, I usually don't talk politics because people get so touchy about it.... but since this is my blog I guess I can say what I want. It scares me that people are really taking Donald Trump seriously. How could a person want a man to run a country that has made racist, sexist and homophobic remark after remark? I went to a handfasting Sunday of two beautiful women who have been together for 28 years and were FINALLY able to legally tie the knot. Just standing there watching them and thinking that it's 2016 and we're just now getting to this point in history.... it's just sad that it's taken so long. And to think that people are thinking about voting for someone who wants to turn back the civil rights movement by a century just dumbfounds me. I have pagan friends and gay friends that are backing him!! I just want to ask them what the hell are they thinking? Do they think that if someone gets into office that has it out for one religion or is anti-gay marriage that he won't come for them next?? So they think that he's going to stop with Muslims?? And since when does a few radical Muslims make all Muslims evil and out for blood? The majority are peaceful, lovely people! I mean come on, if we went off of radical religious loonies then the Christian religion would be at the top of the list for whack-jobs. Almost every cult in American history has been Chrisitan... the Nazi regime were Chrisitan..... and so on it goes. People just won't learn from history it seems. Ugh. Ok that's my rant.
It's time for a movie and then I'm going to try to get some rest. Hopefully next time I'll have some actual interesting stuff to say. Until then, toodles!
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Here comes the sun again!
I don't quite know why or when it occurred, but apparently I've turned into a vampire. No matter how hard I try I cannot seem to fall asleep before 8am. As I sit here I see the light from morning beginning to peek in around the slats of my blinds on the front door. I don't necessarily like this; I end up feeling like crap and when I finally do fall asleep I sleep the day away. By the time I get up there's not much time left in the day to do certain errands. I vant to suck your blood!!!!! I have a headache right now.... my sugar levels have been insane..... I got home around 4am and my sugar had been dropping for a little while and I was feeling bad, so I check it and yep..... it's way low for me. So I eat a bite to get it back up and I start feeling a little better...... then an hour later my head is hurting, I'm burning up and check it again and it's shot WAY up so I have to take a shot. Like WTF man.... make up your mind! High or low..... can't there be a happy in between??? It never reacts the same way to anything, even if it's the same stimuli that is ingested and the same amount of insulin taken....... I think my body rolls dice like a drunk teenager playing Dungeons and Dragons to get my glucose levels. Seriously!
No seriously though, it is causing me some anxiety. The past three days or so I've been trying to do some 'tapping' to help ease the anxiety somewhat when I try to go to sleep. (Usually when I start trying to fall asleep I start to drift off and then jolt awake in a semi-panic attack. I tend to think it's because of my not feeling like I'm able to breathe well.) The tapping has been somewhat beneficial, probably because it causes my mind to focus elsewhere. I've also tried to take both of my steroids for the lungs before I finally settle down. This may be helping a bit too. There are still some issues though.
As always I'm still struggling with my eating. I'm such an emotional eater and I crave sweets. I think it's mostly psychological. When I get lonely, depressed or bored it triggers the only comfort that's always been there for me in my life - food. And aside from that I truly just love food; it's not even about eating it all the time. I even just love watching it be prepared; even shit that I would never consider eating..... I still find it fascinating. It's like an art. I really am a fat girl at heart. hahaha. Of course this doesn't do well at all being that I have "the sugah" and all.
I can never seem to stay on the course long (I have ZERO willpower where food is concerned), but I always try to get back on the wagon again. I'll do it a million times over until something sticks. One day at a time....... that's all I can focus on. I had to throw away all of my food from the fridge and freezer when it went out.... so the past two weeks has been kind of tight. I get my food money on the 7th so then I'm going shopping and I'm going to try and get some healthier stuff. I know, I know....... you don't believe me. But I shall try my best and that's all I can do. Unless you're some rich starlet who can afford personal chefs, personal trainers and a home gym..... doing this shit is hard all on your own. I am my own worst enemy after all.
Probably because of the poor sleeping, the bad diet, the troubles breathing and still dealing with some depression I have still been feeling really bad. I know I've talked to other people who have been through cancer and they say that once you've had it, even if it was all taken out.... you always fear that it will come back somewhere else. I never got that before but I totally understand it now. And I'm trying hard not to think like that because I do believe that what you focus on will become manifest in your life. But it's always in your mind; the fear of hearing that again. Especially when you still aren't feeling 'normal' and still don't have any energy. Cancer really is a mind fuck in addition to all of the other physical tolls it takes on your body. Yeah, so there's that.
I really don't know what I need. I keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like there's this purpose that I've totally missed somehow. I'm not alone in this sentiment I know. But I can only go off of what I feel. And with that I guess I'm going to get off of here.
No seriously though, it is causing me some anxiety. The past three days or so I've been trying to do some 'tapping' to help ease the anxiety somewhat when I try to go to sleep. (Usually when I start trying to fall asleep I start to drift off and then jolt awake in a semi-panic attack. I tend to think it's because of my not feeling like I'm able to breathe well.) The tapping has been somewhat beneficial, probably because it causes my mind to focus elsewhere. I've also tried to take both of my steroids for the lungs before I finally settle down. This may be helping a bit too. There are still some issues though.
As always I'm still struggling with my eating. I'm such an emotional eater and I crave sweets. I think it's mostly psychological. When I get lonely, depressed or bored it triggers the only comfort that's always been there for me in my life - food. And aside from that I truly just love food; it's not even about eating it all the time. I even just love watching it be prepared; even shit that I would never consider eating..... I still find it fascinating. It's like an art. I really am a fat girl at heart. hahaha. Of course this doesn't do well at all being that I have "the sugah" and all.
I can never seem to stay on the course long (I have ZERO willpower where food is concerned), but I always try to get back on the wagon again. I'll do it a million times over until something sticks. One day at a time....... that's all I can focus on. I had to throw away all of my food from the fridge and freezer when it went out.... so the past two weeks has been kind of tight. I get my food money on the 7th so then I'm going shopping and I'm going to try and get some healthier stuff. I know, I know....... you don't believe me. But I shall try my best and that's all I can do. Unless you're some rich starlet who can afford personal chefs, personal trainers and a home gym..... doing this shit is hard all on your own. I am my own worst enemy after all.
Probably because of the poor sleeping, the bad diet, the troubles breathing and still dealing with some depression I have still been feeling really bad. I know I've talked to other people who have been through cancer and they say that once you've had it, even if it was all taken out.... you always fear that it will come back somewhere else. I never got that before but I totally understand it now. And I'm trying hard not to think like that because I do believe that what you focus on will become manifest in your life. But it's always in your mind; the fear of hearing that again. Especially when you still aren't feeling 'normal' and still don't have any energy. Cancer really is a mind fuck in addition to all of the other physical tolls it takes on your body. Yeah, so there's that.
I really don't know what I need. I keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like there's this purpose that I've totally missed somehow. I'm not alone in this sentiment I know. But I can only go off of what I feel. And with that I guess I'm going to get off of here.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Homework
So my lovely therapist Rhea has informed me that she's still reading my blog. I suppose this is a new way to do a meeting in today's age. I think it's pretty neat actually; I can write my exact thoughts and emotions and she can get a better glimpse into my complex little mind.
This week I have a little homework to do. I'm still having some issues with anxiety, although not as bad as they were, and I'm supposed to start writing here when I am feeling anxious what the markers are. It's not a bad idea, as it will help me see what triggers I need to work on. At the moment I'm feeling ok so nothing to really report on it now. Just a little heads up in the case that I start whining about why I'm feeling worked up in the future. The more you know!!!!!!!! heh
So I just found this nifty thing online that I'd like to share..... There are actually a few courses offered online from MIT that are free. How awesome is that?! Among the courses are things like Intro to psychology, Creating video games, Learning Italian while cooking, The early universe, and Intro to Quantum physics. I don't have the time to start anything else right now BUT when I do get some spare time I'm all over this. I'm so excited!!! For those who are interested here's the link:
https://www.inverse.com/article/10437-mit-s-7-best-free-online-courses-quantum-physics-and-making-video-games
Feel free to check it out. Learning is such an awesome experience. I hate that so much of it in life is unavailable due to cost restrictions.
I wish that there were some sort of group where people could go just to have in-depth conversations, even if it was only online. Unfortunately it's so hard to find a group that doesn't devolve into a haven filled with drama and that really has no real desire to further intellect and discussion. Sometimes I just yearn for that. The greatest compliment I've ever gotten is from a past Professor who told me that I was a 'modern day renaissance person' like DaVinci or Galileo. I was so blown away at that. She wasn't saying it because I am super smart like them (I can only wish!), but because I have the desire to learn about a variety of topics much like they did.
Perhaps in the future I'll find that place. My fingers are crossed. :)
This week I have a little homework to do. I'm still having some issues with anxiety, although not as bad as they were, and I'm supposed to start writing here when I am feeling anxious what the markers are. It's not a bad idea, as it will help me see what triggers I need to work on. At the moment I'm feeling ok so nothing to really report on it now. Just a little heads up in the case that I start whining about why I'm feeling worked up in the future. The more you know!!!!!!!! heh
So I just found this nifty thing online that I'd like to share..... There are actually a few courses offered online from MIT that are free. How awesome is that?! Among the courses are things like Intro to psychology, Creating video games, Learning Italian while cooking, The early universe, and Intro to Quantum physics. I don't have the time to start anything else right now BUT when I do get some spare time I'm all over this. I'm so excited!!! For those who are interested here's the link:
https://www.inverse.com/article/10437-mit-s-7-best-free-online-courses-quantum-physics-and-making-video-games
Feel free to check it out. Learning is such an awesome experience. I hate that so much of it in life is unavailable due to cost restrictions.
I wish that there were some sort of group where people could go just to have in-depth conversations, even if it was only online. Unfortunately it's so hard to find a group that doesn't devolve into a haven filled with drama and that really has no real desire to further intellect and discussion. Sometimes I just yearn for that. The greatest compliment I've ever gotten is from a past Professor who told me that I was a 'modern day renaissance person' like DaVinci or Galileo. I was so blown away at that. She wasn't saying it because I am super smart like them (I can only wish!), but because I have the desire to learn about a variety of topics much like they did.
Perhaps in the future I'll find that place. My fingers are crossed. :)
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
I heart Enya
Strange title I know, but as I sit here one of her songs is playing in the background on the Music Choice channel (Soundscapes). Very peaceful and relaxing as her stuff usually is.
SO!! What's been going on you may wonder? Well I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog other than me, my therapist Rhea and a few random people who have stumbled accidentally here. I could regale you with tales of debauchery and depravity, but honestly I don't have the energy I once did to keep up with all those shenanigans! Memories though...... yeah, some wild ones that still make me giggle from time to time.
Nothing too exciting going on. My fridge went out and I had to throw it all away, AND I had just went grocery shopping. But I now have a brand new fridge (thanks landlord!!) and food can be replaced... so there's that. School is back in swing here in the third week. All of my classes are online this semester so at least I don't have to drive back and forth to another city in the wintry weather. Yay! We did have a little snow and ice here. So that was exciting.
Started 'classes' again with my buddy who is also a great teacher. I've studied spirituality on my own for about 25 years and have always done what felt right to me without using extravagant rituals and symbolism and have been content with that. However I'd like to learn how to do certain things just so that when I'm out and about with other folks I can participate in how they choose to do things. And it's always a good thing to learn other perspectives on things; it either opens your eyes to new ways of doing things or it reiterates your own beliefs. Either way my heart is always open to learning and I'm glad of that!
One good thing that I've noticed is that since I've picked back up my spiritual studies AND all the shit happened last year with the cancer, etc.... I have really felt myself open back up a lot lately and I'm so happy about that. I've noticed that I've been picking up on things much easier and someone has been coming around a lot more often. (Hey therapist lady, if you're reading this you may think I'm crazy at this point so you may want to skip it hehehe.) The other night during a really in depth conversation it literally felt like someone had come up behind me and was standing over me. My entire right side was tingly and chilled and it was like eyes staring at me. It happened on two different occasions and I mentioned it to my friend who said that he had seen a shadow come down the stairs the day before and could feel that someone had come into the area as we were talking that night. They then followed me home because later that morning I woke up a few times in mid-conversation with someone, and it felt like a pretty important talk that was going on.
I've missed that; that feeling of connecting and being able to pick up on energies around me. For far too long it's been blocked on my end and I think that being sick and stressed finally forced me to let go somewhat and that was the beginning of allowing spirit to trickle back in and start peeling me open again. Hallelujah! I think it's also helped that I had a discussion with another friend that reminded me of what it felt like to feel an outside presence internalized. It's not a bad thing; it's just something that you have to learn to work with and through while at the same time retaining your own core and self. It's a balancing job sometimes but it can be done successfully. It's really about giving up just enough control as to be fluid in the process, but keeping enough control so that you aren't lost and caught up with no capability to ground. That will make sense to those that need it I suppose. It's a hard thing to explain to those that haven't felt it; and usually they just end up thinking that you're either delusional, schizophrenic, psychotic or just strung out.
Also had an interesting experience while meditating. Now, I'm the first one to admit that I suck at meditation. I mean royally. My mind has such a hard time slowing down that it takes me forever and usually I end up falling asleep instead of being successful haha. This is probably why I'd benefit the most from meditating though right? Anyway, I was meditating one day a couple weeks ago and going into it I was thinking about Goddess energy. To everyone who knows me I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I've always been more in touch with the projective, God energy rather than the receptive Goddess energies. Part of this is because the energies I've worked with have been primarily identified as male (although I am well aware that there are no true gender roles where spirit is concerned). So I went into meditation asking the male/God energy that I'm most familiar with to help me find a Goddess that I could feel comfortable working with while trying to connect more with the feminine side of deity. Needless to say it wasn't long before I 'saw' him walking into focus with a woman who I was able to recognize and get the name for. So it was a success!! And I now have another avenue of exploration and study to help me learn through. Sometimes things just happen when you least expect it. Ain't life grand???
SO!! What's been going on you may wonder? Well I'm pretty sure no one reads this blog other than me, my therapist Rhea and a few random people who have stumbled accidentally here. I could regale you with tales of debauchery and depravity, but honestly I don't have the energy I once did to keep up with all those shenanigans! Memories though...... yeah, some wild ones that still make me giggle from time to time.
Nothing too exciting going on. My fridge went out and I had to throw it all away, AND I had just went grocery shopping. But I now have a brand new fridge (thanks landlord!!) and food can be replaced... so there's that. School is back in swing here in the third week. All of my classes are online this semester so at least I don't have to drive back and forth to another city in the wintry weather. Yay! We did have a little snow and ice here. So that was exciting.
Started 'classes' again with my buddy who is also a great teacher. I've studied spirituality on my own for about 25 years and have always done what felt right to me without using extravagant rituals and symbolism and have been content with that. However I'd like to learn how to do certain things just so that when I'm out and about with other folks I can participate in how they choose to do things. And it's always a good thing to learn other perspectives on things; it either opens your eyes to new ways of doing things or it reiterates your own beliefs. Either way my heart is always open to learning and I'm glad of that!
One good thing that I've noticed is that since I've picked back up my spiritual studies AND all the shit happened last year with the cancer, etc.... I have really felt myself open back up a lot lately and I'm so happy about that. I've noticed that I've been picking up on things much easier and someone has been coming around a lot more often. (Hey therapist lady, if you're reading this you may think I'm crazy at this point so you may want to skip it hehehe.) The other night during a really in depth conversation it literally felt like someone had come up behind me and was standing over me. My entire right side was tingly and chilled and it was like eyes staring at me. It happened on two different occasions and I mentioned it to my friend who said that he had seen a shadow come down the stairs the day before and could feel that someone had come into the area as we were talking that night. They then followed me home because later that morning I woke up a few times in mid-conversation with someone, and it felt like a pretty important talk that was going on.
I've missed that; that feeling of connecting and being able to pick up on energies around me. For far too long it's been blocked on my end and I think that being sick and stressed finally forced me to let go somewhat and that was the beginning of allowing spirit to trickle back in and start peeling me open again. Hallelujah! I think it's also helped that I had a discussion with another friend that reminded me of what it felt like to feel an outside presence internalized. It's not a bad thing; it's just something that you have to learn to work with and through while at the same time retaining your own core and self. It's a balancing job sometimes but it can be done successfully. It's really about giving up just enough control as to be fluid in the process, but keeping enough control so that you aren't lost and caught up with no capability to ground. That will make sense to those that need it I suppose. It's a hard thing to explain to those that haven't felt it; and usually they just end up thinking that you're either delusional, schizophrenic, psychotic or just strung out.
Also had an interesting experience while meditating. Now, I'm the first one to admit that I suck at meditation. I mean royally. My mind has such a hard time slowing down that it takes me forever and usually I end up falling asleep instead of being successful haha. This is probably why I'd benefit the most from meditating though right? Anyway, I was meditating one day a couple weeks ago and going into it I was thinking about Goddess energy. To everyone who knows me I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I've always been more in touch with the projective, God energy rather than the receptive Goddess energies. Part of this is because the energies I've worked with have been primarily identified as male (although I am well aware that there are no true gender roles where spirit is concerned). So I went into meditation asking the male/God energy that I'm most familiar with to help me find a Goddess that I could feel comfortable working with while trying to connect more with the feminine side of deity. Needless to say it wasn't long before I 'saw' him walking into focus with a woman who I was able to recognize and get the name for. So it was a success!! And I now have another avenue of exploration and study to help me learn through. Sometimes things just happen when you least expect it. Ain't life grand???
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Sunday Funday??
It's Sunday friends. Tomorrow starts a new semester of school. Luckily all my classes this term are online only, which means I don't have to worry about driving back and forth to Spartanburg for a while. That's a relief!
I'm still having some issues with insomnia but it's gotten a tad bit better. My friends pulled me into playing an online game with them and it helps to make me sleepy so I don't have quite as much trouble falling asleep. With most things like this though, being naturally an introverted person, I need to watch myself to make sure that I don't get sucked in too much so that real life falls by the wayside.
Mom was here for about two weeks through Xmas and New Years. That's always great when she's here because I don't feel so alone. So far since she's been gone I've been alright; I keep trying to become used to being alone all the time and I'm hoping that little by little I'll become more used to it.
Still having issues with anxiety as well. This is really one of the main things that's been bugging me. I think most of it stems from financial issues. I have been living off of loans and school money but they are really adding up and even with those my finances are limited. I really don't know what to do at this point. The social worker in the hospital applied for disability for myself because she said with all of the illnesses I have together it may get approved. I don't really know how to feel about this honestly. I don't want to be disabled. I don't want to just feel like I'm mooching off the government and people's taxes. I don't want to feel like I can't do something. But at the same time when she asked me the questions she did, it makes me wonder. I can't work a full day on my feet due to my neuropathy being so bothersome. But I've always had pain, for as long as I can remember.... so I'm really used to just living with pain everyday. There are a lot of physical limitations due to my weight that cuts down on a lot of jobs I could do. My COPD won't allow me to work anywhere with chemicals, lots of animals, strong smells, lots of heat or mold. I can't do too much at once that will make me breathe heavy or my lungs will start being angry. I know that these things limit my choices of what I could do. I also know that because of this it would be very hard to get hired. Hell, even without telling people about my limitations they don't want to hire an old, fat woman. LOL.
I'm thinking that whatever happens, I am going to really make a serious attempt to lose weight again. I know that it won't take these conditions away but it will definitely make me feel better and should make those conditions a little more bearable. Maybe it would give me more energy, because I really haven't had any pickup in energy since the surgery, which is very disappointing. I know I've tried a million times, and I'll try a million more until something finally works for me. If it was easy then everyone would be skinny minnies!
As soon as my lungs get semi-healthy again (please please please happen soon!) I have some craft projects I want to get started on. With them being angry right now though, the chemicals and smell from wood-burning would really kill me, even with wearing a mask. So I'm going to have to wait a little while longer.
So that's about all that's going on right now from my end. Just trying to stay inside, rest and keep my lungs somewhat happy and healing. I really don't want to have to go back to the doctors again for them as all they are going to do is tell me to use my albuterol and advair, which I'm already doing now. Wish there was something that would help clear it up quicker than those, because apparently they're not doing too much. bleah. Well here's to a great week!
I'm still having some issues with insomnia but it's gotten a tad bit better. My friends pulled me into playing an online game with them and it helps to make me sleepy so I don't have quite as much trouble falling asleep. With most things like this though, being naturally an introverted person, I need to watch myself to make sure that I don't get sucked in too much so that real life falls by the wayside.
Mom was here for about two weeks through Xmas and New Years. That's always great when she's here because I don't feel so alone. So far since she's been gone I've been alright; I keep trying to become used to being alone all the time and I'm hoping that little by little I'll become more used to it.
Still having issues with anxiety as well. This is really one of the main things that's been bugging me. I think most of it stems from financial issues. I have been living off of loans and school money but they are really adding up and even with those my finances are limited. I really don't know what to do at this point. The social worker in the hospital applied for disability for myself because she said with all of the illnesses I have together it may get approved. I don't really know how to feel about this honestly. I don't want to be disabled. I don't want to just feel like I'm mooching off the government and people's taxes. I don't want to feel like I can't do something. But at the same time when she asked me the questions she did, it makes me wonder. I can't work a full day on my feet due to my neuropathy being so bothersome. But I've always had pain, for as long as I can remember.... so I'm really used to just living with pain everyday. There are a lot of physical limitations due to my weight that cuts down on a lot of jobs I could do. My COPD won't allow me to work anywhere with chemicals, lots of animals, strong smells, lots of heat or mold. I can't do too much at once that will make me breathe heavy or my lungs will start being angry. I know that these things limit my choices of what I could do. I also know that because of this it would be very hard to get hired. Hell, even without telling people about my limitations they don't want to hire an old, fat woman. LOL.
I'm thinking that whatever happens, I am going to really make a serious attempt to lose weight again. I know that it won't take these conditions away but it will definitely make me feel better and should make those conditions a little more bearable. Maybe it would give me more energy, because I really haven't had any pickup in energy since the surgery, which is very disappointing. I know I've tried a million times, and I'll try a million more until something finally works for me. If it was easy then everyone would be skinny minnies!
As soon as my lungs get semi-healthy again (please please please happen soon!) I have some craft projects I want to get started on. With them being angry right now though, the chemicals and smell from wood-burning would really kill me, even with wearing a mask. So I'm going to have to wait a little while longer.
So that's about all that's going on right now from my end. Just trying to stay inside, rest and keep my lungs somewhat happy and healing. I really don't want to have to go back to the doctors again for them as all they are going to do is tell me to use my albuterol and advair, which I'm already doing now. Wish there was something that would help clear it up quicker than those, because apparently they're not doing too much. bleah. Well here's to a great week!
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Update
Well, funny I wrote my last post just today and then fell into a talk about this very thing tonight. As it turns out, I think Goddess pushed me into the corner tonight for a reason, so that I could get it out of me. I think it was therapeutic for the others there as well, as we also talked about some things they're dealing with. I feel better. And I'm proud of the fact that I said it, even through the tears, instead of holding it in. Yay for speaking my truth in the new year. Goodnight.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Ready for a New Year!
Happy New Year everyone!
I don't know about the rest of you but 2015 for me was by far one of the most difficult of my life. I'm so ready and happy to have it behind me and to be looking at a new time. May this new year be full of happiness, positivity, growth and change.
As I've stated in the past few posts (and forgive me for whining but this is my designated therapy-session mandated venting area lol), the insomnia and anxiety have really been affecting my moods the past month or so. In researching I'm also wondering if it doesn't have something to do with my body being thrown into surgical menopause and hormones being removed suddenly. In any case, I'm well aware that over this time I've been very quick tempered/easy to get upset and so I've been limiting my access to those things that may get me upset. But because of being aware of my emotions being super sensitive it's also made me aware of the actions of others in my life and how they affect me.
Lately I've been noticing that some of those people in my life who I've felt close to in the past don't feel as close anymore. Some of their actions have been repeatedly hurtful, mean spirited, and just downright disrespectful. It saddens me that they have made this their way of communicating. In thinking about it, it makes me wonder if they had acted that way all along or if my awareness had just started allowing me to see things more clearly. The truth is I'm not sure. I read something earlier that gave me pause to think...... here's what it says,
"We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends... and they are attracted to us. ...because they are like us. On a subconscious level, we're all emitting vibes that can be picked up by those around us. When our vibes are similar to those of a friend, we enjoy being around each other and we get along well with that person. But when our vibes are no longer in sync, we feel distant from the person and the friendship no longer feels good."
Now I've been through this once in my life before with a close friend and it was quite painful for both of us, but for my own mental and emotional health I felt the need to distance myself. Although I loved my friend dearly, it was obvious that the relationship was just toxic to us both. We still speak occasionally and I still love her like a sister but we both know that it will never be like it was, and that's ok. That part of our lives changed us, hopefully for the better, but that time has passed.
Unfortunately I feel like I'm walking towards that ledge again and it still sucks and hurts. But I also know that this is spirit telling me that the current relationships are in jeopardy of becoming more harmful than beneficial and that I have to respect myself and not let this happen. If someone who is supposed to be your friend constantly disrespects you, puts you down and makes you feel bad then they truly don't care about you. The relationship for them is about control, power over you, and feeding their own ego. It really has nothing to do with you at all, except you allow them to usurp it over you.
So this new year starts with the realization that once again, this may be a painful year of change. With this change though comes growth and I understand that if I can survive the loneliness that I have a great shot of coming out on the other side a much stronger person. It's never easy, and I know it's going to be a hard road to walk. Honestly I don't quite know right now how I'm going to deal with this or what kind of outlets I can find to keep from building up all sorts of anxieties and depression that will come with it. (I'm still trying to figure out how to cleanse out the ones I'm already dealing with lol.) I'm going to try though; be patient with me.And that's a note to myself!! After all we are always our worst enemies.
2016.... I've decided that this is going to be a great year, and that the changes that will come (even if they're difficult and take time to complete) will bring great growth and a healthier outcome in aspects of physicality, mentality, emotions, spirituality and overall well-being.
I don't know about the rest of you but 2015 for me was by far one of the most difficult of my life. I'm so ready and happy to have it behind me and to be looking at a new time. May this new year be full of happiness, positivity, growth and change.
As I've stated in the past few posts (and forgive me for whining but this is my designated therapy-session mandated venting area lol), the insomnia and anxiety have really been affecting my moods the past month or so. In researching I'm also wondering if it doesn't have something to do with my body being thrown into surgical menopause and hormones being removed suddenly. In any case, I'm well aware that over this time I've been very quick tempered/easy to get upset and so I've been limiting my access to those things that may get me upset. But because of being aware of my emotions being super sensitive it's also made me aware of the actions of others in my life and how they affect me.
Lately I've been noticing that some of those people in my life who I've felt close to in the past don't feel as close anymore. Some of their actions have been repeatedly hurtful, mean spirited, and just downright disrespectful. It saddens me that they have made this their way of communicating. In thinking about it, it makes me wonder if they had acted that way all along or if my awareness had just started allowing me to see things more clearly. The truth is I'm not sure. I read something earlier that gave me pause to think...... here's what it says,
"We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends... and they are attracted to us. ...because they are like us. On a subconscious level, we're all emitting vibes that can be picked up by those around us. When our vibes are similar to those of a friend, we enjoy being around each other and we get along well with that person. But when our vibes are no longer in sync, we feel distant from the person and the friendship no longer feels good."
Now I've been through this once in my life before with a close friend and it was quite painful for both of us, but for my own mental and emotional health I felt the need to distance myself. Although I loved my friend dearly, it was obvious that the relationship was just toxic to us both. We still speak occasionally and I still love her like a sister but we both know that it will never be like it was, and that's ok. That part of our lives changed us, hopefully for the better, but that time has passed.
Unfortunately I feel like I'm walking towards that ledge again and it still sucks and hurts. But I also know that this is spirit telling me that the current relationships are in jeopardy of becoming more harmful than beneficial and that I have to respect myself and not let this happen. If someone who is supposed to be your friend constantly disrespects you, puts you down and makes you feel bad then they truly don't care about you. The relationship for them is about control, power over you, and feeding their own ego. It really has nothing to do with you at all, except you allow them to usurp it over you.
So this new year starts with the realization that once again, this may be a painful year of change. With this change though comes growth and I understand that if I can survive the loneliness that I have a great shot of coming out on the other side a much stronger person. It's never easy, and I know it's going to be a hard road to walk. Honestly I don't quite know right now how I'm going to deal with this or what kind of outlets I can find to keep from building up all sorts of anxieties and depression that will come with it. (I'm still trying to figure out how to cleanse out the ones I'm already dealing with lol.) I'm going to try though; be patient with me.And that's a note to myself!! After all we are always our worst enemies.
2016.... I've decided that this is going to be a great year, and that the changes that will come (even if they're difficult and take time to complete) will bring great growth and a healthier outcome in aspects of physicality, mentality, emotions, spirituality and overall well-being.
We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us. - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf
We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us. - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf
“We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us.” - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf
“We choose friends who are somehow like us and whose energy is also like ours. We are attracted to our friends… and they are attracted to us. …because they are like us.” - See more at: http://www.practicalwisdomthatworks.com/signs-youve-outgrown-your-friends/#sthash.wFXJqNqj.dpuf
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